Mass Effect and all characters within are the intellectual property of BioWare.
A/N: oops! missed some spelling errors. fixed :)

Closure

Shepard sat in stunned silence in front of her private terminal, reading the message from Hackett. They've found the Normandy. Or what was left of her, rather. Hackett wants her to go and be the first one there, since it was her ship… her people. Place a memorial and move on. Oh and while she's there, maybe check for any evidence or signs of some unaccounted for crew. Just like that.

Just like fucking that.

She hissed as she thought of their damned audacity. Of course they think it'll be easy. Just have Shepard do it. She can handle it. She can handle anything. See how she moved on from Mindior? Just like how she moved on from Akuze? Or Toombs? The destruction caused by Saren and Sovereign? Moved on from suffocating to death in the nightmare of space? Moved on from losing everyone that ever mattered to her? Being tethered to the enemy? Just fucking move on?!

Shepard's hands balled up into fists, her short nails digging hard into her palms. But the pain didn't register. Her body shook with the need to scream. To punch something. Rip something apart. The need for violence tore at her throat and burned her lungs. Body shaking with her repressed rage and tears scalding her lids, she surged out of her chair, violently knocking her chair back. With the memories crowding her head, she paced her quarters like a caged animal.

Goddamn you, Hackett! Goddamn you to the fucking blackest pits of hell!

Ash in the cargo bay calibrating the hardware while Wrex poked fun and needled her, just to see her reaction. Kaidan and Joker bantering back and forth in the mess hall. Garrus and Tali bickering so much it's a wonder they were ever able to work together. All the laughter, pranks, sweat, and death that they endured to survive. To protect. Gone.

A sob escaped as she thought of Kaidan. His disbelief and anger on Horizon. Believing her to be a traitor; betraying everything he thought they held dear. Liara's aloofness on Illium, chasing the Shadow Broker in a twisted sense of revenge instead of the artifacts she loved. Garrus and Tali both came to her this trip. Ignoring Cerberus and putting aside their differences so they could be here with her. In a mission that would surely leave them all dead.

I'd rather face a thresher maw naked and unarmed than confront the wreckage. To see the space that ripped out my lungs and froze my corpse, a perfect package for Cerberus to play with…

Fucking coward.

Uncurling her fingers and massaging her throbbing palms against her thighs, Shepard memorized the system coordinates. Deep breath, Ilena. You can do this. It's time to deal. Do you really want to die again without putting some of this shit away?

Wiping her hands over her face, a quick tug on her hair, Shepard closed the terminal and headed out to the elevator.

------

For once Joker didn't ask questions. No witty sidebar comment. In fact, he didn't even look at her after she provided the coordinates. Snapping her armor in place, she nodded at Joker then turned on heel and took long strides towards the elevator. Purposely ignored the look she received from Kelly as she waited for the elevator. After the doors shut behind her, Kelly bolted towards Joker.

"Where's the commander going?" she inquired, desperate to find out what was going on. She could get everyone else on board to confide in her but it was really starting to nag at her that the commander just wouldn't talk to her. And she hated resorting to peaking at her messages or bugging others to find out what was going on with Shepard.

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" he snapped.

His tone had her eyebrows shooting upwards and stopped her questions cold. "I'm sorry, Joker. I didn't mean to offend you. I was just curious" sighing, Kelly moved to his side. "Commander Shepard just doesn't confide in me and I'm starting to get worried about her mental well being"

"Don't know what to tell you, Kelly. You're the people person. Not me."

"EDI?" she inquired

"I apologize, Miss Chambers, but I was not privy to that information." Intoned the ship AI.

The silence in the room was overwhelming. Knowing when she wasn't wanted, Kelly glowered at Joker's back and stormed out of the cockpit.

------

"Ready when you are, Commander" Joker quipped over the com.

"Thank you, Joker" Taking a deep breath, Shepard opened the shuttle and punched in the coordinates. According to Hackett, the memorial will be boxed up and waiting by the landing zone, just inside the crash site. But just as she was ready to close the shuttle up and launch, she saw Tali racing towards her, suited up and ready to go. Garrus followed close behind her.

"Shepard!" Tali called out "Wait!" she raced ahead and jumped into the shuttle, buckling up as she slid into the seat next to her. Garrus was approached slower, his eyes cautious. It was obvious to him that Shepard wanted to do this alone, or she would've discussed it with them.

"Shepard" he said quietly, watching as Ilena stared straight ahead, expression closed. She held so much inside, he wondered if this would be what finally broke her. Which was the only reason why he agreed to let Tali drag him along. Otherwise, he wouldn't force himself on her like this.

"Shepard, you can't do this by yourself. " Tali stated firmly. "I'm coming with you. "

"No," Shepard replied. "you're not"

"Shepard, you've done so much to help me. With my pilgrimage, the trial. Coping with my father's death. Why can't I help you do this?" she pleaded softly.

"You've always been our support, Shepard. Without you, I wouldn't have been able to find myself and leave C-Sec, have the nerve to take on the mercs in Omega, or deal with Sidonis. We just want to be able to return the favor." Garrus interjected quietly.

"I'm sorry. But this is something I need to do alone." Shepard said softly. When she turned to look at them, her eyes pleaded with them to understand, that she hasn't had time to mourn, to grieve. "I need this."

Tali wrapped her arms around Shepard and hugged tightly, nodding against her shoulder. Garrus tipped his head in agreement, ushered Tali out, and left her alone in the shuttle.

Shepard had to breathe deeply for several moments before she could get up the courage to hit the launch sequence. Get a grip, woman, she thought, do you want to do this or not?

As the shuttle shot out of the Normandy, she forced herself to look out towards the icy planet below. Her ragged breathing echoed harshly in her helmet. Time blended together. Her vision doubled as she watched the planet grow larger in the viewer. Seeing her grave approach with her memories and the eyes gifted to her by Cerberus.

Choking. Gasping. The air forced from her lungs as the pressure grew in her head, tightening and swelling. Pain burst behind her eyes as her lungs collapsed. Then a cold so deep it burned her bones, tore at her veins. Stars in the void and behind her lids flashing to the rhythm of her heartbeat, slowly dimming until there was nothing but darkness.

"Goodbye Kaidan..."

------

Shepard didn't even notice how smoothly she descended through the atmosphere or the soft landing as the shuttle settled into the snow. Her eyes were all for the pieces of her home scattered on the frozen wastes of Alchera.

"Touchdown, Commander" Joker's voice crackled over the radio

"Coms off" she responded, following the abrupt order by switching off her own. She knew they'd still be able to read her vital signs, but she did not want anyone in the cockpit curious enough to peak in on her while she dealt with this.

Taking a deep breath, she went out into the frozen tundra to say her goodbyes.