IIIIIIIT'S…THE VIVIENNE VINDICTO SHOW!
The cameras began to roll vigorously as the glamorous woman stepped down from the enormous swell of the audience. She brushed her bob haircut back and cleared her throat.
"Hi and welcome back to the Vivienne Vindicto Show. And today is our Happy Families special, and welcome to Part 2. This is me, the eponymous Vivienne Vindicto. Has your man been cheating on you with his gorgeous Swedish PA? Is your teenage child clapped out on heroin? Call in using the number currently on your screens because let me tell you we'd love to hear from you."
She tossed her hair back again and made her way onto one of the armchairs, falling back on her 'uber-comfortable' armchair. Settling down, she re-adjusted her cue cards and sat back. Aah, that's gorgeous, she sighed in her head. If only my producer were that comfortable to work with and sit on when necessary.
"Our next family whose lives need a fair bit of straightening out is a large extended family living in New York. Folks – THE OLYMPIANS!"
The audience shrieked with excitement, a Mexican wave coursing along the front row. That had to be pre-prepared, Vivienne thought to herself.
"And our first guest is just one of the many members of this remarkable family. Straight from Manhattan, born and bred, please full-heartedly welcome fourteen-year-old Percy!"
The audience went wild again. Oh, stuff that, she thought irascibly, it's just a skinny teen with acne. I've seen junkies with better looks. Great, the kid is getting cocky, as she looked across at Percy, who was giving the audience the full showman package (bow, wave, jig etc.)
"Thanks, seriously!" he yelled over the screaming hubbub. "Hi, mom!"
This is meant to be the representative of the great American public. Possibly this is one of the most derogatory shows I have ever hosted.
"Anyway, Percy," Vivienne sighed. "You and several of your many cousins have called into the Vivienne Vindicto Show, hoping to sort out your resolutely troubled family life."
"We sure did."
Cocky bastard.
"Then you have come to the right place. Can you tell the studio audience what exactly is wrong here?"
And keep it quick, arrogant swine. You're making my ratings go haywire.
"Well, my family is always arguing-" So does everyone's, kid, get over it. "My dad never really has time for me-" Oh, wow. "My mom's marrying again-" Any further and this could be a Disney movie. "-and my entire family are always at each other's throats!" Welcome to modern society, how long will you be staying?
"What an amazing family!" Yep. You guessed it. I did get A at Sarcasm. "I think it's time to meet another member of this family. People – a round of applause for Annabeth!"
And with any luck, she'll be better. I'll be handing in my resignation any day now. Ah, yep. She looks better already.
"Hi, Viv!" the blonde girl said as she settled down on the sofa, unusually close to Percy. Good to see somebody does recognise that I do exist. But sweetie, come on, you can do a lot better than him.
"Hi."
"You didn't say you were coming," Percy muttered.
"Surprise," Annabeth intoned darkly.
Phew. She doesn't love him. I think I'll do a dating show when the ratings plummet so badly. Or sign up to one of those cheesy reality TV programmes just for a publicity stunt.
"So, Annabeth, what's your perspective on what Percy has just offered us?"
"Well, Seaweed Brain gets nearly all of his facts wrong as usual!"
"Hey!"
I'm warming to her already. That might be because she's not off her head on the magic mushrooms.
"So where has he gone wrong?"
"For a start, our other uncle Hades is always held up because of people congestion so he can never get near enough to either of his brothers' throats." Wit. And charm. Daytime television has never been so blessed. "And Poseidon has a busy work life."
"Hmm. Drama, tension, confinement and traffic jams. Just the stuff we love to hear here on The Vivienne Vindicto Show! And now I think it's time to get outside the family for an entirely different view on this situation. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big hand to our next guest, Mr Grover Underwood!"
More applause. No surprises there. Please God, Vishnu, Allah, Buddha or whoever's listening, I promise to come to church/mandir/mosque/temple every Sunday/any other day morning if you let him not be a cocky twerp. Delete as applicable.
"Geez, there's only so much space!" Percy complained as Grover entered. And now you're bitching about my studio, little boy. And I rule the roost here, not you.
"Move up then!"
YOU GO, GIRL!
"Hi, Viv!" Grover exclaimed. Blimey, he's drooling. That could either be very sweet or very disgusting. Personally, I'd prefer the former.
"Hi, Grover. So you've been a friend of the family for a long, long time now."
"Yup."
"So you probably know as a bystander a lot about this family."
"Of course."
"Would you say that the Olympian family has problems?"
"Blimey, that's an understatement." I feel too charmed to feel offended. "The Olympians have had family problems since before the Big Bang!"
"Since the Big Bang? It's an old family, then?"
"Don't let Hera catch you saying that!" Annabeth warned.
"And that's enough of the children. Now, I think it's time to meet the apparent source of this dysfunctional family's problems! Give it up for the Twelve Elder Olympians!" I could swear I'd heard that name before. "Hi, Olympian family! Now-"
"Hold on, Vivvy." the guy with the badge saying 'Apollo' Watch it, buster. I'm married. "Can I say a few words?"
"And by that he means three lines of a haiku," his twin, apparently called Artemis, interjected.
"I don't see why not." This lot can't defend themselves to save their lives anyway. But it'll be funny watching.
"Ahem!" Apollo cleared his throat.
Te-le-vis-i-on
Doesn't it feel a waste when
Cruising with Vivvy.
This guy is a serious twit. "Why – erm – thank you."
"I thought of a limerick too!"
"Spare us!" Artemis groaned.
"Now, Zeus," Whoa. It's like the Sopranos here. "You have been described as the root of this family's problems."
"WHY, YOU IMPUDENT – DAYTIME TV HOST!"
That is below the belt. Seriously.
"Calm down. I'm here to ask the questions."
"THEN STICK YOUR QUESTIONS WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE!"
He makes the stoned druggies sound coherent.
"SHUT UP!" his wife snarled. "JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THE KING OF THE GODS, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T LISTEN!"
"IS THAT TREASON?"
Do they hire these people from soap operas? Oh, Vivienne, your hearing was good while it lasted.
"Would you both please calm down?" Vivienne attempted to step in. And step out, Viv, you have no idea about what you're dealing with.
"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" a man who looked like a biker bellowed. "FIIIIIIIGHT!"
No, backtrack a second. Scratch hiring people from soap operas and put in dragging them in from heavy metal bands.
"Would you all please calm down. We're here to discuss family issues!"
"What good is discussion when you can actually do it?" the biker bellowed above the racket of Zeus and his wife. "FIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"
Geez. Psyched.
"Ares darling, calm down," a woman said, so obscenely done up in make-up and artificiality that she could have been a walking beauty parlour. You calm down with the make-up, hon. "Oh, Vivienne darling! My gosh, I'm so pleased to meet you! I watch your show every day and I love it! The drugs and the booze are a bit depressing but the romance, especially the unrequited love stories, is succulent! I'm Aphrodite by the way. A fan. I'm sooooooo pleased to meet you!"
Oh my gosh! I'm depressing! You're irritating!
"I'm glad you're a fan. Now-"
"I could tell you a thing or two about romance." Can this woman keep her face shut for three seconds so I can breathe? "I'm practically the goddess of it all! Anyway, before you go back to my Greek tragedy of a family, tell me this – don't you think that Percy and Annabeth are such a cute pairing?"
She began to make heart shapes using her two fingers. And some of us use our fingers for sticking down our throats when somebody else mentions something so disgusting.
"Whhh – Oh yes, I'm – er – sure. Yep. Seeing that love radiating off the pair off them." At present they were trying to break apart Poseidon and Athena, who were repeatedly whacking each other with Vivienne's cushions. MY SPECIAL CUSHIONS! "Yup."
Never did the bitter edge of sarcasm taste so sweet. Hold on – is that Shakespeare?
"Those two's names were written in the stars for one another." She frowned suddenly. "Or a fanfiction website on the Internet. I can't remember which."
The hydrochloric acid burning at the back of my throat is urging me to chuck over your outfit. Oh well – those colours don't match anyway.
"I'm glad you agree, anyway. I simply adore them!" she squealed.
Sis, you just made a bad day worse.
"Do you? Anyway, I – "
"WELL, POSEIDON!" Zeus thundered. For some reason those two words felt connected. "AT LEAST I DIDN'T HAVE TO WOO MY WIFE WITH A BRIBED DOLPHIN!"
A bribed dolphin? Is that what men use to steal-and-flog-for-a-sizeable-profit girl's hearts nowadays? I got by with a Kissogram.
"YOU-!" Poseidon was waving his stolen Vivvy's-Comfy-Cushion threateningly. Okay. Poseidon and waving went together too. Perhaps I should become a poet, with all this prose.
"WELL AT LEAST HE DIDN'T TRICK HIS WIFE INTO MARRIAGE BY PRETENDING TO BE A CUCKOO!" Zeus' wife snapped. A cuckoo? "AT LEAST HE DIDN'T MARRY HIS SISTER!"
INCEST? LIVE TV? SCOOP
"YEAH!" Poseidon retorted.
Can this guy only manage one-word sentences?
"Dad, you're embarrassing me on live TV!" Percy whined.
If it takes you down a peg or two, I'm all for it.
"Take it back, Hera!" a dark-haired woman with an owl looking suspiciously housebroken (I don't know why) barked. "Zeus is worthy!"
An incestuous, erotic, tyrannical maniac? Yep – seeing your point…
"Mom! You're making a fool of yourself!" Annabeth shouted.
Tush – that's what all teenagers are screaming.
"The goddess of wisdom never makes a fool of herself, Annabeth," she replied smoothly.
Like daughter, like mother, I suppose.
"You've been saying that for the past three millennia!" a girl who looked about twelve, with a bow slung over her shoulder, yelled.
"ZEUS IS A TWO-TIMING, SEX-MAD WOMANISER!" Hera yelled.
This sounds sad, but I can't get enough of this? What? I'm a daytime TV host!
"HERA IS AN INTERFERING, MEDDLESOME BUSYBODY!" Zeus shouted.
I hope the cameras are still rolling. This is tabloid explosion powder.
Let's face the true facts
Artemis is the younger
I am the older
That was petty, in a poetic kind of way.
"READ UP ON YOUR MYTHS YOU BISEXUAL IDIOT!" Artemis replied.
The folly of youth
I could not help myself then
But I made up books!
"That was me!" a young man dressed in a postal outfit shouted. "I INVENTED LITERATURE!"
"You put the 'moron' in oxymoron!" Annabeth's mom shouted.
Okay, I am confident of this one thing. It cannot get any worse. Hold on – that's what they say in Disney films just before it pours down with rain.
"BROTHERS!" a loud, deep voice echoed from the entrance to the stage. A tall man dressed in dark robes stood there, surrounded by seemingly rabid dogs that seemed to have sprouted extra heads. "ZEUS! POSEIDON! PERSEUS JACKSON! PREPARE TO TASTE DEATH FROM THE LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD!"
Oh my bloody gods
Hades has arrived with dogs
I know what to do
The so far haiku-spouting teenager ran a hand through his sandy hair and bellowed one word:
"RUN!"
"RELEASE THE HOUNDS, SMITHERS!" Hades bellowed.
"Who's Smithers?" Vivienne said, standing up on the sofa as the hounds swarmed around, snapping at heels everywhere.
"I BELIEVE IT'S A POP CULTURE REFERENCE!" screamed the producer as several hellhounds started to digest her boots.
Okay, Vivienne. Breathe now. Everything is absolutely fine. There are demonic Chihuahuas tearing around your studio right now, but it's all fine. There is perfect solution to this.
Brushing her hair back, re-adjusting her collar and pressing the microphone to her lips, she bellowed over to the nearest camera.
"Okay, it's time for another break. When we come back after the interval – MY FAMILY ARE SUPERNATURAL – we talk to the Addams Family in the third and final part of The Vivienne Vindicto Show Happy Families Special! I'm Vivienne Vindicto – see you after the interval!"
She quickly leapt off the couch out of the reach of the jaws of the hounds. Screaming and clattering along the stage, she lunged out of the stage door, and slammed it behind her.
Well – it's not every day you get attacked by demonic Shih Tzus.