To my dear friend Anna.
I own nothing.
Also: As you will surely notice, I was kind of influenced by The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey whilst writing this piece. I tried to pay a little, and very humble homage to this film here - hope you don't mind ;)
When the cold of winter comes,
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun,
We will walk in bitter rain.
But in dreams,
I can hear your name.
And in dreams,
We will meet again.
(Howard Shore – In Dreams)
"Thor! You stupid..!" Loki cried out as he managed to yank his slender body out of his big brother's reach just in time.
"Stupid? Am I?" The elder, broad-shouldered sibling frowned half-heartedly. "I just want to see it!"
"Tyr, protect me! See what?" Loki asked and slid behind the trunk of an old oak.
"Loki!" the young, fair-haired prince demurred loudly and threw himself forward to catch his swiftly moving companion.
"But it's forbidden between the brothers, did you know?" the dark haired Trickster pointed out from a stout branch just above Thor's head; but high enough so the blond could not grab Loki by the arm the latter let hang down mockingly.
Loki yanked the limb up then, giggling at Thor's fruitless efforts to reach him. "Besides, you've seen it enough times before."
"Your filth is sometimes worse than Fandral's, did you know?" Thor scowled.
"Filth?" Shifting along the branch so he could lean back against the tree trunk Loki drew his dark, delicate eyebrows together. "Wait – are we speaking about the same thing?"
"Stop it right away, brother." Thor demanded sternly, taking a few steps back so he could view his misbehaving sibling. "I know you have received another gift. From our mother."
"And what if I did? Don't you think she intended it to be a secret since she gave it to me in secret?"
Thor remained still at that. Frowning deeply, he hung his head. "I have never kept anything secret from you, brother."
"That's true. Because you're not able to."
"Loki!" Thor bellowed, crossing his arms before him.
"All right!" the younger brother puffed in annoyance. "But only because listening to your whining is too painful to take any longer."
"I'll make you pay for this." Thor claimed, jabbing a forefinger in Loki's direction.
"Oh, I'd love to see you try…" Loki teased but eventually swung down the tree branch as swiftly and easily as an acrobat. They both sat down under the tree then.
As soon as they nestled their backs against the ancient oak, Loki sighed. "Well?" he asked, tilting his head in Thor's direction and raising one impatient eyebrow.
"Well – what?" Thor asked, confused.
"I thought you would try to guess." Loki explained calmly.
"Loki, can we skip the riddle part just this once?" The blond one grunted. "You know I'm not good at it."
"But that is why I never want to skip it." Loki grinned slyly. "Besides, you deserve a little punishment yourself."
"What?" Thor gasped, clearly unpleasantly surprised. "Why?"
"You just left me alone, you remember? In the deep forest. I was calling your name… And you just left." Toying with a blade of grass, Loki explained. He tore the blade off then and slowly, he began weaving it around his long fingers, watching his work closely.
Not answering, Thor rested his heavy arms on his bent knees and lowered the sky-blue eyes. He let his bearded chin go down to his chest as a deep wrinkle appeared between his fair eyebrows. The long locks of golden hair fell slowly and gracefully to his face. Loki turned slightly and watched it all sideways, silent and cautious so his elder brother would not notice. But then he looked ahead and up, crossing his lean legs and relaxing against the tree.
Was it just him or did the sun suddenly appear to move hastily along its usual journey over the Realm Eternal? It almost seemed to be attracted by the shiny surface of the vast sea, as if it craved to lean over the high mountains and look at its own, rippling reflection there. And it would; fueled by this superficial longing, the blazing wheel of fire would eventually fall over the rocky ridge and kiss its illusionary twin only to drown in the dark, dark depths.
The forest at their backs started to whisper the song of its secret language as thousands of leaves fluttered with the crisp wind coming from the sea. The grassy hillside underneath them waved with the soft gusts.
"I know, Loki." Thor began eventually, his voice low, deep and moved. "You don't have to remind me. But have you ever considered how much it hurt me to do so in the first place? I knew you would return victorious and as a man grown to us. But I also feared for you. Trust me, brother; I received my punishment the moment I left you there."
"Oh did you?" Loki muttered, looking down. "I was just so… I thought it was the revenge finally. My punishment for what I've done. And I felt anger. And also fear. But then, the anger was gone, and only the fear remained. Wild, insane fear. It burned inside me like the sun today. Am I – am I craven, brother?"
"Craven?" Thor lifted his head. "Wait – what revenge are you speaking about? Punishment for what?"
"For Baldur." The young prince revealed quietly, dropping his gaze.
"What?" Thor gasped, taking Loki by the shoulders, forcing the latter to turn to face him. "Loki, look at me!"
"Thor, I saw him!" Loki insisted. "When I reached the heart of the Dead Forest, I was starving so much I could barely keep walking. I heard things… I could not even tell the real noises from those in my mind. And then he came to me. He walked beside me, asking me to save him. And then…"
"Then?"
"Then he grasped my hand and pulled. He demanded that I go with him."
"Loki, why didn't you tell this – "
"To father? Are you insane?" Loki exclaimed. "But… the dead cannot be saved, can they? As in, revived. So why would Baldur ask me to? It was a punishment, was it, Thor?"
"Loki!" the older sibling bellowed to stop the younger prince's outburst. "Listen to me now. Listen carefully. It was a long time ago. And you are not responsible for what happened. I thought we had settled it – "
"No, Thor! I am!" Loki cut in. "I am!" He shrieked, much to Thor's astonishment and shock. "I felt so jealous of him! I could not stand his boasting any longer, can't you see?" His face reddened with rage, and the green orbs started to water. "That's why I agreed to that stupid bet. I knew it would end up badly, but nonetheless I agreed." Loki's features finally broke at that point. The tears welled up and overflowed. But nevertheless, he kept on explaining, not able to stop despite his constricted throat. "I wanted him embarrassed before everyone, but most of all I wanted him to suffer. But…" A withheld sob came out finally.
"But..?" Thor uttered, his eyes fierce and demanding. "Go on, brother."
"But I did not want him dead." Loki continued in a lower tone as the hot tears ran down his face. "I did not know the arrows had been made of the tree infested with mistletoe. I did not want him to die like that." He said and hung his head. "I can still hear him scream."
"Yes." Blue eyes pointed to nowhere, Thor mouthed. Yes, he could as well. "And what about me, brother?" He asked then, turning his gaze back to his weeping sibling. "I was there, too. I was the eldest. I could – no, I should have stopped it. But what have I done? I just watched. Believe me, Loki, you are not the one to blame. You are not responsible for what happened."
"Then why has father always been angry with me all this time?" Loki insisted, his voice hoarse with despair and pain. "Why does he hate me? And why did Baldur come to me? Why would he ask me to save him? Did he not enter the halls of Valhalla, as father told us?"
"I cannot tell, Loki." Thor answered quietly. "You should have told mother. I am certain she would have found an explanation. She would have consoled you."
"No. She'd cried so much back then," Loki recalled. "I couldn't tell her about him."
"But Baldur is gone, Loki!" Thor said, squeezing his brother's arms firmly to emphasize his statement. "And you are here. You are her son, too. Mother would have had understanding for you if you'd told her. I know it."
"Yes… perhaps. But now…"
"I am right here." Thor stated calmly, offering a light, careful smile.
"Then you do not… blame…"
"No." the blond one shook his head resolutely. "I don't blame you, Loki. I never have and never will." He confirmed and cupped his brother's face to brush his massive thumbs over the wet cheeks. He smiled again as Loki did, too.
"But I'm not supposed to be a crybaby, right? Not anymore." The dark haired sibling asked; the usual mischief and vitality almost back to his eyes and undertone.
"Not anymore." Thor sighed, wiping away his little brother's tears diligently. "But mother once told me that a warrior should shed his tears whenever there's something that needs washing with them."
"Is our late brother a reason enough?"
"Of course." Thor answered without hesitation. "And perhaps… Perhaps he wanted just this. Your confession and tears." He added and pulled Loki closer to hold him in his arms. He smiled with joy as the two slender hands wrapped around his neck, too. Watching the sun fall over the mountains to meet the sea, he waited until Loki's breath became steady again.
"Now, what were we talking about earlier?" Thor said then.
Loki stirred. "About riddles." He replied and wrung out of his brother's embrace.
"No!" Thor moaned, pretending to be irritated by the mere thought. "So you haven't forgotten?"
"Of course not, dear Thor." Loki grinned. "And where's the promised consolation by the way? As a dutiful elder brother, you should have squeaked happily at my suggestion."
Thor rolled his eyes. "All right." He sighed. "Bring it on me. I'm all ears."
"Anything you wish, my lord." Loki muttered, his cunning gaze digging into the blue orbs as he took Thor's hand in his, palm up. The green eyes glittered with mischief and challenge.
"I have no beginning, have no end
And yet, you can close me in your hand."
Loki recited just above a whisper, smiling lightly, his eyes never turning away from Thor's. "What am I?"
Thor shook his head, a playful smile playing on his lips, too. "I know this one. I'm supposed to know the answer…"
"Come on, oaf head. This one's older than father himself!"
"I…" Pursing his lips, Thor's frowning gaze wandered up to the tree crown. "Why are you holding my hand by the way?" he asked then, as if realizing something.
"Guess!" Loki demanded, leaning in.
"Is it a part of the riddle?"
Loki rolled his eyes then. "You know, brother, this is not even funny." He moaned and placed his own hand in Thor's unfolded palm.
The blonde warrior blinked once, and then once again. Yes, there was something more. Something tiny and firm, something cold, something round. Yes, this must be - "A ring?" He tried, searching his little brother's face.
The latter did not answer, he just raised his hand to reveal the obvious – a small ring made of shiny white gold, bearing two precisely cut gems: a diamond and an emerald. They were both placed into an opening where the ring had been split and the resulting two strands of white gold formed an eye-like shape before meeting again. The larger of the stones, the diamond, represented the pupil of the eye.
Or more precisely, it could have looked like an eye, but the emerald disturbed the picture. The green gem was considerably smaller than the diamond, and was placed just beside it. As if there were two pupils in one eye.
But strange as it seemed, the ring gleamed in the afternoon light, the gemstones reflecting it and transforming it in countless fascinating ways, perfectly beautiful and beautifully perfect.
"This… was the gift from our mother?" Thor asked at last.
"Yes." Loki confirmed neutrally.
Examining the thing closely, Thor frowned. "The colors suit you, but it is too tiny – "
"Yes it is. Because I'm not the one supposed to wear it."
"Who is, then?"
"Mother requested that I give it to the woman that rules over my heart."
"To the Lady Sigyn, then?" Thor's eyebrows went up as his face suddenly brightened; unlike Loki's, however, whose features seemed to have stiffened. "Or..?" The blond prince added then.
"It doesn't fit Sigyn's finger." Loki uttered, trying to keep his voice composed.
No it had not, Loki knew because he had already tried. Lady Sigyn might have been supple of body, slender of waist and gentle of manners, however, that did not change anything on the fact that she was a trueborn Asgardian woman, a member of an old, noble and proud house. Underneath her soft beauty and gentleness, she was tall and strong, just as any other of her family. He had expressed his apologies and dismay that the ring did not fit her, however, he had hidden from her the rest – what that truly meant.
But what that truly meant in fact? The ring of this size could not fit any Asgardian woman. Did his mother want to tell him through this ring that he would never find a lady to rule over his heart? Or that he had not a heart any lady could rule? Or…
"Do you think mother intended to separate me from Sigyn with this gift?" Loki voiced one of his suspicions.
At first, Thor remained silent, just viewing the changing reflections of light on the mysterious ring in his hand. "We both know mother's opinion on that. Father is against you courting her, but mother not. She has always supported you. Why would she turn against you like that?"
"Father might have persuaded her."
"No. Mother has her own mind and even father cannot change it if she does not let him."
"Then why? Why would she give me such ring for my lady? Why would she do that?"
"She sees many things we don't. I cannot tell, brother."
Of course Thor could not. Loki knew, he had known from the beginning. His older brother was not the one to offer the desired answers, but he had another talent. Unintentionally, he would always enlighten the right ways to the right conclusions.
"She sees…" still rolling this statement over and over on his tongue, Loki kept creasing his brow in thought. But then he turned to Thor, question in his bright green eyes. "Could it be that she saw her?"
"Who?"
"My lady. Do you think mother saw her in her visions of the future? She could have seen us together and… she noticed that my lady's hands were tiny, with very slender fingers. So she gave me this ring as to let me know how my lady was going to be like."
"There are not such tiny women in Asgard." Thor pointed out.
"No. No there are not." Loki agreed, taking the ring in his long fingers, viewing it in detail.
But then he slid to the side, the bark of the tree trunk peeling off under his back as Thor had just jabbed his giant elbow into his ribs. "Then perhaps we'd better prepare for a quest to the dwarves, what do you say?" The huge blond prince offered heartily.
"Are you crazy?" Loki snapped, returning to his former position. "Have you ever seen a dwarf female?"
Thor frowned. "Oh why? Are they not pretty?" he said in a mocking tone, not even trying to hide it.
"No, of course not. But first of all, my dear brother, they are as stout and squat as the males. Including their fingers. They are like – "
"Juicy sausages?" Thor filled in, snickering and smiling widely upon realizing he had just made Loki laugh.
"Yes, something like that." The younger prince nodded as he chuckled quietly.
"So," Thor sighed, "seems like we can rule out the dwarves. What's next? Wait, let me think…"
"Thor, please…"
"Wait! Wait… These two gemstones… why two? You prefer green color – then the emerald is you. And if the emerald is you, then she is the diamond. But why is she so much bigger?"
"I don't – "
"I know! A giantess! A giantess with thin fingers."
"Thor!"
"Well, my dear brother, I always knew you were weird, but this…"
"Shut up!" Loki lashed out, lips twisting to a smile though, and punched his big brother in the stomach. But he might as well have tickled him there; it seemed to have the same effect. The older one just laughed and catching Loki by the wrist, he resumed his mockery.
"Or what about the giant octopus that is rumored to live in the bay under the Rainbow Bridge? The tips of its tentacles are thin enough – "
"And what about a mortal?" In an unsure voice, Loki cut in suddenly.
"Or, uh…" Thor went on for the next second, not fully noticing his brother's statement. But then he stopped and looked up. "What did you say?"
"What if it's going to be a mortal? They are often of a short or even tiny figure." The younger prince speculated.
"Yes." Thor concurred, viewing his brother with a curiosity. "Yet somehow… I fail to see how that should happen. You do not love them, to put it softly."
"No, I don't." Loki confirmed in a low, somewhat uncertain voice. "They are so fragile and prone to everything wrong. They are weak. They rot with diseases and age and still they assemble armies and fight and slaughter each other over trivialities. I despise their stupidity and shallowness." He explained, ending his speech with a disdainful snort. "No, it cannot be. How could I ever value, let alone love one of this kind? This is nonsense."
"I agree with what you just said, brother, I have seen them myself. Yet, even amongst this kind you can find – "
"Nonsense!" Loki yelled stubbornly, not paying attention to his elder sibling's counsel, and snatched the ring from Thor's hand and threw the thing away. It twinkled sharply as it flew, almost as if trying to give a warning before disappearing in the waving grass. Loki watched its reflections fade away and drown between the thick green blades as it leapt down the hillside, towards the sandy shore. Then he jumped to his feet, dodged Thor's attempt to catch him, just yelling "Leave me alone!" and ran away and into the forest, as fast as he could.
Alone, that was the word. Loki wished to be alone. And perhaps not only that. He desired loneliness again. Although he'd never wanted to feel such loneliness as in the heart of the Dead Forest, not anymore, Loki found being alone the right option for him. He even dared think – his mind still in rage – that he'd prefer solitude over spending his life with a mortal. How was it supposed to be like after all?
Could it be that he alone was going to become a mortal? Full of disgust, he shook off the thought. However, what else? Was he going to bring a fragile little mortal woman to Asgard and ask his King father to grant her prolonged youth? Oh, how ridiculous. Laughable. Pointless…
Somehow, he had spent the rest of the day immersed in those thoughts and not being fully aware how, he eventually found himself abed. Green eyes open wide, he stared at the ceiling above, hands curled into fists. His heart was racing too wildly to let him sleep.
Loki sighed then and turned to the window. The fresh air was coming through, stroking his cheeks as it flew past him.
"I have lost it, mother." With eyes looking to nowhere, he mouthed slowly. "I lost the ring you gave me. I tossed it away, into the grass, and ran. Like a stubborn child. Like a spoiled little lad, frightened by the things to come. See? I haven't changed. The journey I made taught me nothing. I am still just a cowardly boy. Still the skinny, black-haired failure that lived, whereas Baldur died." Swallowing, he held back the coming tears and sobs; he kicked his cover aside violently and rose to his feet. Putting on just the sleeping tunic and breeches he walked across the room and smoothly and soundlessly like a tomcat he slid out of the window. Using the bulging stones in the wall and thick, wooden fingers of the ivy, he crept down the tower. After he had landed on his feet, he began his walk across the gardens, past the stables and through the castle grounds straight to the sea shore, letting the starlight be his only lantern.
He sped up as he approached the sea, and then kept running alongside the constantly moving water masses. He let his feet wash in the cold, salty water, turning around here and there to watch the waves erase his footsteps behind him. Finally, the grassy hillside stood before him. That hillside. Wet all over, Loki came to a halt, his chest rising and falling frantically. He eyed the bristling slope as an enemy that had been waiting for him there the entire evening and night. The soft whisper of the grass reminded him of laughter. It mocked him. It challenged him. It was calling to him.
And he listened. Setting off in an insane gallop, he covered the remaining piece of beach in a few jumps, and scrambled up the hill, falling on all four and tearing off fistfuls of grass.
He could smell the scent of the mild, moist mud and torn grass and of the rustling forest before him. His breathing coarsened in his throat as thoughts and memories flew wildly around. It's here. Here, I know it. It must be here! Falling on his knees, he let his long fingers slide through the grass blades.
No, this is pointless, he thought after a few minutes. He stood up and looked around, letting the wind and the sea laugh at him as much as they wished. He knew how to call the lost things back to him. He had learned the technique long ago. So far he had only few opportunities to try it, yes, but he just knew how to do it.
Closing his eyes, he tried to calm his breath and focus on the item he wanted to find. He called it exactly the same way as he had called all the lost things before.
However, all his effort appeared to be fruitless that night. Not even a twinkle of the reflected starlight would come his way.
And merciless at the sight of his misery, the nature around kept making fun of him.
Eventually, too tired to do anything else, he just hung his head in defeat and ambled slowly to the hill top. There, just before the forest, he turned back to the sea. His lips parted as he watched the grassy slope below. "I apologize." He said, his eyelids open and motionless. "And I feel truly sorry for what I've done. For everything. But I cannot take it back." Sighing heavily, he finally closed his eyes. "Please, forgive me. And please, if you can, come to me."
Soft, humid breeze caressed his face and ran through his hair as the leaves of the old oak stirred above him. No, they were not laughing this time, Loki thought. This sounded much more like an honest wish of a good morning. He opened his eyes.
And as soon as he recognized the image before him, he yanked up with a start.
"Thor!" Loki rasped. "What are you doing here?!"
The blond warrior smiled. "What? Just looking for a disobedient, childish prince, haven't you perchance seen one?"
"Oh, please…" Loki moaned and slid down the trunk again.
"Wait, dear brother. I have a riddle for you." Thor revealed then, keeping on the little, mysterious smile.
"You?" Loki gasped, full of doubt. "You have a riddle for me?"
"Aye." The blond prince nodded.
"Well then, go ahead. I am most intrigued."
"Well, uh…" Thor blinked a few times and looked to the side, as if he had forgotten the text and was now searching for a clue in the grass.
"Well..?" Raising one mocking eyebrow, Loki crossed his arms in front of him.
"Well… what is in my pocket?" Thor blurted out then, obviously not knowing what else to say.
"Thor, that is not a riddle. It could be anything! A true riddle has just one solution."
"Nevertheless, you agreed to it. Now, guess."
Placing one palm on his forehead, Loki puffed, his look wandering to the sea. "As I said…" he shrugged then, "it could be just…" but then his eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat. "Thor, aren't you telling me, that you have – "
"Found it, yes. I'm trying to tell you this exactly." Thor laughed aloud and sat down beside his perplexed younger brother. "Here." He said as he took Loki's hand in his and placed the golden item into it. "Please, be more careful about it from now on. It's a gift from our mother."
"Yes, yes I will. I am to give it to the lady of my heart, after all." Loki breathed, viewing the precious little thing. "And whosoever it may be, if I find her, I will." He promised.