A/N: Hey Everyone, this is mostly a Mark's reflections on choices he's made in his life, but there's going to be an ongoing conversation going on in present time as well. Possibly two. There aren't really any firm shippings, possibly some Maddison. Hope you guys like it! It's a songfic to Startin' With Me by Jake Owens.

I would be the first person to admit to the numerous mistakes I've made, some I regret more than others. But at the end of the day, I am who I am, no apologies. Someone once told me that you can't change who you are, and I believe them. Doesn't mean that I don't want to. I know what people say about me, I'm not deaf, and they don't try to lower their voices when I enter a room. I'm a notorious man whore that apparently is cocky beyond belief. But so what if I love women? All women. And so what if I happen to be proud of my looks and abilities? Both something I work very hard on every day.

Most hate me for what I did to Derek, but I don't care. I only care about Derek- and Addison. They are the only ones that know what happened. Well Derek doesn't know exactly what happened, but he knows what it lead to. I hate that he walked in on us, and I hate that Addison couldn't be honest with him before, but I can't apologize for falling in love with her. She changed my life. Well, a big part of my life.

Another one of my regrets, for the first time, well first major time, my man whorish ways bit me in the ass. I cheated on the love of my life. Not just once though. That's the worst part. She cheated on her husband with me, and then I turn around and return to my old ways. The entire time Derek was in New York that we were together, I was completely faithful, in a very twisted way. I spent all my time waiting for the next time I could hold her in my arms, but then I could have her anytime I wanted, and no matter how amazing that felt, and how much I enjoyed every moment of it, my general love of women slowly started creeping back in. Didn't lessen my love for her any though. She just never saw it that way, and I guess it's hard to understand till you have been in the situation. Not to say that this was the first mistake I'd made when it came to my sleeping habits, it's just the one I hate the most.

I had a one night stand with my best friends baby sister

It was one hour into a Saturday morning of my freshman year in college,and I was actually sober. Derek and Addison had made a pact to not drink any alcohol for the whole weekend to study for exams, and somehow I was dragged into the pact as well, leading us all to my apartment off campus. So, it was safe to say that I was bored out of my mind when I got Nancy's call. Derek and Addison were all snuggly together, as usual, on the couch, and I was sprawled out on the leather recliner only a few feet away. A movie was on, but it was a chick-flick, so I wasn't too consumed in it, and welcomed the distraction. I quickly excused myself from the living room to my bedroom to answer the phone.

Five minutes later, I was out the door to pick up Nancy, Derek's older sister, from a party. Somehow, in the past year, I'd become her go-to guy when she was wasted and needed a ride home. Did I have a taxi light up sign on top of my car? Apparently so! She called me because she was always too scared to call Derek. She had to know I was with him, didn't she? Either way, if it was at all possible, I always went and got her. I also warned her to what parties Derek was planning on attending, to avoid any awkward run-ins. We didn't go to the same college, but hers wasn't far away, and so they tended to have the same crowds.

"Hey Nancy pants." I grinned as I came to a complete stop in front of the large apartment building that I've grown rather accustomed to, the rain beaming down on my windshield too fast for my wipers to have a chance to clear them.

"Hey loser." She giggled in the stern way that only she could pull off. She's always had such a irrevocable presence around her. She could fight with the best of men, and cry with the giddiest of women. If she didn't constantly remind me of the fact that she'd seen me in a girls bathing suit when I was too young to dress myself, sometimes I wonder if I could have fallen in love with her.

"How was the rager?" I continue with our traditional banter, trying my best to keep my eyes off the way the chilling rain all but glued her tank top to her slender body. Thanking something or someone above that her dorm was only about a five minute drive, maybe ten with the rain.

"Eh. Same old same old. No newbies tonight." She sighed, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Yes, it's tragic that there weren't any guys that you haven't already had your way with by your senior year in college, Nance. Really heartbreaking if you ask me." Derek would have had a heart attack if he knew how much she got around. He'd go and try and kick every single guy's ass that ever laid a hand on her. She was my role model.

"Oh, like you have any room to talk, Mark. You're still a freshman, and you've already ran out!" She laughed heartily, and I could hear the roaring of it vibrating off her chest. It was slightly infectious.

"It's not my fault that I'm good in bed, babe." I grin, and I swear I saw her lick her lips tauntingly, but I shook it off. This was Nancy!

"Or maybe they are just really drunk." She bit her index finger trying to bite back her laughter, but was failing.

"That's why they always come back for more." I retort quickly to save my pride. Believe it or not, I wasn't always as cocky as people think.

"Yet, you won't sleep with them again." I have got to stop telling her about my sex life. I don't like this biting me in the ass thing she does.

"That would be unfair though, Nancy. You see, you have to give everyone worthy a chance. If I slept with the same girls every night, how would I know they were the best?" She widens her jaw in mock shock, but I know she isn't really surprised. "Besides, it's not like you've ever slept with someone twice either!"

"That's because I go for guys like you." That's not exactly a surprise to me, but it's the first time she's ever said it. I looked at her questioningly for a moment as I parked in one of the open spaces in front of her dorm. Yep, she was definitely taunting me.

"Well, I am very charming." I grin, trying to ignore the fact that she is gently rubbing her thighs.

"Mark?" She closed her eyes tightly for a moment before opening them again to look at me.

"What'd you do now, Fancy?" I grin, she was making it very hard to be neutral.

"Come upstairs." She nibbled on her lower lip while I was trying my best to read the situation.

"Nancy, I can't be the only person you know that will have sex with your roommate. I've told you before I wasn't doing it again!" We both let out a small laugh, but she shook her head, no, before placing one of her hands on my upper thigh.

"This one's for me." She whispered huskily into my ear, running her hand further up my thigh. I could smell the alcohol on her breath.

"Nancy.. I.'' I tried to protest but she placed her other hand over my mouth, once again shaking her head.

"It can be our little secret." She smirked before replacing her hand with her mouth, using the hand to remove my keys from the ignition.

The next morning, I woke up in an empty room with only a note to greet me.

Hey loser.

I'm out for the day with Addison. Apparently our twilight boy decided to be a jackass last night.

Get dressed and go home, I'm sure he'll be whining about something or another.

xoxo,

Nancy Pants

P.S- I might have met my match, cocky ass.

I laughed before I made my way around the room for my clothes, tossing the note into the trashcan.

When I got home, Derek was on my couch, staring idly at the TV. A wave of guilt passed over me, but I quickly dismissed it as I made my way further into the room. "Hey buddy." I smile halfheartedly at his disheveled appearance. Apparently there was more to this story than Nancy let on.

"Mark? Where have you been?" I was worried sick!" I knew he was worried, but it was still funny. Sometimes he's more like a dad than a best friend.

"Sorry. A friend had car trouble."

"Oh. And I'm sure she gave you many thanks." Derek chuckled, all of his worry disappearing from his face.

"So why do you look like bambi?" I asked as I plopped down on the couch.

"Addison is being unreasonable!" He pouted.

"Of course she is, It's Addi." I laughed. "What specifically?"

"She wants me to go home with her next weekend to meet her family! We've only been going out for less than a year! Is that really necessary?"

"Derek, she's already met your family. And they all love her! How bad could it be?"

"You're taking her side? Figures. You two spend more time together than we do!" He huffed with a grin.

"No sides here, buddy. I'm completely 100 percent neutral. Just to be clear, I'm NOT going to meet Addison's parents with you."

"I'm not going!"

"Yes you are!"

"But.."

"No!"

"You're suppose to have my back, Mark!"

"I do! Right here!"

"I'm going to meet them next weekend, aren't I?"

"Yep."

"I hate you."

"I know."

And to this day he still wont speak to me

I swear that I never meant to hurt Derek. He's the only person I've ever considered my family. He's my brother. He's partly my dad too. He's the only guy that's ever taken the time to teach me right from wrong. Well, Mr. Shepherd tried, but he passed when we were so young, I'd just turned twelve. My sperm donor spent my childhood in his office, probably with a bunch of women that weren't my mom. My mom spent her days in her bedroom with the curtains closed to block out the light, a spare bottle of Jack Daniels always under her bed if the one on her dresser ran empty. It wasn't until after she died that I was informed she was manic depressive. She refused to take medication. At least that's what Ron, the sperm donor, told me. I'll probably never know the whole story, but that's okay with me. Maybe it's better that way. Sometimes it's better to be in the dark about the painful stuff.

I know that I don't deserve to be forgiven for what I've put him through, but he'd fallen out of love with Addison, and he met Meredith, so really shouldn't he thanking me? I think he should. Not that I would ever say that to anyone.

The first time I came out here, I really thought he would realize how much he missed me, and would forgive me, and I thought Addison would look at me, and remember all the good times. I was very wrong. Now I'm back again, and except for the fact that Addison is now using me for sex, nothing has changed. Well between me and her anyway. I don't know if it's even worth me staying. But I have to try. I need my family back.

"Mark? What are you doing in here?" The voice only shook me from my thoughts slightly.

I didn't have to look up from my crumbled state against the wall of the supply closet to know the voice. I knew it better than almost anyone's. Almost.

"Do you know what today is?" I asked, tightening my grasp around my knees. I usually don't leave my bed on this day every year, but Webber apparently didn't believe my impersonation of the flu. Apparently Derek tried the same thing as well. Times like these I wish I was still in New York. Not having a boss was damn amazing.