A/N: This is only my 2nd RB fic, so please only use constructive criticism. The time frame is not set in stone...anytime after 3x13.
I want to give a huge thank you to my awesome betas (snapple, marap, and Nathy) for their suggestions, edits, and inspiration. You girls rock!
Also, I want to thank the writers of the song I stole a line from. Haha!
I know I took a little creative license in one part of the story, but this is fanfic, so why not? :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.
Lost – that was the simplest description. It was something she had felt her entire life. Andy McNally – a lost little lamb. Sam had permanently labeled her heart as a 'lion's heart', but inside, Andy was silently begging the lion to attack the lamb. She wanted it to pounce – to end a fearful life and feed a desperate hunger. The problem was that the lion had not been born out of a pride; it was more of an orphan. The mother had been taken away, the father had been caught in a trap, and siblings were another story. There had been an independence gained, though, from the trek alone. Now, the task was to teach the lion how to hunt – to do whatever needed to be done to feed the hunger.
"Sam, I can't do this anymore," Andy stated, with a familiar look of fear and hesitation in her eyes.
Sam tried to remain calm, knowing he had to be open if he was going to get through to her. "You're wrong, you can, we can. When things went south, I left. I was the one who ran, and you'll never know how much I hate myself for what I did. I was in a bad place, after Jerry… but you stayed anyway. It's time for me to do the same." He paused momentarily and let out a breath. "I failed you, Andy, and I won't let that happen again."
Andy refused to let herself fall into what she felt was another trap that would leave her with an irreparable broken heart. She shook her head in frustration. "You don't get it, Sam. Being a cop makes it ten times more likely you're gonna lose someone close. If something else happens, you can't assure me that you won't leave again. Believe me, Sam, I know how easy it is to choose to run when things get complicated."
But Sam also refused - he refused to let her run. "I know, Andy. But being a cop and being with you has made me realize that no matter what happens, from now on, I'm not willing to sacrifice the time we have to be together just because I don't know how to deal with something."
Sighing, Andy replied. "If you don't find a way to deal with it, this isn't going to work, and you can't change yourself in the snap of a finger."
She knew Sam's seemingly automatic response to dealing with personal issues was to avoid rather than confront. She assumed his close friends debated whether it was that he did not know how to handle things, simply declined to, or was in pure denial. In her eyes, it was a combination of all three. But if their relationship was going to renew itself, he would have to attempt to conquer the problems holding him back. Andy was not blind though; she knew they both had a long way to go in the communication department. However, she had already made attempts – this time, it was his turn.
"You're right, but I promise you, Andy, that I am through with not trying. And I know my promises probably don't mean much to you right now, but I'm asking you to trust me," he paused and looked deep into her troubled eyes. "I can't lose you again, Andy. I won't." Sam spoke the words with more confidence than his voice had ever held.
Recognizing the sincerity in his eyes and voice, Andy tried to hold back her tears as she slowly walked over to him, molding her entire body around his.
"I can't lose you again either," she whispered.
After a few minutes of silent comfort, she pulled back slightly, slid her hands down to his arms, and quietly asked the question that was flashing in her mind like a Hollywood sign. "But, where do we go from here?"
Sam was positive he had no room for error with his next words and decided to play it safe. "For starters, I'm giving you permission to yell at me for however long it takes me to stop acting like an idiot." He added a small, but knowing smile to his words.
And it paid off.
Without any wait, her fire returned. "Since when do I need permission to yell at you?" Andy asked with a hint of sarcasm; after all, she could not recall a time where she had asked for his permission, period.
Sam raised his eyebrows at her remark, but could not contain the small smirk that managed to escape his lips. He wished his words could escape just as easily; left speechless, Sam decided to concede. "True," he reluctantly confessed. Andy simply smiled in return.
A moment later, her expression turned serious again. "Sam, you and I both know that it's gonna take more than that to get you to stop being so stubborn."
Powerless to hide the blunt truth, Sam wore a closed-lip smile before he continued. "McNally, I don't see how either one of us are ever gonna stop being so stubborn, but we just need to be stubborn about the right things… like being determined to talk about stuff instead of shutting off or shutting each other out."
"You make it sound so simple, but it's not," she refuted.
Sam nodded, unable to deny she was right. "It's gonna be hard, but I'm gonna do everything in my power to make things right again and even better than before." He tried to convey his determination with every single word.
"How?" she questioned.
"I want us to make a commitment, officially." Regardless of his nerves, his heart begged him to tell her.
He wanted her to know that he was ready – in it for the rest of their lives, through thick and thin. Their partnership had always been a strong one – a silent bond, an outspoken loyalty to each other, a magnetic force that captured the hardest of criminals and attracted the most stubborn of hearts, each other's. They were emotionally, and often physically, inseparable. Sam wanted that tie to never break; he wanted to show the world the band he dreamed of seeing on his finger that would symbolize their unity and life-long partnership. He would never stop calling her McNally, but could not wait until the day he could make her a Swarek. He was not oblivious to the fact that marriage would not be a one-step solution for their problems, but there was one thing he was certain of: it would prove to her that she had crumbled his walls, allowing them to now build a bridge between each other, together.
Andy eyes widened. "What exactly are you saying, Sam?"
Treading carefully, he voiced his desires. "I know you're not ready right now, but I'm saying that when you are, I want us to commit to making our partnership a permanent one."
In her heart, it was what Andy had always desired, but how could it last? How could this commitment be preserved through the events most every cop would be forced to deal with? Both of them had run before, so why would now be any different?
Her eyes widened as realization of what Sam implied dawned on her. She shook her head minutely from side to side in astonishment. "Sam," she said in a soft-spoken voice, shocked by his request.
"Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you right now. It's just that I want you to know that when you're ready, all you have to do is just say the word. I'm in this for the long haul, Andy. I'm ready for all of it, the good and bad," he took a deep breath, "as long as I have my partner." His adamant declaration was not only expressed in his voice; it showed through his eyes and affected Andy to her core.
Her frozen body motivated Sam to take the risk he had been craving to take.
He tenderly brushed his open lips slowly across her cheeks, letting the air from his breath create a special kiss of its own. Her senses were invaded with an alluring sensation - Sam. His whispers suddenly filled the room. "Do you feel that? Can you tell me you've felt like this before? Can you tell me your heart has raced this fast before?"
Trying to form words, Andy whispered back. "I can't."
Sam softly questioned her. "Why?" He knew that Andy needed to hear herself say the reason… for the words to halt her constant denial and finally move forward.
"Because I've never felt like this before," she admitted quietly. "Neither have I," Sam spoke with contentment.
With her admission, Sam's patience was rewarded and it was the cue he had been silently waiting for. He cautiously stepped closer and hesitantly placed his lips on hers. She innately responded with the same passion his own kiss exuded.
The next few minutes passed along too quickly for them. When they were forced to extract their lips from one another, Sam continued his quest, aware that he could not afford to miss the opportunity that may officially make her forever his. "I love you." This time it was just them. No bombs. No life or death situations causing heartbeats to accelerate or emotions to explode. It was him, her, and those three words he wanted her to know he meant from the bottom of his heart. No outside circumstances were present this time that would make her second-guess the devotion in his words.
In an occurrence she did not believe was possible, Andy felt her heart simultaneously rocket in speed and stop dead in its tracks. Attempting to compose herself enough to speak, for the second time in the past five minutes, she brought her eyes to meet Sam's, waiting until he was staring right into hers. She wanted him to see how serious she was, how she wasn't going to follow the words up with laughter or let him think she said it just to find relief from finally letting the words come out. She needed to be calm and collected, so he'd know with certainty she meant it from the bottom of her heart. Then she uttered the words again that Sam had longed for her to say since the day she literally turned his world upside down. "I love you, too." Even though it was not the first time she told him, his wish was to hear her say it at a time when he had the courage to also admit it.
After they both recovered from the kiss, Andy decided to take the plunge into the waters she had feared. "Ok."
"Ok?" He asked, trying to remember what she was referring to. The kiss still had his emotions spinning more wildly than the Tilt-A-Whirl.
"Yeah, I'll let you know when I'm ready." She smiled.
"Yeah?" He let out a breath of relief, but was still a little afraid to do his internal happy dance just yet.
Andy laughed lightly at Sam's need for reassurance. "Yes."
"So that's a yes?' He could not resist the chance to tease her.
She should have known that reassuring Sam would have led to his typical teasing. She decided to give him a little dose of his own medicine. "That's a 'yes' for I'll let you know when and a 'maybe' for later."
Seeing the slight panic in his eyes, Andy once again gave him some reassurance. "I'm kidding. When I'm ready, it'll be a 'yes' for later too," she spoke in a gentle tone.
A smile lit up Sam's face brighter than she had ever imagined witnessing. It was enough to rid herself of any last internal hesitation or fear about continuing things with Sam. She was fully aware that he would always be her beacon, guiding her anytime she found herself lost. However, she quickly realized that being lost did not have to have a negative connotation. She understood that if she was lost with Sam, she would be safe. And if being lost with him meant never losing him, then she wanted to stay lost forever.