Disclaimer: I don't own them, Stephenie does.
Review please... Comments/Criticism welcome.
I let my mind drift as the lecturer droned on at length about the respiratory system. It wasn't as if I even needed to breathe - and besides, I'd heard it all before.
Instead I thought about what I would do once class let out. I needed to hunt, I had been putting it off, building my resistance as night after night I sat among my human classmates. As Carlisle had promised, it did get easier, but occasionally one of them would walk too close, or a stray breeze would blow their scent in my direction. At those times I had to work very hard to keep the monster in check as my muscles tensed, venom flooded my mouth and my instincts screamed at me to attack. It helped that I had never drank human blood, but recently I had found myself wondering more and more what it would be like... if the scent alone was so delicious, I could just imagine the taste... No! I must not continue these dark musings. Desperate for a distraction, I turned to the minds of the humans around me. The monotony of their thoughts would surely help me regain control.
'...which branch out to become the bronchioles...' at least someone was paying attention, parroting the lecture in his mind as he took notes.
'...I wonder if I'll be invited to the dance...'
And then, a "voice" I hadn't heard before: '...it ends tonight. Finally I will take her for myself. So long I've waited for this day! I will listen to her scream as I cut her open...'
I winced as a succession of twisted images accosted me. Thankfully, the lecturer chose that moment to dismiss us. I scanned the room, trying to put a face to the thought as everyone filed out. Nothing presented itself, until I suddenly got another flash of his mind as he headed along the tree-lined walk just outside the lecture hall. I hurried to catch up. There. A tall, dark-haired youth followed discreetly behind a girl I recognized from class. Her thoughts were mundane, reflections on what she had learned and how much studying she still had to do before the exams. His thoughts, however, were frankly disgusting. Chaotic, violent, degenerate. Again I was forced to watch what he planned to do to that innocent girl. I let out a low growl as I followed them, down the walk and onto a side street.
The girl had been so preoccupied, she had obviously taken a wrong turning. I heard her mind start to race with fearful thoughts as she realized that she was now in a narrow, dark lane, and then she became aware that she was not alone.
"Are you lost my dear?" he asked, closing in.
She drew breath to scream, but it was too late. He grabbed her, covering her mouth and forcing her back against the wall.
I shouldn't have cared. I, too, was a monster. Just because I did not kill them myself did not make me any less evil. What was one human more or less? Perhaps some small measure of Carlisle's compassion had rubbed off on me, or maybe I still felt the gentlemanly need to protect women's virtue. Either way, I wasn't about to let this happen.
The attacker drew his knife, a long, wicked blade, and my anger rose to a fever pitch. I snarled and sprang - knocking him to the ground, but my momentum carried me too far and I sailed over him. I recovered quickly and turned to face him as he rose. He stared at me with wide eyes at first, and then he too was overcome with rage. I heard it in his thoughts - he was furious that I had robbed him of his prize. 'She's Mine!' his mind screamed, even as the girl fled the scene, sobbing hysterically.
He scrabbled for the knife which had fallen from his hand, grabbing it just before I tackled him again. I heard the air rush from his lungs as my stony body crashed into him and then - I was lost. The overpowering scent of fresh human blood hit me in a dizzying wave. My stomach twisted into painful knots, venom cascaded into my mouth and the fire in my throat intensified a thousand times, my thirst rapidly spiraling out of control. My senses expanded infinitely as the monster within took hold. The prey was struggling beneath me, trying to get to its feet, clutching the knife protruding from its bleeding abdomen. I had already leaned down, prepared to bite into my meal, when strong hands grabbed me by the shoulders and tore me away.
'No Edward!' a familiar voice invaded my mind as Carlisle dragged me back.
I wanted to speak, to tell him to let me go, but the thirst was still too strong to allow me coherent speech. Instead I could only growl and claw at the hard hands which were around my waist, restraining me.
The human had managed to get up, and was now shuffling away from us as fast as possible. 'Damn it Carlisle!', the monster in my head screamed and raged, wanting to go after him and finish his despicable life. As he departed, the smell of blood faded to a tolerable level and I slowly reined in my bestial side. Once Carlisle was certain I was in control, he released me. I spun around to face him. I couldn't keep the resentment from my voice as I spoke.
"Why? Why did you stop me? He deserved to die!"
His answer was calm, as always. "No one deserves that kind of death, Edward."
I couldn't continue this conversation right now. I needed time to think, so I ran. I could hear Carlisle some distance behind me, keeping watch in case I went after the human, but at least he made no attempt to catch up. I headed for the cool dampness of the forest, where I took down two deer and a fox to stave off the thirst. They tasted even more bland than usual compared to the glorious meal I'd almost enjoyed. Anger began to course through me again. Who did Carlisle think he was, to stop me from exacting justice on that pathetic low-life human? I knew why he had chosen this life and I respected him for it, my mind-reading abilities allowed me to explore the thoughts behind his actions. He truly believed this was the best way to exist. But what if I used my gift to kill only evil people? Rapists, murderers... the scum of the Earth? Surely that wouldn't make me any more damned than I already was? And I would finally be able to stalk my natural prey… venom spread over my tongue in anticipation. I had come so close to tasting human blood tonight! Why did Carlisle have to interfere? Just because he was happy living this lifestyle was no excuse to deny me a chance at doing things differently. I would speak with him about it, he was a rational man and I was sure I could get him to see things from my perspective.
I turned towards home, following behind Carlisle, but keeping my distance.
When I made it to the large brownstone house on the outskirts of town, I headed straight for Carlisle's study. A mental 'Come in' answered my brief knock on the door. He was in the chair, while Esme was perched on the edge of the desk.
"Edward." she greeted me with a fond smile.
"Esme." I returned the smile briefly. "May I speak with Carlisle alone please?"
She nodded. 'Of course' . Aloud she said, "I'll be in the living room." She rose gracefully and swept out.
Carlisle watched her go, then turned his penetrating topaz gaze on me.
I looked away, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. It was as if he was assessing me somehow, and he had closed off his thoughts so I couldn't read his intentions. Gathering my courage, I spoke first.
"Carlisle, you know I have great respect for you and your lifestyle, but lately I've been thinking..." I paused, unsure how to continue.
'Go on.' he prompted me. The tone of his thought was neutral, but there was a slight tension in his posture.
"I don't want to hold myself back anymore. I want to explore other possibilities."
He spoke aloud this time. "You mean you want to kill humans."
"That's a loose interpretation, but yes." I admitted. "I want to kill other killers. Think about it, my abilities put to good use, ridding the world of evil. Making it safer." I grew bolder now that I had begun. "You save people every day. I will also be saving people - just in a slightly different way. One that makes full use of my talents."
He sighed, and I heard his thought: 'Oh, Edward. I had so hoped it wouldn't come to this. I thought the man in the alley was just a mistake...'
I ran my fingers through my hair. "It started out that way. I only meant to save the girl, but then he fell on the knife, and the blood..." I shook my head. "Don't you see? If he survives, he will kill again. I heard his mind! If I had killed him, it would have been one life in exchange for many!" Bitterness crept into my voice. "But you - you've condemned those innocents to death, all for the sake of your self-sacrificing ideals!"
He kept his voice low even though his temper was rising. "You had no right to judge him Edward. We are not gods!"
"Really?" I spat, "Then who were you to judge me, and damn me to this soulless existence?" I regretted the words the instant I spoke them, but it was too late. Pain flashed across Carlisle's face, and his thought was tinged with anger. 'Do you truly resent me for changing you, or only for curbing your bloodlust?'
We stared at each other in silence for a time. I looked away first, a wordless admission of guilt.
"Carlisle, please. Try to see it my way." I implored. "Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to truly fill the gaping void within? To finally feel satisfied instead of just appeased?"
His eyes darkened slightly as he considered my words, but his thought was firm. 'The guilt of killing would erase any satisfaction I might feel.'
"Very well. I'm not asking you to join me in this, only to..." he raised a hand, silencing me.
"I will not condone the killing of humans Edward. You know that."
"There can be no compromise then?" I asked, slightly petulant.
'No.'
"If I have no other choice, I will seek my own path."
'You're leaving us?' His thought was incredulous.
I couldn't quite bring myself to answer, so I merely gave a small nod.
His eyes locked to mine, and I saw deep sadness in them. 'Please don't do this Edward. Think of Esme... she already lost one child...'
I shrugged, not willing to let him see the guilt that thought had caused me. "She has you now."
"Then this is goodbye?" he asked, pain evident in his voice.
"Yes. I'm sorry...father." I usually only called him that playfully when he chastised me, but this time it was an expression of the regard I held for him. He truly had been like a father to me. I turned to go.
His last thought caught me as I closed the door for the final time.
'Farewell, my son. I truly wish it could have ended differently.'
My answer was too low for even him to hear. "I know."
Nevertheless, I did not look back. I ran on, towards freedom.