This story is actually one that I submitted to the site several years ago. I finally was able to sit down and restart this series. I do apologize
to those readers who were hopeful of its continuation, but real life has a way of causing delays in the most well-intentioned of plans. I just simply looked over this first chapter and performed some well-needed editing, otherwise, the story has remained the same. Thank-you for reading this.
R.H., alias Hounder
Return to Evengelion
Chapter One
From the ashes of old
What kind of dream is this?
A young man, dressed in a traditional Japanese school uniform, stands by a red ocean. His arms hang loose by his sides like dead weights. Although young in age, his eyes reveal the many trials that he has been through. A wind picks up, slowly rippling through his dark hair. He turns around, curious about his surroundings, his youthful face showing a touch of wonder. Yet, with all the calmness he is showing as he surveys his surroundings, Shinji Ikari, Third Child, pilot of Evangelion Unit One, was scared. For not too far from the shore he sees the red waters taking over the streets of a ruined city. One he used to live in, used to protect. Looking at the flooded streets and crumbling buildings, he is curious as to why those relics are here in his dreams. Maybe, he mused, they are something that he still wants to be a part of his reality. But why is this place in ruins?
And where is everybody, Shinji thinks to himself. I wanted to be alone, but still, I did not think it would be this desolate.
-But, you did want to be alone-
The thought, not his, slipped into his mind. It felt comforting, and -familiar- in a way he could not remember. Feeling his anxiety slip away, he answers out loud.
"All- all I wanted was for the pain to stop," he stammered.
-But you are alone now, and yet, that pains you as well. And yet, are you truly alone?-
Asuka, thought Shinji to himself. Not long ago, he had left her lying on the shore of this sea of death, feeling disgusted with himself in that he had allowed someone into his dream of loneliness. Especially someone who had always rejected him.
-You still want her-
Anger began to fill his heart. Shinji cries out even as tears fill his eyes, "Stop tormenting me! Why are you doing this to me?"
"Because you are questioning yourself even now, Shinji. Questioning your true wants and desires even though what you felt you wanted most in your heart was given to you."
Surprised, Shinji turns quickly as he realizes that voice in his head had taken form.
There she stood, that enigmatic source that was in his mind, reading his thoughts.
Standing there, in a school uniform that before the Third Impact was her usual attire.
Looking at him with that expressionless face of hers.
"Rei?"
Shinji began to feel slightly confused. After a moment of staring at each other, Rei walks over and stands beside him, then begins to stare out over the red sea. Shinji stares at Rei, disbelieving what his eyes are telling him. She was – dead. He knew it since he had killed her. Feeling confused, Shinji turns his attention back towards the sea, trying to understand how she was there. Memories of the Third Impact begin to flood his mind. Memories- of how Rei had entered his dreams had...
But, that was just a dream, like this- right? Yea, that's it, he decided. Just another part of this dream.
But why?
A full moon begins to rise over the sea's horizon, illuminating the world with its soft glow. Looking back over at Rei, he he begins to feel as if the moon's light is pointing right at her, lighting up her pale white skin and and blue-tinted hair. Even her eyes appeared to shine with their own light.
"So, what do you want, Shinji?" she asks quietly.
Wiping the remaining tears, he thought then answered, "I- I don't know anymore. I always thought that by being alone I could avoid the pain. I had believed that no one wanted me, just my skills as a pilot. And, by being alone, I could be myself, not having to live up to other people's expectations. But now, even being alone causes pain."
"So, why is Asuka here?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe you really don't want to be alone."
"I don't know."
"Use your heart Shinji. You know that the answer is there, but are afraid to look for it."
Shinji hangs his head in shame.
"I am a coward. I cannot do it."
"Why not?"
"I am- afraid."
"Why?"
"Of what I may find."
"And what do you think that might be?"
"I don't know."
"So you are afraid of the unknown. Afraid of the future. Afraid to look inside and see that you want to get close to people."
Angrily, Shinji turns toward Rei, clenching his hands tightly, Crying out, "Why are you doing this to me? I don't ask for this to happen. It's all my dad's fault. If only-"
"So, if you could change it, you would?"
"Shinji paused, surprised by Rei's calmly voiced question. "It doesn't have to be this way?"
"No. It can be however you want it to be. This is your reality, your way of looking at the world. You do have an effect on other people's realities by what you do in yours. So, if you want it to be different, you just have to believe you can do it."
"But, all I ever wanted was for people to appreciate me for me."
"And you weren't?"
"NO! All anybody ever liked about me was that I was able pilot an EVA. No one ever really wanted to know the real me."
"What about Misato?" Rei turned slightly. "And about Asuka? Why does she like you?"
Shinji stared in surprise at Rei. Rei was now staring back out over the ocean, the warm breeze ruffling her hair and dress while her eyes continued to glow in the moon's increasing brightness.
"But, she hates me," he stammered.
"And she loves you, as you do her."
"And what do you know of love?" Shinji quickly responded. Rei turns back towards him. "You were created by my father. You- you never showed any emotion whatsoever towards anyone except him. You -never-"
Rei interrupted, "That is because I was created for a purpose. And yet, to succeed in that purpose, I had to understand love. I had to understand hate. So, I do know." Then she turned back once again towards the red water.
Shinji stares at her for a few moments, realizing that in his heart that somehow she really did know. That – she really did understand. As that understanding filled his mind, he turned back towards the sea.
Rei Ayanami, he thought to himself, just what are you really?
"I – am – God."
Shinji is stunned by the answer. He quickly looks in Rei's direction.
Rei has vanished.
What kind of dream is this?
A red-haired girl, in her early teens, stood by a great red sea. She was wearing a form-fitting red suit that matched her hair in color. Although a large bandage covered her left eye, it did not take away from her beauty. A wind starts to pick up and ripples through her long hair. She looks around, curious about her surroundings, her youthful face showing a touch of wonder and wincing in pain from a slight pull on her injured eye. But, with all the calmness that she shows while surveying her surroundings, Asuka Langley Souryu, Second Child, pilot of Evangelion Unit Two, was scared. For not too far from the shore she sees the red waters taking over the streets of a ruined city. One she used to live in, used to protect. Looking at the flooded streets and crumbling buildings, she is curious as to why those relics are here in her dreams. Maybe, she thinks, she was taking her anger out on them. An anger she gained from Shinji leaving a while ago.
Where is everyone, she thinks to herself. I wanted to be left alone, but not like this. And why is HE here? Why him of all people? Why is he in my dream? And why does my hurt like this? Nothing is supposed to hurt in a dream.
Then she remembers. During her last battle, her Eva was hit in its eye by a great spear. Due to her synchronization with her EVA, she too was injured. Mentally, she cursed herself for allowing such a thing to occur.
Mother, she thinks, why did you have to go away?
Her mother had killed herself when Asuka was very young. Asuka had seen her mother's face right after she had died and was never able to get the look she had out of her mind. It was almost like she had made peace with herself. If only, Asuka thinks to herself, I could make peace with myself as well.
Why can't you?
The thought, not hers, enters Asuka's mind. It feels comforting, and -familiar- in a way she could not remember. Feeling her anxiety slip away she answers.
"Because I am not happy with myself," Asuka states quietly as she continues surveying the sea and the ruins that was held in its grasp.
Why is that?
"Because I am useless."
Why do you feel this way?
"Because I failed."
So, because you failed you are useless?
"Yes, even Shinji left me. It is because of me that no one is here."
But, is that how you really feel?
"Yes, I am a failure so I must be alone."
"But is that how you really feel?"
Asuka turns towards the source of the voice, ignoring the fact that it was no longer just in her head, but coming from a real being. "Why are you doing this to me? Just leave me alone! Just leave me -"
Then she saw the source of the voice, and the words froze in her throat.
"Rei?" Asuka asked in a quiet, shocked voice.
Rei stood there, the breeze working her school uniform around. The moon just started to rise over the horizon, illuminating the world in its glow. Rei's pale skin and eyes seemed to almost glow in the light as she stood there, her face expressionless.
"Why do you feel that way?" Rei asked again quietly.
Asuka stood there in stunned silence. She finally gathers herself together enough to ask, "Where did you come from?"
"I was always here," answered Rei, "But why do you feel like that?"
"You wouldn't understand. You were always Commander Ikari's favorite, so you never had to try to get people's attention."
"But he was just using me for his own purpose. Would you want to be used so?"
Asuka turns away and begins to cry. Rei just stands there, listening to Asuka's sobbing. "Please, just go away," Asuka begs, "I just want to be alone."
"But do you really want to be alone?"
"I – I don't. I just want to be appreciated. I want to have people want to be with me. That's why I piloted an EVA. People liked that and wanted to be with me. I was worth something."
Asuka looks up, tears streaming down her face. "Now I have failed, and no one wants to be a failure. There, is that what you wanted to hear?"
"Are you saying that all you wanted was love? Are you saying that you never knew love, Asuka? Only hate? Only the need for attention?"
"Please – please stop," Asuka cries out. Turning back towards Rei, her eyes full of tears, she repeated, "Please, just leave me alone."
"But you never answered me."
"And how could you, a doll, a DAMN DOLL, ever understand?"
"Because I can feel your pain."
Asuka becomes enraged and stares directly into Rei's eyes. But, before she can retort, she saw something.
Understanding.
Rei really did understand.
Asuka's anger fell away from her like a cloak. "Just what are you, First Child?" Asuka whispered.
"I – am – God."
Then turning away, Rei disappeared into the mists that was blowing in from the sea.
And Asuka just stood there, deep in wonder.
Deep in thought, Shinji and Asuka nearly collide into each other. Both stop and look at each other in astonishment.
"Did you see-" both start to ask each other.
Silence takes over once again and the moments felt like hours as the two look at each other. Shinji looks into Asuka's eyes and sees something that he cannot fully understand. Yet, somehow, he knows she feels the same way he does. Shinji contemplates saying something. After all, it is only a dream. Nothing would come out of it anyway. Quietly with a thoughtful look on his face, he turns toward the sea.
Asuka stands there, watching Shinji as he stares over the expanse. The moon has finally risen over the horizon and was casting its glow fully over the land, illuminating his concerned face. After a moment of watching him, she too turns toward the red water. I wonder if I should tell him how I feel, she thinks to herself. After all, it is only a dream. What could happen?
Slowly, as the moon rises further into the night sky, they two find themselves closer and closer to each other. Eventually, they discover they are holding hands. I guess that answers that, each one thinks.
Asuka places her head on Shinji's shoulder. After brushing some errant strands of hair from her face, she finally speaks. "It really is a beautiful night."
"Yes, it is," Shinji say slightly nervously. Then, he seems to relax and laughs lightly. "I seem to remember you preferring the light of the city over the night sky," he reflects.
Asuka sighs. "Well, I am allowed to change my opinions, aren't I?"
Inside, Shinji is surprised that she did not say "What? Are you stupid?"
"I guess so," he replies.
More time slowly passes before Shinji speaks again. "I'm sorry, Asuka. It's all my fault."
"Hmm, what do you mean?" Asuka asks lazily from his shoulder.
"The reason that we are here. I am that reason. It's what I wanted." Shinji pauses, then sighs. "I just wanted to be alone. I – I wanted to get away from people because I felt that it was the only way possible for me to be happy. I hated having to live by what I felt other people expected of me. I never really felt wanted."
Shinji turns his head and looks at Asuka, who looks surprisingly content on his shoulder. Asuka looks up when she realizes he has stopped speaking. Looking into his eyes, she sees that he is opening up and letting his true feelings out.
"And when I woke up here, I thought that my wish, my dreams, were coming true. And then I saw you there beside me, invading my dream. I didn't understand then, so I hated you, and wanted to kill you."
Shinji pauses again, wiping some newly formed tears from his face. But I couldn't do it. Until Rei appeared, I just – well - just didn't understand why. But now I know, and I realize that I never truly wanted to be alone."
When Shinji mentioned Rei's name, Asuka immediately began to think. Now why did she visit him when this is my dream? Well, it doesn't matter, I need to be honest too. She then takes his hands and looks into his eyes. With the moonlight and stars, it feels like magic is in the air,
"You know," she starts with a small laugh, "I was wanting to be alone, too. Because I felt that since I had failed no one would want me. After all, who wants to be with a failure? I felt that I had nothing left." She pulls Shinji closer, laying her head on his chest. "Funny, isn't it?"
"What do you mean?"
"That we both wanted the same thing, and that we both we just too stupid and self-centered to see it."
Silence crept over the conversation, much like the mist as it moved in over the land. The two just stand there, holding onto each other, not sure whether to stay that way or to let go and risk waking up from this dream. Then the feeling of being watched came over the two. Looking out over the sea, they see an ethereal figure walking towards them over the water. Shinji and Asuka then look back at each other in shock.
Rei Ayanami is slowly strolling towards them. As she closes in, the glow surrounding her became brighter and brighter, until it is as bright as a new sun.
Rei steps steps onto the shore, stopping a short distance from the couple. Slowly the light surrounding her dims, until the moon's soft glow once again rules the night. As she looks over the two, Shinji gazes back at her in wonder. "You really are God now, aren't you?" Asuka asks in a whisper, just barely able to overcome her own awe.
Rei just stands there and nods ever so slightly, no words escaping her mouth.
"But how? I thought that this world was my creation, my dream. Why would I make you God here?" Shinji wondered out loud.
"I am the vessel of souls. And this world world is the result of your decision to not be one with me, but to have a world of your own. By your choice, you chose to stay here in this world and to make it your reality. Reality is – in fact – your dream."
Sweeping her arm around slowly, Rei continues. This is the result of all that has happened. All of mankind, other than you two, are now as one. They have returned to a state of beginning."
Shinji and Asuka stand there, absorbing all Rei is saying. "But, if you have their souls, where are all the bodies?" Shinji asks, he face revealing his confusion.
Rei points towards the sea. "So it started, So, they have returned."
Feeling even more confused, Asuka and Shinji looked at one another. "I – don't understand," Asuka states.
"Listen and you will," Rei speaks enigmatically.
Shinji and Asuka look out over the sea, listening for any signs of humanity. "All I can hear are the waves," Asuka says after a short time passed.
"Listen not with these," Rei says while pointing at Shinji's ears, "but with this." Rei places her other hand over Asuka's heart.
For a time, the couple stand there, trying to make sense of Rei's statement. Then they turned towards the red water again. The moments stretch out until it feels that time itself had all but stopped.
"Mein Gott," Asuka spoke, her voice betraying her shock.
And Shinji justs stood there, as the trio felt the voices of all mankind.
After a time, Shinji and Asuka finally break free of the spell that the conversation was weaving over them. "Rei, I'm sorry. I-" Shinji stammers out. Asuka, her head turned away, was crying softly to herself over lost friends and those who had been like family to her. Now, she would never be able to tell them how she really felt, or make up for how she treated them
"- never wanted the world to be like this. I wish I could just go back to the -"
Rei interrupts him. "Why? Do you want to go back to all the pain and sorrow you felt before? Do you want to go back and face death? Do you want to go back and never feel wanted?"
Shinji just stands there, head hanging. Then something inside of him exploded, giving him the courage to speak. "To be alone may escape one pain, but this creates an even greater pain."
Rei stands there for a moment, apparently absorbing Shinji's words. Then she turns to Asuka and asks, "And you, How do you truly feel?"
Asuka raises her head, her face wet with tears. "This world is too lonely. I just could not bear to live here for the rest of my life in such a place."
Rei stands gazing at the two as they held one another close. Then, she slowly turns and heads back into the sea.
"So be it. Judgment is passed and all shall be as it once was. Mankind must discover for itself what it truly wants."
As Rei enters the water, Shinji calls out, "Are you happy being a god?"
Rei stops. The red water of the sea lap around her as she stands in silence. Then she faces them, smiling.
In disbelief, the couple stare back. Rei – smiling? Shinji had only seen Rei smile one time, and that smile paled in comparison to what he was witnessing now.
"I only wanted to do what was right. Now, I can."
Then, Rei returns to her journey into the sea. Slowly, she disappears beneath the waves as Shinji and Asuka watch in amazement. After she vanishes from view, Asuka looks at Shinji. "DO you really think she can change this?"
"Yes, I think she will," Shinji responds after some thought as he gazed out at the spot Rei had vanished under the waves. Then Shinji tensed, but relaxes almost immediately. He reaches over and pulls Asuka close to him, their faces almost touching. Looking into her eyes, he speaks. "Asuka, I don't know if we will remember this, but I could never forgive myself if I don't say it now."
"What's that Shinji?" Asuka whispers, the moonlight reflecting off her eyes.
With a voice born of determination, Shinji spoke the words that he had held back on for so long.
"Asuka, I lo-"
And the world changed.
Rei sits on the edge of the world, her ethereal form dwarfing all around it. Slowly at first, then with an ever quickening pace, the world begins to change, reverting back to its form prior to the Third Impact. Once satisfied, her ghostly head nodded. Then, she reaches down and opens her womb. Souls begin to stream out of her body, racing away to restart their existence on the Earth. Finally, as the last of the souls escape, she closes herself back up. Opening her left hand, she begins to examine the two souls that were contained within.
Amazing, she thinks, that these two simple souls are the saviors of mankind. And furthermore, these two were so tightly linked to each other. It was almost as if they were meant to be together. Knowing that these two had avoided the great merging of Third Impact, some memory of what has occurred would remain within them, even if their physical bodies failed to remember. With that afterthought, she releases them and watches as the race off together, almost in a dance.
Over the horizon, a new day begins as the sun peeps up. It was as if Rei the God had never existed as her form ceases to be.
And somewhere in the universe, the old god relished his regained power.