What Too Much Robot Chicken and Family Guy Creates
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the world of Harry Potter, or any and all official characters from the Harry Potter series itself. J.K Rowling, the woman behind the series, owns the series as writer/creator. Bloomsbury and Scholastic have ownership in terms of book publishing world-wide, and Warner Bros. on the movie adaptations of all seven Harry Potter books. I also do not own anything relating or parodying Robot Chicken, Family Guy, or Star Wars-like except in mentioning. Anything else seen as crossover material I have no ownership of. I make no money writing this, I make no profits off this; I only write for the enjoyment and pleasure of writing. I only own any original character(s) in mentioning.
Voldemort leaves the loo, zipping his robes up before leaving, not bothering to close the door. Five minutes later, Gregory Goyle Sr. walks by, only to start choking and gagging when his nose caught a whiff of something wickedly sick.
"Oh my wizard! What the bloody (bleep)? It's like someone ripped off a Dung Bomb out his (bleep)ing ass!"
He staggers away; vomit was spewing from his mouth as he tries to find a cleaner and less foul-smelling loo to barf.
=0=0=0=0=0=
"This isn't the drink I wanted! And I said egg-whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?" A crash is heard from the Dark Lord's crafted throne room. "Make it again!"
The unlucky rookie who was in the room ran out crying, ripping his mask and in a fit throwing it aside. Two others chased after him concerned for the man's hurt feelings. Bellatrix and Lucius stare at the sight that rushes past the two as the Malfoy elder picks up the discarded skull mask and sighed.
"What the bloody hell is this? A dark criminal organization or a club...?" Lucius looks to Bellatrix, and noticed she sported a new braided hairstyle. "What happened to your hair?"
"Oh... those Dementors that fell to our master's side braided my hair," she said, fingering the braided locks.
Lucius blinks. "So... we have the darkest and foulest of creatures ever to be the main force behind our future dark creature army that suck souls for food, and yet they are capable of understanding the finer points of cosmetology?"
"Yup."
Lucius face palms.
=0=0=
"You know," Voldemort says, sitting in front of a camera for the television show The Real Dark Lords on MTV, "that day... dear Merlin... it just wasn't a really good day for me that day. I... I do like the egg yolks, I have no problem, and the drink wasn't bad either... you know, fruit punch with a hint of vodka and cranberry. I... I just have been so tense and stressed out. I mean, one day I hear something about a baby having the power to kill me so I go and kill it, and my magic... shoots back at me and hits me in the chest and making me blow up."
He fiddles with his robe collar. "You know what I mean? Magic killer attack, reflects, and BOOM! Just like that, I'm dead, the baby's fine, and grows up to be a closet emo debated like hotcakes by the Wizarding World back and forth as he goes through his years at Hogwarts. And poor old me, so stressed, even after I killed that Diggory boy in 1995 and had Wormtail use the ritual I planned to regain a new body using Potter's blood. Although if I had known killing that Diggory brat would have him rise up back from the dead as a gay sparkly vampire in America, I wouldn't have ordered his death. So sorry on that, folks..."
He sighs. "Frankly, I know I shouldn't have been so mean to that guy. He was a rookie. A real out of Hogwarts rookie... He just walks up to my doorstep, and said I want to join. And I just accepted him like the many other cannon fodders that would enjoy doing my bidding in the attempts of blood purifying and killing of the muggleborns whom pollute our world with their muggle beliefs. Although I wouldn't mind SOME muggleborns being in our society... maybe some half-bloods... you know, flesh blood can be used just to keep inbreeding from thinning the stronger blood once and awhile."
He then grimaced. "May be too late for the Carrow twins... ugh... just the other day those two had the nerve to have sex on my throne. I paid a quarter of two million Galleons for that chair! Gold and jewel encrusted! It was even custom-made for my arse! And now I had to give it away to Malfoy's whiny brat because they stained it with their junk... it was disgusting..." He crosses his arms, shaking his head as he tries to get rid of the images reminding him of that day. "I have a helpful tip I believe can save you all: when you hear a prophecy that mentions any words of baby, future hero, or power the Dark Lord slash Dark Lady knows not, ignore it! Otherwise, you end up in my situation, know what I'm saying? Also, if you ever feel like some old man was subtly manipulating you in your childhood, murder him, right now."
=0=0=0=0=0=
"And furthermore-"
Voldemort was cut-off by a loud, drawn out, fart... with a squeaking pop at the end of said flatulence. In the gathered crowd, everybody moved away and revealed the one who broke wind: Peter Pettigrew AKA Wormtail.
"Uh... it was him," he pointed his silver finger at Greyback.
=0=0=0=0=0=
Voldemort was fingering his wand as he marches down Diagon Alley, with his Death Eater horde. He was in control and his enemies were running scared and hiding, afraid to face him without Dumbledore alive to save their worthless sheep-herded arses. The ones running the shops hid, or bowed lowly, to the dirty ground, like the lowlife pieces of crap that they were. Their destination was Ollivander's Wand Shop. He had to know about a certain bit of info regarding his and Potter's brother wands. But first...
"LUCIUS! TURN THAT DAMN THING OFF! I AM NOT DARTH VADER!" he roared, having enough of the Imperial March theme playing.
The Malfoy elder pushes the stop on the muggle stereo boom box, thus killing the Star Wars music.
"I thought it'd be funny..."
Voldemort stares at him.
"Just for that, you have janitorial duties tonight."
"What? But it's my house!"
Voldemort turns around again to glare at the Malfoy elder.
"And just for that backtalk, you will be forced to wear a French Maid outfit." He takes out from his pocket somehow one of those maid outfits that one would use for sex cosplay. "Pray I don't alter the punishment any further."
And standing in front of their location, Ollivander's Wand Shop, he marches inside. Lucius grumbles.
"This is (bleeeep)."
The door opens.
"Furthermore, you will for my amusement tonight ride this unicycle while performing your janitorial duties," the Dark Lord said, shoving a unicycle into Malfoy's hands, "I have altered the punishment, pray I don't alter it any further."
Door slams shut, as several rookie Death Eaters quietly snicker behind the Inner Circle Member's back. Ollivander can be heard yelling in pain from being cursed by the Dark Lord.
"I cannot do something that is far beneath my status as a Pureblood..."
Door opens again.
"Furthermore, you will also wear this sheer-styled men's thong with wang attachment that would otherwise be illegal to wear in public alone unless in a private location, in your own home, or at a sex club." The thong he plucks out his pocket and hands to Lucius Malfoy would otherwise be seen as something a sex offender would force others to wear for amusement or pleasure, or could get you arrested for being a pervert. The others behind the Malfoy elder silently keep themselves from laughing aloud when they saw the "thing" glued to the back end of the thong with metal stamped clamps.
And Lucius... was not amused.
"I have altered the punishment, pray I don't alter it any further."
The door closes again.
"This is (bleep)ing (bleeeep)!"
The door opens once again.
"And furthermore Malfoy, Wormtail will whip you on the arse with this Cat-O-Nine Tails if you fail to sing your praise about my strong magical blood and conquest over the Wizarding World." Said sex whip is handed to Wormtail. "I have altered the punishment, pray I don't alter it any further."
The door then slams shut, and the screams of punishment continue inside the wand shop. Malfoy growls, and is about to speak, until he holds his words. Finally, he accepts it and storms off to the side to fume quietly while the other rookies and Wormtail snicker at his misfortune.
=0=0=0=0=0=
Voldemort smiles as he sits down in his new office, which was decorated for his tastes. Everything Slytherin or snake related. There were also several non-magical portraits of some dark wizards in European history on the walls, or famous killers that in a way he could relate to in his evil heart and dark fragmented soul. Behind him, as he shuffles through the parchment documents, was a portrait painting of him sharing a mug of muggle beer.. with the Super Devil? Yeah... you read that correctly. The Dark Lord knows the Super Devil...
He taps his wand on the new symbol of the MOM, the miniature icon that was the new fountain that was erected over the old one in the main lobby.
"Attention mud bloods, dark wizards, dark witches, and Death Eaters! Today we are having Mexican for lunch in the cafeteria, so be sure to bring Pepto Bismol, while for our captured mud bloods from the Voldemort Watch Gang, you will be served gray unflavored prison gruel in a wooden bowl before being shipped off to Azkaban. The substantial reward for the capture of Undesirable Number One, Harry Potter, will be increased by fifty percent. So it is first come first served. He must be ALIVE! I cannot stress how important that is. His mud blood friend and the blood traitor I don't give a (bleep) about if they die or live. That is all."
He removes the wand and the magical intercom goes quiet. Out the mail slot a paper-folded pigeon flies in and unravels, detailing a report for the Dark Lord. He clears his throat a bit, and reactivates the magical intercom with the wand again.
"Also, I have a report here that is urgent. Will the owner of a red ash Ford Angelina please park it somewhere else? It is blocking the side entrance and exit to Diagon Alley next to the Leaky Cauldron."
=0=0=0=0=0=
Voldemort broke into the fabled prison where Grindelwald was locked up.
"Old man! I've come for- holy crap!"
"Hey! What the hell!"
Grindelwald was "spanking the monkey" while reading a Playwitch magazine.
"Oh... I'll come back later," Voldemort said, siding back onto his broom and flies away.
=0=0=0=0=0=
"Stewie, what are we doing here again?" a talking anthromorphic dog questions, watching Death Eaters with no background working mindlessly doing menial tasks where later on in the series will be one of many who have either died or are carted to Azkaban when Voldemort dies in a more permanent manner.
"Oh nothing Brian, just having a little fun... Besides, if something goes wrong, we'll just teleport to a different dimension again," replies Stewie Griffin.
Suddenly two Death Eaters whom had their identities stolen barge in, interrupting the business.
"There! They stole our costumes! They're intruders!" the one guy with glasses yells.
All wands are drawn on the dog and the baby.
"And we're gone," Stewie says pressing the button on his device.
Spells are fired but in the nick of time, Brian and Stewie are whisked away by the device our favorite baby genius had, teleporting them into yet another dimension.
=0=0=0=0=0=
Draco and his two goons (secretly butt buddies) were walking down the hallway after they snuck into the BDSM Room, when they stopped by a half open loo door. The three peek in, curiosity getting the better of them, only to see the Dark Lord sitting in front of a mirror. The three boys made a horrific discovery! His back of the head had exposed robotic circuitry! Two metal hands lower down holding something, and snap on his head some sort of... fake skin that adheres to the missing portion of the back of his skull and around the top area. Small jets of steam hiss out from the ears as the arms rise up into holes, and Voldemort's chair revolves around so he faces the loo door. The three boys back up as the Dark Lord gets up, and without a glance or change of neutral-like expression, leaves the loo and walks away. For that moment from when Voldemort turned around to leaving the loo, a short tune of The Imperial March played, before the Dark Lord turns the corner and disappears from sight.
=0=0=0=0=0=
Voldemort and his Inner Circle arrive at the house where his nemesis, Potter, lived. They break inside, wands and spells ready, only to discover no one was home. Well, someone WAS home. Three dead bodies with insanely wide smiles stretched beyond human ability and no Boy-Who-Lived...
"What the bloody hell is this?"
The Dark Lord rounded on Snape. "Severus! What is going on? You said the boy was going to be here!"
"He was, milord! Honest!" the man sweated.
Voldemort growls glaring at his Potions Master, before turning and storms into the room. He stops when he noticed something on the floor. He bends down to pick up what looked like a letter. It was stained with a green residue from within the envelope. The only thing on it was the broken sticker of a madly-grinning Joker emblem and on the front was TO: Dursley Family written in a loopy chicken scratch writing.
And the letter nearby he magicked up with his wand held a message.
Hello freaks!
Remember a Mr. James Rogers? Well it's me and you stole money from my disguised persona. So Harley helped me write up a letter expressing how hurt I was when you embezzled more than half a million Euro, whereas I could be using the money (In American currency, mind you) coming up with crazy plots to kill the Batman. So, enjoy smiling in hell!
Mister James Rogers
AKA
The Joker
In Arkham Asylum, Joker sneezed, before he breaks out into mad hysterical laughter.
"Someone must be talking about me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
And where was Harry Potter during all of this? With Hermione... yeah... Guess what they were doing, and it's not doing homework together. And what happened with the Order of the Phoenix and their plan to use the Seven Potters Polyjuice routine? Magically hidden, they were arguing about who left the stove on in Number Twelve Grimmauld Place as said residence continued to burn while firefighters were trying to kill the blaze.
=0=0=0=0=0=
A Death Eater wearing a white mask with a single red triangle on the forehead was waiting for the old-styled elevator to close its doors inside the Ministry of Magic. With the light side on the run and the MOM now under the Dark Lord's command, soon he will be able to get a promotion and not be forced to do menial crap jobs around the Ministry.
"Hey! Hold the door!"
The man looks to see the Dark Lord rushing, panting and out of breath. The masked wizard rapidly presses the close button.
"Hey! I see what you're doing!" Voldemort yells, seeing the man force the doors shut, "I'll kill you for this!"
The Death Eater flips the bird. "Eat my robes!"
And the door slams shut, making Voldemort grunt in frustration whilst stomping his foot in an angry fashion. "Damn it... shouldn't have left my wand in the Minister's Office..."
=0=0=0=0=0=
Harry looks up and sees Hermione return to their tent and camping area at the Forest of Dean.
"That stupid mother (bleep)er! He (bleep)ing left us!" she yelled.
"He didn't come back?" Harry questioned, concerned a bit.
"No! He just left us, Harry!"
He hugs her, holding the girl close as he brings her back into their magical wizarding tent, and zips the door shut. She keeps holding onto him as they sit down on the couch.
"What a bloody prick... we should do something to him if we ever see him again."
She looks up to him. "Like what?"
The look she received in response made her heart twinge oddly enough in comfort. Elsewhere, returning home to his family for the wonderful food and desire of a warmer bed and blankets, Ron felt a chill creep down his spine. He didn't know Death was following him, waiting impatiently while staring at his pocket watch.
"You poor idiot ginger," he mutters, waiting for the redhead's time of passing as he follows Ron home. Of course, he couldn't be seen or heard (except by Luna Lovegood), so Ron never knew of his extra guest.
=0=0=0=0=0=
"Can I have a raise?"
Voldemort stares at the rookie wizard.
"Show me your arm!" he hissed.
Voldemort sees his trademark tattoo on the man's arm, and he calms down a bit.
"Fine. Just sit down and wait. I have something important to deal with first."
And the Dark Lord marches off, leaving the man who (unknown to the Dark Lord) had door ditched him in the lobby a day ago standing there. He looks behind him, before grabbing the empty secretary's chair and sits down. Fifteen minutes later, he gets up and heads to the nearby men's loo, while Bellatrix and a Dementor snuck by and enters into the nearby broom closet.
Ding! The doors open and the Dark Lord exits out into the semi-busy main lobby.
"Milord!" A nearby Death Eater greets with a fist to chest salute.
"Go (bleep) yourself," the Dark Lord said, walking past without a second glance.
The man slumps, feelings hurt.
As Voldemort walks, looking for a free Floo Network to use, many Death Eaters salute to him, but he didn't care.
"Milord!" The Death Eater Yaxley greets with a fist to chest salute.
"Go (bleep) yourself," the Dark Lord said, walking past without a second glance.
Nope... this one's under construction... another is being used as a entrance for captured muggleborns.
"Milord!" A female Death Eater greets with a fist to chest salute, while keeping hold of the spiked chains wrapped around each muggleborn's necks.
"Go (bleep) yourself," the Dark Lord said, walking past without a second glance. The woman and her two partners look at one another, wondering what was wrong with their lord and master.
=0=0=0=0=0=
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Snape roars with all the fury in his heart, casting the sickly green beam of death, striking the horrified (and betrayed) Dumbledore. In an instant, Snape's true comrades watch the life get ripped from the old man's eyes as he collapses, and hidden by the Invisibility Cloak, Harry's magically silenced scream of shock is unheard.
Snape lowers his wand, feeling renewed for his deed, as he casts a dark look on Draco, who flinches. "That is how you use the Killing Curse, boy." He then walks over to Dumbledore's corpse that was half hanging over the edge of the destroyed wall, and unzips his pants. The others stare in surprise as the trickling stream of pee is heard.
"Severus what are you doing?"
"I had to piss for a bloody hour now! I need release!"
Dumbledore in his death was peed in the face. After Snape was finished using Dumbledore as a chamber pot, he kicks the old man over the edge and watches him plummet to the ground.
"Let's go," he said, walking past the group that parted for him.
"... That was gross," said Crabbe Sr.
The only person who found that funny enough to snicker was Goyle Sr.
=0=0=0=0=0=
"Alright old man I've returned and..."
Voldemort stared as Wizard Undertakers were looking back at him. Grindelwald was in a body bag, and it was half-zipped.
"What happened?" he questions.
"He died of masturbation," one of the German wizards said.
Voldemort stared. The German wizards stared back, some too shocked seeing the British Dark Lord making his second break-in into the prison.
"(Bleep)!" Voldemort swore, "Now how the (bleep) will I know where the (bleep)ing Elder Wand is located?"
=0=0=0=0=0=
"Ginny?"
"Yeah, Harry?"
Harry looked to the ginger-haired Weasley.
"Look... what I'm going to do... it's going to be very dangerous..."
"Why can't I go with you?" she asks.
"Ginny, you're needed here. Okay? Besides, the only reason I wanted to talk to you here in private is because I need you to handle things at Hogwarts in my stead. No doubt Voldemort's going to manipulate and imprison Hogwarts. You and the rest of the DA have to stay together and protect everyone else whom are against the Death Eaters."
Ginny then nodded.
"Alright... I'll stay."
He smiles softly, and hugs the female Weasley.
They part and he leaves first, leaving Ginny to her thoughts as she sits back down on the small couch by the small window. As Harry walks down the attic stairs he spies Hermione waiting for him at his guest bedroom door.
"Well?"
He closes the door, after inviting Hermione inside the room. "She won't follow us."
She sighs in relief. "Good. I don't want her to taint you."
Harry nodded. "Yeah. Can't believe she had sex with half of Gryffindor's male population JUST to make me jealous all of last school year..."
=0=0=0=0=0=
"Hey, wanna see me tempt fate?" Voldemort then says sarcastically, "Oh, just how could this get any worse?" He then looks to the no-name Death Eater. "See what I did there? Said it in a sarcastic manner so... I'm safe."
The no-name Death Eater stays quiet, as the malfunctioning A/C continues to blow freezing cold air down on the Dark Lord. "Find some bloody idiot to fix this piece of muggle crap," the Dark Lord ordered, pointing to said device magically stuck to the ceiling.
ONE HOUR AND A PORTKEY LATER...
"Hey! Put me down you bloody bastards!" Voldemort shouted angrily, all tied up with rope, cuffed with runic magic-suppressing cuffs on wrists and ankles, his wand has been snapped, and on the side of caution he was bound with metal wires. He screams as Harry, Hermione, and Ron tossed him over the side and he falls to his death at some random active volcano in the Pacific Ring of Fire location.
"Oh wow, Harry! Hermione! We did it! We defeated the Dark Lord!" Ron cheered.
And then Hermione booted him in the rear, thus sending him careening to his own death, screaming.
"That's for abandoning us in the forest you jealous wanker!" she shouted.
Harry watches as Ron Weasley plummets into the magma and vanishes rather quickly under the extreme heat.
"Want to go to Australia, find your parents, and live there for the rest of our lives together?"
Hermione beams.
"Sure thing, Harry."
They hold hands, and vanish with the use of a second Portkey.
In a flash, Death arrives.
"Well, kid, time to go."
A ghostly Ronald Weasley floats up. "What the hell? They murdered me!" He then noticed Death, and freaks out.
"Hey kid. I'm on a tight schedule so I'll be quick. I'm the Grim Reaper, you're dead, and I'm here to send you off to hell for abandoning your friends and attempting to steal Harry's girlfriend from him by being a jealous prat. Now, if you'll go through this portal so I can hurry." He rips a portal open with his scythe, "I got another soul to take."
"No! I don't want to! You must be a Death Eater in disguise!"
Death groans, before knocking him out by clocking him hard upside the head with the blunt end of his scythe, and then booting Ron's soul into the fiery portal to hell. Voldemort rises up from the lava, dead. He didn't see Death because his back was turned to the scythe-wielding reaper. And, even in death, he was still a whiny loser.
"What the bloody hell? Potter you son of a-"
Death knocks him out cold as well before casting him into hell, where oddly enough he'll spend eternity as the dorm mate to Dumbledore.
"I finally caught you... heh... now for my next appointment."
In another flash, the portal and Death vanish.
Yes... on February 4, 2012, they had the Star Wars-themed block on Adult Swim. Robot Chicken, Family Guy's episode "It's A Trap!"... All three Robot Chicken Star Wars, and three episodes of Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series). I was bored and well, this is what I wrote up out of my own imagination while chowing on hotdogs, rippled potato chips, and watching the Adult Swim Star Wars Marathon.
As you can also see, much of this was done in random order... nothing truly had to make any form of sense, but is supposed to bring laughter. I hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading, and please review~
The very same man who door stopped the Dark Lord sighed. He was still sitting on the chair, waiting for Voldemort to return.
"Stupid wanker... where is he...?"
Another sigh and he fools around with his Death Eater mask, making it spin smoothly on his index finger as if it was a basketball. He then gets up, kicking the falling mask to the wall. It doesn't break since it's made of metal.
"Screw this! I'm going to New York and joining a different criminal organization!"
He leaves the hallway in a huff, entering the nearby elevator and disappears. A minute later, the broom closet door opens and Bellatrix peeks out. Then, a Dementor peeks out as well without its robe on.
"Call me," she says to the disrobed dark creature, leaving with a bold smile on her face. Once the dark creature was sure Bellatrix was no longer in sight or within earshot, the Dementor took out a bone-made cell phone and dials in a number.
Ring, ring...
Ring, ring...
Ring, ring...
Ring, ring...
Ring, ring-click...
"Hello?"
"Hey dude, I just totally banged that Bella chick."
"The human girl with the sparkly vampire and slutty werewolf horde from Forks, Washington?" was the reply.
"No, no! I mean the psycho chick that followed Volde-something or whatever his anagram name was!"
"Oh, no way! Seriously, bro?"
"Dude, totally serious!" the Dementor said, getting dressed.
"Dude! I didn't think no one would bang her! Aww man! Everyone's going to be pissed you won that Soul Pot, bro!"
The ghastly dark monster from hell laughs.
"Oh yeah! I'm that awesome! Bro, listen, once I get back, let's gather everyone involved in the Soul Pot over at Hell's Kitchen and share a round of drinks while I rub it in all their faces I did the impossible!"
Laughter is heard on the other end of the call. "Alright, dude. See ya in a few."
The Dementor snaps his cell phone shut and pockets it, making sure he was presentable before gliding out of the broom closet.