He stands and stares. He stares at the other with the same cold and uncaring gaze he always wears, because he doesn't know what else to do. His heart beats erratically, despite the fact that he is silent and retaines his cool façade.
Cloud didn't actually say the words that are spinning around in his mind, but he might as well have.
The sparing match had started like every other one, like countless times before. Just the same; two free moments wordlessly joined by an unspoken question, and then pent up anxiety and anger and fear tear out of them as soon as metal clash. It's like with the first blow dealt they are released. They fight and fight and fight until neither can see or breathe properly and neither seem to be able to hold their weapons as high, legs subtly shaking. They are so grateful for this moment the other has given, for once too exhausted to be burdened by the past or to turn uncertain thoughts to the future. But they have never said any of that out loud, never thanked the other, and they never will. That's just how they are.
They get to that so familiar point and everything is as it usually is, but abruptly –with the smallest of gestures- the comfortable cycle has been broken. Because for the first time Cloud slowly approaches Leon and pushes a potion in his trembling hands. And then he looks at him, really looks at him. Straight in the eyes, something Cloud has never really done before since coming to live in this broken world; he's always been too ashamed.
But now Leon is taken aback at the burning look that is leveled on him; is unprepared for the emotion that glows in those bright blue eyes that are too suddenly alive. Cloud looks at him meaningfully, as if begging him to understand; eyes filled with the rare emotion that never fails to convey what Cloud so desperately wants to be heard.
You mean so goddamn much to me.
The implied words hang between them. Neither move, and the blond warrior briefly wonders if he affected the 'ice prince' at all, if Leon's as nervous as he is. And then without warning the tension is shattered; Cloud looks away at the same time Leon turns towards the exit,
"Whatever."
He leaves the other standing vulnerable. He walks away because, for a moment, he is Squall again. He is the moody, unfeeling teen who just doesn't understand. Doesn't understand the world, or even the people he shares it with. But he is also Leon, stoic and never changing. He is their leader, the savior of this town that depends on him so singularly. He has a very crucial job, one that doesn't give him time for such trivial matters. And aside from everything else, he is a man. Cloud is also, so what he is silently asking for isn't possible. The idea had never crossed his mind before, nor is he comfortable with it now that it has. Loving Cloud…is out of the question.
Days pass and Leon goes about his life, acting as if it never happened. He pretends nothing has changed, but keeps his distance from the blond swordsman. But he can't really hide, he finds out all too quickly, not when Cloud is a part of his restoration committee and has even taken residence in the same house they all share.
And so he ignores the other as much as he can, diverting his gaze when necessary. But every so often he still catches a look from Cloud, a look that speaks loudly where words never used to be.
It is when he least expects it that Cloud strolls out of the darkness, passing by too closely for the lion not to tense. And as he does so, it's like time has slowed down, Cloud's bright cerulean eyes shifting to look at him sideways and speaks softly, but no less deliberately,
"Stop running away."
Time returns to normal as Leon brushes by coldly, "Whatever."
More time passes; days, weeks, all of it turning to months. All that time spent ignoring the one who only wishes for approval; their placating sparing matches a vague memory that even Leon finds he misses.
But soon enough he is consumed by his work once more, Cloud disappearing more often and for longer periods of time…just like before. And it is with this return to normalcy that comes the inevitable.
Cloud vanishes. But that's not quite the right word because they all have an idea of where he is. He's off chasing Sephiroth, fighting for his light…the light he lost, and then tried to find in another.
Leon pretends like it's none of his concern, like it doesn't really matter to him. He's so good at pretending in fact, that he even manages to fool himself. Convincing himself so thoroughly that he doesn't care, that he's not having second thoughts, that the slowly growing doubt and regret doesn't exist. Because he's Leon and also Squall, and he's a man, one with important responsibilities.
But the day comes all too quickly, the day that they all dread, the day where Cid drags Cloud's unconscious body home. He's covered in deep wounds that bleed freely and have infected openings, body frail and lungs heaving, just barely hanging on. And they just can't get him to wake up; not even with all the potions Yuffie is pouring over him and all the Cure spells Aerith is killing herself casting.
Leon can't deny the fear anymore, can't ignore the hopeless anxiety that eats him away inside, or the regret that fills him up until he feels like he could just burst.
He can't help it. He can't help the burning question that slips out so quietly he isn't even sure if he's said it, "Is he…going to make it?" and he doesn't even care how helpless he sounds when his voice hitches at the thought.
Aerith's eyes -so gentle and unsure it breaks his heart- are filling with tears, even though he can tell she's trying so hard to be brave. Trying to keep it together for them. For him. She looks at him with those eyes that scream to be comforted, to be told that it'll be all right and that it's not her fault, and says the last thing he wants to hear,
"I…I don't know."
Time waits for no one.
Don't be afraid to live for the moment.