Glee - A Season Three Sneak Peek

(The McKinley High Glee Club are spending the summer in the choir room practicing an overly ambitious and financially unviable dance routine set to Lady Gaga. There's a loud crash.)

KURT: Finn! Can't you at least try to be as naturally fabulous as I am? You nearly knocked over that lovely decorative house plant.

FINN: Guys, that's Quinn.

QUINN: Look at my beautiful face.

RACHEL: Where's Puck? I need to berate him at length in a manner that's totally unfitting for the 16 year old high school student that I'm supposed to be.

TINA: The nursing home wouldn't give him day release. Ever since he turned 85 they've been really strict about his contracted working hours.

KURT: That's the longest line you've ever had.

RACHEL: I'll have them edit it out in post-production. Or else just get her unofficially written out like that guy with the mouth.

MERCEDES: Guuuurl.

QUINN: My face.

(MR SCHUESTER enters the choir room looking pensive. As it's summer, he's dressed casually: his hair is in rollers. He has an orang-utan with him.)

MR SCHUE: Mr Schue in the house, bad news.

SANTANA: What's up with the monkey?

FINN: Santana, why are you talking all weird?

SANTANA: Sorry. I mean: whys youse gettings your chimps on, Mr Schue?

MR SCHUE: That's no way to talk about Miss Pillsbury.

KURT: I guess she's still filming The Smurfs.

QUINN: If you'd all just look at my wonderful face, it'd distract from this gaping plot hole.

MR SCHUE: First off, fuck yo' bitch and the click you claim.

RACHEL: It's happening again.

KURT: Make it stop.

BRITTANY: I'm an idiot.

MR SCHUE: You know how I got hoes in different area codes, right?

SANTANA: Unfortunately, we all remember how you subjected us to your highly inappropriate shows of sexual activity in the presence of minors.

(The Glee Club give SANTANA a strange look.)

SANTANA: Just pluralize everything I've just said.

MR SCHUE: Well, one of them was Miss Holliday and she just died of gonorrhoea.

FINN: Who?

MR SCHUE: Your favourite sex-ed teacher, Holly Holliday.

RACHEL: I find it hard to believe that a real person would have such a stupid name.

KURT: He means Paltrow.

MR SCHUE: I always thought Paltry Paltrow would have been better.

SANTANA: Why? Because this show's so ridiculous we have to have people named Finn and Quinn, Kurt and Burt, Bryan Ryan and two Asians both named Chang?

KURT: The Chang thing's not stupid or racist. It's just common sense, right?

MERCEDES: Guuuurl, you know that!

(She triple snaps.)

RACHEL: See? No stereotypes here at all. Move along. Back to me and my overly competitive Jewish nature yet stunning money-spinning talent.

KURT: Or to me and my inability to do anything low key or mundane because I'm just so gay.

QUINN: Back to my amazing face.

TINA: Back to the masses of background characters who never get a storyline.

RACHEL: Yeah right, Asian Asian.

BRITTANY: Something moronic.

FINN: Can we just agree that we all learned not to be trash bag hoes like Miss Holliday? Guys, I'm 37. I want a break from playing a high schooler between now and the Glee Live tour I'm contractually obliged to take part in.

SANTANA: Well, I didn't learn anything. I'm a lesbian and this shit is irrelevant to me.

BRITTANY: Me too, depending on how fan pressure sways my sexual preferences next season.

TINA: And as if there's ever going to be a storyline about me and that Dancing Asian banging.

QUINN: Also, my hair.

KURT: The sexual journey between me and my boyfriend is going to be dragged out for at least five seasons both to placate the network and whip the 13 year old straight girls who love us into a wild frenzy.

(KURT's boyfriend BLAINE enters. The room, that is. This isn't season 8. He's wearing an overly tight school uniform. The entire Glee Club are torn between wanting to kiss him and wanting to punch him in the face.)

SANTANA: Why is he wearing the uniform when it's supposed to be summer?

KURT: Costume department blew the budget on Agron.

BLAINE: Courage.

RACHEL: Why aren't we talking about me?

MR SCHUE: Uh, guys? Maybe we should rap it out.

RACHEL: Shut it, Morrison. You're not the star here.

KURT: Come on, Rachel. Cut them some slack. We're the only two that are going to get work after this crap fest gets cancelled, despite the fact your face looks like the final resting place for Concorde and I sing like Mariah Carey after she's been kicked in the balls.

RACHEL: Fuck that shit. I'm Lea Michele. It's in my contract that we talk about either my nose or my voice every twelve seconds.

(She storms out.)

QUINN: My face though.

BRITTANY: Derrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

KURT: It's just so hard for me here in high school, just like it was for Ryan Murphy.

LAUREN ZIZES: Wait, am I even in the next season?

SANTANA: Who the hell knows?

ARTIE: Hold up. Did you forget to write me in?

JANE LYNCH: Give me my Emmy and get me the fuck off this sinking ship.

THE END