Title: Up close and personal with Sev. Snape

Authoress: Lady Domino

Rating: M

Summary: Snape started keeping a diary about the time he first went over to Lord Voldemort. But what was the true reason for his choosing to be a deatheater? And how will it affect his life?

Warnings: Slash. This means male sexual relationships. If you don't like it read something else.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

A/N: Yes, I, like so many others, have read Cassie Clare's Very Secret Diaries. This was inspired by that, but is not an attempt to upstage her or steal any of her work. I am very much in awe of her.

I, Severus Snape, do hereby swear in this diary to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Am not good with dates so this is when Lord Voldemort is all powerful and unstoppable

Am totally bummed. Asked Black out again. Was told no. Went down on knees. Was told no again. Begged. Was threatened with curses.

Do not understand why Black is not succumbing to my princely charms. Fear I may have lost sex appeal. Used to be he and his three freaky friends couldn't leave me alone. Would be turned upside down by perverts just so that they could admire my boxers. Now can't get attention for love nor money.

Feel ignored. Potter has used Fidelius charm to hide away. Can not work out who Secret Keeper is, so do not know who to try and seduce. Fear Black is sneaking off to meet him there at night. Why go to all that effort when he could sneak off and meet me? Spindle's End probably far nicer than silly hidden place of Potter's.

Besides, Potter is married. Am mentally single and carefree yet am not deluged in fan girls. Can not understand this.

Am bored with Remus. Too easy to get into bed – one word about letting people know his little secret and he comes running. Have lost the thrill of the chase. Plus, do not wish to be chased every full moon. Plus he is getting clingy. Do not like the way he turns up when not asked to. A man's castle is a man's home! Feel invaded and unsafe. Can no longer leave House Elf porn lying around for fear of discovery. Am suffering dreadfully.

Had a go at seducing old school friend Lucius yesterday after was rejected by Sirius. Was looking for casual, feel better sex. Was totally bummed when told that only one in his life is Voldemort. Don't understand why everyone wants to be with Voldemort these days. Feel sure I am better in bed than poxy old Dark Lord. Although am getting a bit out of practice as only person I have is Remus. Need new partner so can practice new, exciting moves.

Have three interesting options for new partner. Am currently considering Pettigrew, but think will get a refusal because that's what Black did. Pettigrew is true lemming; would run off cliff and eat own tail if Black did. Believe he is not worthy of my affections as is v. inferior and also a bit too fat for energetic sex. Must forget him now.

Other option is Dumbledore. Plus points: am not looking for deep relationship and he is famed for one night stands. Minus points: have heard he has a thing for goats and socks. Do not fancy becoming an animagus just to mess around with old man who will probably die soon anyway. Do not believe in wearing any clothes to bed. Doubt could live with sock fetishist. Will find it too scary to wake up in morning with socks on. Will feel like something is wrong with world.

Third option: Lord Voldemort. Plus points: rumoured to be v. handy with a wand. Find this a big turn on. Minus points: not in for casual relationships. Expects commitment. Likes branding partners with funky tattoo. Not sure I can stand it: have v. low pain threshold. Don't really fancy spending rest of life with Dark Mark on wrist either. May cause problems if going after Black again as he has silly aversion to it. Don't see why – he has enough tattoos of his own and is not one to talk.

However!

Have heard that Dark Lord is v. talented wizard. Believe it is possible that he knows even more about potions than me. Have formulated plan: get with Dark Lord, seduce Dark Lord, extract from Dark Lord top secret super-strong love potion formula, leave Dark Lord, feed love potion to Black, have rampant weekend with Black!

Remus looking slightly relieved when told him he was no longed needed. Am sure that deep down he is absolutely suicidal. Who wouldn't be? He is losing me! On plus side can now leave House Elf porn in loo again. Must find out Dark Lord's preferences on this. Have approached Lucius and asked him way to Voldemort's heart. Turns out must swear eternal loyalty and offer skills in service to him. Have plenty of skills that would service him v. well. Believe am on a winner here.

Black better watch out because am coming after him. By Christmas will have swoony Sirius in bed madly in love with moi. Feel all hot and bothered just by thought of it.