Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize. All but a few random characters that I made up belong to Ms. Rowling.
Author's Notes: I would like to thank everyone at Fictionalley.org for helping me make the worst Mary Sue ever. Thanks to Saucy Pirate! (
Another thing: This story contains Order of the Phoenix spoilers to the dozens. And, our main goal is to make fun of all the Green Flame Torch fics. This is clichéd and quite frightening. Run if you need, and keep a bucket nearby. And some tissues as you may cry from laughter.
And now, to our regularly scheduled program.
Harry gazed over the street of Privet Drive. It was the middle of night, and he could not sleep. Memories of the past two years managed to flick their way into his dreams, waking him with a cold sweat.
The street was empty and the weather had not changed. The heat still bothered the residents, and they gave up with opening their windows for a breeze. Harry personally liked the hot air now as he felt cold inside- a cold that no heat could fix.
After the warning given to his Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and cousin Dudley, Harry was free to come and go through the house as he pleased. Uncle Vernon tended to turn deep purple when Harry didn't do what he said or tracked the house with mud, and Aunt Petunia would rest a hand on his beefy arm and give him a warning look.
Harry's eyes stared to droop. He couldn't stay up any longer. He would have to wait until morning to see if Hedwig had gotten any answer to his letter....
When he woke the next morning, several figures were crowded in his small room. He blinked a few times and tried to get up, but still felt too tired. In another minute, he was on his feet, wand out, and blinking at their faces.
"Stay back!" he yelled, still blinded. There was a light chuckle mixed with one that Harry thought sounded like Fluer's when he had known the part veela, and an angry grumble.
A hand shuffled past his face and put the large black glasses back onto his face. He could see clearly now and realized the standing near him were Remus Lupin, 'Mad-Eye' Moody, Tonks (who preferred not to be called by her first name, Nymphadora), and another woman.
Like last time, Remus had taken the spot closest to Harry. He look the same as Harry remembered him though seemed to have aged slightly, but wasn't grinning as truly as last time. Tonks was next to him and kept her hair spiky and pink. She wore jeans and a pink shirt that lightened her hair tone slightly. Mad-Eye wore a traveling clock again and had a bowler hat in one hand. He looked pleased, and Harry realized, with a happy pang, that he must have scared the Dursleys.
The last woman was very tall, over six feet. Her build was rather thin, yet muscular. She wore a tube top to show off perfect abs. Hip- huggers from an American designer company hung off her shapely hips. A curtain of raven curls fell around her oval face to her small hips. Blue, purple, and red highlights in it stood out to Harry the most. Her pale face shown with a light and her blood-red lips let Harry glimpse fangs hanging over them slightly. Her eyes were wide, innocent, and doe-like. They were a gold-flecked green, but as Harry stared, they turned to a deep gold.
Remus saw Harry glance at the woman and sighed; he did not seem to like this woman as Harry was already.
"And that's-"
"My name is Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black." Remus looked slightly angry at her interruption and continued.
"She's going to be y-"Mariasha cut him off again.
"I will be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Harry." She smiled and Harry felt his heart melt into a puddle.
"Yes," Remus said bitterly, glaring sideways at her. Harry noticed that Remus actually seemed mad for once, but ignored him.
"Come, Harry dear," Mariasha whispered seductively. "We're going to take you to Headquarters. You may spend the rest of your summer there."
Remus saw Harry staring at her again and was tempted to roll his eyes, but concentrated on unlocking the door now. He held open the door for Tonks and Moody, then Harry, then tried to shut it on Mariasha, but she glared at him and made her way in, crushing before him.
Harry had the feeling that they did not like each other, but ignored it again.
The next few days were spent with Mariasha. She taught Harry Occlumency as Snape refused to do so.
"At the age of three, as I was leaning French - my ninth language learnt –"she looked proud of herself, "- I found out that I was a skilled Legimens. Dumbledore took me into Hogwarts."
"I thought you couldn't get in until you're eleven," Harry asked, dazed by her beauty. She had changed into a slinky red dress and her hair was in a bun, a few curls tumbling down. She still admitted a light glow.
"Well, my parents died when I was young. Actually, my mother did. My father is evil, you see. Yet I still love him so."
"Really. Is he a Death Eater?"
"No." She hesitated and plunged on. "He's Voldemort."
"You're so brave," Harry whispered, still staring at her in awe.
She grinned. "Thank you very much." Then, she clasped a hand to her chest and opened her mouth, letting out an, "Oh!" She grabbed from thin air a letter. "I never got to give you this. Dumbledore trusted me with it."
Harry took the letter but threw it carelessly to the side.
"How old are you?" he asked, still amazed by her.
"I'm fifteen years old." Harry looked confused.
"But – but-"
"I graduated Hogwarts when I was eleven, then traveled the world, getting experience in Defense Against the Dark Arts. After a year, the Ministry of Magic saw how brilliant I was and I became the youngest auror at the age of twelve."
"Then..." Harry trailed off and leaned in to kiss her. She pushed herself away, eyes wide and doe-like.
"Harry, I'm married." His jaw dropped open and he spluttered. "Well, I have an arranged marriage to Sir Polar Mike Law Ju Van Quinny Luke de Calor Muan Yin-van de Harrisburg of Fingorlion Atenture de Rolamee Qua." Harry sighed and bowed his head, about to cry.
"Why?" he asked miserably.
"I'm part vampric, you see. As I am faerie, angel, mermaid, centaur, pixie, Elf, phoenix, and veela. I'm Queen of Vampires and your god-father's sister, so I have to have an arranged marriage." Harry was dazed.
"But then, I'm not married yet." She and Harry leaned in. Eyes closed, Harry felt his lips make contact....Harry spent most of the summer with his new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Once, as he was in his room doodling pictures of her, he heard a knock at the door.
"Sweetie?" he called to the door, thinking it was Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black.
Lupin walked into the room, looking slightly disgusted. "What did you call me?"
"I-I thought you were Mariasha Zalike Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black. So-sorry." He blushed.
Lupin pulled a face. "Harry, I really suggest you don't obsess over her too mu-"
"WHAT DO YOU FRIKKIN' KNOW?! NOTHING! THAT'S WHAT!" Harry stormed, getting up and shoving himself past Lupin roughly.
Lupin sighed, turned on his heel, and walked outside.A nice little walk in the park never hurt anyone, Remus Lupin decided. He needed to clear his mind and figure out if Harry was mad because Sirius had d- Don't think about that, he scolded himself - or maybe the fact that Mariasha de la Whatever was starting to take a toll on him.
He was very surprised to see one of his past students sitting glumly on a bench.
"Neville? What are you doing here?"
Neville looked round and saw Lupin. "Professor Lupin!" He stared for a moment. "I – I was just walking here. Why are you here?"
"Long story." He took a seat next to him.Marisha broke away from Harry again, turning so that Harry could not see the smirk that controlled her lips. First, it was daddy, now a new Dark Lord shall rise: Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black. All I need to do is get rid of the runt.
You may think that this will be like every other Mary Sue parody, but trust me: this one has a twist.
Mantuar