AN: Written as an English class assignment. Teacher liked it; a friend took one look at it and said That's a lot of dashes. ::laugh:: Which I suppose it is. Still, it seemed appropriate at the time...
Apologies
Dawn rose, and, cloudlike, cast a harsh gray light over the island.
claws teeth run run run—beast behind me—run run run—eyes gleaming blackly against blacker darkness—run—teeth claws—where's my spear—humped shape—run running—who runs? me or it—me and it—teeth claws—no teeth, can't bite, can't fight back—knife, knife, need knife—run run run—dark—no fire—must light fire—can't light fire—why light fire?—beast behind, chivvy chivvy on—always behind—run run run—same pace same path same life—beast follows—always follows—always there—can't hide, can only run—run run run—hunt fight kill? no, hunted fought—killed?—killed?—dead on this island—light the fire—he won't—all his big speeches—coward!—coward...—run run from fear—all at my back—knife gone spear gone—nothing left but running—eyes big black eyes in darkness—hump like rock—rock rolling behind—can't beat it—what is it again—grav—gravit—grav—oh who cares—run running run—thorns—teeth claws claws teeth—
Jack stirred on a beach—it was colorless in the color-draining sun.
run claws teeth—what!—what!—no beast—no dark—now light—dream—just a dream—dream—was all a dream—dream—nightmare—like a littlun—like a stupid littlun—scared of a dream—go crying to mommy now Jack—mommy?—mommy?—who's mommy—where am I—who is mommy?—what is mommy?—go running to her—to whoever—like a littlun—only littluns run—you stay you fight—only littluns run—stupid little things—stupid littluns run—only stupids run—stupids like Ralph—he can't lead—good to lead the littluns—runs like them—scared of everything—who's scared of the beast—humped rocks—big black eyes—eyes—eyes big black eyes—swallow you up—run—don't run!—that's for littluns—and Ralph—and Piggy—run run—lead the runners—leave the fighters—who leads fighters then? you?—me...—Jack the chief—nice ring to that—
He sat up and turned his head, apparently hearing the agitated conversation between Ralph and Piggy.
Fools them—like the beast doesn't exist—but I tell you there isn't a beastie!—hah! little he knows—and now he even admits it—nice safe world, Ralph, nice safe island—hah to that—nothing's safe—no one hides from the beast—not me not you—it's there, it bites it kills—won't kill me though—I'll stand I'll fight—it only runs if you run from it maybe—maybe if we—maybe if we—well whatever just don't run—
Jack knelt and began to trace an idle pattern on the sandy beach. It formed an oddly spiralling mandala.
The idiots—talk talk talk just talk—like talking'll ever make our problems go away—hah! like you can ever beat the beast in a debate—just imagine—a debate on the beast's existence—arguing against, Ralph and Piggy, arguing for, the Beast itself—like to see that debate—nice strong speech by Ralph—but I tell you there isn't a beastie!—then comes the beast's rebuttal—eating him—hah!—
D'you think we're safe down here?
That's Piggy—that's Piggy through and through—so smart—so —no, moron, of course we're not safe here—not safe here not safe anywhere—
How the hell should I know?
No—no—you should know, Ralph—no—it's a no—no—never safe—not from the first day—littluns saw it—stupid little littluns—and we refused to see—now we see—now we've seen the beast—littluns can be right sometimes—you should have seen that—so like a littlun yourself—maybe you can be right too? No—he's not right—or he is maybe?—oh who cares—
Ralph turned and walked the short distance between him and Jack.
So now you come to me—why?—you never listened before—even when I was right—even when I had things to say—now I've nothing to say—it's too late Ralph—I knew things once—now all I know's the beast—terrible white claws—blood dripping from that horrid whiteness—hunt hunt hunt—catch the beast maybe—no, don't—it'll kill you—but hunt—the beast likes those like itself maybe hunt for it—maybe if you leave something it'll eat that instead—or maybe not—maybe just run—but you won't listen either way—
Are you sure? Really?
Yes, that's Piggy for you—always questioning—there are some things that are just true—some things you don't need to question–and the beast exists—Ralph knows that now—just as I know it—it's there—even Piggy should accept that fact—
Go up and see. And good riddance.
There's your answer, Piggy—make your own answer—what will you make of it—it's there, the beast—perfectly ready to have an answer made of it—of course if you go up there you'll have to be ready—make an answer out of the beast and it may make a meal out of you—but we won't miss you Piggy—we won't miss your questions—why question reality?—just accept it, that you have to kill to survive—that you have to run—that you have to live with the beast—
No fear.
And that said by you, Piggy—the most fearful of us all—hah! hypocrite for all your fancy words and specs and asthma—
The beast had teeth and big black eyes. Ralph shuddered.
Yes, go and state the obvious Ralph—or is this for Piggy's benefit again?—everything's for Piggy—everything—not for us—
Piggy polished his one glass lens. What are we going to do?
Well what can we do? nothing really—stay here—hunt nearby—stay away from the mountain—and the beast—and those big black eyes—
Ralph turned to face the meeting platform and pushed back his hair. I don't know.
Join the club—no one knows—but you don't ask—maybe someone does—why don't you ask? call a stupid meeting—let us talk talk talk—talk talk nothing'll get done but oh well—that's not the point is it?—no point to anything, no meaning—no meeting—nothing—nothing ever gets done here—just sit and talk in little twos—not even running—such a terrible leader—run run—run from here Jack—this is where the beast will come—
I don't think we'd ever fight a thing that size, honestly, you know. We'd talk but we wouldn't fight a tiger. We'd hide. Even Jack 'ud hide.
Who do you think you are? You're not me—how dare you say that—maybe it's true—maybe I did run—but don't insult me—I don't insult you—maybe that's different now—we used to be friends—why aren't we anymore—it's all your fault Ralph—you're such an idiot—and Piggy is too—for all he seems smart—and you have no right—don't insult me—I hate you now—don't insult me—you coward—don't call me one—
What about my hunters?
What about me?
As long as there's light we're brave enough. But then? And now that thing squats by the fire as though it didn't want us to be rescued— Ralph twisted his hands.
Answer my question!—can't you tell me—can't you apologize—oh sure you just retracted that comment—somewhat—but apologize!—just an I'm sorry—just a sorry—that's enough—don't just plow on like my feelings don't matter—you're acting like I don't matter—answer my question—don't talk over me—
What about my hunters?
Answer me—apologize—answer me—
Boys armed with sticks.
What!—what?—no right—maybe it's true—but—apologize—but—I hate you—insult me—no right—why'd he say it?—we were friends—but no friend says that—why—no right—no right to say that—apologize—it's only fair—only right—oh who cares about fair about right—but he should still—he should—oh just apologize—you—how dare you—how to hurt you—you deserve it—apologize—you had no right—
Jack marched toward the platform.
I'll call a meeting—you won't—see all the people come to my call now, Ralph—you're not the one with power after all—doesn't that hurt?—Now maybe you see—don't insult my hunters—don't insult me—you have no right—just ignore me—listen to Piggy instead—always Piggy—Piggy the perfect—when I got you meat—when I explored the island—and you always go to Piggy—who does nothing—
Reaching it, he picked up the conch.
Funny, it's like I'm seeing this for the first time—what is it about it?—I can see why Ralph and Piggy value it so much—
Raising it to his lips, he blew. A pale breathy sound came out.
Hunh—harder to wield this power than I thought—
Then its noise became fuller, and began to summon the others.
Ah! That's it—now you'll see—now, Ralph, I lead—hah! like this—watch all your precious power dribble away—where'd it go?—perhaps the beast ate it—hah—maybe if you'd bothered to ask others—maybe if you let this happen more—maybe it wouldn't have to happen now—maybe we'd still be friends—but you insulted me—friends don't insult each other—
Ralph and Piggy came to the platform, slightly apart.
Ah, so the famous two are separate now. Serves them right—
came Ralph's bitter voice, talk, talk, talk.
And maybe he's on my side now? Too late then—too late—but maybe—Piggy's wrong—maybe he's realized that—maybe—oh, if he'd just apologize—then everything might come right—but he insulted me—maybe—if maybe—maybe—if he'd just apologize—I could let him lead again—and I'd be in charge of the hunters—no, we'd both lead together—like it was in the beginning–before the beast came—the beast ruined everything—with its big black eyes and gleaming white teeth—
Taking the conch from Jack, Ralph said, This meeting—
No! My meeting—my conch—my power—you're always grabbing—give for once—let me lead—then maybe I could follow—of, just apologize—
Then Jack made a grabbing motion in the conch's direction. I called it.
And recognize that, Ralph—maybe we can do this together—just leave Piggy—he's deadweight—quit talking—let me hunt—let me help lead—I could do so much—just let me—just let me—just apologize—you're a coward—just apologize—don't call me a coward—you ran—too—
If you hadn't called it I should have. You just blew the conch.
Just blew the conch?—Just?—I did more than that—they came to me—I called them—
Well, isn't that calling it?
Let me—if you won't apologize—at least let me do this—
Oh, take it! Go on—talk! Ralph thrust the conch at Jack's now-less-willing hands.
And you can't even give it in friendship—or because it's fair—you only give power if it suits you—or if you're shamed into it—and you won't apologize—I know you won't—ever—
I've called an assembly because of a lot of things.
Because Ralph—
First, you know now, we've seen the beast. We crawled up. We were only a few feet away. The beast sat up and looked at us. I don't know what it does. We don't even know what it is—
We just know what it does—kill—hunt—tear—with big black eyes—and teeth—white—bone-white—like our bones—and dripping with blood—
Then came the babble of the crowd. The beast comes out of the sea—
No—out of the forest—
Out of the dark—
Yes—and it's darker than—darker than the dark it comes from—big black eyes gleaming—
And the trees help it—hold us back—ripping with thorns—just like teeth—and claws—but green instead of white—
Quiet! You, listen. The beast is sitting up there, whatever it is— Jack yelled above the crowd.
And I hope it stays up there—don't come down here—not with your claws—and your teeth—and those big black eyes gleaming in the dark—and that humped shape—lumbering like a rock—can't escape—don't come—let us escape—
But they burst into frenzied half-sentences again. Perhaps's it's waiting—
Let it wait—that's better than it coming—let it wait—
No not hunting—please not—but it is—please not—let it wait—but it is—it's hunting—
Yes, hunting.
Yes, hunting—
And Jack once more spoke above the crowd. Hunting. Yes. The beast is a hunter.
Though I wish it wasn't—oh I wish—and there they go talking again—
Only—shut up! The next thing is that we couldn't kill it.
We had to run—run—from its big black eyes—and its claws and teeth—though if Ralph hadn't run—oh quit fooling yourself Jack—we ran—coward—cowards both—cowards all three—but Ralph said I was a coward—when he was twice as cowardly himself—
And the next is that Ralph said my hunters are no good.
And he shouldn't have—had no right—no right—he hurt me—now how does he feel—I have power—he doesn't—I'm the leader—he's not—always grabbing power—how does it feel to have power grabbed away—
I never said that.
Liar—you did—maybe you don't agree anymore—but then why don't you apologize—but you won't apologize—you're just saying that—you hate us—you hate me—you hate my hunters—you won't apologize—
I've got the conch.
It means so much to you—made me respect it—now respect it yourself—respect me—apologize—show me some respect—don't insult me—you have no right—
Ralph thinks you're cowards, running away from the boar and the beast. And that's not all.
Now the truth comes out—can't handle it, Ralph?—too bad—
A dozen, three dozen sighs. Then silence from the boys.
But can I handle it—I'm not sure—Ralph, apologize—it'll be easier on us both—apologize—but you won't—never—never—I have to do this—you insulted me—never insult me—apologize—
He's like Piggy. He says things like Piggy. He's not a proper chief.
And he won't apologize—ever—I wish he would—
Jack clutched at the conch convulsively.
I wish he would—but he won't—I wish he would—
He's a coward himself.
But he calls me one—and never apologizes—never—never—apologize—hurt me—now hurt him—
On top, when Roger and me went on—he stayed back.
He lies about me—now I lie about him—a nice revenge—
I went too!
Now you see how it feels to be lied about—and insulted—well you apologize first—
And at least I tell most of the truth—
I went on too, then I ran away. So did you.
But I went on first—and I didn't run away the first time—I only ran because you did—
Call me a coward then.
It's not like you haven't already—
Ralph remained silent.
Is this his way of apologizing?—no, it can't be—
He's not a hunter.
I am—
He'd never have got us meat.
I did—
He isn't a prefect and we don't know anything about him. He just gives orders and expects people to obey for nothing.
I give them something—I gave them meat—
All this talk—
Ralph never does anything—he just talks—I can do more—I can shut up—
All this talk! Talk, talk! Who wanted it? Who called this meeting?
Me—but for action—you wanted to call it—but you would have just talked—can't you see?—I've done something—I've changed things—in one little speech—more than you ever did—for all your long debates—
All right then.
We'll see what they want—action—or words—me—or you—
All right.
Now we see—
He cradled the conch against his chest and held up one hand, pointing it at the general crowd. Who thinks Ralph oughtn't to be chief?
Now we see—you made me do this—with all your words—and your silence—you never apologized—so I'll take revenge—I'll take power—you don't deserve it—you had no right—no right to insult me—and my hunters—
Silence loomed.
What—I thought—they would support me—not him—not a coward—not a liar—not someone who never apologizes—not him—
Firmer now, Jack repeated, Hands up, whoever wants Ralph not to be chief?
There must be someone—must be—I don't want him—there must be someone else—someone else who sees who Ralph is—he's a liar—and he insults people—and he's a power-grabber—and he never apologizes—and he's a bad chief—all words—no action—I can give you actions—not words—I can give you meat—I have—
Still a heavy silence. Jack's redfaced anger turned to the red of embarrassment, and he turned his head aimlessly to prevent eye contact.
Oh what's the use—they don't want me—they want him—even though he's a bad chief—even though he lies—and insults people—and never apologizes—
How many think— His hands shook.
But what's the use—they won't—they hate me—and I hate them—never ever apologize—hurt them—they've hurt me—
All right then.
That's fine—they hurt me—now I'll hurt them—it's not worth it—this is so stupid—life and death—and in the end it's just a game—play at leadership—play at government—debate debate debate—talk talk talk—never get anything done—I don't want to anymore—I want to hunt—
He laid the conch delicately on the trampled grass.
Stop the game—pause it at least—timeout—I don't want to play anymore—
I'm not going to play any longer. Not with you.
Not going to do this anymore—not going to talk—not going to debate—not going to be insulted—
Now the other boys strove to avoid eye contact.
Maybe they're ashamed now—well they should be—for insulting me—and hurting me—
I'm not going to be a part of Ralph's lot—
He grabs power—and he never apologizes—and he started this whole stupid game—I hate his government—I hate his game—playing at being adult—who wants it—it's so stupid—all that talk talk talk—
I'm going off by myself. He can catch his own pigs. Anyone who wants to hunt when I do can come too.
Not that anyone will—idiots—staying here and playing Ralph's game—talk talk talk—never hunt—how do you get meat?—hunting—not talking—talking never did anything—hunting did—don't talk—don't play—just go—away from this stupid game—
Jack left the triangle, stumbling. The tears in his eyes obscured full vision.
Just run—no—running's for cowards—stand and fight—don't run—don't stand—don't stay—don't stay and be insulted, be belittled—where no one ever apologizes—
yelled Ralph, high and clear.
But—he denied he said it—maybe—maybe he did apologize—just silently—without talking—because talking never did anything—but it could have here—if he'd just apologized—I wouldn't have had to do any of this—none of it would have happened—he'd be leader—I'd be hunter—not such a bad game I guess—
Jack paused a moment.
But he didn't apologize—well now maybe he has—but it's too late—I've set my course—now I have to run it—but he apologized—maybe he can be chief—and me head hunter—a good game—but—
he shrieked.
But he can't be—and neither can I—not here not now—he didn't apologize—and when he did—too late, too late, too late—
He ran away from the platform now, along the colorless beach.
Too late to do anything but run—too late—run from the beast—that's how it separates us—till we're too small to stand and fight—run run—because that's all you can do—because he never apologized—except that he did—and I didn't see it—
Jack's tears darkened its whiteness to gray. So too the gray of the sunlight darkened, though it was not yet night.
All this because I never saw his apology—I'm sorry, Ralph—