The IRS Meets Hogwarts By: Eddy Bunny, Ralph the Random Loser, and Looney Luna Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Only Eddy and part of the idea for the IRS(ours is different...woo...). Ralph and Luna belong to their respective creators...Kimmy and Rae. This serious version of The IRS Meets Hogwarts was inspired by a conversation in MSN involving Hogwarts, hyperactivity, and pure boredom. :D

A/N: While Ralph wrote her entrance, I(Eddy) wrote my entrance and Luna's. The order of appearance is relevant to our 'Agent Numbers'. Enjoy!

This is a tale of intrigue and magic, a tale in which darkness threatens society, and unique hero's must take matters into their own hands...this tale is a tale of happiness and sorrow, a tale of light and darkness...rabbits and randomness...cats and money...well, you get the point. This is a damn good story.

Chapter One: Ed, Ralph, and Luna

-Ed-

'Run!'
The voice sliced through the air as a group of teenagers looked up. The one who ordered them to retreat a girl garbed in common clothes. Low rise jeans, red sleeveless top and a trench-coat. Not uncommon down in Downtown Salt Lake City. Instead of waiting for her companions to move, she jumped a park bench, grabbing some of their wrists and dragging them until they got the point. Within moments, the Black Dragon Gang was on the move, jumping over trash cans and fences, dodging traffic, and shoving aside pedestrians. Instead of waiting for the walk symbol on the signals, they ran, causing cars to come to screeching halts. The girl led them across the rooftops of cars, down towards the Courthouse, totally disrupting traffic. People turned to watch as a group of fifteen teenagers ran to their hearts content. Glancing behind her, her eyebrows knitted together in a scowl.
'Shit!' She yelled, jumping onto another car roof. Landing cat like, she rode the car, seeing the police gaining. The gang behind her would be panicking in moments. Taking a deep breath, she leaped out onto the sidewalk, motioning for them to follow. As soon as they were running across the crossing, there were shouts behind them of more cops, ordering them to stop.
'Sure! LIKE HELL WE WILL!' The girl yelled, as they ran along the sidewalk and grass, in a beeline towards the courthouse.
'Split!' Came a boy's voice from beside her. Looking out of the corner of her eye, she nodded. Splitting into five groups, they ran, each group following a designated leader of some sort. Each leader had a black bandana tied around their biceps. The girl with the trench coat smirked, rolling up her sleeve to reveal the symbol. The last two members of the gang began to follow her as she made a mad dash for courthouse. Sliding in under police tape they dashed up the steps and scrambled to open the door.
'It's locked!' One of her companions shouted. He ran to catch up with the other two, who changed their course.
'The library!' Was the suggestion, accepted long before it was uttered. They crossed another street, thanking their lucky stars that traffic was on their side. Throwing open the doors, they ran in, sliding to a halt as they turned to run into the lobby.
'Which floor?!' The other girl hissed.
'The roof.' The boy decided for them, knowing they would waste time arguing unless he chose. The leading girl nodded and slammed the button for the elevator, tapping her foot impatiently.
'There's no time Ed! We gotta' use the stairs! Their outside!'
'Just a second-there we go!' The elevator doors opened and they threw themselves inside, pressing the "close doors" button furiously. As the doors slid shut, and the elevator began to rise, they watched the police running in, looking around. When they reached the third floor, one looked up at the elevators and pointed to theirs.
'Godammit! Why do we have to be in a glass elevator?! Stupid Mormons!' The leader of the three cursed. Reaching the fourth floor, they sighed in relief as the cage of glass slowed and came to a halt. Running out of the open doors and knocking down a man and his wife, they made a mad dash to the stairs. Racing up the stairs, they reached the fifth floor in moments.
'This way!' She yelled, pulling off her bandana as she ran. Reaching a door that proclaimed "Authorized Personal Only"; the girl snickered and opened it, leading the way inside. Go figure. It had books in it. Lots and lots of books.
'Where do we hide?' The boy asked with an expression that clearly stated 'We are all screwed'.
'Um...how about in those book carts?' The long haired girl offered, pointing to three convenient carts. 'Right-o!' Their leader proclaimed, diving into one and covering herself with books, which poked her in the face and made for a rather uncomfortable environment.
'Pain...hurt...bad...' The boy mumbled.
'Shush!' Came two hisses. What felt like hours passed, when in reality...well yes, they were hours. The leader thanked any god's she could think of, after learning afterwards that the security cameras in that maintenance for the authorized personal room. It was night when the three slinked out of the carts, sneaking across the floor, and out onto the roof. Staring out over the city, the leader smirked.
'They left one car out there...we gunna' take it?' The boy suggested, looking through the binoculars carefully.
'No, we don't want to draw any more attention to ourselves.' The leader murmured. Sliding down the hand railings, the three, grinned, laughing quietly as they escaped yet again.
It was morning, and the three, having slept all night in an alley, were on the first train home, away from downtown, and into the playground they called home.
'What a night...I dreamt that a raccoon bit me.' The boy muttered, shivering.
'Khas...a raccoon did bite you.' The long haired girl giggled.
'Oh great.' This Khas muttered, as the girls laughed. Reaching the Ballpark station, their eyes widened as an...owl? Flew in, carrying a letter in its talons. Dropping them on the leaders lap, the bird of prey soared out the window again, leaving the three gang members in confusion.
"To Miss Alice 'Ed' Cryer
Train A-1048
The Ballpark Station
Salt Lake City, Utah."
'Who the fuck is this from, a stalker?'

-Ralph-
Sitting alone in a small apartment, alone, without a father, living without a mother. That's me. My parents divorced when I was 11. My mom left and went to Australia to get away from my dad. They hated each other, fighting every given moment about the most politically incorrect things. I was in the middle. I was nearly in my teens of course I knew what was going on.
Whenever I asked one of them why these, vile, wastes of time were occurring they just replied in a monotone manner, "It's for your own good, you are too young to understand."
Well I am fifteen now, and no one ever told me. All I have to say is thanks for your god damn understanding in letting me wait and considering that your gone now, I guess I will never know huh? Well I guess that's how life is sometimes, a confusing bitch. When my mom left, things began to go even more downhill than they were before. My dad got a promotion, so he was never home. He left me $20.00 every day and told me to go wild. He thinks money can fix everything. Well it didn't. It's money that brought him to his death. He started meddling with gangs. They made a deal with him to pay him if he did some underground work for their corporation. He did, and he got himself killed. Police are now looking for the gang responsible. I seriously could care less what became of my dad at that time, but now, a week later, it's starting to hurt. It's poison in my veins. I miss him. My mother doesn't even know he is dead and she didn't leave us any way to contact her, so all I can do now, is sit in a small apartment, alone, without a father, living without a mother. I remembered that I hadn't grabbed the mail for nearly a week. I trudged down the stairs and threw open the door and walked to the mailbox. There was a large pile in my hands as I came inside. All the letters were addressed to me from this "Hogwarts." I opened one and that was the wake up call for me to get the hell out of this lonely place.
"Miss Kimberly 'Ralph' Correy
Apartment 2-B
The Fifth Floor
Salt Lake City, Utah."

-Luna-
Sunrise. It's the same everyday. The colours that paint the sky have dulled to a mere gray. The colours that once told stories are gone.
BOOM.
Oops. There goes another chicken.
'Aw crap, I'm dead!' A girl yelled as she poked her head out of the chicken coop, a scowl on her tanned face. Her dark hair fell in her face as she crawled out of the door and down the ramp, onto the earth below. When she stood, she stretched her arms out and arched her back to relieve it from having slept in the coop.
'Stupid brother. I'm going to eat him alive for this...rawr.' She muttered to herself, stalking over to where the chicken once roamed. There was a nice burn mark on the ground which only made the girl groan louder. She hit her head on a barn, conveniently located to her immediate left.
After several minutes of trying to render herself unconscious, this girl knelt down by the burn mark and pokes the dirt. She pulled back her finger and blew on it's surface furiously.
'Hot, hot!' She yelped, and glared at the burn mark, as if that would make it disappear. She sighed to herself and watched the sunrise in boredom. Soon her aunt and uncle would awaken and yell at her for letting another chicken explode, before making her start her chores. The silence of the morning would be lost and the farm would spring back into it's usual, chaotic self. She felt so isolated out here, stuck surfing the web on a Windows 98. That was the worst. AND almost all of her techy gadgets and gizmos weren't working anymore! This was so not cool. How was she going to survive another three months, trapped out here?! Then again...she was going to miss the exploding chickens...
BOOM.
There goes another one.
Staring at the spot where the second chicken exploded, she picked up a letter and looked at it, blinking several times.
'What the hell...?'
"Miss Rachel 'Luna' Fox
By the Barn
The Fox Farm
Sioux Lookout, Ontario."

Ok, I know Luna's is short. But I like it that way. Short, cute, filled with the humor I love! Now you see that review button? CHA! Good! CLICK IT! Or die by Luna's exploding chickens!