Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. Rather obvious.
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Every Step that I take is Another Mistake to You
(Samwise Gamgee's youngest son wants to be everything...except just like him. Lyrics are taken from the song 'Numb' by Linkin Park.)
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June, 1460 (S.R)
He sat beneath the tree now, watching the faded clouds cross over one another in the sky. How they seemed to overlap each other; keeping them warm. Comforting each other's pain.
As the rain fell down.
Tolman Gardner stared up into the haze of the misty midnight ebonies and frosty blues of the night sky, envying the foggy formations. They all seemed like a happy family, who assisted one another in times of need; who always understood each other.
'If only it were the same with my family.' He thought bitterly.
'If only they understood me.'
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
He clenched his teeth hard as he stared at the clouds with a great jealousy. He heard all of the things that people said to him; all the time, as if it were a never-ending lecture on how to live his life:
"Why must you always sit alone, Tom?"
"Come on, Tom! Play with me! Daddy says you have to!"
"You're your father's son, aren't you? Why do you shun away from him so?"
His family. Always giving him needless advice. He didn't need it. Didn't they understand that he wanted to be by himself? That he liked it?
That he liked being away from his father?
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
I don't know what you're expecting of me,
Put under the pressure, of walking in your shoes.
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
Elanor...Robin...his mother. All his life they had always tried to give him advice. They had tried to steer him in the direction they thought was right. That it wasn't right for him to be sitting by himself all the time...that he should play with his brothers and sisters...
...That he should spend more time with his father.
Tolman scoffed quietly to himself under the nigh sky, at least knowing that no one would tell him what to do here in the dark.
'Spend time with 'im? That's the last thing I want to do.'
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow;)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow;)
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
His father was worse than anyone. He was always pretending to be so proud of his youngest son, but inside, Tolman knew the truth.
He knew that he had been a mistake. His parents hadn't wanted him...he was an accident. They had never told him about this. They didn't need to tell him.
He couldn't remember the last time his father had paid attention to him...embraced him; telling him he loved him and that he was proud of him. All he had got from him was disappointed words and words of advice. And now, at eighteen, he was still getting it.
Advice...
'He can take his worthless advice. All I am to him is one hopeless mistake.'
He sighed.
'All he wants is for me to be exactly like 'im.'
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there.
Become so tired, so much more aware,
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
He idly picked up a smooth pebble in his nimble fingers...throwing it across the hill. How he wanted freedom. How he wanted to be like the clouds floating past, or the birds in the sky. How he wished he could just escape from this place, and be someone different.
Not his father.
Tolman couldn't really see what his father had done that was so special. He hadn't heard the whole story. He hadn't wanted to hear it.
He didn't want to be proud of his father.
Samwise Gamgee must have understood by now that his son was never going to change the way that he was...that he was never going to respect the Shire and be a part of his family. Sam's stubbornness always pulled through, though. He encouraged himself to continue to bring his son about, and make him understand.
But nothing seemed to be working.
'I don't want to understand 'im.'
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control.
'Cause everything that you thought I would be,
Has fallen apart, right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow;)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow;)
An' every second I waste is more than I can take.
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
Tolman had often dreamed of running away...wondering if his family would even care if he had just vanished without trace one day. If they would go after him...
...Or just leave him to get on with his life.
He wished that they would do the last one. He really did. He didn't want them to search for him...to pretend that they were worried about him...to cherish their child and say that they loved him.
When they didn't.
His mother had often said: "You are your father's youngest son. Your father was your grandfather's youngest son too." And then she had smiled.
Was that supposed to impress him?
Why did everyone keep saying how much he had in common with his father? Did they like to remind him, to bring him to understand?
Only they didn't understand.
He was ashamed of his father.
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
And I know,
I may end up failing too.
But I know,
You were just like me,
With someone disappointed in you.
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
It was because his grandfather had done the same thing to Sam. He had scorned him...scolded him; told him he was an embarrassment and that he couldn't do anything right. And now Sam was doing it to him.
As revenge.
Tolman smiled a little as he remembered the night he had confronted his father and told him about this:
"Your dad hated you!" he had screamed. "He hated you, an' I hate you too!"
He had heard his brothers and sisters talking about it later, when they thought that he wasn't listening.
Talking about how Sam had been in tears shortly after the argument.
A bead of water trickled down from Tolman's eye. 'It's his own fault. He shouldn' try so much.'
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there.
Become so tired, so much more aware,
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.
~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
He wept quietly in the darkness of the night...for himself, for all the people who hated him...
...and for his father.
He felt numb all over from the cold, the breeze that seemed to be billowing inside of him, rattling his ribcage and shaking his heart...as if trying to squeeze more tears out of it.
It didn't feel like the warm night it really was.
~~~END~~~
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A/N: Another songfic for you. This idea came to me as I was listening to the song the other day, and my warped mind dared to write it. I placed most of my feelings into this too, as I get the same kind of crap from my mother. Anyway, please tell me what you think!