Ana's POV
"Daddy, daddy, check out this one!"
Christian rolls his eyes at me and smiles ruefully, "Oh no, now what?"
"Check out this helicopter and listen to what it does!" Before Christian can stop him, Teddy presses the button and the stock room is filled with the sounds of battle. Loud sounds of battle. Oh some mom is just going to love that one.
I look around apologetically at the other Toys for Tots volunteers and am grateful for their smiles of encouragement. These wonderful folks have put up with so much more today than what they signed up for. The added security and NDAs are fairly normal when Christian and I go somewhere off our beaten path. But the addition of a six year old boy to the job of sorting and bagging toys has not only tried everyone's patience, but it also meant additional security issues like relinquishing their cell phones. They all understood when I explained that we were protecting our baby from paparazzi. And Susie, the Communications Department staffer Christian brought over to monitor the phones, has been excellent about ensuring folks know about missed calls right away. Still, it's a pain to not have your phone with you. Christian eased the frustrations of the day with a seemingly endless supply of premium coffee and pastries and with lunch from Altura. Everyone appreciated that immensely, but it's still been slow going with Ted's constant distractions.
I smile at Miss Regina as she hands me a toy to put on the 4-6 year old girls shelf. I half listen to yet another story about her Christmases as a girl in Atlanta as Christian walks Teddy off to explain - again - why he can't play with all the toys. I feel sorry for Ted. He wants to be helpful and it's not his fault he's only six and overwhelmed. We hadn't planned on bringing him today but that changed at breakfast this morning.
Ana's POV
"Mommy and Daddy, I wanna go with you to help Santa get the toys ready for the kids," Teddy announces out of the blue as I set his plate of eggs and bacon in front of him.
Christian and I look at each other, both of us with a look of "no way" in our eyes. Ted's far too young to get through a day surrounded by toys he can't play with. His Christmas lists - all stuff he absolutely NEEDS to have - are still a mile long.
"Maybe next year, Ted. You're not quite old enough yet," states Christian firmly as he lifts Phoebe into her chair.
"But I'm six years old. I'm not a baby any more. I can do this," Ted said matter-of-factly as he scooped up some eggs with his fork.
"Wait for your mother to sit down, son." Christian admonished. "I know you're not a baby, but you're just going to have to trust me on this. You're not quite ready."
As Christian speaks, Teddy stops himself from rolling his eyes. I can see it from his point of view. Good table manners all the time every time can be quite onerous for a young boy, but Christian and I are unified on this and have never budged a bit. Ted knows he has no chance at even a momentary reprieve. He sets his fork down next to his plate. "But that's 'sactly why I wanna do it. Mrs. Levine was telling us about challenging limits and stuff the other day."
"Oh?" asks his intrigued father. I smile as I sit, thinking of a conversation I had yesterday with a female author. She was annoyed at having to always remind her husband who her daughter's teachers are. Definitely not a problem I'll have with my Fifty, control freak and thoroughly hands-on father that he is.
"Yeah," Teddy continues as he picks up his fork again. "She said something about not knowing what we can do unless we try. We have to explore our limits like Lewis and somebody explored 'merica."
"Clark," I provide.
"Yeah, Lewis and Clark. It's some kind of contest with other schools. Kids have to volunteer and bring in a note from their parents saying what they did and how long it took. Whichever school has the most hours wins gets a pizza party for the whole school."
"I like pizza!" pipes up Phoebe.
"Everybody likes pizza, doofus." This time Ted does roll his eyes.
"Not a doofus! You a doofus!"
"Neither one of you are doofuses, so stop. Now." warns Christian quietly.
"Okay, Dad. But really - who doesn't like pizza? Anyway, I was thinking of how you and Mom help with Toys for Tots and I figured I could go along and help."
"Well, Ted, it's pretty boring. All we do is sort a bunch of toys and then bag them up for Santa to take to the kids. And Santa's not even going to be there, you know. He's way busy this time of year. But the contest is a good idea. Maybe we could think of something else you could do."
Teddy eyes narrow in consideration as he drinks his milk. "Yeah, that does sound boring. But that's 'xactly what makes it good. If you're having fun then it's not hard and being hard will make it, like, count more. Besides, you and mom are always saying how 'portant it is and Mrs. Levine says it's better if it's 'portant."
"Hmmmm..." replies Christian. "Well, let me and your mom think about it and talk about it after breakfast.
"But, Dad - " He stops when he sees the quick fire in his dad's eyes.
Christian puts his fork down and aims those eyes straight at Ted. "Son, if you want an immediate answer it's going to be no. If you want to wait and let your mom and I talk about it, you may have a chance." Christian pauses for half a beat then lays it at Ted's feet. "Your choice."
Teddy looks at his father for a moment then casts his eyes down resignedly. The kid's not stupid. I smile. "Yes, sir."
After breakfast, I get the kids shooed off to clean their rooms while Christian makes coffee and tea for us. I join him at the table as he sets the cups and saucers down. As soon as I do, he smiles his sexy grin at me and says "Well, that was a little bit unsettling, wasn't it Mrs. Grey."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Christian," I smile back and nip my bottom lip slowly.
He leans in and puts his hand on my arm, "Oh yes you do. That sounded a lot like part of our original contract."
"The one I didn't sign," I remind him.
"Thank God. But it was weird to hear that logic coming from the mouth of my child."
I lean in and hug his head and giggle. "Yeah, I knew that's what you were thinking. I could see it in your eyes all through breakfast." I give him a quick kiss on the forehead and continue. "And I get what she's saying and it's a good challenge, but Christian I just don't think Ted's ready for this."
"I don't know. He can be pretty single-minded when he sets his sights on something. And stretching your limits can be a good thing. You stretched them pretty far last night. Even I wouldn't have imagined you doing what you did last night when we first met." He grins salaciously and I grin right back. Yeah that was pretty intense.
I close my eyes and savor the memory for a moment. "Don't distract me," I sigh, my thoughts turning back to the matter at hand. "What about security?"
"Taylor's probably not going to be happy with me, but we have plans in place for this kind of thing."
Why doesn't that surprise me? I decide to hold the obvious discussion about reviewing plans with me for another time.
"And do you think you'll keep your cool? Don't get me wrong - " I quickly adjust course as I see his eyes cloud, "- you have amazing patience with the kids. But Christian, he's just not ready for this."
His eyes clear as he smiles at me. "Yeah, I'll keep my cool. Because you'll be there and I know you won't let me go too far."
Of course I won't let him go too far, but great... now I have to deal with Teddy and Christian. Yeah, this is gonna be fun, I think fleetingly.
As usual, Christian can see my thoughts in my eyes. "Seriously, Ana, I'll keep my cool. Because he and his teacher are right. The only way to stretch your limits is to explore them. And self-control is a good one to explore. Thank God I learned it when I did."
I scowl. The Troll Bitch from Hell's methods of teaching Christian self control were brutal and perverse. But there's no escaping the logic that Christian's self-control is one of the reasons for his success and he might not have learned it if she hadn't changed the path he was on at fifteen.
Christian gives me a moment to get past the animosity I will always feel for that woman before continuing. "It'll challenge me, Ana. And I know you've got me if I stumble. I really want to try." He pauses and, seeing that I'm not fully convinced, pulls another card. "It'll be good for me and it'll be good for Ted. Remember how excited we were about growing the kids into this charity?"
Christian's POV
Oh this is going to be good! I'm like a kid on Christmas morning. And surprisingly, the logistics weren't that difficult. The FAO Schwarz manager was more than happy to keep employees on after hours so we could take pictures with their magnificent displays. I'm sure he hopes we'll buy a few things while there. Sure, why not - I'm in a holiday mood. Teddy's first Christmas. My first Christmas as a Daddy. Of course Ted doesn't get it yet, but I'm having a blast!
It was harder to convince Ana of this whole photo shoot idea. She still hasn't gotten used to what she calls my ivory tower mentality. She's right, of course. There are some aspects of how things work in what she calls "the real world" that I'll just never get. Of course, part of that is because haven't lived there in so long. It's not always a choice. I know I can't just pop down to the mall on a whim without the paparazzi catching wind of it. It's well-gilded but that tower is often still a cage. Which is why "because I can" is such a valid reason sometimes. Sure this private photo shoot at New York's biggest toy store may be a bit over the top, but why not?
She's right about something else, though. Ted's too young to know anything about it this year but I guess next year we'll have to start thinking about setting limits on the kids so they don't get too spoiled. That'll probably be enough to nix some of these indulgences, but I'll deal with that next year. This year I can still get away with stuff like this because, well, because I can.
So I finally convinced her. And once she got on board she got on completely. She giggles as the Nutcracker soldier uniformed doorman holds the door for us to push the stroller through. We're both enjoying our special evening taking in Christmas in New York City.
We head to Santa's Wonderland and even I am impressed with the huge tree standing next to Santa's gigantic chair. The photographer decides to get pics of Ana and Teddy first and I thoroughly enjoy watching them. I love the maternal light in Ana's eyes as the photographer instructs her to cradle Teddy and smile at him. "Who's my Christmas angel?" she asks him as he grabs her finger.
My pocket vibrates and I scowl at the interruption. I pull my phone and see it's Ros. "I'll be right back. I have to take this." I mutter. Ana smiles at me and goes back to playing with Teddy. Oh, these are going to be some great pictures. "Yes, Ros," I answer irritably as I walk off into Santa's workshop.
As Ros relates details of the decision she needs on the Savannah project I notice the Toys for Tots boxes lining Santa's workshop. "No, go ahead with it like we planned. I don't think that's a real possibility and we'll handle it if it happens." As I work out the details with Ros, the Toys for Tots boxes give me an idea.
"No, let Barney handle that. Oh? Oh that's right. Fucking holiday season slows everything down." It's the same shit every year. Families and holiday time and everything slows to a fucking crawl and nothing gets really done for weeks. It's maddening. But then I feel Ana's arms snake around me from behind. Okay, maybe it doesn't frustrate me as much as it used to. I reach around and pull Ana into my arms. Feeling a bit mollified, I continue with Ros, "No, he deserves the vacation. But let him know I want the report on my desk first thing next week. And let me know how that other turns out as soon as you know." Ana's arms squeeze me softly and looking down I see a small frown on her face. "Just text me when you know." Ana smiles. And I can almost hear Ros smiling on the other end of the phone as she says goodbye. Fuck, I'm going soft. As I slip my phone back in my pocket, I ask Ana, "Nice enough?"
"And more," she murmurs into my chest. Okay, maybe for this reward I can live with being a bit soft. Just a bit, mind you. "Thank you for the time and for this great idea," she continues. "These pictures are going to be wonderful."
"Yeah, they are. Hey," I say as I remember my idea about Toys for Tots. "I had an idea." I grab Ana tighter and spin her around so she's facing the Toys for Tots boxes.
"Oh," she says a little breathlessly. "Must be some idea."
"It is! See these Toys for Tots boxes? You know they collect thousands of toys every year for underprivileged kids, right?"
"Yeah. And?"
"I was thinking about contacting them and offering to review their logistics. I'll bet there's something we do that could help things move more smoothly."
"Well, maybe" she says, smiling indulgently. "But Christian, I think the United States Marine Corps has a pretty good handle on their own logistics."
"Yeah, probably, but never hurts to get another set of eyes on an issue. I'll get Andrea to find out who I should talk to. And I want to see if we're donating to them. Probably are. It's one of those touchy-feely, make-the-ogre-seem-less-of-a-monster things that PR's always telling me is important. But whatever we're giving I want to up it. And..." I break off shyly as the ideas start flowing in my head. This one might be too much.
"And?" she prompts me to continue.
"Well, maybe it's over the top, but I was thinking maybe this would be the charity to grow our kids into."
"What do you mean, Christian?"
"Well, I've been thinking about the whole ivory tower thing." Ana tries to hide her smile. "Yes, I do listen to you, Mrs. Grey," I say as I smile and hug my arms around her tighter. "Anyway, I know a lot of that attitude happened after I left home. So I've been thinking back on the things that Mom and Dad did when we were kids. Helping those less blessed was one of their big things that I have kind of gotten away from."
"No! You..." Ana starts, but I cut her off.
"Not like that. I still give checks and attend events and the company still supports things like the farming initiative and solar power, but with Mom and Dad it was important that we put in actual time. That's something I've gotten away from. " I pause a moment, reminiscing. "You know, I don't remember a time when Coping Together was not in our lives. I remember helping out when I was a kid. And I remember how it hurt mom when I was fourteen and refused to help any more."
Ana doesn't say anything. She knows to just give me a minute until I get my thoughts back on track. "Anyway, it was a big thing in our house when I was young and it's kind of like we just grew up knowing that it was important. Coping Together was the vehicle that taught me the importance of giving back and even when I was the world's biggest arse, as you called me, that giving back was still important to me. I want to make it important to our kids too. I'm not sure Coping is the best vehicle for them, though. What they do is great of course, but I don't want Ted's head filled with all that shit too soon. But toys - how can toys mess with a kid's head? So I'm thinking we grow the kids into working for Toys for Tots every year."
As Ana smiles I know I hit that "more" mark instead of the "over the top" mark. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all. "But to give up Coping - " she starts.
"Oh I don't mean give them up. We'll still write checks and attend events. Mom and Dad would kill us if we miss the annual ball. This would be in addition to that and something we could get the kids in on young."
"Maybe..." she starts, her eyes lighting with excitement. Just then we hear Teddy's cry. "Oh, I guess he's ready for more. Let's get the Daddy/Teddy pictures now?"
"Sure," I say as I take her hand and lead her back over to the Santa's throne.
Ana's POV
"No fair using nostalgia against me. You're making me feel old." I say, smiling at Christian. "You want more coffee?"
He grins. "No, I'm good. Use what you know, right? And I know how you feel about the kids and about Toys for Tots."
He's right about that. If some elf had been around that night at Shwarz to tell me how crazy my life would be trying to fit in Toys for Tots, Christmas events with the family, and all the year-end stuff at Grey Publishing, I'd probably have run screaming from the idea. But it's worked out just like we planned. Of course, the kids are still really young and their form of helping has mostly been picking ten things on their Christmas list to ask Santa to also send to other kids. We then contact the Schwarz personal shopper and they buy dozens of each item. The kids know they're helping Toys for Tots and it helps Christian and I know what the really, really want for Christmas. "Mr. Grey, you're incorrigible."
"Is that a yes?"
"Yes, that's a yes." I continue quickly as I see the look on his face. "I still think this is a big mistake, but I can see that it'd be good for Ted and a challenge for you. I just hope we're up to it because I don't think he is."
"Baby, there's nothing you and I can't do. You know that. I'll go talk to Taylor."
Ana's POV
And that was that. The logistics weren't that hard to work out and Teddy's been here with us all of this long, frustrating day. And we have three hours left to go. Actually, the work of sorting toys is simple enough. Well, simple if you're not six and trying to open and play with every toy that crosses your palms.
Coming back to the present, I realize that I've shelved a few toys and it's taking Christian a bit longer than I thought to return with Teddy. I don't hear his shouting and that's good, I think. Then again, with Christian sometimes quiet is worse so I figure I should go check on them anyway. As I step out onto the platform of the loading dock, I hear their voices. I peek over the edge and I see Christian sitting on the ground leaning back against the dock. He has Teddy wrapped in his arms and sitting on his lap. I take a seat on the steps where they can't see me and watch and listen to my men.
"So you're not mad at me anymore, Daddy?"
"I wasn't ever really angry with you, Tedster. But you said you were old enough to do this and now you just have to make yourself follow through. I'm not angry, but I'm not going to let you off the hook either. You committed."
"But it's so hard!" Ted whines. "It's just so cool being around all these toys and it's hard not to play with them."
"I know. But you have lots of toys at home." Christian tousles his son's hair. Like it's not habitually messy enough. I smile. It's habitually messy enough that no one will notice.
"I know, but not these." said Ted resignedly.
"No, not these." Christian pauses. "I can see where that'd be really difficult. But you knew what you were getting into before we left the house. You knew it was going to be hard. And now you have to keep your promise."
Now it's Ted's turn to pause and think. "I get it Dad." Oh, my baby sounds so grown up. "I know what I gots to do. I just don't know how to do it."
"Well, maybe this is what Mrs. Levine meant by exploring your limits. Maybe it's good because you learn how to expect more of yourself and how to deliver. Look at it this way," he says as he moves Ted around to a more comfortable position on his lap. "If you keep telling yourself how hard it is, you're going to have a hard time doing it. But if you can figure out a way to tell yourself no and mean it so strong that you don't let yourself fail, then you'll have learned something new, right? And next time it won't be so hard. And you can learn how to make yourself do other stuff. Like homework."
Teddy groans and I smile at the mention of homework. We've already started having those battles. I can't imagine what the next dozen years are going to be like.
Christian continues, "And that's called growing up."
Ted turned his head up to look at his dad with eyes that burn with insult. "I'm not a baby, you know."
"I know." I can just see Christian's indulgent smile at his son. "But you're not a grown-up either." Another pause. "And besides, you think you're the only one that has to grow up? Even I'm still growing up. And I have to do things that are hard too. You think it's easy for me to tell you no?"
Teddy tucks his head against Christian's chest and doesn't answer. After a moment Christian hugs him tighter and asks, "Well, do you?"
"Sometimes," replies Teddy sheepishly.
I can see Christian's shoulders tense. He's always so worried about what memories the kids are going to have of him. Oh, Christian. He's only six. If he's not mad at you now and again, you're not doing your job as a parent. I would speak up and remind him of the several discussions we've had about this but I don't want to ruin their moment.
"Okay, I guess I can see how it looks that way to you sometimes." Teddy relaxes against Christian. "But believe me when I tell you I don't like making you sad. It's hard for me to do."
Teddy looks up at his dad with suspicion in his eyes.
"It really is. But that's part of being an adult. We don't have people to tell us what to do. We just have to know what to do and make ourselves do it."
"You tell Taylor what to do."
"Yes, because I'm Taylor's boss. But Taylor does a lot of stuff without me telling him to. He just knows what he's supposed to do and he knows if he doesn't make himself do it I'm going to be angry. Just like your buddy Green knows what to do when Taylor and I aren't around. He doesn't like being mean to you either, but he knows he has to sometimes. We talked about why you have to do what Green says, right?"
"Yeah, I remember," answers Teddy. I can almost see my baby rolling his eyes. Green is Teddy's CPO and we've all heard the Let-Security-Do-Their-Job lecture way too many times.
"Okay," laughs Christian as he jostles his boy. "So grown ups know what they have to do and they have to find a way to make themselves do the hard stuff."
There's quiet between my men for a moment and then Ted says, "I don't want to be a grownup then. Sounds too hard."
"It can be, son. But one day you will be a man. Only Peter Pan can be a boy forever. And it's my job to make sure you're ready." Christian says as he hugs Ted tighter. After a moment he continues quietly, "I have something to tell you that may help you make yourself do what you have to do today."
"What, Daddy?"
"I told you about how sad it makes kids when Santa can't find them, right?"
"Yeah, Dad. But I still don't understand how Santa can't find all the kids. If he knows when they're sleeping and stuff, why can't he find them?"
"Well, sometimes he just can't and nobody really knows why." Good redirection, I think, as Christian continues. "But sometimes the kids get more than sad."
"What d'ya mean?"
"Well, sometimes..." Christian pauses, then lets out a long breath. "Sometimes the kids aren't just sad but they get to thinking they're bad. Santa doesn't come and doesn't come year after year. There has to be a reason, right? After a while it just makes sense that Santa's not coming because you're a bad kid."
Christian moves his chin just in time to keep it from getting clocked by Teddy's head as his son rears back on his lap to look defiantly into his father's eyes. "But that's not true! You just said it's just 'cause Santa can't find them!" Ted shouts. Ah, my darling baby boy... no grey in his world other than his last name. Everything's black and white to that boy.
"Yeah," answers Christian patiently, "but they don't know that. They just know Santa doesn't come. And they may not have an grown-up around that cares enough to explain it to them like I'm explaining to you."
Teddy leans up against his father again and ponders out loud, "So they're sad and their mommies and daddies don't tell them why Santa doesn't come so they figure that it must be because they're bad?"
"Yep,"
Teddy cocks his head. Oh, my heart rises to my throat. I love it when he does that. He has his Daddy's eyes and I can just see them screwed up in concentration. He looks so like his Daddy when he's trying to understand something tough.
"Okay. Yeah," Ted continues quietly. "I can see that." He thinks some more. "That's double sad 'cause the kids aren't bad but they think they are. I'll bet they really believe it too, even though it's not true."
"Yeah," whispers Christian. "They really do believe it. Sometimes for a really long time. And what's worse is if they believe it hard enough and long enough, sometimes they actually turn bad."
Ted snuggles in even closer before asking, "How come?"
"Well, they figure if they're bad and even Santa knows it, then there's no reason to act good. Sometimes they try but after a while they just turn bad."
"All because they didn't know Santa just couldn't find them?"
"Well, usually it's a bit more than that. But that's part of it."
"And that's why I have to let these toys go to those kids, no matter how hard it is? To keep them from turning bad?"
"Yep."
Ted is quiet for a moment. "Still don't know if I can do it. It's so hard." There's just an edge of a whine to Teddy's voice. Just enough to remind me he is still just a baby and this is really tough for him.
"I know," says Christian, lifting his son off his lap and setting him down on the ground beside him. He pats Teds shoulder and continues, "But I believe in you, my little man. I really think you can do this."
"Okay, I'll try again," says Ted as he rises to his feet. Then his movement is stopped by the thought that occurs to him. "Hey, Dad. How come you know all this stuff about the kids that Santa can't find?"
Uh oh. How's Christian going to handle this one? He never likes to lie to the kids and we know one day they'll find out about their Dad's past, but they're way too young yet to deal with that yet. I figure he'll give Teddy some flippant answer to keep the mood light, but once again he surprises me. He rises to his knees and takes Teddy's arms in his hands. He looks right into his son's eyes and quietly says, "Because I was one of them, son."
"No," says Teddy quietly, horrified. "Santa couldn't find you and you thought you were bad?"
"Yep," says Christian softly.
"Did you turn bad?" Teddy asks, a trace of fear evident in his voice. Oh no, my heart sinks. He's way too young to learn his father has feet of clay. Where's Christian going with this?
"Well, lets just say I did some things I'm not exactly proud of and I'll tell you one day when you're old enough to understand."
Teddy's eyes fire with temper and insult. "I'm old enough now!"
"You thought you were old enough for this Toys for Tots thing and it's been really tough on you, hasn't it?" asks his Dad, head cocked and eyes smirking in that way he has.
Ted doesn't answer right away. I know he's trying to weasel out of his Dad's logic somehow. Eventually he capitulates. "Yeah. Okay." I know this isn't the end of this, but now at least I understand Christian's plan. Teddy's pride and curiosity will help him get through the rest of the day. He'll want to prove to his Dad that he's old enough to learn some grown-up secrets. Christian and I can find a few things in his teen years that weren't so bad...maybe at the start of his troubles. Definitely before Elena got ahold of him. That stuff can wait until Ted's older. If ever.
Christian stands and holds Ted's hand as they walk around to the steps to the loading dock platform. I start to rise and I hear Ted asking his dad, "Do you still think you're bad?"
"Nope."
"So what made you finally realize you weren't bad, Dad?"
Christian looks at me as he and Ted climb the stairs. "I met your Mom and she made me see it. She wouldn't stop until I believed it." Christian wraps his free arm around me as we all walk back into the stockroom. He leans in for a kiss as we head back towards the bins.
"Ewwww, no mushy stuff," hollers Ted as he drops his Dad's hand, runs over and grabs a toy from the bin. "Oh cool!" he shouts as he sees the Lego set. Then he stops and looks over at his dad. He smiles that same shy smile I still love seeing so much on Christian and quietly walks off to put the toy on the shelf.