Angela walked out of my apartment about 8 that night. I stayed parked in that chair for another hour. My mind was busy digesting the conversation. I started feeling a little restless, so I got up and moved around a bit. Another glass of wine sounded good. She was making me think about my emotions and my rational brain did not like it much. Before her discussion, I only saw one way to get through this situation. The only way to handle it was to carry on as if we never had that conversation two weeks ago. Somehow tonight's conversation put that idea to rest. I did not want to admit it but Angela was right. I had to take some time off to work on my feelings or just talk to Booth.
I never realized until she talked to me that I lived my life in "Autopilot." I remember taking the news of Angela's marriage in a way that I thought any good friend should. I never thought about that look Booth and I shared outside the courtroom because I wanted to carry on as if nothing happened. For a moment, I was feeling angry at Angela for making me feel this way. My heart spoke up and told me it was not her fault. Angela and everyone else was reading me all this time wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
If I had thought to see the look in his eyes, I would have seen the sadness that lingered on long after I had hurt his feelings. Yes it bothered me that I broke his heart right after he poured it out to me. Truth was I really did not want him to move on but telling him that would be far too hard. The truth was neither one of us really moved on since that night. I know that Andrew was more than interested in sex . As much as I liked sex, I just could not do it without feeling guilty. I guess I unconsciously felt like sleeping with Andrew would be like betraying Booth.
The other sad truth I kept ignoring is how Catherine made my blood boil. That woman pushed my buttons with her mere presence. I never imagined it being so hard to admit something to myself that strong. I wanted him with me but my rational thinking interfered with my emotions. Maybe Angela was entirely correct. My heart needed to be heard and my rational thinking needed to be silenced for a time.
After thinking about all these realizations, the only obvious choice was becoming abundantly clear. I could have taken some time off. My first thought was that the time apart from Booth would help the situation I found myself in. Maybe if I did not have to see Booth every day, I could get my world out of spin cycle and back into the old, familiar rhythm. Somewhere down deep inside, the thought of not seeing him every morning at work and not being around him was depressing. The thought was actually depressing and scary. For six years now, we saw each other every day and it never got old.
On the other hand, I could call him up tonight and tell him everything that I never said. Booth had been completely honest about his feelings and I only made pathetic excuses to protect myself. I know I told him I was protecting him, but I know in reality I was protecting me.
Harmonia had been right about me that night in the basement of her house. I did not want to admit it to myself until now. The real world does scare me. I have found it hard to trust love considering the kind of past I had with my family. Everyone I have ever loved has let me down, except Booth. He had been there through so much. He pulled me from the car when Heather Taffet kidnapped Dr. Hodgins and me. He took a bullet that was meant for me from "Fat" Pam when we did karaoke at the club. I never realized how much I did love him and need him until this moment. I began to understand that I did not want to be anywhere he was not. I needed him near me. After some thought, the decision was made.
I hoped that Booth would be home. I called his home number but he did not pick up. I called his cell phone number. After three rings, he picked up his phone.
"Seeley Booth" he answered in his customary way.
It took all the courage and nerve I had to get the words out. I tried to sound as cool and detached as I usually do. By the miracles of miracles, I did it the way I needed to.
"Booth, it's just me, Bones. We, I mean, I need to talk. Would my place be out of your way?" I asked Booth.
I could see the look of worry and concern on his face over the telephone lines as if he was looking at me face-to-face. I could hear him suck in a breath and make what seemed to be a muffled prayer. I did not know how I was going to do this but I knew I had to do it.
"It's not out of my way Bones. I will be there in less than five minutes." He answered.
I could just visualize him rushing to get back here. For as long as we had been partners, I have been one of only three things that got him to rush anywhere. The other things that made him rush were crimes and his son Parker. The thought flattered me. My thoughts were broken by a knock on the door. Booth stood on the other side of that door. I took a deep breath and I opened the door. I had no idea why the hell I was so nervous. Booth had always been a source of comfort up until the night he proposed to try a relationship. Standing holding that door knob, all logic and rational though went flying out the window. All I had left was my heart to guide me through this.
"Your call sounded urgent so I got here as quick as I could. What's wrong?" Booth asked looking deeply concerned and a little scared.
"We, I need to talk about us. You tried to and I just shut you out. I need you to understand where I am and what I want. I could not tell you then. I can now if you will allow me just a little time to explain." I answered mentally sorting and resorting my words.
"I thought we had already cleared this one up. You said that it would be best if I moved on. WE agreed on that." Booth responded pointing out my bad judgment sounding somewhat irritated.
Booth shook his head and motioned me to sit down next to him on the couch. You need to say this sweetie; I could hear my heart telling me. .The weirdest thing is that my heart sounded a lot like Angela.
"Booth, I made a mistake that night. I used pathetic excuses to protect me. I lied to you. I didn't want you to move on to someone else. As soon as Catherine sauntered into the lab, I could feel an unexplainable jealousy I could not understand. Catherine's very presence is an irritation to me. I don't want to see you with anyone but me.
"The first time you kissed me outside that pool hall, I felt that electricity that everyone talks about. If I would have been sober, we would have had sex. I was so attracted that I had to force myself home. I know that Christmas kiss might have been Julian's idea but I felt that more electricity go through me then. It threw me off. That kiss left me wanting more but I could not tell you that. The last time you kissed me damn near killed me. I had to push myself off of you because I was feeling that voltage fry my logic. I felt something stronger than attraction. My mind would not let me tell you." I said feeling just a little bit uncomfortable and idiotic.
"Instead of telling you that, I told you things that killed me so bad on the inside that I cried once I was home. I wanted to be with you so bad that I was afraid of losing you. The FBI would have split us apart and that would have been the end of it. I did not want that. My mind tells me that the dance at my class reunion was a mistake on my part because it left me confused and indecisive. Dancing in your arms felt safe and secure. You know that being vulnerable is not my thing. Strength and intelligence are what I would rather have people see. I guess when Angela and Hodgins announced their wedding that old feeling of regret came rushing in. I had that chance to be with you and I said "no". Seeing them so happy broke my heart because I broke yours for all the wrong reasons." I continued on.
I looked Booth in the eyes and he appeared to be concerned as to why I did not say something then. With his eyes he urged me to continue on.
"Look Booth, I don't know exactly how I feel. I don't know if it is love or if it is all just physical attraction. Love defies all logic. Logic is all I know. Part of me wants to be with you for 30, 40, 50 years from now. A part of me doesn't comprehend how that could ever happen. What I want makes no sense to me. I want to be with you but I just don't know if I love you yet. You deserve someone who knows for certain what they want. I wish I could give you that, but right now I can't.
"I can only offer you the effort to find out what I want. One thing I do know is that I don't want you with anyone but me. What I am trying to tell you is that I reconsidered and I would love to try. I don't want to lose you." I finished, feeling the 100 ton boulder lifting off my shoulders.
When I thought I could say all I could say, a question slipped out of my lips.
"Would that be acceptable to you for now?" I asked trying not to cry.
Booth just looked at me with those handsome brown eyes. He did not say anything for a long moment. I was getting a little frightened by the uncomfortable silence. I was not sure what he was going to say. He took a breath.
"Temperance, that is all I really want. I know you don't trust your heart. I know love is something you put very little trust in. However I want you to see something right now, I love you and my love is completely trustworthy. I just want a chance to show that to you. Truth is that I never really moved on. I have dated Catherine because you said that you could not take that step. Now that you are telling me this, I feel relief. I need you. I love you and there is nothing I would not do for you. I will take that any day. I never want to be without you." Booth answered.
I must have had a look of shock on my face because he looked scared. He rarely called me by my given name. He had always called me Bones. It was a nickname that made me feel good. When he actually used my name, I could see what I needed to see. He was reaching out for me. For the first time, I was moving within his reach backing up. I sat there thinking about his words and trying to come up with a good enough response to the words. I looked into his eyes and leaned in. I felt the gentle touch of my lips to his. At first it was gentle but both of us let it go deeper. We had to come up for air and that is why the kiss stopped.
"Can we just take this slow for now?" I asked still reeling from the power of the kiss.
"For you Tempe, I would do anything." He replied smiling.
I looked over at the clock. It was 1 in the morning and we both had to work. I did not want him out on the streets this time of night.
"Booth, it is late and we have work tomorrow. Please stay here. Matter of fact, I would not mind if we fell asleep right here, just like this. This is the safest I have felt for some time. We can work out the details tomorrow after we have had some rest. I think I love you. "I said just taking in the warmth of his arms around me.
His eyes told me he wasn't going to argue and out we went until the alarm went off. Thinking it was a dream, I opened my eyes to a handsome sleeping man next to me. I did not know where all of this would go but I felt almost certain all would come out well. At least for the moment, I felt a completely foreign sense of peace.
Today I would have to thank Angela for her intervention and for her insistence. Angela brought Booth back to me and that is the greatest gift she would ever give me.