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Hiya Harry
Chapter 1: The Great Furry Maggot
James Potter paced back and forth in a small room in St Mungo's Hospital. His wife, Lily, was in the next room giving birth to their child. She seemed quite calm about the whole thing – she was Lily, after all – but James was going to pieces.
Almost half an hour previously, James had been sitting with Lily, holding her hand. Unfortunately for James, after a few minutes of listening to him worry about everything that could possibly go wrong, Lily had had him thrown into the waiting room.
James' three best friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, were sitting on dull grey chairs near the door. Remus was watching James with a half exasperated, half amused look on his face, trying to convince him to calm down and stop pacing. Peter was trying to help Remus but kept on leaving sentences half finished as he covered huge yawns.
Sirius wasn't helping. He wasn't trying to help either. In fact, he wasn't even pretending to be helping. His head was resting on Remus' shoulder and he was snoring. Loudly.
"James, you have nothing to be worried abo-" Peter cut himself off with a yawn and Remus continued for him.
"Peter's right James! Calm down and stop pacing! You've been here since ten o'clock. It's now," he checked his watch, "Three-thirty-two in the morning."
"Calm down?" James half screamed. "Calm down! You're telling me to calm down?! Have you got any idea at all what is going on in the next room?"
Sirius picked this moment to wake up. He stared at James blearily through one slightly bloodshot eye. "You're still here?"
James let out a loud noise that could have been anything from a scream to a roar.
"Yes I'm still bloody here! My child is being born and I don't intend on leaving at any time in the near-"
"Keep your voice down you idiot!" Sirius groaned. "Can't you tell I'm hung-over?"
Remus groaned as James rounded on Sirius.
"You're hung-over?" he whispered dangerously.
"Yes, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't-"
"I'm going to make you wish you didn't know what 'hung-over' means!" James roared as close to Sirius' ear as possible.
"Too late. I've already made that wish." Sirius muttered.
"Prongs," Remus said in the kind of voice one usually reserves for calming down a small child who is throwing a large tantrum. "Why don't you sit down and relax for a bit?"
"Well, you see Moony, there is a small problem with that." James replied, staring pointedly at Sirius.
"What?" Remus asked patiently.
"Someone is sitting in my seat."
Sirius made a show of looking around. "Who's in your seat?"
Peter stood up. "Oh, for Merlin's-" yawn "Sake! Have my seat James."
"I don't want your seat."
Peter looked a little put out.
"What's wrong with his seat?" Remus asked.
"Sirius has the most comfortable seat."
"How do you know that?" Peter questioned. "They all look the same!"
"Easy." James replied. "Sirius is sitting in it."
At a pointed look from Remus, Sirius got out of his seat. James simply looked at it before returning to his pacing.
"You're going to wear a hole in the floor, mate." Sirius informed him and proceeded to force him into the uncomfortable grey seat that he had previously occupied.
When James tried to get up, Sirius sat on him.
"Get off me you great furry maggot!" James protested weakly.
"Great furry maggot? I prefer great furry cuddly maggot, thankyou very much!" Sirius retorted.
As James opened his mouth to reply, Lily's best friend, Mable, stuck her head through the door.
"James? Are you under there?"
"He sat on-" James started grumpily.
"Never mind that now!" Mable said with a grin. "You're a father!"
Sirius jumped up, pulling James up with him, and started a victory dance of sorts around him.
"Prongsie is a daddy! Prongsie is a daddy! Prongsie is a daddy!"
James pushed him aside and stared at Mable.
"I think this is the bit where you walk through the door." Sirius said to James in a stage-whisper.
"Are you ok James?" Peter asked walking over to him.
"Ja-ames?" Remus waved his hand in front of James' face. "Hello? Anyone home?"
Mable stepped up to James and poked him in the head. "Wake up. You have a son."
James continued to stare. Mable exchanged a glance with Remus before flicking James' nose.
"Nope. Nothing."
"I know what to do." Sirius said with an air of superior intelligence.
The others looked dumbfounded and Remus gestured for him to continue.
"Step away from him." Sirius instructed the other three, then muttered to himself. "This is going to hurt."
He stepped in front of James, took a deep breath, and shouted at the top of his lungs, "James-wake-up-your-baby-is-dying!!!"
James punched Sirius on the jaw and rushed into the next room. Remus patted Sirius on the shoulder and proceeded into the next room with Peter and Mable. Sirius followed them, rubbing his jaw and cursing under his breath about best friends who turned catatonic on account of the arrival of a baby.
A/N What'd'ya reckon? Is it worth continuing?