Raidou knew. He wasn't stupid, and he wasn't naive. He knew Genma was just settling. He knew no matter how hard he tried that Genma was never going to actually love him. Saying it was one thing, but Raidou could see behind those fake words. Genma loved Iruka, and no matter what Raidou did he would never be able to change that. Raidou knew all these things, but it still hurt. Hurt him more than he would ever like to admit.
"Hey Rai, I'm home." Genma said as he entered the house.
Raidou couldn't bring himself to say anything. He just waved. He didn't think he could speak without giving away the hurt bubbling up inside. Without giving away the doubts that filled him.
"Have you had dinner yet?" Genma asked.
Raidou shook his head.
"Well let's get take-out or something. I heard Kakashi is back in town, so maybe we'll bump into him." Genma said.
"Sure." Raidou quietly said.
Genma never wanted to just stay in and just be with Raidou. Every night they didn't have a mission, guard duty, or the mission desk he always wanted to go out. Raidou didn't mind, he liked seeing his friends and all, but he wanted to be able to spend just one night alone with him. With missions the two barely saw each other as it was.
"Come on." Genma said.
The two left and walked downtown. Genma seemed to be in his own little world like usual. He never talked to Raidou, or held his hand on a walk. He always was in a dream land, thinking about things that Genma believed to be important. He never noticed when Raidou would slow down and lag behind. He never was that observant unless Iruka was there.
When they arrived at the bar, Raidou was pleased to see that Kakashi was there, along with all their other friends. He also couldn't help but be upset when he also saw that Iruka was there. They joined the group and Genma instantly began talk to Iruka. Asuma and Kurenai seemed wrapped up in a conversation, while Gai challenged Yamato to some drinking contest Kakashi had likely turned him down for. Kakashi on the other hand, seemed to be content sitting in the corner giving Genma glares.
"Whoa Kakashi, watch the crazy eyes…...well eye." Genma said, noticing the Copy-Nins stare.
Kakashi just shook his head and stood.
"I'm going to get ramen, anyone want to come?" Kakashi asked.
. Yamato, having convinced Gai to challenge another person, stood and moved towards Kakashi. Asuma and Kurenai shook their heads and opted to stay at the bar, claiming they were still waiting for Anko to make an appearance. Genma and Iruka both stood and continued their conversation. Kakashi leaned to look at Raidou in a silent question, and Raidou shook his head. Kakashi seemed to look disappointed but the group headed out. Raidou couldn't help but notice that Genma didn't even turn back.
"I'm going to head out. Tell Anko I said hi, okay?" Raidou asked the two left as he stood.
"Sure Rai," Asuma said, then stopped his as he went to leave. "I am so sorry Rai…. you don't deserve that."
Raidou gave a little smile then headed back to their apartment. Once inside Raidou set about making sure everything was in order before taking his usual seat in the corner of the room. He often sat here, waiting for Genma to return. Raidou sat there until it was far too late to be up, and then he headed to bed with no Genma in sight.
When Raidou awoke, it was to noise. He looked at the clock, telling him it was 4 in the morning and Genma was just getting home. Raidou had to get up for work in only a few short hours. Genma came into the room and Raidou stayed with his back to the other side of the bed.
"You awake Rai?" Genma asked.
Raidou didn't bother responding. He just stayed completely still, pretending to sleep. He hoped Genma didn't notice that he infact was awake. He didn't want to hear about the fun night Genma had obviously had. He didn't want to hear about how it most likely ended up being just Iruka and him out all night. Raidou knew Kakashi would have turned in hours ago, and Yamato would have left along side him. Raidou just couldn't handle hearing how another night was spent without him.
"I guess not, well his loss on a great story." Genma said, presuming Raidou was sleeping.
Raidou could hear him getting changed for bed, then finally he climbed into bed. He turned so his back was pressed against Raidou's. Early on in their relationship, Genma used to cuddle right against him, but that was before Iruka had decided to be Genma's friend again. Early on in their relationship, Raidou had believed that maybe he could make Genma happy. It was then Raidou realized that Genma hadn't even questioned that Raidou didn't come along. Didn't even seem to care. It felt like a huge weight had settled on Raidou's chest and suddenly he couldn't stay in bed. He couldn't go to sleep beside a man who hadn't even cared that Raidou had spent his night alone, while he had spent the night with his ex.
Raidou got up without Genma even noticing. He changed into his uniform and decided to wander the village. It was on this walk he discovered the Copy-Nin himself sitting on top of the Hokage's Monument. He gave Raidou a nod, and Raidou went over to join him.
"What has you out so late at night?" Kakashi asked.
"I should ask you the same." Raidou replied.
Raidou loved how easy it was to talk to Kakashi. Contrary to popular belief, the Copy-Nin actually gave very good insight to situations. Kakashi did nothing but observe people most of his day so he often knew more about the situation then the people involved.
"Sometimes I just like to sit up here and remember." Kakashi quietly said, looking off towards the distance.
"Sometimes I just can't be in that apartment anymore." Raidou said quietly.
Kakashi looked at him and gave a really sympathetic look.
"He doesn't love me, you know? And he has no idea that I know. He barely even notices if I am around anymore, and I honestly don't know if I can do it. I love him, always have and I know I always will, but I can't just keep lying to myself. It hurts too much for that." Raidou admitted quietly.
Kakashi stared at him for a moment, then reached his arm around Raidou's shoulders. He pulled Raidou towards him and into his chest. As soon as he did this, Raidou felt all the tears he had pushed back over the last months surface. It was embarrassing to the man to cry, but Kakashi didn't seem to mind. The Copy-Nin himself understood how it hurt to love someone who would never love you back, not that anyone knew that.
"Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it." Raidou whispered.
"It can be. The memories you have are always worth it, but sometimes even the strongest have to give in to what they feel they need to do. Even if they don't want to lose the one they have." Kakashi mumbled.
The two hugged for a few more moments, then Raidou broke away. They turned and sat quietly until the sun came up. It was then Raidou stood to leave for work.
"Kakashi," Raidou said as he walked away. "Thanks…..for everything."
Kakashi just lifted his hand and waved. Raidou left for work, feeling slightly better than he had before. When he arrived at the mission desk, he soon felt worse again. He discovered that he had to work with Iruka, Genma and Anko. He sighed and walked into the room to relieve the night shift duty, as well as talk to Tsunade.
"Good morning Ma'am. I am sorry I was almost late-" Raidou began to say but was quickly interrupted.
"He was lost on the road of life with me." Kakashi said from behind him.
"Brat! Don't make others late because of your habits." Tsunade hollered.
Kakashi gave her his usual one eye smile and rubbed the back of his neck.
"Maaa, I didn't mean to make him late." Kakashi said.
"Just like you didn't mean to give me that report in your hand late?" Tsunade countered.
Kakashi strolled up to the desk with the most grace Raidou had ever seen the tall man walk. He handed Tsunade the mission report and stood back to wait. When she finished reading it, she looked up.
"Kakashi… IT TOOK YOU FIVE DAYS TO WRITE THIS! FIVE DAYS! AND ALL I GOT WAS 'WENT TO PLACE, KILLED SOME GUY, STOLE SOME STUFF AND RAN HOME'?! RE-DO IT!" she yelled, throwing the report back.
The report flew and hit Kakashi in the chest. Instead of being rational, Kakashi fell to the ground.
"ABUSE! JOUNIN ABUSE! Help me Raidou! The Hokage is beating me!" Kakashi yelled.
Raidou continued to listen to the two entertaining everyone as he gathered all the supplies needed for the day. Once seated, his fellow comrades strolled in.
"Good morning Hokage-sama." Iruka quietly said.
"Ma'am." Genma said.
"Please let me go home." Anko said.
Raidou laughed at Anko. She looked like she had gotten very few hours of sleep, if any. She sat beside Raidou and flopped on the table.
"You okay Anko?" he asked.
"No." she mumbled.
"What time did you turn in last night?" Iruka asked as he sat beside Anko.
"Didn't. Kakashi ditched Yamato and you guys, and I really didn't want to spend my time with Gai while Kurenai and Asuma talked to each other, so we met up. We ended up hanging out at the jounin lounge. Let's just say monopoly at 4 am is never a good idea." Anko said.
Genma laughed then carried coffee over to Iruka and sat beside him. Anko lifted her head and glared at him. Genma and Iruka instantly launched into a conversation about how tired they were, not even noticing the other two in the room.
"This is ridiculous." Anko mumbled.
Kakashi, who had finally finished arguing with Tsunade, strolled over and placed himself behind the desk to work on his report. He dragged a chair to where Iruka and Genma were sitting, pushed Genma's chair away, and sat between the two.
"Ummm Kakashi we were talking." Genma said,
"Yeah, and I'm writing a report. I need to be supervised." Kakashi said.
"That he does!" Tsunade yelled from her spot.
"Why don't they supervise you?" Genma asked.
"Anko is half asleep and I already made Raidou late. I don't want to inconvenience him anymore. Since you two seem to think that you can just talk instead of working I believe one of you should supervise me. It's not our fault you guys didn't go home until late. You knew you had to work." Kakashi said.
Genma rolled his eyes and grumbled something under his breath. Iruka began to focus his attention on Kakashi, who seemed happy enough with himself. Raidou couldn't help but notice that Kakashi actually seemed to not know how to write his reports. Finally after 5 hours of the five being busy, they slowed down.
"There you go Kakashi-san. You are done your report." Iruka said, a smile crossing the teachers face.
Raidou noted Genma's excitement in that statement.
"And with that being said, I am done my shift for the day as well." Iruka said.
"Perfect timing then." Kakashi noted.
Kakashi hoped the desk and walked over to Raidou's desk.
"My mission report kind sir!" he said.
"Why look, it is perfect. Thank you for your hard work Kakashi." Raidou said, smiling.
Kakashi smiled then left the room, after stopping to tease Tsunade first of course. Iruka left shortly after, Anko following. Suddenly the room felt smaller to Raidou. He knew Genma would pretend he was happy to be alone with Raidou, even if Tsunade was there, but chances were he wasn't.
"You left early this morning." Genma said.
"Guess I did." Raidou said.
"And you were with Kakashi?" Genma asked.
Raidou nodded.
"I think he likes you, you know? Why else would he be so angry around me all the time. He seriously hates me." Genma said.
Raidou felt anger building. Genma was so oblivious that he believed that Kakashi liked Raidou, so intern hated Genma for being with him. He didn't even suspect that he hated Genma for the way he treated Raidou. That he hated Genma because Genma believed that he didn't have a problem.
Before Raidou had a chance to say anything, Tsunade spoke up.
"Please. Genma that brat has been in love with the same person since he was 16, and that will never change. Hard to get over someone who isn't here anymore. Kakashi doesn't blindly hate people, so maybe you should look really hard as to why he doesn't like you. That brat is exactly that, a brat, but he is a good person." Tsunade said.
Tsunade stood and excused herself for lunch, leaving just the two. Genma watched her leave then turned to Raidou.
"How the hell is she allowed to say that? She doesn't even know Kakashi well." Genma said.
Raidou shrugged, opting to continue his work. He couldn't think of anything to talk to Genma about. He really had nothing to say. He knew exactly why Kakashi hated him, but Genma wouldn't understand if he told him.
"You're quiet today…..are you not feeling well or something?" Genma asked, suddenly getting close to him.
Raidou was about to move, when Genma caught his forehead in a kiss. Raidou had to close his eyes to stop the tears from building when he realized that this was the first kiss Genma had given him in weeks. When he moved his lips, he pressed his forehead to Raidou's and used his thumbs to hold onto Raidou's cheeks.
"You don't have a fever…...you just look sick Rai….." Genma quietly said.
Raidou kept his eyes closed. He could feel the pain surfacing again. All he had wanted was for Genma to pay attention to him, and here he was doing exactly that. Raidou knew in his head it was only because Iruka wasn't around, but his heart was trying to convince him otherwise. He knew if he opened his eyes and looked into Genma's he would breakdown.
"If you weren't feeling well last night you should have told me. We didn't have to go out. And if you weren't feeling well this morning you should have stayed home. Theres no use suffering through everything." Genma said, gently massaging his cheeks.
Raidou felt the tears forming and soon they began falling, even if Raidou was trying to stop them. Genma instantly took note and pulled Raidou into a hug.
"If you are worried that we can't afford for you to take time off, don't be. I've been taking higher ranking missions and we have a lot of savings. Go home and rest. I will bring you home some soup." Genma softly said.
Tsunade agreed that Raidou looked sick and that he should go home when she returned from work. Raidou returned home and climbed into bed. Before he knew it, he had fallen into a deep sleep. He stayed like that until night.
Raidou was awoken to cursing in the kitchen. He climbed out of bed, dragging his blankets along with him, and crept into the hallway.
"Dammit it Iruka! I can't do this anymore." Genma said.
"Do what?" Iruka asked, suddenly sounding hurt.
"This! I can't handle you constantly wanting to be around me. You ended the relationship with me, not the other way around. I'm with Raidou now, and you have been making me feel like I've broken his trust for weeks now! Like I have something to hide! Even though I don't! Because I know you are going to try something. Seeing how Kakashi treated me really opened my eyes. He doesn't hate me because of something stupid, he hates me because of the way I've been treating Rai. I'm not having anymore of it. We can be friends, but you need to understand that I love Raidou. I love him more than I ever loved you." Genma yelled.
Raidou quickly made it to the kitchen. Once he saw Genma, the tears began again. Genma instantly pulled him into a hug, leaving Iruka to stand there. Genma sent him a glare, and Iruka took that as his cue to leave. Genma held Raidou tighter.
"I love you." Raidou whispered.
"I love you too." Genma whispered back.
Things changed. Raidou began to see all the little things Genma did reinforced the fact that he did love him. The two stayed in more, but of course still went out to see what kind of trouble Anko was getting the others into. Iruka decided that being friends with Genma was better than trying to get him back, and if he did get a little too close Asuma and Kakashi had no problem telling him. Raidou loved having Genma all to himself, though there was still one thing that Raidou was still confused about.
"Gen?" Raidou asked.
"Yeah?" Genma asked.
The two sat cuddled together on the couch watching a movie.
"You never told me how exactly you realized the issue with Iruka." Raidou said.
Raidou felt Genma shudder.
"Let's just say, someone who cares about you a lot opened my eyes for me." Genma said.
Raidou thought about all the people who could have done that. There was Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and even a certain grumpy elder that occasionally subbed for Tsunade in the mission room. Raidou chuckled, and snuggled closer into Genma. That would be a story for another day.