A/N: Thank you Black-Dranzer-1119 for Beta-ing!!:P Ur the best beta in the world:)
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. Quite logical, if you think about it…I'm on FanFiction, which means I haven't had the chance to put in the things I wanted to see in it so badly…Or do you think Ohba and Obata would like FF?:) I can imagine, actually^^
1. Wake
Yagami Light's fate: He had everything others could only wish for, just thrown into his lap. He had all he needed, and didn't even have to work hard for it. If he had to wasn't it a problem either, Light didn't mind working hard. It made him feel useful. He lived with it, was proud of it, but of course, there has to be a downside. Light most likely wasn't able to love. He possessed love for his family and for humanity, but he never felt 'love' in the sense of feeling attracted to someone else, to want to be closer to that person until it would become claustrophobic if it were with someone else than the loved one…No, he never felt that. And he missed it. It was mankind's reason to exist, right? To love. To feel attracted to others, to make new humans, to live your life; and though Light thought love was a useless emotion, did he still miss it. Others talked about it so…loving…
Light had one wish, one he denied, even to himself and no one would ever find out about, he hoped.
Yagami Light wanted to know what love felt like.
***
Dreams. Did Light have dreams? He wanted to become a police officer. He wanted to stay as good-looking and active as he was. He wanted to protect others. He often dreamt about that, about protecting others.
Light had been having more and more weird dreams lately and he couldn't think of what they meant. It was probably something only geniuses dreamt, like he knew too well. Sometimes things that were totally normal to him were misunderstood by others. He couldn't help it, and he never really wished others understood either. The fact that they didn't understand only made him feel smarter.
"Liiiiight!! Wake uuup!!" The ridiculously happy voice rang loudly in his sleepy ears, his eyes opened and the blankets only inches away from his eyes slowly began to take form.
A sleepy "Hmm...mw...Mum..." was all he could manage from under the clean, white blankets that nicely covered him and keeping Light's body warmth with him.
"You don't want to be late for school, won't you?! Today is your Big Moment!!"
Light repressed the urge to press his pillow against his ears and over his face, only wanting to SLEEP longer…
"Today, my son will have the highest score on the National Japanese Test, again!!"
His mother sounded so STUPID. STUPID damn Test. Where was the sleep…? Sleep, nice and delicious SLEEP…
"Mum..." Light mumbled. Let him…Only five minutes…
"Come on, don't leave too late!!" Light suddenly realized that far too happy and irritating voice was now close.
Dangerously close.
He glanced quickly at the floor of his room to see a pair of pink slippers with panty-socks in them jumping around happily.
Too close. Way too close.
His mother clapped her hands in excitement and pulled away the blankets. Light moaned again and curled up at the sudden loss of body warmth. D-a-m-n-i-t. Not to mention the fact that he was only clad in boxers, and his mother was now proudly looking at the niceness she made with her own hands and heart. She must have a very good heart for deserving something so great…And that was going to score the highest in the National Japanese Test. Light saw it in her eyes, and… actually her whole face.
'Lame test...'
"Good luck, my Light."
After his Mum kissed his cheeks, hugged him, gave him a lunch pocket(why was that necessary…?) and pulled his jacket straight (he wasn't five anymore!!), Light left to meet the girls who had asked him to walk to school with them. Well, actually he didn't exactly leave to meet them…They were just waiting for him at the corner of some street, to just throw themselves at him as soon as he appeared, trying to get his attention. For good luck, they claimed. 'Idiots...Like my abilities will flow into them if they're with me. It won't help them to concentrate, either...'
He tried not to roll his eyes when the five girls, who all somehow managed to show too much skin for this time of the year, noticed him and began to squeal. The three biggest sluts, all wearing skirts that distracted other men around to the point where they almost caused accidents, threw themselves at him, and Light was sure he felt a hand touching his ass swiftly.
"Hellooo!! Did you sleep well last night?!"
Light's eyes flew wide open at the sudden question. Indeed, he slept nice, but NOT with the thought of a woman or a girl, or actually anything like THAT… He stared at the girl who currently held his arm, and the short skirt Light could only wish to get hot from, in disbelief she willingly missed.
'What the heck do you have to do with that...?'
A slutty look appeared in the fake brown eyes he was now staring into.
"Well, I dreamt about you, Light…"
Light's head got snapped to the other side when another girl grabbed his other hand and entangled her fingers with his.
"I did too…"
And another girl with a jacket that showed half her boobs (Light could only notice and wonder what all those guys found so interesting about those… bulges of fat) appeared in front of him and began to whisper in his ear.
"My dreams were very n-"
"-I dreamt I was at the top of the police, ruling the whole nation."
"Oooh..."
Light pushed away all the girls and was now eying the cloudy sky, to hide the eye roll that just had to come out. Sluts. Annoying.
'You girls didn't even show up there, only Mum, Dad, Sayu and all the other good people.'
After a lot of drabble, squeals and other idiotic nonsense, including his ass being groped eight times, Light finally sat down at his classroom, waiting for the white paper to be shoved on his table.
***
Not long after, he had finished the first part of the test, and so stared out of the window. The test was tiring, but those girls were even more. He knew everyone else either wanted to be him or with him, and it quite frankly bored him. What all the other guys wanted was to have Light's attention of all the girls, his brains, his looks, his popularity… Also the fact that all the other guys wanted to be him was only making them desire it even more.
'Suckers.'
All that the girls wanted was to be with him, to have him all for themselves… His body, his attention, his words, his love, his kisses… And the fact that all the other girls wanted to be his girlfriend, only made them all want to be with him even more.
'Suckers.'
He didn't even like girls. He didn't feel the 'hotness' other guys were always talking about when they thought about so-called 'hot' girls. Or other guys. They were all ugly, or dumb, or lame or something… No. And no other girl or guy could understand him. As soon as he said something others didn't understand, and that happened quite often, girls chirped about how smart he was and guys looked at him, laughed, and wondered how it must be to be as smart as Light was.
He sighed and thought about the dream he had last night. He was with Sayu, his Dad, his Mum and others he liked (no other girls or guys from his age, anyway). They looked happy and proud. "Light, your brilliance saved us all...You are the best!!" The world was at peace...The whole wide world…
"Yagami!!"
Light blinked. The voice seemed to come from so far away, but apparently the whole class had noticed, everyone stared at him and his handsome features, now covered in faked respect.
"Yes, Sensei?"
Light knew the teacher didn't like him. Light probably looked as bored as he was during class, and he still scored far too high grades…So the poor man had practically nothing to complain about.
"You were dreaming again, huh?! Have you finished your test already?!"
"Yes, Sensei."
The teacher looked at him, surprised for a moment before he walked away again. Light was sure he heard him mumbling something about how strange it was that someone who dreamt so much could still finish tests, especially a hard test like this.
Light sighed again. He felt alone. He usually felt alone, but then in a special, a genius way… like he was better than the others… Alone at the top. But now he really felt alone. He wished someone would talk to him, really understand him; but it wasn't really likely he'd meet someone to talk to in that way. It just... Wasn't likely. Or at least not for the next ten years. Maybe, as soon as he'd be at the police top, he'd meet smart people, other geniuses. But there wasn't really a chance there would be someone who looked good enough for him to fall in love with. He sighed again. And again. But the lonely feeling refused to go away.
'I don't think I'm able to love anyone else in that way.'
***
"Watari."
Watari looked up at the young man who was sat in a nearby chair. His knees were hugged tightly to his chest and he sat in front of a laptop with a microphone and a voice recorder, making a somewhat strange contrast with the old-fashioned room, with dark red carpet and oaken furniture. The young man himself gazed at Watari with a black-underlined but still awake and intense look, too wide clothes that didn't really fit around his lithe body, and a white and equal skin. He had his head turned to Watari, who looked back and smiled.
"What is it, Ryuzaki? Have you finished the Stockholm-case already?"
"Yes. It took me two days to find out that it was Berglund. An average, but important person who manipulated his colleagues to kill each other or commit suicide, by killing himself in a way that'd make the colleagues suspect and kill each other. The whole company would collapse. The company was owned by his older, more successful brother, who also stole his wife. The wife thought it was the brother who killed Berglund, and killed her husband, and after that herself. Other details are included in the summary I'll send to your e-mail address. Please hand it over to the prime-minister, and tell him to keep it as a secret. The local police took care of the survivors and other targets."
"You did it again, did you? Only two days..."
Watari looked at the young man/boy, still not knowing which one of the two it must be. It wasn't really rightful to call someone who had been living for 25 years now a 'boy', but the flawless skin without even a trace of hair growing on it, the high cheekbones accentuating the size and shape of the curious eyes and the smooth jaw line made it hard to believe the boy was older than 18. His slender frame and same white and wrinkle- varicose vein- and- hairless skin made it only worse… Or better, depending on your perspective. And he was so smart and hard-working. Two days. Watari always wanted to hug him like a panda plushy, but knew it would harm their professionalism… And that would be bad. His thoughts got interrupted by the deep voice, the voice that was one of the last reasons to call L Lawliet a 'man'. If he would've had a higher voice, everything that made him more than a teenager would've been the things he did for the world and the number of candles on his birthday cake. Which he also loved too much for a 'man'. Oh, Watari's thoughts were floating away again…It must be his old brain…Watari decided to seriously focus at the meaning of the words the boy was speaking.
"…And we better celebrate it with a chocolate cake and a break. We haven't had a break since the Namibia-Serial Killer-case in June.'
The poor boy sounded tired when thinking back to it. Watari remembered Namibia, it had been a hard and very dry time where L had caught some kind of African disease, and was forced to turn back to Wammy's to recover. This sounded better, a real break for simple relaxation.
"What kind of chocolate do you want on the cake, Ryuzaki?"
A childish shine of happiness appeared in the wide and quite adorable black panda-eyes.
"Oh... Every sort you can find."
***
"Congratulations, Ryuzaki."
"…?"
Panda Boy blinked when Watari walked in with his arms full of white rolls of paper and a big white box.
"We haven't celebrated your birthday yet, because the lack of breaks. Here, a present for you. Don't shake it..."
"...Oh...?"
A smile crossed Watari's face as he saw L's look full of surprise as he took the big white box with the Bakery Strawberry logo on it.
Watari thought only briefly about how much effort it took to get that pie to North-Russia where they currently were. Bakery Strawberry was the L's favorite bakery in Winchester, and Watari knew he still tried to find more proof for the perfection of that bakery- No matter where they went, he always asked for stuff from new bakeries.
He usually enjoyed every cake, no matter where they went, but nothing tasted as good as home. Watari understood only too well. He already found it wonderful how the one who could have been his son still saw Winchester as his home. Said person now opened the box, and his lips parted slightly when he saw the baked good that could have almost been described as being work of art.
"An extra large chocolate-strawberry-mocha pie, filled with whipped cream, oh, and a lot of letters from Whammy's. Here, Linda drew you as a panda. A masterpiece, isn't it?"
L took the roll of paper and looked at it. A drawing of him wearing a black shirt with 'Panda' on it. Perfect. It looked quite realistic, and the object of the drawing adored it like he did the pie, the perfection and creativity...
"Ah... A masterpiece..."
"They miss you, Ryuzaki. Maybe you should go back tomorrow to see them?"
The childish smile got broader, not hesitating for even a second. He should. Tomorrow, the World's Three Greatest Detectives would go back to his home and the rest of his considered-as-a-family.
***
"L!!"
"Seriously?!"
"It's him!!"
"YAY!!"
"L!! L!!"
Before L Lawliet could somehow defend himself, he was smacked into the green grass of Wammy's by such a hoard of children that a pedophile would be jealous. Behind him, five children ran to Watari, hugging his legs.
"Poor uncle Watari will be hugged too!!"
L stared at the old building standing fiercely in the middle of a big green yard smelling like the delicious green trees behind the house, and the fresh and healthy grass, the old clock, the bells clinging in his ears. He suddenly realized they shouldn't be doing anything right now but reflecting the sun that had appeared just before Wammy's came in his sight.
"They're ringing the bells for you, L!!"
L felt a shadow fall across his face and he noticed the outline of Linda's blonde head leaning over him and perfectly blocking the sun from his face.
"Hello Linda, I got your portrait of me..."
A surprised smile painted the face of the head hanging above him, proud of having L mentioning something she made.
"Oh really?! Did you like it?!"
L smiled.
"It was awfully realistic."
"Ohh, Thank you, L..."
L felt a soft peck on his cheek and smiled. 'This much love…' He began to wonder why he was always somewhere else. He went everywhere in the world, but never HERE. During Christmas he always returned home for a few days, but after that he would be busy with all the Christmas serial killers who seemed to be a real plague every year.
He suddenly felt more than delighted when he saw three faces appear in front of him he knew very well.
"Hello, L."
"You gotta tell us something."
"Something really important."
All the other children took a step back and ran to Watari to greet him too when Near, Mello and Matt pulled L upstairs and pushed him into a comfortable chair in front of the window. Matt locked the heavy and wooden door quickly and checked it twice to make sure no one could hear them. Then the three turned to L again, who had pulled up his knees and now bit his thumbnail, looking at his successors-to-be curiously. Mello took a step forward and looked at L with his never-fading passionate eyes.
"Now you gotta admit us something, L."
"Something really important."
The interrupted Mello's head snapped to look at Matt. The goggle-eyed boy looked back, not knowing what to do with his hands since he forgot his Gameboy Advanced Golden Edition in his hurry to see L.
"Shut up!! He already knows how important it is!!'
Matt shrugged and held up his hands next to his shoulders to indicate that he didn't want to interrupt Mello.
"I wanted to build up tension..."
Near only twirled his special lock around his finger.
"Calm down... Like this he'll never tell us..."
This time Mello held his head still and tried very hard to show Near he ignored him, and he turned back to his amused victim.
"L, tell us. Is it true that you, in the now full 25 years you've lived, never kissed anyone?!"
L's amused smile didn't change in the slightest way when Matt joined in again.
"And that automatically means you're a 25-year-old VIRGIN!! You never did it, did you?!"
"Not true… Usually whores don't kiss the ones they pleasure."
Mello pointed at L while glaring at Near in a 'who-the-heck-do-you-think-you-are?!'-way. How does that stupid albino dare to indicate that L couldn't find anyone to ...?!
"Who doesn't want to kiss our panda?!"
L blushed and smiled. Mello was so strange…
Near ignored Mello's fire-shooting look and looked at L calmly.
"If you really wanted to, you would've gone to a whore, and if you liked men you would've gone to a male whore. I think you're asexual."
L eyes glided over the walls covered with book shelves and photos from all the Wammy Kids, including himself when he was younger. He smiled at the bored and black eye-lined look of the fifteen-year-old L Lawliet for a second. A lot like Mello actually, a real rebel passionately hating boredom and losing. He also remembered the blue lock in his hair, which eventually became a whole blue mop of hair, including blue eye-liner he always used to make the contrast between his eyes and skin larger.
He turned back to the boys standing in front of him and decided that he must be the weirdest of the people filling the quite big and antique room.
"And why... do you guys wish to know this...?"
Mello took a step forward again.
"Will we end up like you?! I don't want to be asexual!!"
Matt took a step in Mello's direction, shocked how anybody could hurt the Holy Panda…
"Mello!! You'll hurt his feelings!!"
L's eyes followed the way Mello grabbed Matt's arm, pulling him closer to glare at him. A look that told everyone Mello could hurt whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted…
But L noticed he pulled Matt a bit too close in the wrong places to have nothing to do with physical attraction.
"Mello, if you're not asexual, that special moment will come to you sometimes. It may come soon, if you're not careful."
Matt and Near both blushed, but Mello didn't notice, released Matt's striped shirt from his grip and turned back to the smiling panda.
"Answer, L!! Are you asexual?!"
Honestly, L didn't know. Seriously not. He had never felt anything like physical attraction to anyone. They were too dumb most of the time; and if they weren't, they were ugly. Or too young or old, like Watari or his successors. Yes, actually...L thought of himself as asexual. He didn't fear getting himself off though, after he solved a case and needed something to sleep on, but he never had anyone to really fantasize about. Doing himself felt good, but in the same way as when he rubbed his feet or went to the (private, he didn't show his face, and therefore not his body) sauna, to relax. He didn't really want Watari to see him doing that though, but...
L stared at the ceiling for a second, before he turned back to the over-interested blonde and the two boys standing behind him, both ignoring the one who talked for the three of them.
"Yes, I think I'm asexual."
Matt tilted his head to the left.
"That must be very weird. How does it feel?"
"As L, feelings like that would only get in my way. It's better like this, and eating cake and solving cases is satisfying too."
Mello shook his head in denial. Poor L. No sexual feelings, no falling in love, no hotness, no wet dreams, no heat radiating in the air when coming close to a certain someone wearing goggles, no secretly creeping into his bed and listening to his snores and mumbling, no warm feeling in his stomach when taking away the video games from him and feel him wrestling with him in an attempt to get the plastic piece of electronics back…
"Jeez. It must be very, very boring."
Matt shook his head too, as if copying Mello, thinking the same as Mello at the same moment…
"Unbelievably boring."
Near blinked a few times as if considering something. No endless doubts over a certain blond, no rivalry with Goggle Boy, and a thing that he and L had in common, but… No butterflies, no dreams, no reason to do something else than puzzling all day long and actually talk to people.
"I can't really imagine it, but it sounds useful…"
Near twirled his locks around his finger again and L smiled. These boys… How lucky he was to have them, know them and be able to talk to them. He wondered how it must've been to be the same age as them. He'd probably be the one battling Mello all the time with smart arguments, watching Matt's video games for hours and play with sweets together with Near. He noticed Matt wasn't gaming, and how strange it was to see. He looked at L with calculating eye, his head tilted to the other side, and L didn't miss the sudden blush and shy look that appeared on the redheads face.
"Can you imagine our panda doing something...?"
Near blushed unnoticeably when his gaze slid over L's body; actually he could. He was getting hormonal, he noticed, and L always had been attractive to him somehow, but… Yes, he could imagine L doing things. With him though, it would be pedophilia, he realized, and feels a slight pity. Huh.
"Yes, actually I can…"
"If our panda is asexual, and we can imagine doing him things, I think it's clear that we aren't asexual!!"
Near and Matt glanced at each other for a second, indicating how not-true that statement was. Mello huffed as if he wanted to scream: 'Hell, I'm not asexual!!'. L thought about the way Mello always touched Matt, about the porn magazines Roger took away from him half a year before and how Near and Matt always had to straighten up Mello's sexual remarks. No, Mello…
"Mello, I can say without too much doubt that the chance of you being asexual is almost zero."
The blonde's eyes widened and looked at the strange-but-nice-looking young man in front of him with wide eyes almost surpassing L's.
"Phew. If you say so..."
First, Mello was only glad. After that, he went happy. Thanks to the man in front of him. The Panda-man. The curious smile, the black lines…L. He realized something. L was back.
L back?
L back!!
L!! Wohoo!!
L instinctively pulled his knees down before Mello could break his ribs on them, and suddenly, Mihael Keehl crushed him into an embrace that almost fractured his own ribs. He wrapped his arms around his sort-of younger brother, and realized he hadn't hugged anyone for more than half a year… and he missed it. He took the other two boys in his arms too, and enjoyed the warmth of the arms around him, and all the love. Love. Family love. No Love-love. That was better, someone celebrating his 25th birthday who'd like three under-aged boys hugging him in a sexual or romantic way was considered 'pedophile', and L definitely wasn't. He was nothing, actually. Only 'asexual'. Strange.
The air felt cold when the boys released him after a few minutes of hugging, smiling and realizing he was back home.
***
That night, L couldn't sleep. He didn't really sleep too much usually, but now he laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling, waiting for the sleep to come.
He hated that.
Not sleeping wasn't rare for him considering the amount of sugar, coffee and tea that kept him awake all the time, so he could continue solving cases and being L. But now, there was nothing to solve, nothing to deduct, and it made him feel less useful and more unsatisfied. There was also nothing (no one?) to fantasize or dream about. He began to think about everything he didn't have.
Parents, a real family, friends, personal contact with others than Watari or the people from Wammy's, a love or anything that goes with love, or any experience with the way people make other people.
That was also a reason for a lot of people to kill. He solved thousands of cases about people who had killed someone else because they had seen/heard/done something that ruined a love life, whether it was their own, their friends', their love's, or a family member… People seemed to get stuck in their feelings and do things they regretted… or didn't regret. Sheesh. L was happy he didn't have feelings like that. But on the other hand, it must be exceedingly good if people were willing to commit murderer for it.
'Somewhere, it pinches… Maybe I feel a bit alone, surrounded by Near, Mello and Matt who seem to be lovers, rivals and friends at the same time. What if I met someone? Smart, pretty… Special… Would I fall for that person…? How would it feel…?'
L finally fell asleep, to dream everything he did have: He was the World's Three Best Detectives, he was a genius, he could eat everything he wanted without getting fat, he could stay awake for as long as he wanted without consequences. (Well, his bags, but the ones who ever saw his face either didn't care or called him 'panda', a loving nickname…)
He had Watari, and Near, Matt and Mello, who were like younger brothers to him; he had a large amount of money and information from all over the world that everyone wanted. He had exactly the right voice that seemed to impress everyone all over the world; because even through how his voice got manipulated every time, the way he spoke was confident. He was confident himself; and strong, self-conscious and slept in the best hotels all over the world. He was L.
Unlike in others dreams he was sharing it with someone else… Someone who looked at him, talked to him… He couldn't recognize anything about the person him/herself, about what he/she said or… anything, but it felt so good to be with that person...
The day after, he was a bit more happy and cheerful than usual. But no one else had to know why.
***
A/N: What were actually your opinions about the first two parts?^^ I found them too corny, and I'm thinking about re-editing them away again...What do you think?^^ Review, plz...^^ Only this chap, kay?:3