And right turns wrong and back again
You had known from the start that this wasn't the fairytale love you had always been dreaming of. Some part of you had told you that you shouldn't wait for something like that though. It just didn't happen in real life.
But really, it had been those big eyes looking so pleadingly at you. You had thought his heart would possibly break right in front of you if you told him no. (Now you know it wouldn't have.) You really hadn't wanted to hurt him. You had wanted to at least try.
You like him. You really do. You liked him back then too, but it has never grown with time like you had hoped it would. It has never been enough and you know that; probably have known that for quite a while now without really acknowledging it.
The day that made you finally realize how seriously wrong everything was had been your second anniversary.
You don't really remember much of that day except for the evening dinner you had together with him; the one he had insisted on having for celebration.
Tsuna had been tense like always when one of his guardians (or more) were out on some secret mission no one really told you anything about. You had learned in those two years more than you had ever wanted to know about the mafia, but still not enough to actually know anything. There was a war going on, you had gathered as much; as to why and between whom you had no idea though. You just knew it involved you somehow, it involved everyone - if they were actually aware of it or not.
Tsuna's mind wasn't completely with you like it was usual for such situations - but not. Not really. When you think back now, you see that you probably should have noticed everything much earlier. It makes you wonder if you had known all along and just decided to push those thoughts aside or if you just had been that ignorand.
You had tried to ask him about his day, but hadn't gotten any real answer, so you chatted about some pointless things to fill the silence.
When the door was opened you had to turn around. (Tsuna took always the chair facing the entrance of the room nowadays.)
Chrome had swiftly closed the door behind her and Tsuna had been standing before she had made even one step in his direction.
"Boss - There were some unforeseen happenings in sector 13-A. Gokudera-kun reported more men than we expected being present and some minor explosions - before the connection broke off," you noticed her biting her lip out of the corner of your eye, but you solely concentrated on Tsuna, "We weren't able to contact him since then."
You hadn't seen Tsuna look like that ever before. You think something died inside of him when Chrome told him only these three sentences.
It wasn't like when Lambo had gone missing or on that day Reborn's death had been confirmed. No, you think you saw Tsuna's heart break in that moment. His very soul splintering into thousand tiny fragments.
For you, it was horrible. Your breathing stopped for a moment and something in your gut made strange twisting movements.
When he rushed out not even really looking at you while giving you a short apology, Chrome followed him immediately leaving you all alone. You just kept sitting there, staring blankly at the empty chair in front of you.
You knew then you had to end this. This - everything - now felt so very, very wrong. You knew it would only get worse the longer it would go on like this. You had to stop-
But you didn't want to. You kept telling yourself what if Gokudera-kun really wouldn't come back, you really couldn't leave him all alone if that happened, now could you? If he really believed he loved you, wasn't that enough? Wasn't it enough if you pretended this never happened? (But you knew already that you couldn't do that either.)
You liked him, you were happy. You didn't want it to end. So you pushed the thought aside. You refused to think about it.
You couldn't stand sitting uselessly around. You can't stand it most of the time, but you know you aren't of any help out there. You have to stay hidden. You don't want to give Tsuna any more things to worry about. He worries enough as it is, he doesn't need you to be on that list too. So even though he had probably already left, you hurried through the many corridors of the base looking for someone who could tell you what was going on. Or at least the parts of it you were allowed to hear.
You couldn't find anyone. It was unusual and you slowly started to panic. There was always someone at the base. It was never unprotected. You started to think you really didn't want to know what was going on anymore. (But you did as it gave you another thing to worry about, kept your mind off of the wrongness.)
You don't know what exactly you did after collapsing on a kitchen chair, but you remember the moment Tsuna had returned absolutely clearly. It is imprinted to your memory like a short movie-sequence you watched over and over and over again, so often your mind is able to repeat it by itself without forgetting even one single detail.
You had heard them before you saw them. They had made quite a ruckus like always - you had been so relieved that nothing really serious had happened as you heard Gokudera's voice as the loudest of them all. He had been spluttering apologies, too preoccupied with trying to make up for his failure to shout more than a short 'I can walk by myself, you idiot!' at Yamamoto once in a while or to respond to the following laughter and taunting replies like he usually would have.
And Tsuna - Tsuna. He looked so very relieved.
He had Gokudera's other arm over his shoulder and even while he was carrying some of his weight his steps seemed to be light, like something by far heavier had been lifted off his shoulders. He was nearly smiling while telling Gokudera he had nothing to be sorry for. And though he was not really happy, though you saw that he was still worried, that there still were thousand things on his mind troubling him, his eyes were laughing like they hadn't been for so long.
You can remember the hurt you felt realizing that you hadn't been able to make him look like this though you had tried so very hard the last two years, and the astonishment that what you felt mostly wasn't even jealousy but regret.
Even if you didn't realize it back then, you know now that that was the moment you had let go.
Your eyes were a bit wet but you smiled back when Tsuna looked at you. You nodded when he asked you to help cleaning and dressing Gokudera's wounds.
You shook your head sincerely when Chrome asked you if anything was wrong.
It wasn't. Not anymore.