Well – this bit of Fanfiction was inspired by the episode "Full disclosure"
– and I know the writing on the show had gone downhill considerably lately
(can someone say "Bring Back Sorkin" or how about "If it wasn't broken why
the hell did you try and fix it?") but personally – I really liked that
episode! Not that I think it was some sort of exceptional writing but
mainly because there were a lot of things that were a little under the
surface, things you didn't necessarily notice first time you watched – and
mainly because of the acting. I thought Allison Janney was amazing –
especially in that last scene with Toby...
The idea also came from the TWoP recaps – the whole idea where sometimes you need someone to sit down a fully commit to a conversation before you can really open up... it kind of got me...
*
She went through the motions for the rest of the night, sitting through an hour with Toby about the school vouchers thing so she would be prepared to brief the press tomorrow morning, then going through the late wires to see if there was anything worth loosing sleep over... she didn't realize she was stalling time
She sat in her dark office, listening to the sounds of the empty west wing that was never truly empty and her gaze kept falling on the couch at the corner, the one where Toby sat just a few hours ago when they had the one conversation she spent eternity hoping she would never have. She didn't know why she even told him all those things, why she opened her heart like that. It was something in the way he listened, something in the way he came back into the room – only an inch at first, still giving her a chance to back out if she wanted to, and then committing fully and sitting down in that couch. If he hadn't sat back down she probably wouldn't have said anything – but his tenderness touched her, the way he came in gradually, giving her the space she needed and then presenting himself as prepared to listen only when he was sure she was willing for it.
It was so long ago, back in the first campaign when they were all still hopeful and naïve, you'd think she'd be able to chalk it off as one of her little past demons. The kind of demons that stay in the back of your closet and never raise their ugly head because, seriously, how long can you dwell on one little mistake from your past. She couldn't remember most of the men she went out with over the years, not even the ones she ended up sleeping with...but this was different. Not just because he was married, and not just because he ended up becoming who he had become, not just because he used to work in such close proximity to her – it was none of those things. And it was all of those things combined.
"You don't need to apologize to me..." his simple words still echoed in her mind and she knew they were true – she didn't owe him an apology – but somehow it seemed like she should anyway.
She didn't realize where she was headed until she found herself sitting in the dark parking lot, holding herself partly for comfort and partly against the cold. She sat there for what seemed like hours but was really only a few minutes when the elevator dinged and opened it's metallic doors.
He stopped for a moment when he saw her, sitting there in the semi darkness, leaning against the hood of his fancy car. The emergency lights gloomed behind her and for a minute she had a flashback to medieval paintings of fallen angels with golden auras behind their heads. Their eyes met briefly and for that split second she thought he might turn away and run – but he didn't. Instead he crossed the short distance between them, his hand already in his pocket fishing for his car keys.
"If you came to warn me again there's really no need CJ, I got the message. I'm not going to embarrass you guys anymore" he wouldn't meet her eyes and his tone seemed so still, so uncomfortable – for some reason it gave her some comfort to know that he was uncomfortable, that she made him uncomfortable – even if only a bit.
"I didn't come here for business" she shrugged "I don't really know why I came here..."
He relented and exhaled a deep breath that sounded like he'd been holding for hours, or a lifetime. Placing his briefcase on the concrete floor he leaned against his car next to her, not looking at her but still joining her in a way that wasn't close but somehow managed to be intimate. "I never thought I could do that..." she managed to say weakly, remembering herself saying the same words to Toby only hours ago "I never thought I was the kind of woman who could do that..."
"You're not..." he shrugged and it made her chuckle in that way when your chuckle became a snort because you realized how unfunny it was in the middle of the chuckle. "It wasn't you Claudia... "
"No, you don't need to explain it to me, you don't owe me anything – it took two people that night...you don't have to explain..."
"Yes I do. Isn't that what you came here for? Or do you just enjoy the crisp night parking lot fresh air?" for a politician he was always very good at calling people on their bullshit and she always admired that about him – even at the times when she leaned towards despising everything else about him "It really wasn't about you Claudia..."
He waited until she leaned back against the car again and seemed like she was ready to hear him out "Remember when I told you all that I was an alcoholic? It's hard to explain for someone who hasn't lived through it. It's something that you know is bad for you but you still want it so badly because for those few seconds, for those few minutes while it lasts – you're king of the world CJ, you're King Kong on crack, nothing can take you down...for me it was always about self destruction, pushing it a far as I can until I could feel the fire starting to scorch my skin...I gave up alcohol in my twenties and for a long time things were better, I was peaceful for a while – I remember thinking I was so damn great because I beat it, I survived it" he snorted, laughing at his own naiveté "And then I lost the primaries... Bartlet offered me the vice presidency and it still felt like second best, like a consolation prize...all of the sudden I needed that feeling again...I couldn't go back to alcohol...That night with you – it was like being drunk again – it was wrong and dangerous and unbelievably stupid – and for those few hours I felt like King Kong again. I needed to have that feeling again..."
"And I was just there..." she couldn't help but sound a little bit bitter
"Claudia you were beautiful and smart and funny...and yes, you were there...I'm sorry that I can't make up some excuse, say something that will make what happened any better..." he sighed "all I can tell you is that it wasn't you Claudia! It was me!"
She paced to the nearest wall and back again, taking the time to collect her thoughts, the concrete walls around here all seemed the same, she couldn't even make out the different colors that marked the different levels in the semi-darkness that surrounded them. The sound of her heels clicking against the cold floor gave her comfort but at the same time the similarity of the walls around her started to become suffocating, it reminded her of a tomb. She forced that thought out of her mind, forcing herself to think of what he told her, trying to see if this was something she could hold on to.
All that time he was leaning against his car – waiting. He knew she needed time to digest it all, and even then she wouldn't be able to understand, not really. No one in the world with out an addiction in his past would understand his behavior – even he couldn't understand it sometimes.
"You're wrong..." her words kind of shook him out of his thoughts he turned a surprised look to her. All he could think of at first glance was that he couldn't remember when she had started crying.
"You weren't the only one there John..." Somehow it seemed Ironic to her that this was a man she had slept with and yet didn't feel comfortable calling by his first name "I was there too, and I was going through some shit of my own and I was tiered and stupid and I knew you were married but I went along anyway... I remember that night so well... I remember that everything inside me screamed that it was wrong – but I didn't care. I say now that I would have given anything to take it back – but I didn't stop it... what does that make me?"
"It makes you lonely CJ, not stupid, not evil...just lonely"
"And that's an excuse?"
"Most times - it"s the only excuse there is..."
The idea also came from the TWoP recaps – the whole idea where sometimes you need someone to sit down a fully commit to a conversation before you can really open up... it kind of got me...
*
She went through the motions for the rest of the night, sitting through an hour with Toby about the school vouchers thing so she would be prepared to brief the press tomorrow morning, then going through the late wires to see if there was anything worth loosing sleep over... she didn't realize she was stalling time
She sat in her dark office, listening to the sounds of the empty west wing that was never truly empty and her gaze kept falling on the couch at the corner, the one where Toby sat just a few hours ago when they had the one conversation she spent eternity hoping she would never have. She didn't know why she even told him all those things, why she opened her heart like that. It was something in the way he listened, something in the way he came back into the room – only an inch at first, still giving her a chance to back out if she wanted to, and then committing fully and sitting down in that couch. If he hadn't sat back down she probably wouldn't have said anything – but his tenderness touched her, the way he came in gradually, giving her the space she needed and then presenting himself as prepared to listen only when he was sure she was willing for it.
It was so long ago, back in the first campaign when they were all still hopeful and naïve, you'd think she'd be able to chalk it off as one of her little past demons. The kind of demons that stay in the back of your closet and never raise their ugly head because, seriously, how long can you dwell on one little mistake from your past. She couldn't remember most of the men she went out with over the years, not even the ones she ended up sleeping with...but this was different. Not just because he was married, and not just because he ended up becoming who he had become, not just because he used to work in such close proximity to her – it was none of those things. And it was all of those things combined.
"You don't need to apologize to me..." his simple words still echoed in her mind and she knew they were true – she didn't owe him an apology – but somehow it seemed like she should anyway.
She didn't realize where she was headed until she found herself sitting in the dark parking lot, holding herself partly for comfort and partly against the cold. She sat there for what seemed like hours but was really only a few minutes when the elevator dinged and opened it's metallic doors.
He stopped for a moment when he saw her, sitting there in the semi darkness, leaning against the hood of his fancy car. The emergency lights gloomed behind her and for a minute she had a flashback to medieval paintings of fallen angels with golden auras behind their heads. Their eyes met briefly and for that split second she thought he might turn away and run – but he didn't. Instead he crossed the short distance between them, his hand already in his pocket fishing for his car keys.
"If you came to warn me again there's really no need CJ, I got the message. I'm not going to embarrass you guys anymore" he wouldn't meet her eyes and his tone seemed so still, so uncomfortable – for some reason it gave her some comfort to know that he was uncomfortable, that she made him uncomfortable – even if only a bit.
"I didn't come here for business" she shrugged "I don't really know why I came here..."
He relented and exhaled a deep breath that sounded like he'd been holding for hours, or a lifetime. Placing his briefcase on the concrete floor he leaned against his car next to her, not looking at her but still joining her in a way that wasn't close but somehow managed to be intimate. "I never thought I could do that..." she managed to say weakly, remembering herself saying the same words to Toby only hours ago "I never thought I was the kind of woman who could do that..."
"You're not..." he shrugged and it made her chuckle in that way when your chuckle became a snort because you realized how unfunny it was in the middle of the chuckle. "It wasn't you Claudia... "
"No, you don't need to explain it to me, you don't owe me anything – it took two people that night...you don't have to explain..."
"Yes I do. Isn't that what you came here for? Or do you just enjoy the crisp night parking lot fresh air?" for a politician he was always very good at calling people on their bullshit and she always admired that about him – even at the times when she leaned towards despising everything else about him "It really wasn't about you Claudia..."
He waited until she leaned back against the car again and seemed like she was ready to hear him out "Remember when I told you all that I was an alcoholic? It's hard to explain for someone who hasn't lived through it. It's something that you know is bad for you but you still want it so badly because for those few seconds, for those few minutes while it lasts – you're king of the world CJ, you're King Kong on crack, nothing can take you down...for me it was always about self destruction, pushing it a far as I can until I could feel the fire starting to scorch my skin...I gave up alcohol in my twenties and for a long time things were better, I was peaceful for a while – I remember thinking I was so damn great because I beat it, I survived it" he snorted, laughing at his own naiveté "And then I lost the primaries... Bartlet offered me the vice presidency and it still felt like second best, like a consolation prize...all of the sudden I needed that feeling again...I couldn't go back to alcohol...That night with you – it was like being drunk again – it was wrong and dangerous and unbelievably stupid – and for those few hours I felt like King Kong again. I needed to have that feeling again..."
"And I was just there..." she couldn't help but sound a little bit bitter
"Claudia you were beautiful and smart and funny...and yes, you were there...I'm sorry that I can't make up some excuse, say something that will make what happened any better..." he sighed "all I can tell you is that it wasn't you Claudia! It was me!"
She paced to the nearest wall and back again, taking the time to collect her thoughts, the concrete walls around here all seemed the same, she couldn't even make out the different colors that marked the different levels in the semi-darkness that surrounded them. The sound of her heels clicking against the cold floor gave her comfort but at the same time the similarity of the walls around her started to become suffocating, it reminded her of a tomb. She forced that thought out of her mind, forcing herself to think of what he told her, trying to see if this was something she could hold on to.
All that time he was leaning against his car – waiting. He knew she needed time to digest it all, and even then she wouldn't be able to understand, not really. No one in the world with out an addiction in his past would understand his behavior – even he couldn't understand it sometimes.
"You're wrong..." her words kind of shook him out of his thoughts he turned a surprised look to her. All he could think of at first glance was that he couldn't remember when she had started crying.
"You weren't the only one there John..." Somehow it seemed Ironic to her that this was a man she had slept with and yet didn't feel comfortable calling by his first name "I was there too, and I was going through some shit of my own and I was tiered and stupid and I knew you were married but I went along anyway... I remember that night so well... I remember that everything inside me screamed that it was wrong – but I didn't care. I say now that I would have given anything to take it back – but I didn't stop it... what does that make me?"
"It makes you lonely CJ, not stupid, not evil...just lonely"
"And that's an excuse?"
"Most times - it"s the only excuse there is..."