"He's taken to moping around like a wounded bear." said Gwaine taking a swig of bear.
"He just needs time, that's all." Morgana said, "Not that you'd know. You're about as sensitive as a rock."
"Oi!" Gwaine shouted as Percy, Leon, and Merlin nodded in agreement.
"Personally," Morgana said trying to get back on the subject at hand, "I don't think we can do anything but try and understand what he's been through."
"Gwen and I were childhood friends," Leon said looking down at the pub counter, "She was a lovely girl. She and I weren't even close when she passed, and the thought of her dying in an auto-crash is unbearable. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be."
"Try to live with him," Merlin said distantly, "He's always so cheery on the outside, but there are times of weakness that let you know it's all an act. The whole thing is... is just... terrible."
Everyone offered Merlin a sympathetic glance and Percy started, "It's only been four months. Give it time. Arthur is a strong man, he'll learn to cope."
"I know. It's just hard to see him struggle like that,"
000
Merlin Emrys opened the door to his flat finding it to dark except for the old television playing the news. There was a man speaking with the picture of the Prime Minister in the left corner. But the newsman's words were washed out by the convulsive sobs of Arthur, who was sitting on the couch wrapped in a red blanket.
He looked up at the sound of the door closing, his face swollen and red, eyes bloodshot. Merlin stood there looking at Arthur's abnormally pitiful state saying nothing as his tired eyes took to a shade of understanding. Merlin slipped off his boots, and hung up his coat never taking his worried gaze off Arthur whose eyes had glazed over and become vacant.
Merlin walked over to the couch and took a seat next to Arthur who looked at him for a moment before bursting into tears and burying his face into Merlin's shoulder. Merlin wrapped his arm around Arthur in an attempt to be of comfort. He didn't say things like she's in a better place now or it's all in God's plan because he knew for himself that that sort of thing never helped. Arthur knew all of it. He just needed to cry. It was a part of moving on.
Tears silently streamed down Merlin's face as he tried to block out the painful noise of Arthur's crying. He stared at the wood flooring as the television cast colored dancing light over it.
Arthur smelled strongly of alcohol, and Merlin noticed the multiple glass bottles strewn about the coffee table. After a long while, when Merlin's shoulder was soaked and his neck was slick with tears, Arthur's cries subsided.
"Merlin?" Arthur sniffed as he reluctantly took his head off Merlin's shoulder.
"Mm?" Merlin looked at Arthur, whose eyes were like that of a little boy who'd lost his mother in a shopping center.
"A huge part of me feels really guilty for never telling Gwen that I've always loved you more." His words came stumbling out slurred and innocent.
Merlin's eyes widened, "What?" he asked. It came out in a thin gasp that was barely audible.
"I- I've always loved you- wanted you- more than her."
Merlin swallowed trying not to take the words seriously due to Arthur's terrible state, but the words that fell out of his mouth were the one's Merlin had secretly desired to hear for the longest time, "You need to go to bed and get some rest, Arthur." He said still trying to brush off the statement.
000
Arthur woke at the sound of his phone's alarm playing the chorus of "You're The Voice" by John Farnham. The pounding in his head became nearly overwhelming as he sat up in his bed. He reached over and dismissed the alarm, reluctantly pulling away the sheets and stumbling out of bed and into the shower. When it came time to get out of the shower, he realized he'd forgotten to grab a clean towel out of the hallway closet.
"Merlin! Will you grab me a towel?" He yelled from the bathroom.
There was a clattering in the kitchen where Merlin was presumably cooking something for breakfast, and then a moment after the sound of the closet door opening and shutting. Merlin knocked on the bathroom door, and Arthur opened it just enough to poke his head and arm out to grab the towel.
"I'm not your servant, you know." Merlin said bitterly, though his face was smiling, "I've made some pancakes for you too. They're sitting on the counter."
"Thanks Em." Arthur said a bit sheepishly as he closed the door.
In a few minutes, Arthur was shaved and as refreshed as a hungover man could possibly be, shoveling pancakes into his mouth as Merlin washed his dishes.
"How's the writing coming along?" Arthur asked between bites.
"It's been going pretty well, though I'm a bit stuck right now." Merlin said putting his plate into the cabinet.
"Can I be of any help?" Arthur asked bringing his dishes to the sink.
"Erm, no, but I've got a question for you."
"What is it?" Arthur asked now looking at Merlin inquisitively.
"Well, I was wondering, if you remember what you said last night." He said, his voice almost shaky.
Arthur mind flitted through all of his recent memories trying to recall what had occurred, "I don't think so. Was it nasty?" Arthur looked concerned now.
"No, I was just wondering." Merlin said with strained nonchalance.
"Well, as long as it wasn't bad or anything."
"Believe me, it wasn't." Merlin whispered under his breath, so quietly, Arthur questioned whether he'd actually heard it or if it was in his head.
There was a horrific nagging feeling, as Arthur feverishly tried to grope through the fog of his memory. There was a sure feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was nearly sure now that he knew what he'd said, but there was still that doubt. He couldn't find the guts to say anything in the case that he might be wrong.
Suddenly, it felt as if there was so little space between them, and it would be so disdainfully simple just to lean in and kiss him, let him know that he'd meant what he'd said. And all the words that he might've said ran from him, leaving him blank.
In an instant, Arthur's lips had somehow landed on Merlin's, and Merlin hadn't stopped him. The strength of their bond seemed to be expressed in that moment, and an image of Gwen darted about the corner of Arthur's mind. That was when Arthur tore away before the short kiss could become anything more, looking Merlin helplessly in the eye before turning so Merlin faced his back.
"I'm sorry." he croaked as he walked out of the kitchen, his mind feverishly turning. Burning with ardent thoughts. He got what he needed for his day at the studio, and was off.
000
Merlin could still taste Arthur's lips. It was the only thing that could convince him the entire thing had actually happened. It was all a blurry haze, and he couldn't set his thoughts straight. Or for that matter, breathe properly.Arthur probably hated himself for kissing him. But, if he'd done it, he must have wanted to. But then, why did he say sorry if he didn't regret his actions?He tried not the think about it as he opened his Mac book to try and get some writing done, but instead he found himself looking through all of his old documents, finding countless long forgotten poems he'd written about Arthur.
Thewillof the
Wanted
Screams in my ear.
Shoves me towards fait.
Needing me to be the
Unthinkable.
Resist all I might,
I find myself
Falling over
The edge.
The wind whirs
In my ears
And the colors
Rush by in a
Fantastic blur.
All I can hope,
Is that there
Will be someone
At the bottom
To catch me.
Merlin remembered falling for Arthur. He was in such a terrible place then. Drugs and alcohol were his only friends, and he'd lived on the streets. Then Arthur took him in and let him see the light of the world around him; showed him that there was brilliance to be found in the unlikeliest of places. It was now Merlin's turn to return the favor.
000
"You what?!" Morgana screamed for the entire coffee shop to hear. Everyone's head turned towards them as if they were now involved in the conversation.
Arthur leaned forward over the table and whispered through gritted teeth, "You heard me."
She gave him a sly smile in response, "So you kissed a boy... Did you like it?"
Arthur felt his face get hot. How could he deny something if his face told the truth anyway? "Well, in my defense, he obviously liked it too."
"So what are you going to do about this whole mess then? You can't just go about like it never happened. God knows that's exactly what you were planning, too."
"It's just a fucking mess right now. I don't want to betray Gw-"
"Gwen would want you to be happy, Arthur. Don't you dare tell me otherwise. I knew her too, and you can't tell me that she wanted you to hold back something like this for her sake," Morgana half snarled somehow managing to sprinkle on sympathy.
Arthur raked his fingers through his hair leaving it mussed as he slowly forgot to blanket the tiredness in his eyes, "I'd spent years trying to convince myself that a life with her was the one I wanted. We could have been happy. But now, I don't know anymore."
"I think you do know, Arthur. You just need to take your head out of your arse and look around." With that, she took her cappuccino and muffin from the table and began to saunter towards the door.
"Morgana, wait," he said wearily getting out of the booth.
She turned around on her heal giving him a sharp look, "What?" she hissed.
"You're right. I'm sorry."
"That's a good little brother. Now, let's get back to the studio. I've got an appointment set up for 1:45."
000
Merlin's ears perked at the sound of a knock at the door. He closed the Mac and jumped up from the couch to open it. Standing in the doorway, was Mithian. She'd had a short relationship with Arthur before he'd met Gwen, but after being together, they found that they were meant to be friends rather than a couple.
"Hello, Merlin." She chirped with a sweet smile
"Hello," Merlin smiled, "Come in."
She walked in obediently taking a seat at an armchair.
"Sorry that it's a bit messy." Merlin said nearly flighty as he settled on the couch.
"Oh, it's fine Merlin," Mithian said reassuringly, "I know I stopped by without notice, but I was in town and I wanted to see you and Arthur, to know that the two of you were alright."
"I'm fine. It's Arthur I'm concerned about. He hasn't been taking it very well."
"I'm sorry, Merlin. I know how much you care for him. He cares quite a great deal for you too, you know. In fact, when we separated, I thought he'd get with you."
"Really?" Merlin asked.
"He talked of you all the time with this sort of ring in his voice that I've never heard in anyone."
"We were together, once..." Merlin said, the memories surfacing, "But I wasn't ready for someone like him at the time. He deserved to have me in a better state than I was in then."
"Oh," she whispered, "Well, do you think you're ready for him now?"
"Maybe."
000
Merlin heard the door open and close at 7:00 pm -an hour later than usual.
"Food's on the counter!" Merlin shouted from his bedroom.
"Thanks!" Arthur yelled in reply as he stepped into the kitchen to see some Chinese takeout (one of Arthur's favorites). He grabbed a pair of chopsticks and took the box with him, taking a large bite as he leaned on Merlin's doorway, "How much do you want back?" Arthur asked not looking up from the sustenance before him.
"It's on the house tonight." Merlin said looking up from his Mac-book for a moment, throwing a large grin on his face.
Arthur looked up, meeting his gaze, holding it there for a long while until he couldn't stand the heat of the moment any longer and tore his eyes away, looking back down at the nearly empty box in his hands.
"Want to watch Doctor Who for a bit? Liven up this lovely Friday night?" Merlin said closing his Mac and shoving it under the bed.
"How can I say no to Doctor Who?" Arthur replied moving out of the doorway to dispose of the box and his chopsticks.
Arthur walked into the living room with two fortune cookies to find Merlin already putting in the DVD. Arthur and Merlin settled on opposite sides of the couch before Arthur handed Merlin his fortune cookie.
"You will restore balance to the universe." Merlin read aloud skeptically.
"What does that even mean?" Arthur asked with a confused laugh.
"I have no idea."
"Well mine is twice as amazing. It says Merlin is an idiot. They are so specific these days."
"It does not say that!" Merlin said ripping the strip of paper out of his hand and reading it for himself, "This is some idiotic metaphor about a koy pond that doesn't even make sense."
Arthur simply laughed, "Must've read it wrong."
All of the sudden, the two of them were constrictingly close, the air from their lungs washed away, and all they could do was stare at each other. As though the person before them was just something too intoxicatingly wonderful to have. Perhaps it was too wonderful to have, but that didn't stop Merlin's heart. He lurched slowly forward, for he knew that it was in every sense wrong, and that he could be on the very brink of rejection. But, when Arthur jumped forward closing the gap between them with a soft, yet solid and hungry meeting of lips, all of his worries disintegrated. Soon, Merlin was practically in Arthur's lap, as their tongues explored each others' mouths.
Merlin surged with Arthur's very essence. The feeling of it was almost scary, but at the same time fulfilling and pure. More pure, more beautiful than anything Merlin had ever felt. He wanted the feeling to last. He wanted to sew it on his heart and never let it leave his grasp. Merlin began kissing Arthur's jaw and neck, attempting to restrain himself from taking it too far. Arthur's hand went up Merlin's shirt, and any restrain Merlin had jumped out the window without so much as a warning.
"Arthur?" Merlin gasped almost pleading.
"Please. Please, Merlin, just- just keep going." Arthur breathed tugging Merlin's shirt over his head.
Merlin and Arthur stumbled their way to Arthur's room -the closer of the two from the living room- leaving a trail of clothing behind them. Merlin ground up against Arthur's thigh through his briefs -the only piece of clothing either of them still had on- trying to relieve himself. Both of them let out half strangled noises between their kissing.
"Merlin," He breathed, "T- take it off. I want to see you."
"Are you sure? Is this too fast?"Merlin said, his voice dangerously husky as his gaze raked down Arthur's body and rested on the bulge that was set at the junction of his legs.
There was a flash of something on the verge of regret in Arthur's eyes. He closed his eyes for a moment, before opening them and shaking his head with certainty, "No Merlin, it's not too fast. I- I want this."
Merlin bit his lip and never took his eyes off him taking off his last piece of clothing as he hurriedly pulled off his own. Arthur's breath staggered and his Adam's apple jumped. Merlin found himself all the more stirred. It was all an insane jumble after that. And the next thing Merlin knew, they were lying together on Arthur's bed in a sweaty mess of limbs trembling, reveling in the glory of that moment.
000
Arthur woke, the smell of sex still clinging to the air, and a cold, empty space beside him. He got out of bed, pulling his briefs on before staggering into the living room to find Merlin washed, dressed, and diligently working on his Mac-book.
Merlin looked up at Arthur with a half smile, "Good morning- er afternoon, I should say."
A sudden wave of overwhelming guilt hit him just then as Merlin's eyes emanated with that look of caring and tenderness. The thoughts screamed at him, pounding at his mind. Gwen and her lovely smile seemed to overthrow anything he'd been thinking of. Every laugh, sob, witty remark, and word of comfort rung through his ears with brutal rage that made him sway dizzily on his feet. There was too much. Too much.
"Arthur?" Merlin asked his voice brimming with concern. Though, his voice was far-away, and got lost in Arthur's thoughts, "Arthur!" Merlin said more urgently as Arthur's knees buckled beneath him.
Merlin sat with Arthur, an arm around his shoulder, attempting to give silent comfort. They sat in silence for a long while as Arthur swam around in his thoughts. It felt like trying to sort the stars. There were so many scattered everywhere, being innocently untouchable.
"Em," Arthur whispered over the lump in his throat, "I'm so sorry."
"You've got nothing to apologize for. Everyone's got baggage." Merlin replied reassuringly.
"I can't- I'm not ready for all of this. Not yet." Arthur choked.
"Well, I'll still be here when you are ready. You can't shake me, not that easily." Merlin said hugging Arthur closer.
Arthur knew the words he spoke would hold true, and for that Arthur was profoundly grateful. Merlin was more than he'd ever wanted or felt he deserved.
"Thank you," Arthur breathed.
A long while of companionable silence danced around the air. Then, Merlin broke the quiet, "Gwaine, Mithian, Leon, and Morgana were wondering if we wanted to go to the cinema and maybe stop somewhere for dinner tonight. I said I'd get back to them once I'd asked you."
"Sounds brilliant." said Arthur, faint resilience rippling through his voice as he slowly got up from the floor.
000
The six friends walked into the Italian diner that was known for quality food. Morgana cast glances of inquiry toward Merlin and Arthur the entire time in the restaurant that were never truly answered. Well, not then and there anyway. Merlin and Arthur had kept a comfortable distance, and they both pretended to smile and laugh. Merlin even had the grace to throw out a sarcastic remark.
It almost felt normal again. Almost. Merlin hated it. He'd wished he hadn't rushed into things last night. He should have known enough to stop even when Arthur had said that it was what he wanted. It was too soon. He knew he that Arthur had already forgiven him for anything he'd done, but Merlin had yet to forgive himself. He never meant to hurt Arthur, but his feelings had gotten in the way. Arthur saw straight through the smoke and mirrors of Merlin's charade and gave him a look that said you're only human. Merlin had given him a half smile that rung with the words I know. It was an incredible understanding that they shared with each other. Both of them knew that they needed time, and were perfectly willing to wait it out and scale their mountains because they knew the view from the top would be a brilliant one.
All I can hope,
Is that there
Will be someone
At the bottom
To catch me.