Welcome readers! In past random bits I have mentioned that Tidus' house doesn't have a bathroom (because I never saw evidence of bathrooms even existing in the game), so I decided to explore the idea a little more. I hope you will enjoy this silly possibility as to why Tidus' house doesn't have a bathroom and the salute to modern plumbing.

Random Bits 19

Chapter 1

: Setting - Tidus has just discovered that his house does have a bathroom. All of his friends have been invited to see it. :

19 years or so, ago…

: Location - Zanarkand - Jecht's House. Dead of night. Jecht and Tidus' mother have just bought their first house. Furniture and decoration are sparse, but Jecht has an idea. :

"Great! Almost there. Turn your end diagonal…diagonal…diagonal!"

"Shhhhh!"

Jecht frowned at his wife as he struggled with his end of the billboard. There was no way it was going to fit through the door while completely vertical. "Turn your end diag….Thank you!" Together the happy couple wrestled the sign through the doorway.

"Awesome! Lets get it to the bedroom." Jecht said.

A few hours ago Jecht had seen a new billboard in town, promoting the Zanarkand Abes. Frozen in a cocky pose, his grinning figure graced one whole side of the sign. He had been contemplating the awesomeness of the picture and wondering how his wife would take it if he brought it home, when she said, "That's a really great shot of you!" Jecht was quiet a moment before hesitantly suggesting, "You know, it would be perfect for the bedroom." Mrs. Jecht tore her adoring gaze away from the sign long enough to give him a slow grin.

Thus they had worked side by side cutting off the portion with Jecht on it. He had been rather surprised to find her so eager, but then again that's why he had married her. She was probably the only other person in the whole world who loved him as much as he loved himself. He was so happy that he didn't even mind dragging the billboard halfway around the city in an attempt to elude authorities, who were less than happy to discover the two vandals.

The sign was now safely on its way down the hallway. "Go a little ways past the door Jecht. Farther…farther…there! Let me get the door." Switching her grip to one of the ribs along the back of the sign, Tidus' mother leaned her end against the wall and went to open the door. After a moment she turned and gave her husband an apologetic look, "It's stuck again."

Jecht looked at her, doubtful. "Are you turning it the right way?" She gave him a dirty look in return. "Sorry. Let me get it."

The current Abes star gently wedged his end of the billboard against the opposite wall, careful not to get it stuck, and went to aid his wife. In a chorus of grumbles, grunts, and thumps the two thieves fought with the door. When Jecht hauled on the handle with all his strength and instructed his wife to ram the door, the handle decided that it had had enough rough treatment for one night and broke. Jecht was pitched backwards against the carefully placed edge of the sign, jamming it between the two walls. The pair stared at their new wall in the long silence that followed, the bedroom door slowly swinging open behind them. After a bit, Jecht muttered in disappointment, "The pictures, not even on this side."

Present…

: Location - Besaid -Waterfall Way - Tidus' House - Tidus is showing off his new bathroom. :

"See? A bathroom." Tidus said proudly to Jecht as his companions explored the world of advanced plumbing. He was quite proud of himself for discovering the long lost and previously mythical room. He had grown up listening to rumors of its existence in the form of grumbles and wistful sighs along the lines of , 'Man! What happened to our bathroom?', 'I wish we had a bathroom.', ' I know there was one when we moved in!', and 'I just want to take a shower!'.

It had happened quite by accident. After a long day spent helping with the village's seasonal sanitation, which had been tedious (thanks to the meticulous village grannies) and very dull, Tidus had stumbled home and fallen asleep on his feet on his way to his room. He was rudely awakened when he fell through the wall in the hallway, which turned out to be the rotting remains of a billboard sign. After recovering from awaking to the image of Jecht staring fiercely down at him, the teen had discovered several more feet of hallway and a door. That dusty door turned out to have a bathroom behind it. The following morning he had rushed down to the village to tell his friends.

Now they were all standing in the spacious bathroom, gazing around in wonder. Jecht abruptly gripped his son's shoulders, face twisting in agony as he groaned, with heartfelt remorse, "All those years your mother and I could have taken romantic-!"

"No!" Tidus yelped in terror. Twisting fee, he rammed his hands over his ears and desperately chanted, "LalalaIcan'thearyoulalala!" Luckily for him, Yuna came to his rescue.

"Oh, Sir Jecht, what is that?" The young Summoner asked, smoothly distracting the former Sin. The scruffy man sighted along the girl's outstretched finger. "Oh, that's the shower." he cheerfully informed her. The shower loomed in the back right hand corner of the room, and was an impressive structure of glass and silver. It was tiled in the same stuff as the floor, accented with brushed silver plumbing and had room enough for five people…or three Ronsos.

"Wow, it's huge!" Wakka exclaimed, opening the door and poking his head in. With a happy smile for some early memories Jecht replied, "Yep. I like to have a little wiggle room."

The Guardians and their Summoner shuddered as terrible mental images of exactly what Jecht might need wiggle room for in a shower traipsed merrily across the landscapes of their minds, waving and giggling. Unaware of the mental trauma and future years of therapy that remark had caused, Jecht highlighted the good points of indoor plumbing. "You control the water temperature with these knobs here-this one is hot, this one is cold-and if you do it right, you get warm water!"

"Warm water?" Wakka gasped excitedly.

"That's right," Braska's final summon said proudly, "No more freezing your nadgers off under the icy waterfall."

Lulu rolled her crimson eyes heavenward, "We live on a tropical island that never sees temperatures below 80 degrees. The water is luke warm in the shade."

"Yeah," Wakka retorted, "But it would be nice to bathe with warm water every once in a while."

"Like you bathe regularly." The Black Mage snorted.

"Hey, I bathe-!"

"Swimming doesn't count."

"Who wants to give it a try?" Jecht asked, hoping for a female volunteer. Hope was immediately snuffed out.

"Oh, me! Me!" Wakka crowed, jumping into the shower and beginning to strip.

"Oh, for Yevon's sake!" Lulu snapped, exasperated. She cast Sleep on her (for want of a better word) friend, before anyone went suddenly Blind. Wakka hit the shower tiles with a squeak of bare skin hitting a freshly waxed gym floor, little 'z's floating into the air around is head. Jecht, never one to let an opportunity for a demonstration go to waste, nudged the slumbering Islander under the shower head and turned on the water.

"So, anyway, it works like this," he began, fiddling with the taps (which oddly enough had noting to do with fiddles, harps, or any other kind of stringed instrument). "When you are nice and wet, you use a little of this." Jecht lifted a small plastic bottle from its place in the shower caddy. "'S called body wash. You wash your body with it."

"You don't say." Auron said in a tone writhing with sarcasm. "Thank Yevon you're here; we would have never guessed!"

Jecht threw a scowl in the Legendary Guardian's direction, but to his credit, rallied splendidly. "It's like soap, 'cept you an use it more than once or twice a month." Excited murmuring swept through the group. Soap that was mild enough to use more than once or twice a month was unheard of. The only forms of soap that had existed in Spira were sand and the now popular combination of animal fat and lye that could take off dirt and two layers of skin. Like medieval peoples, Spirans used it for washing clothes, cleaning household items and themselves, usually at the same time (waiting about two weeks for the chemical burns to heal between scrubbings).

Jecht upended the bottle and squeezed out a stream of blue gel, making the same carefree movements with his arm that were normally associated with drizzling chocolate syrup on a sundae. "Then you start scrubbing!" the dark haired man said brightly, grabbing the back brush from its bracket and setting to work.

"Don't forget to wash in the wrinkles, dad." Tidus called encouragingly, "That's where the dirt likes to hide."

"I think I've seen enough." Lulu muttered, revolted. Very few things could turn the young woman's stomach. Island life had seen to that with its constant supply of drowning victims, fiend attack victims, and Got-Caught-Cheating-On-The-Wife-With-The-Neighbor victims (who were often gruesomely wounded in ways that not even the most barking mad, ax wielding murderer with rather strange fetishes, could think of).

But, this was different. It reminded her of the Shoopuff Wash fundraiser she had been forced to attend last summer. Yuna, as High Summoner, Destroyer of Sin, Famous Daughter of Braska, and All Around Nice Person, had been invited to the Moonflow for the event. As a loyal Guardian and childhood friend, Lulu had been forced to accompany her. So had everyone else, but that was beside the point.

Watching a small creature wash a huge, floppy-skinned titan with an oversized toothbrush had not been the highlight of Lulu's day, and was not for the faint of stomach. The entire event had ended in tragedy when a Hypello had gotten a little over zealous with the scrubbing. The way the skin had started swaying…Well, with all the momentum that had built up, there hadn't been anything anyone could have done.

"Aww, but you haven't seen the shampoo demonstration yet…" Tidus began, then stopped when he caught the scalding glower Lulu was giving him. You just didn't argue with someone who could give you more than just a metaphorical third degree burn. Tidus had already experienced one full body sunburn, which had been a real pain, but had lead to the amazing achievement of successfully peeling the skin off his face all in one piece. Despite all that, he decided to err on the side of caution and quickly ushered the visitors of the Floating House Museum to the next exhibit; the sinks.

The closest things to sinks in Spira were buckets, or a pair of cupped hands. The temples did have large stone basins filled with sacred water, which were used for blessings, baptisms, and numerous other ceremonies, like holding the head of a person underwater to test if they were a witch. A fool proof test since no one (sarcastic emphasis, wink-wink, etc,) in all of Spira could stay under water for more than a few seconds Coughcoughblitzballpalyerscough. They were not for washing up in. Tidus found this out the hard way one early morning after a quick jog around the island. The High Priest had nearly had an aneurism when, upon unlocking the temple for the morning he found the basin of scared water being defiled by a blond foreigner with a big smile and a bar of soap.

A long counter top of the same black marble as the floor occupied most of the left hand wall. It contained two seashell shaped sinks large enough to comfortably accommodate one full-grown chocobo each. Both were beautifully sculpted works of art and looked as if there should have been a beautiful nude goddess standing in each. As beautiful as the sinks were, they were not the center of the sudden, intense attention. Along the wall above the backsplash was a long mirror.

It has been said that a diamond is a girl's best friend. This is false. A girl's best friend is a mirror. There is not a single woman in the entire universe who doesn't own a mirror (or at least something with a reflective surface). It is an absolute necessity, and the most important item in a woman's arsenal of Things She Needs to Look Good. Without a mirror, Hair, Makeup, and Outfit aren't going to happen.

Females spend years learning the high level of hand-eye coordination necessary to get ready for their everyday activities ( like shopping, or shopping). One false move with and eyeliner pencil and bye-bye binocular 20/20 vision. This is why it takes women so long to get ready in the morning. Guys don't have to worry about accidentally crimping and eyelid with an eyelash curler, trying to get their hair right, or making sure their butts don't look too big in those pants.

Even if a female doesn't have a mirror with her, she will use someone else's , or what ever reflective surface is available, be it water puddle, window, someone's sunglasses, or even eyeball. Show a woman a mirror and she will do one or all of three things: a Hair, Make up, or Butt check. All will be done multiple times, just in case something has changed in the last two minutes.

The air of quiet anticipation was shattered as Rikku pointed at the mirror and screamed so loud that that the sound waves upset the tenuous hold Jecht and Auron had over their forms. The two Guardians wavered, then gently exploded, sending pyre-flies whizzing off in all directions. Kimahri clamped his huge hands protectively over his ears as they threatened to turn inside out. Humans were so inconsiderate and just didn't understand how sensitive Ronso ears were. They went around doing thoughtless things like shouting, laughing, and being born with high-pitched voices.

The big blue Ronso cautiously uncovered his ears as Tidus, misunderstanding the situation completely, rushed over to reassure the Al Bhed teen. "It's okay, don't be afraid!" the boy soothed. "It's not a dope…dollop…doppler…"

"Doppelganger." Jecht said helpfully, from beside Kimahri as he pulled himself together.

It took several minutes because the pyre-flies had to swirl around the room, form a spectacular comet and then strike the ground dramatically with a burst of light. Auron coalesced quietly next to him. The Legendary Guardian didn't go in for all of that showing off nonsense. Why do through all the trouble when everyone already knew he was awesome?

"Doppelganger! Thanks. It's just your Reflect(ion)." Tidus continued, unable to resist the capital 'R' and the parenthesis.

"Ha! Reflection! Good one, son." Jecht called approvingly.

"Thanks, dad."

A double Hand of Justice was dealt swiftly and without mercy. "That was for the lame joke," Auron informed Tidus, before turning a venomous glare on Jecht and barking, "And that's for reproducing." Justice served, he spun on his heel and went to find a wall to lean against. The hisses and grumbles as the father and son vigorously rubbed their stinging scalps was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.

How many of you are going to dip your fingers in the holy water at church and giggle this weekend?

Just for your information:

1. lye soap is not as harsh as it was once believed to be 2. medieval peoples did bathe, wash clothes, and wash dishes in the same water at the same time 3. sand was the original soap 4. bathwater wasn't thrown out until the entire family had finished bathing in it first. Starting with dad and ending with baby, it was pretty dirty by then. Hence the phrase 'don't throw the baby out with the bathwater'