Okey. I am back,lol. And well I am trying to update all my stories, but I had to take this of my chest before I do that. So yea here it is... But warning and I mean it. This is only for Mature (M) readers, so be aware before you read it. I wont stop you reading it, but I should warn you. Read it if you want but be aware for what kind of rating this story falls to.

I got this idea and I just had to write it. Everything is from Izzy point of view all story is about Izzy and well you will see.. Dark themes are involved. So yea.. Comment and tell me what you think please :D since comments make life brighter or some stuff like that.. Ok I should stop rambling here so yea... Enjoy~

I cant take this any more, I am sorry, but I cant take this any more... Why? WHY? I am destined to lose EVERYONE I LOVE? WHY CANT I HAVE MY PERFECT LIFE? WHY? WHY? WHY? I should be perfect I should be person I always pretended to be! I should be...

Full of confidence, walk with my head high up. I should be wanted, but I was never wanted just because of who I was inside, I was only wanted because what they could get of me. Sex. I am nothing more than doll, smile, smile, wink, wink. I am nothing more. I should be like... No I CANT REMEBER IT. I lost everything! And it is my fault, people I loved and cared about are GONE. I am all alone...

All I can do is stand on the top of the roof, the air here is so cold and so calm, not like me – even when I am cold there is storm inside of my shattering everything, breaking all lies and pretends of being perfect.. Why.. Why .. Why I was not strong enough to protect them? WHY I WAS NOT THERE? WHEN THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME! Why?... I feel tears running down my smooth perfect cheeks, but it is only image I created for other people to see, to see how perfect I am, even when I am not inside, I am mess inside living in my own lies. Lies and pretends. I remember there would be times when people would ask me.

How did I get my body to look so perfect?

Where did I get such a perfect skin?

How come I was such a perfect?

How could I be so perfectly thin?

I would smile and answer back some silly answer, even when I wanted to shout out how being perfect was painful, how it was not me, how it was only facade for them to see, but I never said it, I was made to be perfect, to be someone everyone would look up to, to be liked and admired by everyone. I was like a doll, touched, admired but never truly known. But it always worked people always thought I had perfect life, even when it was dangerous, they thought I was good shadow hunter, but I never was... I just pretended to be perfect... I pretended to be free spirit, never really care about people I went out each day and night. About men I brought to my bed. I never cared about them, it was only for pleasure that lasted only for one night, maybe because I was always looking for someone who would look what was inside of me?.. I even lied to my brother... always pretended to be bitchy and confident sister, and he would have believed, he always believed. There was times when he would catch a glimpse of what was inside of my, when he was hurt or sad or depressed just then I didn't pretend, but I never let him see anything more, only little glimpses of how not perfect I was. Because only then I never pretended, I only wanted him to be safe and to be loved, I never wanted him to feel what I felt every single day, knowing that only being perfect made people notice and pay attention to me. My brother was my solid ground, I always knew that I could talk with him whenever I needed, and ask for help, even when I never did. Somehow just knowing it made me feel somehow safe and happy. Even when I was bitch most of the time.. my brother was something I could always count on.. but that was before. Before everything.

I cant change past no matter how much I want to. That's why I am here now, on top of the roof, looking up to the heavens. Maybe I am looking for an answer? I don't know... I only know I cant be perfect any more... I am to broken and to lonely, there is no one waiting for my any more..

I let bottle I was holding in hand to drop down to the ground. I'm drowning in the bottom of a bottle? Or not... I don't feel drunk I feel only pain, and storm inside of me.. Are we born to be broken? Or it is just me.. but no I know it is not just me I let him to be broken, I let people I loved to be broken.. now it was my turn. And, Angel, this is not what I wanted... I wish I could shout out how I hate this god damn mother fucker shitty ass bitch fate, life, destiny whatever is standing behind all of this.

I cant take this any more. I cant stand knowing that I lost everything, I cant stand knowing I lost people I cared about... There is nothing for me left... Institute is empty, hollow, cold, dark place now, without their laughter's, shouting, and only breathing..It is no longer home, it was once. And I know half of it is my fault, I cant be perfect any more... That's why I am I know I am going to end this today. I didn't leave note I didn't leave anything I just left, because I know nobody cares any more, and people that cared are gone, and now it is my turn. I know it doesn't matter any more, but I feel words leaving my lips.

Dear mother, I love you
I'm sorry, I wasn't good enough
Dear Father, forgive me
Cause in your eyes, I was just something you wanted to see – something I can no longer be
In my heart I know I failed you

It only makes me cry harder, but I don't care any more. Nobody cares because I am no perfect any more...

Things couldn't get much worse. I am sure about it. My vision is getting blurry so I wipe it with old sweater, old black sweater. I have something of everyone I cared about once had. I have 2 rings on my left hand rings with Lightwoods symbol, rings of my family that they can no longer wear. I have old worn sketch book in my back pack, black glasses even when I don't need them, somehow I feel like I can be connected with person that had finally unlocked all secrets inside of me. I have one big sparkly ring with letter M beside ring of my of other family person. It feels even when it is only two rings they should never be separated even when I know it is silly and small toy soldier in my backpack... there is crumpled photo in my jeans pocket and I take it out, I know I am going to hurt even when I see it, but I know I have to, even when photo held of life I once had, and it was only one photo where we were all together. I remember it was first Christmas when I actually have celebrated because of Magnus help with persuading others. Angel, I missed Magnus he was a friend I always wanted, from first time I met him I knew we were going to be friends and it was truth. He was just I don't know Magnus? Even when he was more than human I never treated him differently, he was best friend to me. Angel, why did it have to happen this way? Why did fate took everything from me? Why did fate broke everything? I let my eyes scan photo and I see Jace and Clary happy smiling into camera. I miss them so, so much.. I miss how Jace would say sarcastic jokes, how he would some times be total hard head, but I miss him so much, because he was brother to me even when he was adopted, he was brother to me, I miss how we would some times end up with some unreal plans and annoy everyone around us. I even miss Clary even when I did not like her at first, but in the end I understood that she was really great and nice person even when sometimes it was hard to understand her. I am scared to move my hand from other side of photo because I am scared to face people I missed more than anything... I am scared to remember and I am scared to face it.

Does God, Raziel or anyone behind has a damn heart?

How could it do this?

I know I have to face it, to face a fact that everything was part of my fault also, I have to do it, that's all that's left... That's all I can do. I remove my hand and pain like piercing needle through my heart makes my fall to my knees. All I can see is happy smiling faces and knowing it was never going to happen again. There is Alec beside Magnus while warlock has his arms around Alec. Alec my brother, my listened, my shoulder to cry is looking at camera and smiling wide smile while his cheeks are cherry pink because I remember Magnus had said something dirty like always, I let myself smile a small broken, sad smile. I miss my brother so much I miss Alec and I hate myself for not being there for not protecting him, I know I should hate Magnus because he had broken up with Alec, just couple days before everything around me was starting to fall apart. Like fate itself was jealous of our happiness. Next to Alec is me, but I don't care about it because I cant stand to face the fact that I am only one left, I know I should have been.. gone like everyone else. Besides me there is Simon he is grinning like always, I miss him so much, I can feel my hear trying to reach out for him, but I know it is not going to happen, he is gone never knowing... No I cant, I cant... I shake my head. I cant think about it... Then there is Max my little brother he is widely smiling while sitting on ground in middle of photo, I remember why he smiled because we all brought him his favourite manga for Christmas. It was happiest day of my life, but there is nothing I can do to make time go back, some thing wet drips down onto photo and I realize it is my tears, I gently rub it of with my thumb. Why does it has to be this way? I throw my head into empty sky and scream for heavens to answer my, but I know. Heavens maybe are not even there? If there was heavens above my why would it have done this? Why would it tear apart everything? WHY? WHY? My chest is so heavy and it is so hard to breath to take gulp of air, I end up choking and sobbing, there is nothing else I can do... I look down to photo of people I once had, of people I loved more than anything. I close my eyes and see terrible night where it all started...

Alec and Magnus had broken up. Clary and Jace were having hard time to deal with the fact that Sebastian had controlled Jace. Max was confused because everything was just to weird for his young mind, screaming s at each others, doors slamming. Things being thrown around. Simon was dealing with the fact that he was undead, and I was dealing with the fact that I could not tell something to Simon any more.

Maryse and Robert or more like mother and father was dealing with the fact that their family was breaking apart. Everyone was dealing with something and it seemed like everyone were ready to tear each others throats out if someone said something wrong. Or did something at all. Or walked wrong way, anything... All Institute was filled with anger, confusion, pain, sadness, tension. It was like you could feel it.

From everything being fine, everything started to fall downhill and lightening speed. I could not longer that it any more so I left that night. I wish I never did... Maryse and Robert had left earlier to meeting or something.

I thought everything was going to be fine, how deadly I was wrong. I saw Alec leaving also, I tried to stop him, but he only pushed me away and I told him to fucking calm down and talk, but when he didn't say anything I pushed past him instead and left. I wish I never did, but you cant wish for something when it is already to late...

I left and went to some club I didn't really look what it was called. I couldn't drink because well.. simply because I couldn't... I don't know how long I stayed there. In the end I went to get cab and go back home. Because I felt sorry for being harsh to Alec, I wanted to apologize, I knew I should not said what I did say.

When I paid some old cab driver and went out of car. I started to walk towards Institute, and suddenly I felt like something was really, really wrong. Door was open and all lights were off I called for someone, I knew it was stupid, but well I just did it. But I got no answer. I trying to find light switch and stumbled over something and painfully hit my knees to cold floor.

Back then I never noticed something wet and thick soaking my jeans.

Weird feeling was slowly creeping over my back raising goose bumps I had to find freaking switch soon and fast, something was wrong terrible wrong.. I know being shadow hunter meant being careful and not looking for light switch knowing that something was wrong, but that was left behind somewhere in my brain. I wished I had witch light with me...

I remember finding light switch and turning it on, even when I know and I wish I never have...

Bright light floods room and I blink couple times to let eyes adjust. When I see and what I see makes my stare in horror and feel my knees buckle beneath me. I fall to ground and my palm hit something wet, I am scared to look down but I do. There is blood beneath my I am in middle of big puddle of bright red blood.. I scream and scramble to my feet while walking backwards, my shoes leave red prints.

But there is blood everywhere, so much of it. Wall are stained red. I feel something hitting back of my head and look up and scream once again all ceiling is bloody, red blood is slowly dripping down. I notice someone I have tripped over it is some man I have never seen before, but I don't care about it now. I run down hall while screaming for anyone, even when I know there might be something deadly creeping in shadows, I don't care I need to find my family... I slip and trip but fast pick myself up and turn around corner to see Jace`s room door is not even there, like it has ripped away, I grab candle holder I know it is not much and walk in room, I am scared to look around, but I do. And I see it...

Clary pinned to back wall with spear blood dripping down from her open mouth, eyes still open staring into nothing. I feel scream building up inside of my, but somehow I cant make any sound, like voice have left my. I know it there is nothing I can do, I try to call out for Jace but once again I cant make sound leave my mouth. I see Jace he is half way out of broken window broken glass is poking through his chest, blood is running down his arms creating puddle beneath him.

I feel myself walking backwards, I want to scream to shout to do anything, but I feel like something has snapped inside of my like I am auto pilot, I know there is nothing I can do to help them so I turn around and run down hall shouting Alec's name inside my head because I cant make my mouth to work and any sound to leave my mouth and begging Angel he is not back from whenever he went to begging that he is fine. I don't even need to run to his room I see slumped figure against wall, but I notice bright colour clothes even when there is so much blood I feel like I might be sick, but nothing once again leaves my mouth. I run faster and slip which sends me crumbling towards figure I know is Magnus, when I blink and look again I notice something I did not there is handle of seraph blade poking out of his back and I see him holding something in his arms like shielding from sword and I don't want to believe it is not true.. it cant be true... Alec's head is lying against Magnus chest like in embrace, but there is blood running down his chin and I see other end of seraph blade poking out of my brothers back. Magnus tried to protect Alec from whatever attacked them, but it seems like it didn't work.

Magnus head is resting at the top of Alec's head, his eyes are open and milky white... My brothers eyes are also open, but they are staring into emptiness. I can do nothing, but stare take this terrible imagine in my head, drill it there... but something have cracked in my and I feel nothing, but my heart beating fast, slow, fast and then going fast, fast and even faster pumping my blood. I feel like it might burst open, but it doesn't instead I only feel drum, drum in my ears. I know I should have been crying, screaming doing anything, but I cant... I slowly rise to by feet and pull sword out, more blood gushes out from now freely open wound. I can feel blood splashing my face, but I only blink. Somewhere deep in my mind I know something is terribly wrong with me now, but I push that thought back. I slowly stand up and lay Alec's and Magnus bodies to the floor while taking my jacket off and gently placing it across, but before that I close with my palm Magnus and Alec's eyes then kiss my brothers forehead and put jacket down, while standing up, lifting still blood dripping sword from the floor and walking starting to walk towards Max's room.

Max's door is slightly ajar and light is on. I push door fully open with boot and walk in I feel nothing, I feel like I am automatic, like I am already dead... Max is lying on bed white sheets stained red. Blood is dripping from his small hands that are still clenching toy soldier, eyes empty staring at ceiling. With daggers bloody handle in chest. Blood slowly soaking clothing and bed. I know there is nothing I can do. And I feel like I cant do anything just turn around leave room and walk down to library.

I hear noise like things have been lifted around and thrown. I creep over and push door slightly so it opens for me enough to see. I can feel my shadow hunter training kick in. I see white haired person, I would recognize anywhere holding mortal cup. His clothes are stained red. Sebastian...

His name makes my blood boil and my heart pump even faster, adrenalin floods my veins and I take in deep breath. I grasp sword harder and kick door open, it bands against wall and Sebastian turns around with surprised look on his face, I don't wait I don't care I leap over table and hit him hard in stomach he stumbles back while letting go of cup. But scrambles fast to his feet and glares at my. Like I am not worth time, but I don't care, I cant feel anything only hatred, pure lava melting hatred. Adrenalin is making my all itchy and shaky but my hands are not shaking. We just look at each other, then he jumps towards my aiming to kick me in head and I jump back while hitting him instead with swords handle and kicking him in stomach, he flies back and crashes into bookcase, books fall all around him. I can see his is bleeding from some wound, but I don't care that he is not strong now. I run over before he gets up and kick him again and again and again, but I feel like it is not enough...

What kind of monster have I let myself become?

I grab his head and slam it to ground again, again and again and again I feel something crack and I hear it, but I cant stop even when I am screaming in my mind to stop I cant I feel like my body is not to me to control, like something else is controlling it. At first Sebastian tried to throw me off but in my iron grip and slamming to the ground he stopped moving or doing anything I felt his arms that were trying to tear my off go limp and fall to ground, but even then I could not stop. I can feel tears running down my cheeks, leaving black smeared mascara tears. Somehow I am able to let his head now bloody go and it slams to ground splashing blood that has been created around. I grab sword and stab Sebastian in chest I am screaming myself in head to stop but I cant I just keep stabbing over and over and over again blood is slushing from wounds staining my now bare arms red, it is dripping from my fingers. There is puddle beneath my feet of blood and I can feel it soaking trough my boots.

Kill the pain, scrape it off, leave it here, make it stop.
Tear it down, bleed it out, all the hate, see it straight.
No one ever told me that it would all stay the same.
Everyday I fall on shards of my hatred and shame.

All my top is stained with blood my skin is dripping blood, but I still keep stabbing even when I know that he is dead. That Sebastian is dead. I am like automatic, like I have been put to command.

Finally my hands releases swords handle and it falls to ground. With loud splash it lies in blood. Like monster is happy to be feeding in blood, swimming it it. I still cant make a sound, I still cant feel anything.

I slowly rise and lift bloody sword, even when I don't know why. Blood is dripping down, handle is slippery so I grab it stronger. I walk out and start to run towards front door, but another figure stops my in my track and makes dying scream leave my throat it is Simon, he is nailed against wall with that looks like dagger, his throat is cut open blood freely flooding down staining wall behind him and creating another bloody puddle beneath him. I cant stop screaming now. I cant seal my lips shut, I feel like all world could hear my screaming, but I cant stop it. I just keep screaming and screaming while standing in middle of blood stained room, with blood dripping everywhere. Like rain of blood. I feel sick and I cant stop myself from throwing up, at least it stopped my scream. Still gagging I start to walk towards front door not thinking anything, not thinking that I look like butcher that took blood bath. I see Maryse and Robert, just getting out of cab they start to walk towards but stops in their tracks when they see me. I keep walking I walk past them, but before I can do anything I collapse and everything fades.

I blink again and I open my eyes, I am crying and I cant stop it. I lost everything, I should have stayed I should have been there...

When every breath is a dying wish
It's harder to follow the point of this

This broken place that I call my home
Has deepened the sorrow that I have sown
And I can't erase what is in my heart
I want it to finish before it starts

My own solution insufficient again
No false illusion, this devouring threat
I break the vessel, giving air to its red

And open my fate to the darkened sky

But there is nothing I can do to change it... There is nothing I can do... Only one thing, and I know it is best choice because I lost everything. After that night everyone in clave thought it was my fault thought that I helped Sebastian and man that turned out to be Magnus father Prince of hell slaughter my own family when in the truth I killed Sebastian. And someone else killed Magnus father, before they got killed. I was imprisoned for 4 years in dark, without anyone. My marks were removed, even when in the end everyone found out it was not my fault, it was to late. I know it was my fault... I should have stayed.. I should have been there... at first years I could not speak some warlock clave hired said I was in shock. Well I didn't care I felt like I was dying inside... And in a way I was... I was pregnant 2 months before everything... but baby inside of my died and took half of me with him while other half went away with people I cared. While my other half now was 6 feet underground...

I've been fading away
I've been waiting on the call to reach my veins
Ready or not
No attention to waste
Every sorrow of the soul will read my name
When I cease to exist

So now I've come to the final sleep
I pray that forgiveness is mine to keep
I know it's hard to forget

To forgive

My own solution insufficient again
No false illusion, this devouring threat
I break the vessel, giving air to its red

And open my fate to the darkened sky

…

There is nothing left for me. I am no more perfect. No more Isabelle Lightwood. I am only nothing. Vessel. Empty. Cold. Tired and broken... And already dead even when I am still breathing.

Simon wont even be father. Jace wont be uncle. Clary wont be aunt. Alec and Magnus wont be two gay uncles. Max wont be uncle. Jace wont marry Clary. Clary wont have kids. Alec and Magnus would not figure everything out and be back together even when I am sure they each other had figured it out, but it was to late Max wont grow up to be teenager, wont be able to get first mark, find his parabati, find love have first kiss. Simon would never know he was father... I take photo and hold it close to my chest, there is nothing left for me. I take step towards the end I look down and see tear following path I am going to take, wind blows my hair across my face. Tears trails behind my. I am not scared, I am not afraid. I am just tired and I just want to be with people I loved...

I take deep breath look up to heavens and I seem faces of loved ones... Maybe they are waiting for me?

I don't know... Maybe I am imagining... But I don't care. I take another step and my feet meets nothing. I let myself drop while holding photo close to myself, while tears are trailing behind me. While my black hair are being blown around by wind making me look like I have black wings. I close tightly my eyes and imagine I am somewhere else where I am happy, where I don't need to pretend..

And then I see Alec, Simon, Magnus, Jace, Clary and Max they are all smiling and holding their hands towards me. They are all standing in bright light. Maybe it is light? Maybe it is my imagination...

All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand, don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly, don't fear the reaper
Baby I'm your man,

Valentine is done
Here but now they're gone
Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity, Romeo and Juliet
Forty thousand men and women everyday, Like Romeo and Juliet
Forty thousand men and women everyday, Redefine happiness
Another forty thousand coming everyday, We can be like they are
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand, don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly, don't fear the reaper
Baby I'm your man,

Love of two is one
Here but now they're gone
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear she couldn't go on
Then the door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew then disappeared
The curtains flew then he appeared, saying don't be afraid
Come on baby, and she had no fear
And she ran to him, then they started to fly
They looked backward and said goodbye, she had become like they are
She had taken his hand, she had become like they are
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper

Snowflakes started to fall from the sky. Clock tick-tocked 00:00 people screamed Happy Christmas...

Ok.. I am ready for comments like WTF is wrong with you and stuff.. SO yea *hangs head* you are not only one worrying about my sanity...