How the Bible Saved Me
by: Jeuxdevie
Hello. My name is Ronaldo. I was born into a Baptist family, but became an atheist at 14 when I realized that the beliefs of my parents do not make sense. Despite my closeness to them, I did not share my opinions and kept my atheism a secret, because the community that I move about in does not tolerate non-Christianity.
Take one of my classmates, for example. In a fit of absent-mindedness, she accidentally slipped out that she was a Buddhist. Two days later, she and her family left their home (or so we were told) and were never heard from again. Freaky, freaky story.
I must admit: it was pretty lonely being an atheist, not because of the lack of God, but because of the lack of community. I was the only atheist in the village, as far as I know. At first, I tried to regain my faith, but try as I might, I could not. I could not bring myself to believe in something that was unbelievable.
Then there was the matter of respect. A highly religious Christian gets more respect than a nominal "false" Christian. No wonder a lot of Christian girls found their pastors attractive, despite the McDonald's bulk and ridiculous hairstyles. I'm not bitter. Oh no. In fairness to myself, I look like a young Fabio with a haircut. Fabio... you know, that hunky model who graces the covers of steamy romance novels that are forbidden in our community? I was confident I was safe and set for life, until my girlfriend dumped me for a pockmarked dude whose only talent was speaking in tongues.
Even as a Christian, I never had greater respect for Christians than I did for non-Christians. I respected people on basis of merit, irrespective of their faith (or lack of). In fact, sometimes Christianity did lessen my respect for them. I find no problem with homosexuality, premarital sex and the like, but when a Christian who professes against these enjoy these in his life, then I totally lose respect for him.
My parents, devout as they were, divorced and each remarried. I would have had no problem with that, if the religion that they love weren't preaching that divorcing and remarrying is a sin.
I decided that the craziness and hypocrisy was not for me. At age 18, I left home and went to one of the liberal "sinner" states, and never looked back.
I got a job at a local company. My atheism was not a secret from my employer and co-employees, and they never ostracized me for it. Not all of them are faithless, but they did not discriminate against me. When they did ask questions about my atheism, they were genuinely respectful. It felt wonderful to be accepted for who I truly am.
Then came my birthday and my ever-friendly office-mates threw me a surprise party. We had a lot of food – pizza, ice cream, chicken, gravy, cake and cola. My project partner Jesus brought some burritos that were cooked by his husband. It was my first time trying this Mexican dish. It was really tangy and delicious.
After that, they presented me with a gift. It was shaped like a box and wrapped in colorful wax paper.
"Sorry, Ronaldo," one of my female colleagues, a beautiful girl whom I have a huge crush on, said. She had a smile on her face. "Jesus insisted on giving you that."
"Yeah," said my boss, a kindly-looking man in his mid-fifties, "just think of it as just for kicks."
I looked at Jesus, the small boyish gentleman with a huge love for jokes, grinning at me. I cocked an eyebrow at him, and I had a guess at what his gift was. Without taking my eyes off him, I quickly unwrapped the present.
It was a King James Bible.
The entire office erupted in laughter. One of my co-employees took a picture of me, and preserved the weird shocked look on my face. After I had recovered from the shock, I laughed along with them, and gave Jesus a hug.
Suddenly, I felt an odd pain in my stomach. I figured it was the burritos. I thought that Jesus had added laxatives to the burritos on purpose, but he denied it. I believed him. Jesus takes pride in his jokes, and readily admits when he is the perpetrator. Besides, no one else was suffering from stomach pain.
"Maybe you have a sensitivity to burrito?" said Jesus. "My brother does. I'm sorry, I didn't know..." He looked very apologetic and concerned.
"That's okay," I said, as I patted him on the back.
When I could not hold it in anymore, I ran to the bathroom as fast as I can, went into the nearest unoccupied stall, slumped down on the toilet, and unloaded. Ah, total relief!
And then I found out that my stall did not have any tissue paper.
I panicked. How was I going to clean up my butt?
That was when I realized that I had the King James Bible with me. I opened the book. The pages were so soft and smooth. Carefully, I tore out the first page, and used it to wipe my butt. It felt so heavenly, much better than any brand of tissue paper I have ever used.
That afternoon, I was able to consume from the creation of the universe to the great flood.
So from then on, I bring the Bible that Jesus gave with me everyday. I use it to clean my face, blow my nose and wipe my butt. As of the moment of this writing, I had already reached the New Testament.
Jesus showed me where he bought the smooth and silky Bible. I plan to buy my next Bible from there.
THE END