Disclaimer: I do not own any recognizable characters, they belong to SM. Also, I wanted to express that this story formed from a O/S that I wrote for the Pick a Pic challenge. I will not be posting the O/S yet. That will be something I may or may not show until the end of this, just so you know. Please enjoy!

~TAE~

Buried deep within the confines of my chest was a constant nagging ache. It was always the worst when I found myself alone.

There was something freeing about not having anyone around to see me when I broke down from the overwhelming pain that I was constantly consumed by. For just a few moments every day I could allow my walls to crumble, because there was no one around to see what I kept hidden within my dark and twisted depths.

It was a constant battle to keep it all in when everyone was watching me, waiting for the angry girl to finally snap. In these quiet moments I took for myself, there was no one around to witness the tears I allowed to fall in order to have a small release from my pain. While the moisture rolling down my cheeks was a good way to let it out, it also managed to make me feel pathetic and weak; two things that I didn't want to feel on top of everything else.

But how could I not? How could I not feel the pain, when, even though it happened months ago, it felt like yesterday…

~TAE~

The sun was setting on the horizon, the last rays of light reflecting over the ocean. It was a beautiful sight and I regretted not taking the time to admire it more often. Sighing, my eyes drifted to the large bonfire that was being lit. It was a celebratory graduation party for the seniors in La Push; a party for the entire tribe to attend. While I was excited I survived four years of hell, my happiness was dampened by other things, one of those things my 'I'm going to disappear for two weeks and come back for the party' boyfriend that had me circling through an array of emotions.

First, I was drowning in worry because he magically disappeared overnight. I was freaking out after the first few days, unable to understand what was going on. It got to a point where I was making myself sick worrying about him.

Next, there were a lot of painful thoughts. I could have understood his departure if he told me he was taking off for a little while, because then I wouldn't have to wonder where he was. But no, he left me without so much as a goodbye, which hurt like hell. Did I mean nothing to him?

Finally, when the pain dulled, I was consumed by anger. How dare he make me feel so unimportant? How dare he just leave? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bury the anger I felt, though I wasn't sure I really wanted to conceal the rage.

Right now none of those feelings mattered because I was trying to remain numb. I didn't want to bring them up on a night where so many people were around, enjoying themselves. Most of the older citizens of La Push had gone home; there were only parents and slightly older children left to enjoy the rest of the night's festivities. My mom and dad were around here somewhere, most likely with Billy Black and Charlie Swan. Chief Swan was always invited to these events, probably because two of his best friends were on the Tribal Council. Lucky him, I thought. Who was I to ruin this night for all the partygoers with my sour mood?

My thoughts faded away as the fire finally picked up and emitted a little warmth as the night cooled. A small smile graced my lips as I watched the flames flicker, engulfing the driftwood that was currently being tossed in. I was sitting close enough to the bonfire that I was basking in its illuminating glow. As the flames danced higher, creating more warmth for me to relish in, my previously weak smile increased. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone approaching me. I didn't care who was coming and kept staring at the fire, but the moment the figure plopped down next to me, I realized it was my little brother, Seth. He nudged me a little with his shoulder, and I returned the gesture.

Seth and I always got along despite the age difference between us. Unlike most siblings, we were always close. There were moments of bickering, screaming matches and even mini brawls in the backyard, but it never stopped us from coming to each other when we needed a shoulder to lean on or an ear to complain in. For all the grief we gave each other, we had a seriously strong bond, one I didn't think anyone or thing could break. He really was the best little brother in the world - not that I had another one to compare him too, but I just knew it, even if it is a bit biased.

When he nudged my shoulder once more, I looked over at him. He offered me his cheeky smile, one that would have girls falling all over him before long. I arched my brows slightly and his smile grew as wide as it would go. After a moment he turned to look at a group of kids who had been trying to get his attention since he had sat down beside me. His eyes returned to mine with a silent question. Knowing what he wanted, I gave a nod of my head. He hugged me tightly and unexpectedly before running off to throw a football with his friends. A small little laugh escaped me as I watched him, but my attention soon returned to the fire.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, mesmerized by the sight before me, but I eventually snapped out of my reverie. A lot of parents had left and only a few lingered around, keeping an eye on their children. One nearby father handed his son a red Solo cup, and I could only guess what kind of liquid the plastic held. I decided to get up, picking up my empty soda can and tossing it in the bin as I passed it. Without much thought, I began to slowly wander down the beach.

A few of my fellow graduates threw random "congrats" at me, and I returned them in kind. After walking several minutes at a snail's pace, I stopped. I took note of several people sitting around, but they weren't what currently had my attention. No, I was focused on the man and woman that were standing together in a fashion that I could only describe as intimate. Their faces weren't distinguishable at this distance but it didn't matter. Their lips were moving, but I was too far to hear the words they whispered. I managed to take a few steps forward, shrinking into the shadows in an attempt to not draw attention to myself. When I came to a spot that allowed me to see their identities, my blood ran cold.

There, standing so closely together was Sam, my boyfriend, and my cousin, Emily.

Tears instantly began to form. I tried to understand what I was seeing, but I couldn't. Everything happening between them was in slow motion for me; it also seemed way too intense for two people that barely knew each other.

Then I saw her arm moving slightly and it brushed against his large one. I heard what sounded like thunder echoing through my body as the first crack in my heart formed. Emily sucked in her lower lip and bit it slightly, and he smiled at her. There was more thunder indicating the next crack, followed by intense pain. The wind swirled around them, and when a strand of her traitorous hair whipped in front of her face, his hand came up and gently tucked it behind her ear. As he was bringing his hand down, he stopped to cup her cheek; it lasted far too long. The actions continued and I could feel every blow they caused inside of me.

My tears were falling freely after mere seconds of watching this scene. I felt like an outsider looking in, unimportant and unwanted.

In the following minutes I realized I had lost the man I loved. The way he looked at Emily was how he used to look at me. Now my cousin was on the receiving end of his adoration, his awe. Slowly they continued to lean into each other. My mind tried to prepare me for what I was about to witness, though no amount of preparation could prepare me for what I felt when their lips met. I could feel my own lips quivering as my tears began to fall faster, harder. At some point my hands rose along my body until they covered my eyes in an attempt to stop the visual. It was too late, though, because the memory was already embedded deep within my mind.

While they kissed, I felt nothing at first, but then it came, moments later. My heart was still cracking and then, suddenly, it felt like all those imperfect cracks were hit with a hammer. I could feel each piece as it fell, turning to dust inside of me.

I felt incredibly weak, broken, and completely betrayed by two people who meant the world to me, two people I never thought would bring me such immense pain with their actions. Knowing what they just did would stay with me for the rest of my life.

Someone came to stand beside me. I felt their presence, but I couldn't remove my hands, which still covered my eyes. I simply couldn't handle the possibility of seeing them still entwined with one another. A soft whisper broke through my pain.

Seth.

Seth was calling my name; he was trying to break through my clouded mind. It took me a moment to try pushing the pain and image away, but when I did, I finally dropped my hands. It dawned on me that Seth was in front of me, blocking my view. His eyes were sad, concerned.

Looking past him, I realized that Sam and Emily were frozen, staring at me. She looked horrified at what was happening, her hand over her mouth and eyes wide. He looked expressionless, but there was a hint of remorse in his eyes. When my eyes directly met his, I realized at some point I started to feel empty and numb. Emily took a step forward. As I turned to face her, I wasn't sure what was written on my face, but it stopped her. Before anything else could happen, I turned and ran.

I didn't bother to look back, because the damage was already done.

~TAE~

They thought I didn't care about anything, but I really did. My first phase showed every one of them just how badly Sam's relationship with Emily had hit me. It killed me to know the pack had a firsthand account of all the nights I spent lying awake, because I couldn't stop thinking of him. They saw all my darkest thoughts and felt the crippling pain constantly devouring me. This resulted in each one of them pitying me. Sam and Seth never vocalized it, but it wasn't hard to figure out. I was not an idiot. I heard the hushed discussions, and caught tail ends of conversations when phasing in. They all labeled me as a sad girl who couldn't deal with a broken heart; they all thought I just needed to grow up and move on.

The carefully constructed walls and mental blocks I created were not just for my benefit. It was for the sanity of the pack. I knew I would not want to be stuck in the mind of someone so angry and sad, someone like me. Each one of them thought everything I felt revolved around Sam. They couldn't understand how he managed to cause me so much pain. Not one of them seemed to realize that it wasn't just the loss of the man I thought I'd have my forever with. There was so much more.

My biggest blow came in the form of my father's death. I had to live with the guilt that he was no longer here with us.

~TAE~

Everywhere I looked, someone was sobbing loudly with tears rolling down their cheeks. This is what funerals on television and in movies always looked like. Who would have guessed that Hollywood could get something right?

My eyes drifted around to look at all the different people surrounding the burial site. They were crying, sobbing uncontrollably as the casket make its descent into the ground. My mother was resting her head on Seth's shoulder as she cried, trying to take what little comfort her youngest child had to offer. It made me want to weep for her, for everything our family had lost in the past week. I felt the worst for my mother. She witnessed both her children be stripped of their youth, their innocence. Seth and I, we were destined to protect our people, but it came at a high cost, my father's life. Had I not been 'chosen' for this, he would still be alive.

My father's eyes never left mine as he paled, one hand relinquishing its grip to clench at his chest as he fell to his knees. The reverberating thud rang in my ears as I listened to his heart faltering in his chest. I was unable to move, unable to help. My mother was screaming, trying to jostle her still husband, who was now lying face down on the hard kitchen floor. Her terror-filled gaze landed on me, causing me to shrink back until my hind legs collided with a row of cabinets. My mother's ear splitting cry filled the house as she calmed herself long enough to check for his pulse. The look on her face told me all I needed to know, what my newly inherited abilities were already screaming at me.

The back door smashed open as figures came flying into the room, stilling as they looked back and forth between the different scenes unfolding within the small house. It felt like I was in a nightmare, but I wasn't waking up. A whine filled the silence as Seth crawled on all fours towards our father, nudging his unmoving hand with his nose. My mother shrank back, clearly overcome with shock as she watched everything happen. The back door was still open as one of the shadowy figures turned in my direction. A sudden burst of pain filled me as I realized it was Sam that was staring at me in complete distress.

Unable to withstand the attention now directed at me, I bolted for the backdoor. My stupid paws were unbelievably fast as I charged through the backyard and into the darkforest. With natural ease, I leaped over rogue branches and dodged trees, exerting no effort at all. Soon, I found myself standing on the ledge of a large cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean, watching the waves violently collide at the base. I was wishing that I could throw myself into them so the hostility they showed would drag me under, making me forget the fact my father's heart began to stop when he saw his daughter turn into a gigantic mass of snarling fur in the middle of the kitchen.

I would never forget the look that crossed his face when he took my new form in.

The guilt from his death was something I refused to talk or really think about when prying minds were able to listen in. Seth always tried to tell me none of it was my fault, that I should stop blaming myself for everything. He was a compassionate kid; a fifteen year old with the burden of a miserable sister and grieving mother, which left him very little time to mourn his own loss, but he was somehow getting through this. I wished that I could find solace from his words, that it wasn't my fault, but I just couldn't. He was not in the room when it happened. Thanks to some small miracle he did not see what I did. It was not his wolf form that caused the pain that devastated our family.

That was all on me.

During the funeral, surrounded by crying people, I found myself wondering why this happened. I wished it was me in his place. I wished he could've been there to comfort my mother and support Seth in this awful transition from a kid to a man.

For a moment my heart stopped when my mother clenched my hand tightly as she sobbed. It took me a moment to realize the coffin was now at the bottom of the six-foot hole. The sobs around us grew louder, and the salty smell of tears increased. My head turned, taking in the sight of my brother with tears falling down his matured face, while trying to hug my mother tightly as she cried. It brought moisture to my eyes, but my tears would not fall. No matter how hard I tried to push them, they just wouldn't obey me. It brought out a wave of frustration I barely managed to push down as I felt people shifting around us.

Different members of the tribe and the pack each came by to pay a last respect to my father, a former council member and respected tribal elder. They offered brief condolences to his grieving widow and son. Several people gave me sorrow-filled looks but did not say a word to me. I think the grimace on my face was the reason for the avoidance. As the number of people dwindled down, soon only Billy Black and Chief Swan remained around the site with us. We all stood in silence, gazing down at the hole in the ground where my father would forever rest. After several drawn out minutes, I watched my father's two best friends make their way toward the waiting cars as slight drops of rain began to fall.

My mom untangled herself from Seth, and he went to join the two older men who were waiting. I felt my mother turn toward me, but I couldn't look at her - not without allowing the guilt I felt for doing this to her, for taking her husband from her, to overtake me. She wrapped her unsteady arms around me and hugged me tightly, trying to give me some semblance of comfort, but I felt nothing. I was completely numb. All I wanted to do was hug her, apologize for everything, but I couldn't move, and she eventually released me. She didn't turn to walk away. Instead she waited for me to look at her, which I did after several moments.

"Leah, sweetie," she sighed. "We should go. People will be waiting at the house for us."

I shook my head, unable to find the words I wanted to speak.

"Honey, you can't stand out here all day, it is starting to rain and it won't do anyone any good. Please come home with me, with us," she sighed.

"No," I responded, my voice barely above a whisper. "I need to be here." She wanted to argue, I could feel it, but she didn't. If there was one thing I inherited from my mother, it was the stubbornness.

Soon after they left the rain fell harder around me. It was the perfect weather for such a dreadful day. I kept my eyes locked on the ground as I took a step forward, and my eyes had a clear view of the mahogany colored wood. Two men approached slowly, eyeing me warily as they did. One of them held two shovels as the other removed the green tarp covering a mound of dirt. The sound of the shovel digging into the pile caused my head to snap toward them, a low growl escaping my throat, although it was conveniently covered by a loud clap of thunder. Both men froze, dropped their shovels and backed away, understanding I did not want them to continue.

The sky above me was dark, the rain now pelting me, but I had yet to move. Minutes wafted by, and I finally found myself moving. My dress jacket slid down my arms as I tossed it into the muddy ground beside me, stepping out of my black flats as well. I felt the earth melding beneath my feet as I walked to where the shovels were laying. Without much thought, I picked one up and grabbed a heap of dirt. Something inside me broke as I let the wet earth fall into the hole, thudding lightly as it landed on the coffin. The blissful numbness seemed to life like a receding fog. I continued to move more dirt, and time seemed to stand still as I did so.

Filling in the hole was harder than I expected, but I eventually finished. When I was certain there was nothing left to fill, I allowed the shovel to slip out my now bloody and callused hands. They fell limply down by my side as my eyes drifted closed. When my legs grew heavy I fell to my knees, sinking into the wet earth. My still bleeding hands came up and I buried my face in them, letting every emotion under the sun assault me. As tears started to finally fall, guilt washed over me. I would never forget that I was the reason for his death.

He was gone. He was never going to walk through the front door with a smile on his face after a fishing trip with his friend. I would never again hear his concerned voice as he assured me life always got better. No more of the secret moments he and my mom used to steal when they thought no one was looking, and no more loving embraces for them. Seth would face this challenging time without a father to guide him. He was now forced to be the man of the house at fifteen. They didn't deserve the pain I brought upon them. They didn't deserve to feel this hurt. And it was all because of me. It was always going to be my fault.

I wasn't sure how long I remained on the ground in the rain, but when I came to, the sky was dark. Climbing to my feet, I knew I had to return home and put on a brave face. It was up to me to be strong for my mother and brother, and it was up to me to allow them the time they needed to grieve. I could wait, so I knew I could do this. What I didn't know at the time was how much it would affect me.

~TAE~

Out of everyone I knew, my father was the one and only person who ever understood the intensity of the pain that came with losing Sam. He never once doubted the severity of the grief born from Sam's sudden interest in my dear cousin, Emily. My dad was the one person who always promised me it would be okay, that I just had to patiently wait to find my silver lining. He was the reason I felt a small bit of hope when I thought about moving on with my life, hope I could someday glue all the shattered pieces of my broken heart back together.

But without my father, I still felt completely alone, like I lost the last person who was always on my side. Seth was an amazing kid and a wonderful little brother who tried to be there for me, but I saw the pity in his eyes. Seeing that on him, it hurt more than I ever imagined.

How fucked up was I that even my little brother looked at me with pity?

Extremely.

I had deep-seeded issues gnawing away at me. It felt as if someone was striking me repeatedly with an ice pick. It was like every single hit was breaking off tiny little fragments of ice. At first, the pile was small but as the hacking continued, it grew. Before long I was overrun with tiny chunks, like ice shards in an overflowing pile, melting and refreezing before forming one frigid block of ice.

I was that frigid block of ice, doomed to melt and reform over and over again.