I wasn't expecting anything like it, that's for sure. I just decided, when I got stuck at Cartman's house one night after finishing a project, that I would dig through their movies.

There were lame DVDs such as 'The Lion King', 'Rambo' and some World War II movie that I'm sure Cartman has watched a hundred times.

Certainly nothing that I'd wanna see, sitting in the living room of the resident Neo-Nazi… So I begin to dig through their old vhs's.

Which is where this story begins.

I pop in a random tape, which seems to hold a bunch of random TV shows. Well, apparently all of them had Cartman in them. (Who knew he got around so much?)

There was the Maury Show and the brief few moments he was on the whale show with Stan and Kenny…

Then came up 'The Dog Whisperer'. Now, I know for a FACT that Cartman would never have a dog.

1. He's too fucking fat and lazy to walk and otherwise take care of one.
2. He's more of a cat person.
3. He probably doesn't want to face the humiliation that Clyde did when Stan's Sparky raped his dog.

Heh.

Anyway, I figured that I had seen the last of the Cartman on TV, when 'the dog whisperer' knocked on their door.

I watched that entire goddamn episode… with my jaw on the floor.

Xxx

That night, I stayed up until three or four in the morning, wondering what the fuck I just saw. I remember the day Cartman came up to us, complaining that he had lost weight and wanting us to help him kill his mom.

I suddenly remember like it was yesterday.

Then he was all wonderful for the morning and BAM! Just like that, he was back to his assholeish self again.

Now, over the years he's lost a ton of weight, but that doesn't mean he's skinny or buff or anything. He's still unhealthy and fat. (Though, now he refers to himself as 'bulky')

And he's still a jerk, even to his mom.

Xxx

I get woken up by someone kicking the side of the couch.

"Jew! Goddamnit, get up. My mom made breakfast." I can hear Cartman's distinct scratchy voice in my ear and roll over, pulling my warm blanket over my head.

"Tsst."

He growls and pulls the blanket off my body, "Get up, Kahl! I want you out of this house as soon as you eat!"

It only took a single glance into those fat-framed eyes to know what I was going to do.

"Whatever."