I don't own Maria sama ga miteru. If I did it would contain swearing ladies.

Rei's story.

The mess begins to take shape

I sit here now, just staring into the space between reality and the shadows of my own mind, barely feeling the snowflakes that are landing on my hands and face, yet being fully aware that the weather is as dismal as my mood. I can see it all spreading out in front of me, beautiful white sheets of snow, the lanterns all lit and letting off a gentle glow that should have warmed me... yet my heart was filled with nothing but a pain that my eyes just couldn't express with tears. The emotion that the event had caused has numbed my soul into nothing. How could I ever feel again when my heart was no longer a part of me?

It had started two days ago. No; scratch that. It had been going on for years to be honest. I had always seen myself as her protector, her knight in shining armour. She was my reason to get up in a morning which is just as pathetic as it sounds to be honest. If I could be there to get her to smile on the bad days, if I could be there for her when she was barely there herself; then I would be happy. I had never needed anything more than to just see her happy. Odd times had appeared when I had needed to touch her cheek or to swipe a lock of hair out of her face so that she looked her best, but other than that I hadn't needed anything more from her. Then she had started to grow up and she wanted to do more than just sit and play with dolls. I had become her real protector. I was always at her side to catch her when she fell and scraped her knees, or when she had over done it and fainted. I had worried a lot; so much, I worried because I was always scared that she would push it too far. I was scared that her weak heart would no longer keep her up. However two days ago he had come into the picture.

She's safe now. She won't faint or over do it now. I'm not her protector anymore. What would she need me for? I'm just her cousin; a friend that she no longer has to rely on. Could it be possible that I had been the one relying on her? All of those things that I needed from her... am I really that weak that, I need a reason to get up every morning? Why can't I be like the others? So many stupid, ridiculous, unanswered questions. The one that took the biscuit though, the one question that ripped me apart inside was... Why in the hell was she attracted to such a weedy little man? Why couldn't she at least be attracted to somebody that could stand up for her? She might not have a bad heart anymore, but she sure as hell isn't fucking invincible. There are other dangers out there other than her health. I just want her to be happy and safe. It isn't as if I want her to be with me all of the time. In fact the more I think about it now. I really need to get a life without her. She isn't everything that I need, she's my cousin and my friend but she can't be the other things that I need.

"Rei-San...?" The voice of an angel slides into my senses and I close my eyes as a delicate hand slips into my short hair.

"You looked so deep in thought that, I was a little apprehensive about coming over to you. What is it that makes you look so worried?" The angel asks and it takes all of my will to lift my head and look into those beautiful eyes. She's looking down at me and I can see the smudge of dirt that is travelling down her jaw to that delicate chin of hers. Why does she have dirt on her face? I take a second to look over her and I see that her top is a little ripped and her skirt is creased. I look lower to where the blood dribbles slowly down her legs from the grazes on her knees. She's hurt and she's worried about my frame of mind? My frame of mind was shattered at the sight of her looking so distressed.

"What happened Yoshino? Why do you look in such a state?" I ask as I rise to my feet and take her into my arms. She is mine to protect, mine to see right by, mine to... Love? Is that what I am doing; loving her? I'm asking myself a question that doesn't have a straight forward answer. I do love her but it is as my cousin and it will always be that way. My heart skips a beat as her slight arms slip around my waist and hold me as I hold her. No it isn't love; it is, but it isn't the love that I had thought it was. I just want her to be happy and safe; I don't care if it isn't me that is causing it.

"He was such a wimp." Her voice is strong and not like she was hurting at all. Was she really that strong?

"Some idiot punks started up a ruckus and he ran home like a baby, a fast baby, but still a baby. He left me there to face them on my own. If you think I'm in a state you should see the other guys." She actually laughs a little bit, as if what she is saying is funny. How could she think it was amusing?

"Weren't you scared?" I whisper. I don't much feel like talking loudly at the moment. She hasn't released me and I'm not about to release her so there is no need to talk in a tone other than a low one.

"I was a little bit scared, but then I remembered that I told you I wanted to see you after my date, so I had to be strong. What were you thinking about Rei?" She asks and as she does she looks up at me. I can't stop myself. My hand moves to cup her jaw and gently wipe the dirt off of her. Her eyes become a little brighter as I try to form words in my head and project them out, but I can't find a sentence that will explain it.

"Rei-San...?" She pulls on my shirt and my eyes focus on her again.

"I was... I feel a little..." I sigh and shake my head.

"It doesn't matter Yoshino I was just daydreaming." I say and her eyes dull again.

"I've never told you this Rei... But I really hate it when you keep things to yourself when they hurt you." She says and pushes me away from her. What have I done now? I look at her wondering what the hell I'm meant to have done to make her angry as she stands there fuming with me.

"You looked so worried and angry and, and... Why in Maria-Sama's name won't you talk to me about it? I'm sick of it. It has always been one way with you. I talk to you about my problems and it helps; I trust you, but you can't even give me that." She snarls and I sit back down on the steps. I prefer it when I'm just worrying about her when she isn't here to hurt me for it. Well there's one thing; now she's back with me I'm not numb anymore. Maybe that isn't such a good thing. I shouldn't be numb without her. I should have a life without her and the thought makes me angry with myself.

"You wouldn't understand Yoshino." I say and get a slap around the face for my words.

"I'm not the kid Rei. You're the one that's acting like a child. You're the one that is bottling things up instead of talking and now you're sulking like a brat."

"Yeah and slapping is such a grown up thing to do to get your point across." I glare as I rub my cheek.

"Oh shut up." She barks at me and I look at her as if I don't know her anymore. I know exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm pushing her away so that I can find my identity without her. Before I was always looking out for her. Now I have to look out for myself.

"Now you're telling me to shut up? I can't keep up with you. You want me to talk and then you're rude enough to tell me to shut up? I can't believe I was ever worried about you." I scowl and she backs away from me.

"I was thinking about everything, okay? I was thinking about how we've grown up together and how I've protected you through the years. I was thinking about how much you have grown up and I've stayed with this stupid idea of protecting you. You've become strong and you've left me behind, and I need to move on and grow up now." I'm not whispering anymore and those beautiful eyes of hers are sad. They are welling up with tears and I force down my need to wipe them away from her. I push away the need I have of making her feel better. She doesn't need it anymore; she's strong enough on her own.

"Rei-San... You're such an idiot; such a stupid idiot. Does it look to you like I don't need you?" She says and I drop my eyes to her bloodied knees.

"Do you want to know what I was thinking about when I was on my date? I was thinking about the look on your face when you saw my date. You looked jealous." Yoshino is quiet and all I can do is stare at her. Jealous...? I wasn't jealous was I? Why would I be...? That has to be one of the most ridiculous things I've heard all month.

"Why on earth would I be jealous?" I snarl and she glares at me.

"Am I really that repulsive to you that you couldn't be even a little bit jealous?"

"What...? Where did that come from? What are you talking about Yoshino? You're my cousin."

"So I can't love you?" She asks and I blush hard. What is she saying to me? I can hear her, and I can see her lips moving, but I can't understand her for the life of me. I don't get it. Why is she pulling me back to her when I need to get away?

"I'm so sick of you right now. I'm going home Rei because you're a plank. You can't even tell me that you don't want me. Who's the child?" She asks before walking away from me. I watch the footprints she leaves behind and I just let her go. My head is hurting too much for me to stop her. What does she want from me? She's my cousin and she just happens to be a woman. It isn't like we'll be understood or married off together like Sachiko and Suguru so what is the point? Why can't she just allow me to do what I want? I get to my feet and kick at the snow before I turn back to face the way she had disappeared. I run after her hoping to get to her before she get's to her front door. I have to make her understand what is in my mind and I have to try and understand what is going through her mind. I run as fast as I can and like the idiot I am I slide on a load of ice at the front of my house. I turn as I fall and put my hands out but I land weird and hear myself cry out in pain.

"Rei...!" My angel's voice shouts and I hold my arm to my stomach as I grind my teeth together whilst trying not to cry.

"What on earth happened?"

"What do you think happened? I was running after you to shout at you for something or other and I slipped. I think I broke my arm."

"Then I have absolutely no sympathy for you."

"For somebody that's meant to love me you aren't being very kind." I growl and she scowls at me.

"You have no idea how much I love you or for how long it has been so. It isn't my fault you're blind."

"You're my cousin and I don't know who I am at the moment."

"You're a plank." She says simply and tears start to pour down my cheeks. I can't hold them in anymore and the drench my face within seconds.

"I'm sorry Rei I didn't mean to make you cry." She says and hugs me to her.

"I'm not crying because you were nasty. I'm crying because I've broken my arm and it hurts; and you're leant on it." I sob and she lets go of me. I'm not that weak that I cry at her cruel words. What does she take me for?

"You always were the more delicate out of us." She says as she takes out her mobile phone and dials a number.

"Hello Aunty, it's Yoshino. I'm outside on the front with Rei. She's fallen and broken her arm. Yes we're sat on the pavement out front." She says into the phone and I roll my eyes. If my parents come out, then I can't talk to her about what I want. Then again it doesn't seem that we are getting onto that subject anyway so what does it matter?

I look back as my front door opens and my mother and father step out and rush at a steady pace towards us. My mother actually looks quite amusing; it seems as if she is waddling towards us. She looks so worried for me before she lays eyes on Yoshino and sees the state that she's in. She immediately picks up my smaller cousin and starts fussing over her and asking her what happened. Yoshino just calmly relays back to her what she had told me and my mother shakes her head in disgust.

"Men these days have no honour or duty when it comes to women. When I was dating your uncle, if a load of men had made trouble he would have defended me without a question." She looks calm and she sounds calm to the untrained ear but the three of us catch the sour tone to her voice. My dad looks down at me with kind eyes and holds out his hand for me to take with my good hand. He pulls me up just as easily as my mother pulled up Yoshino, but then he is a lot stronger than he looks.

"What are we going to do with you hay?" He asks kindly.

"You can't practice at the dojo or do your school work if your right arm is broken... Oh my..." He says as he looks at my arm and sees the blood that is dying my shirt red.

"It looks like a nasty break."

"Father all breaks are nasty. I don't think there is such thing as a nice break for the person on the receiving end." I say and he nods at me.

"Okay then lets get you in the car." He says.

"Darling you can stay here and take Yoshino home." My dad says and Yoshino shakes her head. I watch her braids move from side to side and wonder just what she means by love. When I say love I mean that I love to see her smile and I love it when she laughs, but does she mean it as something more? Does she mean it like Sei loved Shiori?

"I want to go with Rei-San Uncle." Yoshino whines and my dad shakes his head at her.

"You need to get cleaned up Yoshi. You've had a busy night and you need to relax. You can see Rei when I bring her back." My dad says and pats the top of her head before going to the car. I join him and sit in the passenger side as he starts up the engine. I lean my head against the window and close my eyes. To be honest I haven't had that much sleep since I found out that Yoshino was to go on a date. All I had done was worry about it because I had known something would happen. I'm sick of worrying now and all I want to do is sleep.

"Rei... I know it probably isn't something I should be asking; and this is probably a conversation best left to your mother, but I was wondering... What are your intensions towards Yoshino?" My father asks, and my eyes shoot open as I turn my head sharply to look at him whilst blushing with a vengeance.

"Pardon...?" I ask in little more than a squeak.

"Well I don't know if I'm putting 2 and 2 together and getting 75, but the way you hold her reminds me of the way I used to hold your mother, and the way she looks at you reminds me of the way your mother used to look at me." He says and I turn my head to stare out of the window.

"I don't have any intensions towards her other than protecting her, and I'm not even sure that she needs me to do that. I just need to find out who I am before I can do anything, and to be frank, I have never thought about her as anything other than my little cousin." I say in the most diplomatic tone I can muster up.

"I'm not very good with subjects such as this but I have always been there to help you with every aspect of your upbringing. Just know that... Whoever you choose to love, whether it be male or female, I will always be there for you." He says and I close my eyes again. Why does everyone believe that I have a thing for women? I don't do I? Well; there was that one time when I caught myself glancing at Kaori in the changing rooms, and then there was my date with... Maybe I am gay, but then I always wanted to be the perfect wife so where did all that fit into it? I wanted children and a husband and... I really don't want that anymore. It all seems so bland and the idea of it is fine until I realise that I have never been attracted to males.

"Thank you, father." I whisper without turning to look at him. He always had a way of speaking out things that were on my mind even when I couldn't identify them. So what does it all mean? A light doesn't flash in my head and it doesn't all become clear to me. I might be gay and I might just be stupidly confused because it seems like my cousin is that way inclined. Am I looking for something that I shouldn't even be considering; a relationship with Yoshino? Am I taking the easy way out because I have always loved her on a level? I haven't ever consciously thought of her in a sexual manner but now I can see the moments where I had held her and stroked her hair or watched her sleeping... I can't imagine her as anything more than my little Yoshino. I take out my mobile and ring the one person that could possibly understand. I ring the one person that I most probably will regret ringing.

"Sei-Sama...?" I ask and hear her yawn at the other end.

"Gokigenyou Rei-San what can I do you for?" She asks in her typical flirtatious way and I smile as the tension slides away little by little. How is it that she has that effect on everyone she comes into contact with?

"I need some advice. Is there any chance we can meet up next weekend?" I ask and her condemning chuckle turns my blood cold.

"The great Rei needs advice off of a white rose? I feel like all my birthdays have come at once."

"You've never enjoyed your birthdays Sei-Sama." I say and she grumbles.

"Yeah I just realised that as well. Anyway it will be my pleasure to help you out. What is it...? Have you finally put the moves on Yoshino?" She asks and I dumbly gawp at my mobile.

"I have done no such thing and I would prefer it greatly if you didn't talk like that. But you hit close enough to the mark." I mumble and she laughs.

"Are you free on Saturday?"

"Hmm let's see... Well I don't have anything booked in so I'll slot you in for Saturday. What time?" She asks back and I stare at my mobile again. She still has the weirdest sense of humour I've ever encountered.

"How about 2?"

"Sounds like a plan. I'll see you then."

"Okay Sei-Sama. Gokigenyou." I say and she says it back before we hang up. I move to place my mobile back in my pocket but my right arm gets in the way and it hurts like a mother Fer.

"Go careful Rei." My father warns me. I'm sure he's telling me to watch my language instead of my arm because, I bit my lip to stop myself from cursing.

"We're almost there so you'll be fine. Maybe Yoshino shouldn't stay over for a while. At least until it doesn't hurt you when you move your arm." He says and I nod silently.

Sei's POV

More mess

Why is it that everytime Rei stays away for longer than a week I ache? It's as if my life isn't complicated enough with my fondness for little Yumi-Chan; that's one complicated deal right there. I love her like I love all of my friends yet I have a soft spot for her that could drive a major wedge between her and Sachiko. I know that she loves Sachiko and that Sachiko loves her, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to do things to Yumi that could probably get me arrested. So then... If I have these things in my head about Yumi; why do I want Rei? Rei is, and probably always will be, my best friend. She's been there for me ever since she joined the Yamayurikai. Nobody on the council knows that we spend a lot of time together or just how close we are, because for some reason we kept our distance in the meetings. If they knew how close we were then they would probably think that there was something more going on between us; if only that were the case. I don't know what is going on in my head. I think I might be in love with her.

I look at my phone and wonder what kind of advice she could need from me. She's always been so mature so what could she possibly need to talk about? Then again she did say it was about Yoshino, so maybe they are getting together. Why does that make me feel bad?

"So that was the infamous Rei-Chan was it? The best friend that I still haven't met?" Kanata says as she plonks herself down on the sofa and leans down so the back of her head is rested on my thighs. I smile at her as I stroke the loose long dark hair out of her face. Her hair reminds me so much of Sachiko that it's unbelievable; the only difference is that Kanata's is a little bit longer.

"Yeah that was Rei. She's having some problems so, big sister Sei is going to the rescue." I joke and start to feel a little ill. Don't ever think of her as your sister again Sei that's gross. I think to myself. If it's gross for me to think of Rei like that, then what is it like for me to think of Yumi as my little sister? Well they always did call me a pervert and now they have a reason to.

"Hey, where are you?" Kanata draws my attention back to her and I shake my head.

"Right here. I was just arguing with myself sorry." I give her a cheeky grin and she rolls her eyes at me. She's been my flat mate for the past year and still she doesn't know me that well. We're close, don't get me wrong but it's a different kind of close. It's the; shit I got drunk and woke up in her bed, kind of close.

"So when are you going to meet her?" She asks me.

"Saturday... before you ask; no you can't come with. I have a feeling whatever she wants to talk about is strictly confidential." I say and she pouts at me.

"You're no fun. So what are we doing this weekend?" She asks and I grin like a buffoon.

"The same as we do every weekend Kanata. We're going to take over the world." I do my worst impression ever of a really funny British cartoon.

"Nah we're going clubbing because we can." I say and she smiles at me.

"Then you can invite Rei-Chan with you." She says and I roll my eyes at her. I don't want Rei to go. 1... She'll probably be in a tizzy with what is going through her head and 2... I want to keep her to myself. I sound so obsessed. I'm not obsessed with her but, if you could see Kanata you'd know why I want to keep Rei away. Kanata is a stunner and it's that plain and that simple to see. She's approximately an inch or so shorter than me with long black hair and the body of a goddess. Her eyes are pail grey and her bosom is more of a distraction than Youko's could have ever been.

"Will you get out of your head?" She asks me as she pokes my belly playfully. I twitch at the contact because... I really hate to admit this but... I'm really ticklish. It's a weakness I'm not fond of but it seems to keep Kanata amused.

"Sorry... Erm... I'll ask her if she feels up to it but she isn't the type of person for things like that." I say and she raises an eyebrow at me.

"She's a rose for crying out loud woman. You know; the sweet, innocent, catholic school girl squad, that never do anything wrong." I say and she laughs at me.

"Weren't you a rose?"

"I'm an exception to the rule."

"And why is that?" She asks me and I shut up. She knows she's hit something tender with that question and I hate the fact that sometimes she can see into me. I'll get over it though.

"I need to get some sleep." I say in a low voice and she sits up before pinning me down to the sofa. I look up into her shadowed pail eyes and see her soft smile as she gazes down at me. I feel trapped and I hate it. I always did hate being confined.

"I'm sorry I seem to have upset you." She leans down and kisses me on the lips. My mood doesn't lighten at all at the intimate contact but it does make me ache in a more pleasant way. If this is what she wants then I'm more than willing to give it to her. Even if my mind is calling me cheap right now. Why is it that even after Shiori I still have an idealistic view on love? I'm so Naïve it's ridiculous. It's a good job that I'm not attracted to Kanata for anything but sex. She gets off of me and gives me a sly smile. She did that on purpose. She's going to leave me hanging again.

"Goodnight Sei." She says and walks into her bedroom. She isn't in there ten minutes before I hear the vibrations. What is the point in that? I'm right here! Why would she need to do that when I'm willing to do that and more for her? I hear the muffled groans from her room and a shiver runs down my spine and turns into a warmth that spreads through me. I hate her so much right now. I walk passed her room and boot the door before going to my own room. I strip out of my clothes and chuck them to the floor ready for wash day before crawling under my beautifully warm covers. I turn off the electric under blanket and snuggle up until everything except my hands are warm. I don't know why but my hands are never warm. Maybe I have a lack of blood. Ooooh, that sounds creepy.

You do realise that all of these random thoughts are me trying to get Rei and the ache in my groin out of my head. And my admission to that just made them stick in my mind even more. At least I can do something about the ache. I pick up a book off of my nightstand and start reading. At least this way I'm distracted.

To all of you out there that thought I was going to do something rude... Shame on you, you dirty little perverts. Do you honestly think I would tell you in detail if I was to do something like that? Shame on you. Jesus this book is boring the back teeth out of me. Robin Hood? My left arse cheek is more interesting to be honest. Are all English authors so idealistic? Steal from the rich and give to the poor? The guy would get mugged if he tried that around here. Oh well, I guess that it is something fun for kids to read. What I would give to have that back... Not. I like having my own independence and an abundant supply of women around the corner for me. That was... Around the corner... not on the corner... just in case you were wondering. There's a gay bar down the street and around the corner. It saves on taxi fare that's for sure.

Okay that was the first instalation. The next ones will be up withing the next few hours. Sorry about the holiday frolics one it just irritated me like nobodies business.