(A/N): This chapter... hehehehehe... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, God, I had to get that out of my system. Just... don't worry too much, there's another A/N at the end that will explain some things. Oh, geez, this chapter...
Chapter Twenty One: Flib'gical
It was a very useful word, Harry mused to himself, and one of his own creation.
"Flib'gical," Harry said aloud to himself, enjoying the way the word rolled off of his tongue.
The word was defined (by him, of course) as the absolute epitome of incompetence. Something so incompetent that the word 'incompetent' can no longer adequately describe it could be described as 'flib'gical'. For example, Minister Fudge was flib'gical. Team Rocket from the Pokémon franchise was also flib'gical.
However, because of the word's limited use, Harry had decided that he could also use it to insult someone, whether or not they were actually incompetent. For example, "Bob, you're so flib'gical that I can hardly stand to look at you! You're such a flib'gick!"
At this precise moment in time, Harry could say with out any hesitation or doubt that this situation was not merely FUBAR, but flib'gically FUBAR.
"Yes, everything is very flib'gical right now." Harry continued, sagely scratching his nonexistent beard.
It had all started when the student body had returned from their vacation.
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Harry was glad that he hadn't been given a detention upon returning from school. When he'd questioned McGonagall about it, she'd just said "Fuck it, I am not letting a repeat of the Kitty Drug Incident happen."
He wasn't sure exactly what the 'Kitty Drug Incident' was, nor why his being in detention might cause a repeat of it, but decided that it was probably something he didn't need an answer to. After all, it was getting him out of detention. Who was he to question it?
"Harry, something's wrong." said Aurore, tugging at his sleeve and looking nervously around the Great Hall (the only place in HPMP where shit actually happens).
"Really, what is it?" he asked her, wondering what was going to happen now.
"There's a group of people wearing weird black cloaks outside the door." she answered.
"Again?!" he shouted. "I swear if this is another time-traveling me from a post-apocalyptic—" The huge double doors to the Great Hall were thrown open with an echoing BOOM and six figures in cloaks strode purposefully in. "Oh, for the love of God, what is it this time?"
A very, very loud, very cheerful distorted voice echoed across the hall.
"HELLO EVERYONE!" the voice echoed. "Wait, hold on, let me get rid of this stupid voice altering spell."
The residents of the Great Hall stared on with a variety of emotions, most of which originated from shock.
"Oh, that's better." said the voice, now sounding like a normal human being. No, sounding almost exactly like Harry Potter. "Now, where was I? Oh, right, HELLO EVERYONE! IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN!"
"Who are you?!" one of the braver students called, probably one of the stupider ones too.
"Oh, YES! That's right, I've never introduced myself to you all. We are:"
"Flirty-Bop!" exclaimed one of the cloaked figures, throwing down their hood to reveal a slightly older and decidedly prettier Hermione Granger.
"Exclamatory Dog Poo!" said another, also lowering their hood. It was Neville.
"Fire Hydrant of Magenta!"
"Fire Hydrant of Indigo!" Oh, God, it was the twins.
"Burning Fuzzbag!" The shortest figure lowered their hood, revealing Aurore, except a bit taller.
"And, Regurgitative Diphthong!" finished the final figure, revealing that they were actually Harry Potter and bowing to the crows. "And together, we form—"
"The Inusarutorisarunetatsumihitsujinetoratatsuumiuhitsujineushifuinichiniisanyongorokunanahachikyujujuichirou!" All six members of the aforementioned organization cried out the last bit together, though none of them managed to say it at the same speed, so it ended up sounding like a bunch of nonsensical flibbertigibbet.
"However, you may also know us as:"
"Hermione!"
"Neville!"
"Twin Number One!"
"Twin Number One and a Half!"
"Aurore!"
"And, Harry Potter!"
There was sheer, dumb silence to great the members of the Inusarutorisarunetatsumihitsujinetoratatsuumiuhitsujineushifuinichiniisanyongorokunanahachikyujujuichirou. In all honesty, they'd worked very hard on that routine and nobody had even clapped!
"You bitch!" cried Harry (the one at the Ravenclaw table, not Regurgitative Diphthong), standing up from the bench and pointing his index finger very rudely at the other him. "Why did you do that? Don't go revealing my secret identity!"
"Shut up, you flib'gick!" said Regurgitative Diphthong. "You don't even know me!"
Harry looked down, chastised by the admonishment of his older double.
"Excuse me, Mr. Diphthong," began Dumbledore. "but how is it that there can be two of six of my students?"
"Fuck you, that's why!" said Regurgitative Diphthong, showing a very rude gesture with his two pinky fingers and a ring.
"It's because we traveled back in time... from the distant future of 1992." answered Flirty-Bop.
"Ah, I see, continue then." said Dumbledore, returning back to his seat.
Suddenly, before Harry could continue, he was interrupted as Professor Quirrel came running in through the open doors, screaming his head off and galloping over tables and students. Slowly, the image of Quirrel was replaced by a very pallid man with red eyes who wore long, sable robes, cool sunglasses (but Harry could still tell the color of his eyes because of logic), a golden chain neckless, and large black headphones with a skull that had a snake coming out of its mouth emblazoned on the side. He finally stopped screaming nonsensically and began to shout.
"Hey, yo, DJ 'Demort is in da hoooouuuussseeee!" he exclaimed, lifting up one hand in the victory V sign and rocking his head to the music in his headphones. "Can I get a 'yeayuuuuh!'?"
"YEAYUUUUH!" all of the students in the Great Hall (with the exception of the Inusarutorisarunetatsumihitsujinetoratatsuumiuhitsujineushifuinichiniisanyongorokunanahachikyujujuichirou) responded.
"Wow!" said one of the Ravenclaw's sitting next to Harry. "It's DJ 'Demort! I never thought someone so famous would come to Hogwarts. He's, like, the coolest guy ever! But he hasn't been seen since Halloween of 1981."
"Yeah, okay," said Harry, still glum from the chastisement of his doppelgänger.
"Cheer up, Harry!" insisted Aurore. "You can't be in the dumps when DJ 'Demort is around!"
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Harry acquiesced. "But what on earth is that smell?"
"You're right..." Aurore trailed off, sniffing the air. "It smells almost like... wet dog."
"GroooaaAAAAARRRRR!" A giant, furry, three headed dog burst into the room, followed by a troll and seventeen acromantulas.
"Crap, what do we do?!" shouted Dumbledore. "There's a three headed dog, a troll, and seventeen acromantulas coming in!"
"Never fear!" Regurgitative Diphthong exclaimed. "The Inusarutorisarunetatsumihitsujinetoratatsuumiuhitsujineushifuinichiniisanyongorokunanahachikyujujuichirou is here!"
"Right!" shouted all of the other members of the group Regurgitative Diphthong just mentioned previously. "Let's go!"
Regurgitative Diphthong pulled out a strange ball that was white on the bottom, red on the top, and had a small button in the middle. He then chucked the ball at an unsuspecting first year, upon which it opened up in a flash of light after the first year collapsed in pain.
"Go, Darky, I choose you!" he exclaimed.
Out of the ball, a strange blob of inky gel or some other such substance emerged. It gargled in some strange, inhuman sound before something that was either its head or its rear end (or maybe it was a limb?) turned to face Regurgitative Diphthong.
"Darky, use sludge bomb!" ordered the leader of the Inusarutorisarunetatsumihitsujinetoratatsuumiuhitsujineushifuinichiniisanyongorokunanahachikyujujuichirou. It just continued to stare at him. "Umm, tackle? Use toxic? Umm... Dark Pulse!"
Meanwhile, a three headed dog, a troll, and seventeen acromantulas were prancing about the school, casually gobbling up students and generally having a good time. The troll, in particular, was very pleased because it was able to smash people. Last time, it hadn't gotten to smash people.
"Florenzo Exima!" cried Flirty Bop, holding her wand out threateningly. The frail piece of wood then erupted into flames. "Yes! I did it!"
The students, seeing as most of them were teenagers, were all far too focused on jamming out to DJ 'Demort to notice the three headed dog, troll, and seventeen acromantulas pigging out on their friends. It should be noted that DJ 'Demort also did not seem able to perceive the dangerous creatures gallivanting around the Hall while members of the Inusarutorisarunetatsumihitsujinetoratatsuumiuhitsujineushifuinichiniisanyongorokunanahachikyujujuichirou tried valiantly and failed utterly to stop them.
"Overpowered Archaic Spell Number Thirty Seven!" Dumbledore boomed. "Summoning: Outer Realms!"
Meanwhile, in the Naruto universe, while one of the huge battles was going (not important which one), Kakashi used his Kamui ability, which crossed streams with Dumbledore's totally legit spell. In a huge flash of neon pink light (because it was Dumbledore's spell), they all vanished and reappeared in various places around Hogwarts Castle.
All of the important ninjas all found themselves in the Great Hall though, watching as strange creatures devoured children. Suddenly, all the creatures were killed in a rain of kunai knives because ninja powers. Suddenly, Dumbledore realized that he needed something to combat the ninjas now that the beasts were gone, so he cast the spell again.
...And then Katniss Everdeen and Peeta arrived, except they were all killed instantly by the ninjas because they had no super powers. However, Regurgitative Diphthong managed to capture Peeta in a pokéball before he was totally annihilated and began to force rare candies down his throat by the dozen, much to his gurgling protest.
At the same moment, Darky (the dark-derp pokémon) swallowed Naruto whole, proving that, yes, he was actually a living creature capable of movement and not a ball of slime. However, as the power of the nine tailed fox spirit rushed through its nonexistent veins, it began to mutate into something truly horrifying.
"Magenta!"
"Indigo!"
"Our powers unite!"
"Super Fire Hydrant Attack!" The twins charged haphazardly at a surprised ninja but booth tripped on the bottom of their long black cloaks, causing the ninja to shrug and disregard them.
Suddenly, a thrown ninja sword (because everyone knows that ninjas throw swords) struck DJ 'Demort right in the skull, but he was immortal from the philosopher's stone BS, so he just pulled it out. However, the distracting presence of the ninja sword caused him to stop singing and glare at the ninja who'd thrown it.
All of the students in the Great Hall turned and pointed their wands threateningly at the person who would dare to stop DJ 'Demort in the middle of his rocking. Spells flew by the hundreds and the ninja keeled over from the abuse. Done with that, DJ 'Demort began to rock again and the children's bloodlust was sated.
As the last rare candy was upchucked violently from Peeta's mouth, a radiant light began to emanate from around his form. A strange music began to sound throughout the hall, building up in speed and intensity while Peeta screamed through the terribly painful process of evolution.
Huge, pixilated words faded into the air above the staff table, though few people seemed to pay them any heed. They said: PEETA has evolved into... CHALLAH!
Instead of an admittedly handsome barely legal teenage heartthrob, there was now a giant loaf of knotted challah bread with eyes and a mouth. The newly christened Challah belched and a huge swath of blazing fire erupted from its mouth.
Challah learned Flamethrower!
"You poo, I poo, everybody poos." chanted Exclamatory Dog Poo. "Upon such fundamental unity among mankind, send me thy blessings, oh lord of defecation. Way of the toilet number thirty six: Shit Storm!"
A massive wave of, ehem, excrement crashed down from the enchanted ceiling of the hall, resulting in some very dirty hair and clothes of course, DJ 'Demort and his wild fans were all having too much of a blast to notice the abrupt load of feces that covered them.
Thankfully for the disgusted readers in another dimension that hypothetically could exist because, for all anyone knew, their entire world was just a freakishly insane fanfiction, the waste was vanished by an overpowered cleaning spell from the headmaster. Dumbledore only liked natural excrement, thank you.
Darky, the dark-derp type Pokémon had finally finished with its mutation process and was now ready to unleash hell. Instead of a giant blob of inky black... substance, it was now an even giant-er, fox-shaped blob of... substance, and it was powered with chakra and... dark things!
"Challah, use attract!" commanded Regurgitative Diphthong.
"You should've waited before shoving candies down my throat if you want me to use that move looking like this!" snarked Challah, blowing Mr. Diphthong a raspberry with his baked and delicious tongue.
Darky, now more cognitive than pudding, realized that Regurgitative Diphthong had a new Pokémon (well, sort of Pokémon-ish thing...) and grew wrathful. How dare it be replaced by a fire breathing loaf of bread?! This meant war!
Using the evil chakra of the nine tailed fox spirit, Darky unleashed a very flashy technique that blew the entire hall to smithereens, along with all of the ninjas. All that remained were Darky, Challah, the students and staff, DJ 'Demort, and the Inusarutorisarunetatsumihitsujinetoratatsuumiuhitsujineushifuinichiniisanyongorokunanahachikyujujuichirou.
Burning Fuzzbag then used her strange plot-given and unexplained magic to teleport Darky to the moon, where it would live out the rest of its days in peaceful solitude until Avatar World made a screw up and a tribal princess became the moon.
Now without any distractions, all were free to jam out to DJ 'Demort's sick tunes. The teachers had surrendered an sense of maturity before and so felt no shame in enjoying the beats. On the other side, the Inusarutorisarunetatsumihitsujinetoratatsuumiuhitsujineushifuinichiniisanyongorokunanahachikyujujuichirou were all sent back to their own time as the time travel spell timed out. As for the rest of the Hogwarts residents, well... it was DJ 'Demort...
And so they jammed on throughout the night and on to the next morning until eventually, their muscles sore, their energy depleted, dehydration set in. Death came swiftly, turning the castle into one huge mausoleum. The Hogwarts area was cut off for one quarter mile in all directions as the ghastly process of identifying and removing the bodies went on for months.
Oh, and then the ghost of Harry Potter came and declared the entire situation to be flib'gical, this fulfilling the requirements for the haphazardly written In Medias Res at the beginning.
Oh, and Voldemort became immortal lord of the DJs for all eternity.
THE END
(A/N): Okay, so, obviously, this is not the real chapter twenty one. It's an April Fools surprise. This is here to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about this fic. The real chapter will replace this in a few days, and this will get its own fic for those of you who wish to revisit the sheer insanity in here.
Oh! Also, the second paragraph was partially taken from a rifftrax, so credit where credit is due. It just fit too perfectly for me not to add it in.
Remember not to be flib'gical!
—Fasiah