Standard disclaimers apply.
A/N: Originally posted around September 2009.
Summary: One fine day during a Captains' Meeting, the Head Captain seems to have lost it, and everyone prepares for the end.
Nearing the End
As the Thirteen Court Guard Squad Captains assembled for yet another unexpected Meeting, courtesy of the Head Captain and his capricious tendencies that were attributable to his advancing age and resulting senility, it transpired that they had run out of topics to discuss. The Head Captain, having expounded on everything from the issue about the stray Menos Grande found in one of the Districts to the latest activities of the Soul Reaper Women's Association, was now reduced to beating around the bush, parrying questions and snapping crude insults at random captains as an excuse to keep the meeting going.
"Captain Kuchiki," he snapped this time at the Captain of the Sixth Squad, who raised an eyebrow slightly, wondering what it was that he could possibly have done wrong. "The color of your scarf offends me!"
Byakuya's initial bewilderment was replaced by a sense of sympathetic understanding. He had, after all, borne witness to his own grandfather's sprouting such idiosyncrasies only days before his death. The Head Captain was, no doubt, nearing his end. With such a happy thought in his mind, he contented himself with shutting his eyes and ignoring the insult.
"Did you not hear me, Captain Kuchiki?" said the Head Captain, his whiskers bristling in indignation. "I asked you a question."
And Byakuya ignored him once again, now getting an idea of how severe the Head Captain's problem was.
Captain Kyoraku, a student of Yamamoto's, felt it his duty to stand up for his old teacher.
"Hey, Byakuya," he said smilingly, as if politely pointing out that there was a fly in his soup. "Answer the guy's question already."
"Shunsui!" the Head Captain burst out. "How dare you refer to me as 'the guy'!"
Kyoraku tilted his hat in a gesture of apology, but said nothing, becoming convinced that the Head Captain's days were indeed numbered.
The Head Captain, giving up on Kyoraku, proceeded to criticize Mayuri's appearance.
"How many times have I told you, Captain Kurotsuchi, not to wear that appalling makeup on your face?"
Never, actually.
"Pardon me, sir," said Mayuri, "but I refuse to allow my face to be called appalling. It has taken me endless hours of research and experiments on my own body to permanently acquire this look."
But the Head Captain had turned to Zaraki by then.
"Captain of Squad Eleven," he said. "The sound of the bells in your hair annoys me like nothing else. Remove them at once. And have yourself a new uniform made before I burn the present one to ashes."
Zaraki gritted his teeth, hand hovering inches over the hilt of his sword, a million swearwords on the tip of his tongue, all as sharp as his blade. He had, however no need to use them, for the Head Captain had already turned to his next victim.
"Captain Soifon, I understand that the Stealth Force is in very bad shape. You will be punished severely for it."
On the contrary, the Stealth Force had never been in better form.
A cough proceeded from Ukitake at this juncture.
"Jushiro!" shouted Yamamoto as if Ukitake had committed an unspeakable crime. "If you cannot get your lungs fixed, do not bring them to the Captains' Meetings!"
The funeral procession could almost be heard outside. It soon transpired, however, that it was Ichigo's group assembling outside the doors.
"What's that noise?" said the Head Captain.
"Your funeral procession…" said Hitsugaya dreamily, only half-aware of the words coming out of his mouth.
It was fortunate that it was this point that Ichigo chose to make his entry.
"Hey, everyone, how's it—?"
But he was cut off by a binding curse.
"Filth!" shouted Yamamoto. "You dare make mockery of me! Funeral procession?! I have never been this insulted in my entire life!"
It was decided thereupon that the meeting be adjourned. The captains began filing out of the room accordingly.
"Where—where are you going?" demanded the Head Captain, who had given no such order. "Come back!"
But the crowd did not heed his words.
The Head Captain stared after his suddenly insubordinate captains with incredulity in his old eyes, his mouth hanging open as a stray breeze blew his unkempt whiskers into it.
"Is this really happening?" he asked himself aloud.
He jumped when a shuffling of feet behind him reached his ears. It was Soifon.
"You shouldn't be talking," she said ominously. "It's not good for your health. Only a few more days, and then…"
"And then what?"
"And then," she said with an air of finality, turning her back on the Head Captain and soon catching up with her peers.
Once they had traveled a significant distance from the Head Captain's chamber, the remaining captains held an informal Captains' Meeting in order to discuss the fate of the Soul Society, and bring Ichigo and the others up to speed.
Byakuya did the honors.
"Ichigo Kurosaki," he said. "Do you know what's going on?"
Ichigo replied that he didn't, adding that he'd love to know.
"I'd love to know," he said. He loved adventure.
"Very well," said Byakuya. "But I warn you. What I'm about to tell you is not pleasant. So brace yourself. Head Captain Yamamoto is standing on Death's doorstep."
"No, you idiot," said Soifon. "That was the bathroom: he has diarrhea."
Byakuya repeated his earlier asseveration with asperity.
"It is only a matter of time before he will… pass away."
An idle wind made his scarf billow, as if to demonstrate the manner in which the Head Captain was to pass.
Orihime gasped. Ichigo gulped. Chad grunted. Uryu straightened his glasses on the bridge of his nose.
"So," said Ichigo. "You mean to say… he's gonna die?"
At this point, Rukia joined the group.
"Rukia," said Ichigo. "Where've you been?"
"With my squad."
"Looks like you've been busy."
"I have."
They proceeded to talk inanely on topics ranging from the weather, which couldn't have been better, to the state of things in Ichigo's family and the World of the Living in general.
"Did you know the Head Captain's gonna die?" Ichigo said in the passing.
"No," said Rukia, and then they resumed talking about the weather and the state of things in Ichigo's family.
The informal Captains' Meeting, on the other hand, had already commenced.
"It can't be helped," said Kyoraku. "If he's gotta go, then he's gotta go."
Hitsugaya pfft-ed his disagreement with this statement.
"If he's gotta go then he should have gone already," he said peevishly, for he regarded the old man as an obstacle in his path to becoming the Head Captain.
"Evidently he's tenacious," said Byakuya.
"Now, now," said Unohana. "That's no way to talk about the Head Captain."
"Face it, he's a crap-barrel," said Zaraki.
"I would have phrased that differently," said Unohana with a dignified smile.
"Like how?"
"'A container of festering feces' would have been the politer way to put it."
Zaraki grumbled something about how he always hated technical terms, and as a result got drawn into an acrimonious war of words with Mayuri.
Discussions lingered briefly on the state of things in the Rukongai, and ended with Ukitake shaking his head sadly.
Here Ichigo and his group rejoined the Meeting, and introduced the topic of red-bean paste being used as a universal topping—Orihime's favorite.
"There's nothing you can't eat with it!" she declared.
And then someone shouted, "Look! There's the Head Captain!"
And indeed, there he was: the wizened old man taking steps with great difficulty in an ambitious yet respectable attempt at reaching the people who had abandoned him. He took small steps, and grunted and huffed, but to the crowd it seemed as though he were battling his way through a sea in a tempest.
"You!" he said in booming voice, addressing no one in particular. And then his eyes slowly shut, and peace overcame him. The shaking in anger, heaving, and panting—all stopped, and the sea became calm again.
"I can't believe it," said Kyoraku, wiping a tear from a corner of his eye, and sniveling with emotion. "May you rest in peace, Old Man Yama!"
"May you rest in peace," everyone else echoed.
And then Hitsugaya made a startling observation.
"He's walking back to his chamber!"
"Oh," said Kyoraku, recomposing himself hastily.
And then Uryu made a similarly startling observation when Lieutenant Sasakibe suddenly appeared behind the Head Captain, and handed him some medicine in a bottle that he took graciously.
"He appears to be giving him some kind of medicine."
Kyoraku sniffed the air.
"Alcohol," he said confidently. "Of ninety-nine percent purity."
"That would explain," said Soifon darkly, "the diarrhea."
"So you mean…" said Orihime, close to tears, "that he's not going to die?"
Ukitake shook his head sadly.
"No, dear."
The dam broke, and Orihime began wailing inconsolably.
All of a sudden the weather seemed to have taken a turn for the worse, and the nine captains and Ichigo's group were now standing in the rain, their dreams shattered.
The End