ELIMIDATE: MIDDLE EARTH – EPISODE TWO

RATHER LONG A/N: For those of you who aren't familiar with Elimidate, it's a dating show, where either a girl or a guy is paired up with four, count 'em, FOUR members of the opposite sex. They all go out on a date together, and one by one, they are eliminated (elimiDATED?) until there is just one girl and one guy. At various points throughout the show, the camera catches the players by themselves one at a time, and they tell how things are going, without the others hearing. Those conversations are denoted with . It gets reallllly catty at times…especially when there are four women!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own and I am in no way affiliated with either LOTR or Elimidate. I'm just a girl who happens to be stuck on both and likes to combine them in weird ways…(Shameless Plug Alert! – Go back and r/r Episode One where Rosie Cotton goes out with Sam, Frodo, Merry and Pippin, if you haven't already.) Please review!

Chapter One: Round One – "Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge, Say No More"

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: 1-2-3-4, Elimidate! We return to Middle Earth, where the future king of Men must choose between four girls. Who will go on to the next round, and who will be Elimidated? Find out!

Aragorn, standing at the edge of Fangorn Forest, looks around curiously. "Who said that?" he wonders aloud. "Oh well." He shrugs and turns toward the video camera that is sitting, unmanned, on a tripod in the middle of the clearing. Apparently, he does not find this odd, for he begins to talk to it.

"I'm Aragorn, and I'm the heir to the throne of Gondor. I'm also over eighty years old. Yes, I know I'm way too hot to be eighty, but my kind age slowly. Anyway, it's time for me to settle down and think about running the kingdom of Men. Maybe I'll find the right girl for me today." He leans against an old tree to wait.

The camera shows a beautiful elf maiden, with long dark hair, done up with a sparkly Evenstar emblem, and big starry eyes approaching. She is wearing a long sparkly white gown that drags the grass behind her. "I'm Arwen Evenstar," she says to the camera. "I've been engaged to Aragorn since he was young, but we had to break it off during the War. I'm sure he will want to pick up where we left off, so there will be no competition."

Arwen sneaks up behind Aragorn, who is smoking his pipe and trying to make one of those neat ship shapes with his smoke like Gandalf does. She suddenly pulls out a dagger and holds it to his throat. "What's this?" she whispers menacingly, "a ranger caught off his guard?"

Aragorn manages to wriggle free. "By the Valar, Arwen! MUST you do that every time I don't see you coming?"

Arwen giggles. "It's as much my trademark as the Evenstar you wear around your neck." Suddenly she stiffens. "Wait. Where is it? Why have you taken it off?"

Aragorn to camera: Uh-oh!

Aragorn shuffles his feet and looks at the ground. "We-ell…I thought your father was breaking us up, so I went on this dating show to find me another woman. Wait! Are you on this show too?"

Arwen blushes. "Actually, yes. For the same reason you are…only not to find me a woman. At least not today." She winks and leaves him to think about that. He stares at her with his mouth open.

The camera cuts to another beautiful woman who has walked up in the meantime. This woman is blonde, and a human, and she wears a brown soft leather dress with bone accents. "My name is Eowyn of the Rohirrim, niece of King Theoden. I've had my eye on Aragorn for a long time, and today I will be proud to make him mine at last!"

Eowyn walks up to where Arwen and Aragorn are standing. Aragorn is still staring at Arwen. "You mean you've…?" he begins…then he turns to see Eowyn. "Eowyn! You are also on this show?" He looks from one to the other, then back again.

Aragorn to camera (with a thumb's up, "Wayne's World"-style): Eeeexcellent!

Eowyn smiles as Arwen looks her up and down with a catty look on her face. "Hello, Lord Aragorn. It's wonderful to see you again, you are looking well."

Aragorn breaks into a smile. "You're looking even more beautiful than when last I saw you."

Arwen just gapes at him.

Arwen to camera: All right, I KNOW he just didn't!!!!! (head roll, snaps fingers)

Eowyn to camera (cracking knuckles): I don't know what is going on with that hair, but I hope she is prepared to fight…I have never lost a battle!

A young hobbit lass walks toward the camera…trips over a root and falls…gets back up…trips over a rock…steadies herself…then bumps into the camera. "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm so clumsy…it's in the blood, you know. I'm Daisy Took, and I'm a seamstress by profession. I'm just hoping to get drunk tonight! I even brought my "Lucky Tankard!"

Daisy strolls toward the spot where Eowyn and Arwen are on opposite sides of Aragorn, looking each other over. She bumps her head on a low-lying branch, and somehow manages to fall straight into Aragorn's arms, knocking him over and landing on top of him. "Oh, my, I am sorry! My name is Daisy Took and I'm impossibly clumsy!"

Eowyn sniffs. "I'll say."

Eowyn to camera: It was obvious that she was trying to make a move on Aragorn. It was all staged!

Arwen to camera: Ew! She has hair on her toes!

Aragorn smiles and brushes himself off. "No harm done." Daisy begins to help brush him off. Since she's eye-level with his butt, she spends more time on it, making sure every dust particle is, um, pinched off.

"Hey!" Arwen grabs her off of Aragorn. "None of that!"

Daisy manages to look sheepish.

Daisy to camera: Now THAT was staged!

Meanwhile, the fourth and final date, a she-dwarf with a long black beard and big bushy black eyebrows has approached the camera and introduced herself as Helga the Hairy. "I'm a traveling mercenary-for-hire. And I carry a big, sharp ax!" As if in response to this, there is a low growling sound from inside Fangorn Forest. Helga hefts her ax and shakes it menacingly at the trees. "Whatever's in there had better stay in there, if you don't want to be chopped up!"

Aragorn spies Helga approaching. "I'm sorry, friend dwarf, but I believe you're on the wrong show. This is my date and I am supposed to have four women!"

Helga brandishes her ax once more. "You ignorant fool! You know that dwarf women also have beards! Ha! And you call yourself a ranger!"

Aragorn blushes. "Oh my, I'm very sorry! I meant no offense, milady."

Helga puts away her ax and chuckles. "Oh well, no harm done, I suppose."

Helga to camera: I'm telling you right now – no ELF is going to beat me at anything!

Arwen to camera: Oh great…a dwarf. Now the evening is complete. (rolls eyes)

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Stay tuned to see what happens on the first part of the date!

Aragorn looks around. "Now did anyone else hear that, or am I just nuts?"

Daisy, who is right eye-level with his nuts, smirks, "What was the question?"

Aragorn sighs and rolls his eyes. "Never mind." He drags on his pipe again.

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Elimidate will return after this!

A/N: Review! You know you wanna!