Survivor's Guilt
By The First Noelle
The sofa was old and the design faded, but it was comfortable enough, and clean. Burning embers were all that was left of a once warm fire and the house was starting to cool off as, outside, day faded into night and a crescent moon rose into the darkening sky. Dogs barked nearby and a low, repetitive bass was echoing from down the street.
None of this was noticed by Remus Lupin, who sat in his rented, one story house on the faded couch. He hadn't eaten much in the past few days. He hadn't slept either, as his face was pale and dark circles accented his heavily scared face.
To be truthful, he was in shock. Sirius was dead for what felt like the second time. Once again, Moony was the last of the Marauders. Though the man named Peter Pettigrew may still be breathing, he was not the same person that had illegally learned to become an Animagus to be with him when he transformed. That man had died the minute he betrayed the first Order of the Phoenix.
He really should get something to eat. He really should get something to drink. He should check in with someone else in the order…but why would they want to see him? It was his fault that Sirius had died. He should have tried harder to convince Sirius to stay at Grimmauld Place. He should have stayed by Sirius during the battle. He had seen Tonks fall and had defended her while she was unconscious. If only Sirius hadn't been locked up inside headquarters all year, then he might not have taunted Bellatrix Lestrange, might not have provoked her so. If only…
Lupin jumped slightly as a knock sounded at the front door. He blinked as though he had just woken up.
"It's open," he called, wincing at the sound of his own voice. It was hoarse and rough. When was the last time he had gotten something to drink? He put his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. He didn't exactly want company right now. He didn't want someone to come to blame him.
The front door opened and shut and he could hear footsteps heading towards the room he was in. He heard the visitor stumble, hearing the clatter of a picture frame falling onto a table, hearing the clunking as the said table wobbled on uneven legs. The footsteps stopped at the doorway behind him.
"R-Remus?" said a shaky but familiar feminine voice. He jerked his head up and stood quickly, turning towards her.
"Tonks," he whispered, walking around the couch and over to her. Her face was pale and her eyes blue, her normally spiky bubble-gum-pink hair was now shoulder-length and brown.
"You're all right," he breathed, reaching up a hand to touch the pale skin of her cheek, as if he didn't really believe she was there. The last time he had seen her, she had been lying on a white stretcher, her face as pale as the sheet covering her. He had watched as the MediWizards levitated her away.
It was as if the simple touch on Tonks's face had finally allowed a dam to break inside her.
"Oh, Remus," she gasped as she threw her arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her, leading her over to the couch. Eventually, her crying subsided and she simply rested against him, with one of his arms around her and his cheek resting on the top of her soft, brown hair that was slightly damp from his own silent tears.
"I'm sorry," she whispered softly, her voice still unsteady. He lifted his head and shifted slightly to see her face. She was biting her lip to keep from breaking down again. In the back of his mind, he wondered if she was closer to Sirius than he had thought. Maybe they were more than just friends. He pushed the thought away and shook his head, confused.
"For what?" he said, voice barely above a whisper himself.
"I should have been more careful, finished Bellatrix off myself," she stopped, but Remus didn't say anything. He had the feeling that she still had more to say.
"I-" Tonks hesitated, her teeth biting her lip, and it suddenly hit Remus that, despite the fact that she had just been crying her eyes out, she was very beautiful. He cut off the thought as she continued. "I saw you get hit b-by a green jet of light from Malfoy, and I thought…oh, God, Remus, I thought you had died!" She clutched at his sweater. The green curse had sent him flying into a wall, but he had been up again soon enough.
"Oh, Nymphadora," he began, forgetting to use her surname. She didn't correct him. "I got up. Sirius, he was next to me. He went after Bellatrix. I saw you fall." His voice broke and he stopped, picking up the story from a later point. "You were so pale in the Hospital Wing. And then Madam Pomfrey couldn't revive you…but it's my fault Sirius died. I should have gone after her with him, but I couldn't leave you lying there…" He stopped, realizing that he was rambling. He put a hand under her chin and lifted her face to look into her clear, blue eyes. He shook his head in amazement, as though he still couldn't really believe that she was there.
"But you're all right," he said, his voice again a whisper. His thumb gently caressed her cheek, and suddenly his eyes were drawn to her lips, as her pink tongue gently moistened them. Before he realized what he was doing, his mouth was on hers as he tenderly kissed her.
He pulled back suddenly, blinking in surprise. What was he thinking?! She was in love with Sirius, not him!
He was about to stammer out an apology when her hand pulled him forward and her lips locked with his in a kiss that was certainly not just of friendship, but was kindled with a burning passion. He thought, briefly, that her brown hair now had a pink tinge to it, but then he did not think of much for quite a while…
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