From the author: An amusing re-write of that popular yuletide carol, with added commentary by everyone's favourite scrawny wizard. Merry Christmas everyone!
On the first day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me a sweater that smells of cat pee. It was, admittedly, kind of them to give me a whole sweater. Of course it used to belong to Dudley, and is therefore about twenty sizes too big for me. The smell really is overpowering. I can't even wear it in the house because Aunt Petunia always tells me to go and wash immediately because I smell like Mrs Figg's rubbish bins.
On the second day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. The stubs aren't even exciting – they're from the Chelsea flower show. I think Aunt Petunia must have just found them in the bottom of a carrier bag one day, and decided to give them to me to save her having to find anything equally crap.
On the third day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. Three socks in varying shades of brown, one from each pair that Uncle Vernon used to wear when he did the gardening. Of course he doesn't do the gardening any more, so he doesn't need the socks anyway, which I suppose is why I ended up with them. I wonder if the pairs got separated accidentally, or if this was done especially for my benefit.
On the fourth day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. Six whole pence to spend how I choose. Life doesn't get much better than this.
On the fifth day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me five curtain rings, four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. Ah, the curtain rings. This came just after Uncle Vernon had complained heartily for over an hour as the new curtains had been put up in the living room. There were some rings spare in the pack, and, lucky me, I may now call them my own.
On the sixth day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me six rusty nails, five curtain rings, four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. They must have forgotten to do their Christmas shopping early this year, because I saw Uncle Vernon grabbing these useless nails from a pot outside the shed before dropping them in a bag for me on Christmas morning.
On the seventh day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me seven empty egg shells, six rusty nails, five curtain rings, four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. Again, it seems I was forgotten. Having cooked breakfast for the family, I was told to save the egg shells, and was later informed that they were my Christmas present, and don't I dare be ungrateful for the gift. Makes you wonder, doesn't it, what they think I would do with empty egg shells.
On the eighth day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me eight tiny woodlice, seven empty egg shells, six rusty nails, five curtain rings, four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. This was Dudley's first present to me. Eight woodlice from the floor of the garden shed. It could have been much worse, I suppose. They were my first pets (apart from the spiders in my cupboard). I named them Wallace, Walter, Wayne, Wesley, Wilbur, William, Wolfgang, and Harry. I thought it must be nice to be a woodlouse.
On the ninth day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me nine dead batteries, eight tiny woodlice, seven empty egg shells, six rusty nails, five curtain rings, four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. Used AA batteries. No point to them whatsoever – they weren't even the rechargeable sort. Needless to say, I put them straight into the bin.
On the tenth day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me ten stale breadcrumbs, nine dead batteries, eight tiny woodlice, seven empty egg shells, six rusty nails, five curtain rings, four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. I have to say, I actually quite enjoyed this present. I took the breadcrumbs up to Dudley's room and poured them into his bed. He must have been tickled by them all night!
On the eleventh day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me eleven broken toothpicks, ten stale breadcrumbs, nine dead batteries, eight tiny woodlice, seven empty egg shells, six rusty nails, five curtain rings, four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. I managed to occupy myself for half an hour at least by trying to make a miniature scarecrow out of my broken toothpicks. It was completely rubbish, but amused me while Dudley was throwing a strop because he'd already eaten all the mince pies.
On the twelfth day of Christmas the Dursleys gave to me twelve toenail clippings, eleven broken toothpicks, ten stale breadcrumbs, nine dead batteries, eight tiny woodlice, seven empty egg shells, six rusty nails, five curtain rings, four copper coins, three odd socks, two ticket stubs, and a sweater that smells of cat pee. Well, that just about sums it up. My loving family: The Dursleys! Thank you very much.
Fin