Tarn looked in the mirror, blushing so hard that you could see the flush of energon through his mask. He donned a protoform-tight purple bikini which was covered in stars and decepticon symbols and music notes. His chassis was shiny, like Sirius A, and he was wearing perfume that smelled like warlord musk (megatron's designer brand). "Are you sure he isn't too busy, Kaon?" The justice division leader looked over to his inferior, who shrugged.
"It's as good as any shot you're going to get, Tarn," the electric chair elaborated and sat down on a nearby counter.
"Do you think he'll find my appearance appealing?" Tarn asked, worry in his voice.
"I'm blind," Kaon responded.
"Fine, spare my feelings, then," Tarn exited the changing room in a huff, the energon still not leaving his mask/face.
Outside, Earth's sun was a deadly laser, but in a good way. The entire crew of the LL was splashing around in the freshwater, stealing the entire beach for themselves after telling the stupid, ugly humans to go be disgusting and fleshy somewhere else. It was great, just what he always wanted.
As tarn fidgeted with the lower half of his (super cute) bikini, he thoguht aobut how they all got here. It was simple, really. After seeing that his hero and senpai, Megatron, was captain of the lost light and clearly using all of the pathetic crew aboard, Tarn suggested they all take a vacation from their journey to find some old knights who are probably dead. A vacation on earth. One of the hottest tourist destinations in the galaxy. Who doesn't love Earth, and spending time around fleshies for hundreds of years? Tarn certainly does.
He looked all the way across the beech, past all of the worthless drabble, to goggle at Megatron lying on the sand, attempting to get his tan on. The beefy, handsome, ruggishly old tyrant was wearing nothing but a tight cybertronian speedo. He might as well have been flashing his interface panel tantalizingly in Tarn's face and begging the psychologically broken mech to tear it open.
Tarn fell to his knee joints. "Primus fragging Christ…" he wisppered aloud. How was he going to get someone so handsome and salacious to notice him?
Just then, both Optimus AND Rodimus prime walked over to Megatron and sat on his abdomen anf face respectively. When did OPTIMUS get there? He wasn't invited?! Tarn didn't plan this!
Megatron must have invited him- everybody knows that Megatron has had the hots for Optimus ever since they met at six lasers and were trapped on the ferris wheel together. Now tarn was PISSED. This was supposed to be his moment with Megatron, not anybody else's! He took a long piece of paper out of his pocket (which was inside his bikini), and crossed out Optimus and Rodimus' names only to put them at the very top of the list.
This.
Meant.
WAR.
In the meantime, Whirl shook his hips at Cyclonus, who was refusing to get int he water. They too were wearing bikinies, which were colored after eachother's color schemes. Tailgate sat on Cyclonus's shoulders, wearing a pastel blue bikini covered in stars, he had passed out.
"COME ON, FUCKPLANE, THE WATER'S FINE," Whirl exclamed
"No, it's not," Cyclonus said, sounding extra pompous (but still very musical) today.
"WHYYYYYYY," Whirl tried to splash Cyclonus, but the water went through his thin claws.
"This water is homophobic; I can sense it," The tall not-decepticon replied, kicking sant at the shoreline.
"No WAY, is it homophobic, I'm still in i-" just then, Whirl was rapidly pulled under, and Cyclonus sighed in relief, walking away from where Whirl had been standing.
Whirl was never seen again.
Cyc walked over to Swerve, who passed out in the sand after faceplanting during the obligatory volleyball scene. The taller kicked the minibot, flipping his body over. Swerve shook his head, his optics finally turning online. Swerve was wearing footie pajamas. He was probably dying of mechanical heatstroke, but he felt cute, so everybody let him wear them anyways.
"What do you need, Cyclonus?" he questioned.
"I'm bored," Cyclonus said.
"Well what do you want me to do about it?" Swerve shot back.
"Come annoy Perceptor with me?" Cyclonus gave Swerve the most adorably intimidating set of puppy dog eyes the minibot ever saw in his life.
"Okay," Swerve said, resigned.
Perceptor sat in the shade, having brought almost his entire lab with him, becuase he didn't want to go to the beach and actually wanted to stay on the ship and be a nerd. But nobody else wanted that. He was wearing both a bikini and swim shorts, because he wanted to be extra safe on the beach. He was messing around with some chemical compounts, when Cyclonus and Tailgait and Swerve approached.
"What are you doing, nerd," Cyclonus conjured.
"Nothing you'll understand, you useless lesbian," Perceptor shot back. He was obviously irritated to be at the beach.
"Well, what does that vial do?" Swerve pointed at the test tube before grabbing it and shaking it a little bit.
Perceptor was immediately alarmed, "Dont' DO THAT, you'll-"
An explosion occurred.
But it wasn't anywhere near the four!
They all looked to see Tarn blasting away at Optimus and Rodimus, all while singing Queen's Another One Bites the Dust. His shots were in rhythym with the song.
"Wow he's good," Cyclonus said, little hearts forming in his optics. "Now I must sing in order to assert my dominance," he continued, digging a hole in the ground and placing tailgate in it so he would be safe. Then Cyclonus walked towards the impending disaster.
"So, uh, what does this chemical do again?" Swerve asked, when suddenly the tube begam bubbling over onto his hand.
"It's a living corrosive," Perceptor said calmly as his friend's hand promptly began to melt off (the chemicals laughing evilly while doing so).
Back at the catfight, Megatron watched tiredly as everyone who cared about him proceeded to splash energon on the sand. This was enough. He started prying Tarn off of Optimus, after getting Rodimus to stop using fire everywhere first, of course. "Femmes, femmes, you're all pretty," he said.
"REALLY?!" Tarn squealed, the blushies returning.
"Really?" Optimus said, his antennae things chipped and his mask cracked. His optic was bledding.
"Yes, all of you," Megatron stated firmly.
"Me too?" Rodimus said with a puppy dog look.
"Yes," Said Megatron kissing rodimus on the head.
Tarn growled. "But you belong to ME," he placed his hands on his hips.
"No," Megatron said, walking closer and grabbing Tarn by the waist, pulling him close, his voice a deep purr, "You belong to me." He let Tarn go, and the DJD leader plopped onto the ground, a dumbfounded look on his face. His spike had somehow already unsheathed and pressurized, painfully contained by the lovely bikini.
"Any other questions?" Megatron asked, a smug look on his face.
"Yeah! Why are you such a glitch?" A shrill voice said. Megatron turned around, fear in his optics, when suddenly Starscream crashed into the warlord at a million miles per hour. And….He wasn't wearing any clothes.
Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! What'll happen next? Review to find out.