I wrote this at 2am so I apologize if there are mistakes.
Warning: character death, pretty angsty stuff
Disclaimer: I do not own Battlestar Galactica or any of the characters...
She could never say that she regretted her decision. She just hated herself for not finding another way, a better way. His face was still clear in her mind.
His eyes gave her his consent, both knowing what she had to do. So she had grabbed their daughter, lifting their child to her chest, feeling the tiny arms wrapping around her neck…and she ran. The sound of an explosion sounded in her ears as metal plating crashed down behind her. There was someone up ahead, Anders. Shoving Hera into his arms she had turned back, but Sam's free hand had grabbed her, had pulled her towards the Raptor. It was his words that stopped her. "He's gone, Sharon. He's gone."
It was the truth, she knew it.
Hera sat in Sam's lap as Sharon stared stoically ahead. She did not cry. She could not cry. She was absolutely numb.
Lieutenant Kier had asked where Helo was. Sharon had answered with, "Helo didn't make it." The words had sounded hollow even to her ears. As they took off she clenched her teeth until her jaws ached, it was the only way she could keep from telling Kier go back.
She could never regret saving Hera. She just hated that she hadn't been able to save her husband. The one man that had all of her heart.
Adama was there to greet them. They had sent word ahead that there had been casualties, that Helo had been killed in action. No doubt the Admiral wanted to make sure that the cylon wasn't going to lose it. He had saluted her and said some words that were supposed to console her, but she hadn't listened. Instead she nodded and started off towards her quarters, Sam trailing behind with Hera still in his arms.
"Sharon."
She didn't turn.
"Sharon!" Sam shifted his weight and let Hera down as Sharon opened the door. "Say something at least."
What was there to say. "My husband is dead. I couldn't save him."
She couldn't save him.
It was his eyes. They had forgiven her. They had understood.
Sam shook his head. "I know how hard this is for you, but…frak, you don't want to hear that do you?"
From the look on his face she could tell that he wanted to be anywhere but standing in front of her. She knew it wasn't because he didn't care about her, he did. It was because he had no frakking clue what to do or say. Neither did she. Finally he hugged her and gave Hera a final pat on the head before leaving.
Sighing, Sharon took a seat on the couch. Lifting Hera into her lap, Sharon buried her face in her daughter's hair. She could never regret her decision.
Starbuck came by later. Her eyes were red and she had actually given Sharon a real hug. She hadn't said that everything would be okay. Instead Kara had said, "I never thought I'd see Karl go before I did. It's frakked up." Somehow the statement was pragmatically wrong and comforting at the same time. Comforting because Sharon knew that Starbuck wasn't going to gloss over it. Wasn't going to tell her that Helo had died a Hero, which went without saying. No, Starbuck was going to say things as they were.
Sharon watched as the empty casket was launched into space, she couldn't help but think that that had almost been her fate. Could remember them leading her towards the airlock, could remember Helo's protests. He had always fought for her. He had died fighting for her.
Days passed, weeks, and still she felt empty. She felt numb.
Some mornings she woke up and when she didn't see Helo getting dressed, she turned in bed to wake him…only to find he wasn't there. Then she remembered. Remembered his eyes.
They had warned Roslin that it was a bad idea. She hadn't listened, said something about how the survival of the colonies were at stake, that their daughter was a key and it was the only way.
"There wasn't anything you could have done Sharon…Sam said that his leg was crushed." Starbuck was looking expectantly at her, "Right?"
She could see him lying on the ground, yelling at her to go. "I could have found a way."
"To carry a man that weighs twice as much as you and carry your daughter at the same time? I know you aren't human Sharon but come on."
"I could have called for help."
"Sam said the comms were down."
She could remember the screech as all communication went dead. That was when she knew there was going to be trouble.
"We never should have gone."
Kara shrugged. "I can't argue with that one."
The day she finally let herself cry was the day she no longer felt numb. She kind of wanted the numbness back because the pain was excruciating. The thing was it wasn't the kind of pain she could ignore. It wasn't physical, it was inside. Eating at her. Sometimes she wished that her cylon programming hadn't included emotions. Sometimes she wished she didn't feel so human. It had been because of Helo that she had wanted to feel human in the first place. Now he was gone and she was left with her feelings and her grief and her guilt.
She had yelled at him. She couldn't remember the exact words, that didn't matter. What mattered was her words had been hot and bitter and caustic. She was fairly sure they hadn't even made sense. Anger at him. Anger at nothing. Just anger.
His eyes had told her that he forgave her.
She wished her words had been something along the lines of I love you. That's what he had said to her, in the midst of her yelling at him. Then they had been forced to go on that God forsaken mission. The ride had been silent, Hera seated in between them. Something about how once there she would be able to point the way.
She could never regret what she had done. But she did regret not saying those three words.
Sharon punched Lee in the face. And he let her get away with it. That was how she knew just how much he pitied her. Because had she done that before she'd of been out the airlock, forget the brig. It was slightly fuzzy in her mind because of her fury, but Apollo had made some comment about Sharon's toaster counterparts and how Helo must have felt being killed by someone who looked like his own wife. Had he known she had been standing right behind him, he probably would have kept his frakking mouth shut. But he hadn't and she had heard and the next thing she knew Racetrack, Starbuck, and Hotdog were hauling her off of the Admiral's son. Apollo had wiped his mouth, she had expected him to look angry when he saw the blood, instead he had looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole. Unfortunately for him there were no holes to crawl into on Galactica, so he had settled for apologizing a million times. He had learned to like and respect Helo, even if Helo had been a cylon lover.
They had talked afterwards. Sharon wondered what it was that made everyone suddenly want to talk to her, what made them look at her like she was almost a person. She knew the answer; she just didn't want to think about it, because it sort of made her resent them. Apollo cleared his throat nervously, started to apologize. She cut him off with, "It's fine." He looked uncomfortable but then he started talking again. Fidgeting idly with the zipper on her sweatshirt, she only half listened to him.
Adama had called her in to his office soon after. "I've gotten reports that you haven't been coping very well with Lieutenant Agathon's death." She had a feeling Apollo had told him about their little incident. The Admiral's face softened slightly. If anyone understood about losing someone they loved and forgiveness, it would be him. "Listen Sharon, I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I do know what loss is like. People die, especially people in our position."
"I know that, Sir."
His eyes narrowed. "You're upset because you feel like you could have done something to save him."
She cleared her throat. "I could never say that I regret my decision…I'm glad that I saved my daughter, I know that it was the right choice and I would make it again…I just feel…I feel like I should have been able to have save him too. Done something, anything, differently."
"From the reports there wasn't anything you could have done." Before she could say anything he went on, "Helo loved you Sharon, would have done anything for you and Hera. And he knew that you loved him."
Looking him straight in the eye, she replied, "I may never regret my decision Admiral…but I will always, always, regret not telling him that I loved him that one last time."
Reviews welcome, including critiques.