THE FAITH IN THE DREAM
Chapter 1 - Booth
The hole in my heart grew three sizes bigger as soon as I walked out the airport doors. I'd just left her in the airport on the way to some jungle somewhere. What was I thinking? How in the hell was I going to live through being without her for a year? My feet stopped moving. I panicked. How was this happening? We're not supposed to be doing this. I started to run back across the parking lot and stop her. We had cases to solve. We had people to identify. We needed to be here. We needed to be together. There were things to fix and at the top of the list was our relationship. Since I decided to be the gambler and finally tell her what I was feeling, it had been awkward. I'd lied when I said we could go back. The hole was too big. I wanted her too much. I tried but there was still this aching that wouldn't go away. She felt it too, and I knew down deep that she was going away to run from it.
"So Booth… why did you call me?" Sweets leaned over to grab both sides of a rather large burger he'd ordered at the diner. He sank his teeth into the gooey, cheesy delight and immediately closed his eyes as if he'd just tasted the best thing in the universe.
"I don't know. I'm feeling uneasy about this returning to the army situation," I said knowing very well that it wasn't the army that was making me uneasy. It was the leaving, the being apart from Bones.
"Ok, so let's talk about it. I know you've been out of commission for awhile," Sweets' eyes lit up. This was the stuff he loved. It made it that much better that I was calling him for the advice. To him, it meant that I was finally seeing his worth.
Chewing on my philly cheese sandwich, I ran through the different ways I could approach the topic. I'd already started out of the gate lying. If I was going get this off my chest, the best approach was to just be brutally honest. Sweets was the safest choice. He at least was bound by doctor patient confidentiality. Hell, he already really knew. His book had the sequence of events wrong, but the ultimate conclusion from my perspective was dead on. I was in love with Bones. What he didn't know was that everything I'd done since the day I met her was driven by that love even when I didn't know it. It was time to come absolutely clean. Sweets' stare brought me out of my thoughts and I focused.
"Where did you go, Booth?" He grabbed a fry and chewed while I watched him go into observation mode. Okay, suck it up, coward! I began slowly.
"Alright, I'm going to tell you something. Mainly because I need your help in trying to figure out how I move forward." The child like curiosity in him was breaking through as he leaned up in the chair excited to be learning something new about me.
I took a deep breath. "I didn't suddenly realize I was in love with Bones when I came out of the coma. I'm pretty sure I've always been in love with her. I think since the first day we met." There, it was out there now. It couldn't be taken back. "So you see your conclusion in the book was correct. You just had the timing wrong. We didn't grow into love because of the partnership. I created the partnership because I was in love."
Sweets eyes widened and a broad smile crossed his face. "Wow, I didn't see that coming."
"Yeah, thought that would be insightful for ya," I grabbed a fork and began stabbing the baked potato that I hadn't touched. "Anyway, I called you here because I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around going to Afghanistan and…"
"…being separated from Dr. Brennan," Sweets interrupted.
"Yeah, I guess that hits the nail on the head." I squeezed my eyes shut as I had a visceral reaction to the words "separated" and "Brennan". Taking a deep breath, I tried to get my equilibrium back. Sweets and I sat in silence for a few moments while I watched him try to figure out what to say.
Finally, he spoke. "So don't go to Afghanistan. Get on a plane to Maluku and bring her back."
"I want to. I really do, but it's not that easy. I know Bones. She's running."
"Running? From you? I thought you told her you were moving on. I thought you'd agreed to just be partners. "
"In theory, but she knows we're not the same. I've accepted her decision, but it's not really over for me. For the first time in my life, I lied to her. I told her we could go back to what we were before. What she doesn't know is that in my mind there is no "before". It's always been me loving her."
"This is way deep." For the first time, Sweets actually looked like he had no psychological research to fall back on. He really had nothing to say.
I smiled. "This is more hopeless than I thought."
"Ok… first you have to tell me the real story. Since you're coming clean, I need to hear the whole truth from you. "
I was mildly irritated when I walked into that classroom. I didn't really need a scientist. I needed sleep. I needed one of my teams to win so I could pick up a heap load of money. That's what I needed. I opened the door thinking this is a gigantic waste of time. Then I saw her. She was standing at the front of the room talking gibberish to a room full of enthralled students. She was beautiful. No, that was too small a word. She was astonishing. My mouth opened involuntarily and my mind stopped all thought. I'd seen pretty women before, but there was something completely different about her. She was brilliant, confident, secure in her own skin, and overwhelmingly sexy. As I watched the rest of her presentation, a thousand thoughts that had nothing to do with the case I'd come there for entered my mind. Was she single? Was she as beautiful inside as she was out? If she had a husband or boyfriend, how long would it take and how wrong would I be to steal her from him? I couldn't take my eyes off her. When I introduced myself, and she shook my hand something in my heart clicked.
The kiss was the problem. If she hadn't kissed me, I would have been able to walk away. End the case, thank her for her service and simply walk away. But she put her lips on mine and I had the chance to breathe her in. I knew the kiss would be my undoing. That's why I told her about my gambling. Something in my mind told me that I needed to get whatever could block us out of the way. Then she kissed me and drove away. I stood there in the rain knowing that I would spend the rest of my stupid life trying to get close enough to kiss her again. The funny thing was the next morning she hated me. Knowing what I know now, I'm sure that the hate was her first attempt to run from what I know we are. I, on the other hand, decided then and there to really give up gambling. I'd also decided that this was the perfect time for me to make an argument for how important science was to solving cases.
I was still removing obstacles when I decided to tell Bones about the other me. Booth the sniper. The Booth that was responsible for shooting a man in front of his own son. I'd really sworn to never share that piece of myself with anyone. My brother didn't even know. It was the huge secret that made me who I was now. The fact that I was unwilling to share that piece of my life had messed up more than a few relationships, including, I guessed, the one I had with Rebecca. She didn't marry me because she didn't know me. Not really. Bones hadn't asked about my life as a soldier. This mere fact might have been the reason I offered this part of myself so freely. The only thing I did know at that moment was that this thing that I was carrying would eventually keep us from being together and I couldn't let that happen. I wanted her to know me fully and completely, the way I wanted to know her.
When Sully entered the picture, I panicked. The mere thought of Bones going out on one date with him nearly sent me into shock. Had it been any other man, I wouldn't have been so worried. But Sully, I knew Sully. I knew he wouldn't be a fling. I knew he would go after her for keeps and I couldn't deal with that. That would mess up everything I'd been secretly planning. I was trying to calm my nerves the whole time she was dating him. I kept concentrating on not freaking out and saying something I would be sorry for later. I played my position - the partner, the friend - even when ways I could undermine the union crossed my mind. I'd moved through about a thousand different plans if Bones really decided to leave with him. I'd have to stop her if it came down to watching her sail away. Luckily when I got to the dock, she was waving and the boat was sailing north. I breathed in deeply. I still had time. The weird thing was Sully's departure should have calmed me, but it did the opposite. I felt pressure. Our relationship was feeling strained. It all came to head when we worked the priest case so I called Dr. Wyatt in. He'd helped me before, so I trusted him. When he identified the problem as us being thrown off kilter because Bones had decided to stay because of me I knew he was right. The scary thing about Wyatt is that he's very intuitive about the truth that you are and are not ready to receive. Because of this, he cleaned it up for Bones. He told her that she'd made the decision because she couldn't live a purposeless life. He'd definitely bended the truth, but it seemed to fix the problem.
The Rebecca debacle was just a distraction. Of course, I'd once loved Rebecca. Our relationship created Parker, but I didn't love her now. I needed to be out of my head for a minute. I needed to still feel wanted. Rebecca showing up on my doorstep that night was just the best opportunity for me to tackle the problem. Sleeping with her would at least take me back to a time when there was no Bones. Funny thing was it ended up being the catalyst for her to finally relieve my subconscious fear that she didn't marry me because she was looking for a better father for Parker. I love that kid. More than I've loved anything in my entire less than spectacular existence. To me, he was a miracle. The only thing I'd done on the earth that proved I belonged here. It was important to me that Rebecca knew that, and something told me that Bones had something to do with her finally telling me what I needed to hear.
I was really thanking her for that when I told her I appreciated her support regarding Rebecca. And then it occurred to me while I was talking about the risk of sleeping with people just to have sex, that I was telling myself that I couldn't just have sex with Bones. If I got close enough to really being with her, I wouldn't be able to go back. For a minute during the discussion, I could have sworn that she was really offering herself, and for just a second, I considered reaching out and grabbing whatever I could get. Then Hodgins and Angela walked in and stopped us from thinking. Satisfying biological urges with women I didn't have feelings for was one thing, but sleeping with Bones without her loving me would destroy me.
I fell into the pseudo relationship with Cam by accident. It just happened. I was thinking about Bones when I walked into Cam's office. She'd given me that look that always turns me on. The miracle was that we were interrupted. Two seconds later and I might have had her on the desk. I walked out and went directly to Cam's office to tell her to butt out of my personal life. She started defending her decision to tell Angela about Rebecca and I just grabbed her. I think I continued sleeping with her because it was comfortable. I didn't have to think or wonder or analyze with her. It just was. Deep down I think she knew she was playing second fiddle. That's why she didn't pressure me into really committing or even moving to a next step. Secretly, I wanted Bones to care. I wanted her to be bothered or show some sense of discomfort. The fact that she didn't only made it easier for me to stay in limbo. The gravedigger changed everything. The moment I got the call telling me that Bones and Hodgins were buried I couldn't think about anything but what I could lose. I stopped breathing.
I deflected my anger towards the squints. I couldn't focus on anything but getting her out of that hole and bringing her back to me. If it hadn't been obvious to Cam before, I knew it was now. When I found her and pulled her out of that hole, her hug brought me back to life. We'd shared many hugs over the years and each time it was harder for me to let go. This time, she held on to me like letting go would kill her. She didn't stop until I pulled away to help drag Hodgins out.
Like that moment, I'd noticed that every now and then her emotions would betray her. It had to be an extreme situation, one that was life or death. We'd get through it and then after it was over, everything she was feeling – sadness, loss, empathy - would flood her and she wouldn't be able to control it. In most cases, when it had to do with one of us leaving the other I was pretty sure the emotion was love. She was worried but in survival mode when I saved her from the mistake I made in trusting my old FBI buddy. It was when I ducked under her arms to lift her from that chain that she fell apart. She held me so tight it hurt me. When I played dead after I was shot in the bar, she meant it when she punched me in the face. She was so angry she was shaking. The same thing happened when she saved me from the gravedigger. As soon as I jumped in to the helicopter and she did a quick scan to make sure I wasn't hurt, she grabbed me and didn't let go until we were safely on the ground. These memories always filled my brain when I began to wonder if she felt anything for me.
The holiday season meant good cheer, kindness and love to me, but for Bones it meant separation. Because of this, I always tried to do something to make the holidays special for her. When we ended up under mistletoe kissing passionately, the tables turned. She'd explained the catalyst. I consciously knew that she was kissing me to get what she needed from Caroline, but unconsciously it took me back to the first time we kissed. For a split second, I almost lost my cool. My heart went into overdrive and I wanted to throw her against the nearest wall to finish what we started. Luckily, my brain kicked in and controlled the urge. When we parted, I think we both were confused. The encounter felt like a lightning bolt. The feeling just served to reinforce my mission. Her love was the prize.
The pregnancy request was a huge surprise. I had no idea before she blurted it out that she'd had any thoughts close to procreating. It was the most visible sign that she was evolving. I'd been seeing her gradually move more and more towards showing the human emotion and empathy, I always knew she had, but this move was the most dramatic. When she asked me to father the child, I secretly rejoiced. As complicated as the decision was on the outside, inside it was simple. We belonged together so of course I would father this baby. Cam was right. It was me acting on my need to be connected to her for life without really saying it to her. It was putting the cart a bit before the horse. But she wanted my child and I wanted nothing more than to have proof that we loved each other, even without it being overtly stated. I wanted a baby with my genes that had her eyes and smile. The opportunity had presented itself so why not take it? I freaked out at the end because I knew deep down it would be impossible for me to act like I was disconnected. Once we had a child, I wouldn't be able to watch her go to a home that wasn't ours.
Until the brain tumor appeared, I had just been waiting around, waiting for the light to come on for her, waiting for her to acknowledge the big something between us, maybe even waiting for Angela to talk her into seducing me or something. But the tumor changed everything, I woke up from that dream with a sense of my own mortality. I just dodged a bullet. I was supposed to be dead. There was no more time for me to wait. I had to make something happen. Down deep I knew it wasn't the dream, or some weird chemical in my brain. I loved her truly and completely, and that scared the shit out of me.
I needed to tell her before it was too late, but I just didn't know how to begin forming the words. For the next couple of months, I spent my time just trying to figure out how to drop the bomb. I couldn't come out of nowhere with it. We couldn't just be riding in the car. It had to be the right moment. The challenging thing was the moment I was looking for didn't seem to be coming anytime soon.
God smiled on me the night we ended up in the museum basement alone. We were close, and I felt something in her click. It felt like a realization when she repeated my words "what happens between us is ours." Everything in the air was shouting at me to kiss her, but as soon as I moved close enough the gang interrupted and the moment was lost.
I moved through the next couple of months sleep walking. I was not on my game because the frustration was getting to me. I didn't realize it until I missed my shot at the range. I'm a trained sniper. How do I miss a shot? I went to see Wyatt so it wouldn't be a major FBI ordeal. I didn't want to hear that it was a symptom of my brain tumor. I knew it was something else. Wyatt seemed to know it too. My unfulfilled dreams of love were messing with my reality. The stupid thing was subconsciously I was building a family and a future around a woman I couldn't have.
My grandfather's sudden entrance into my sad life was a good surprise. It was like he knew I needed him. I loved the old man, and I'd been meaning to go see him. I always called him every two weeks or so to make sure he was taking care of himself, but when we talked he only seemed to be interested in making sure I was happy. We'd talked on and off about my work so of course Bones had come up. During one conversation, I remember him assuming that she was unattractive because she was a scientist. Before I could stop it, my gut reaction was to defend her. I blurted out, "No Pops, she's actually gorgeous." He must have heard something in my voice because from that point on, he stopped asking about work and kept asking about Bones. The last time we'd talked he seemed to sense something was wrong. Maybe that's the why he'd decided to come see me. I remember when I was old enough to date, he told me that I would know when I met the right one. He described a feeling he couldn't quite articulate, but he said he had it when he met my grandma. Somehow, I think he knew I felt it when I met Bones. So when he told me to listen to my heart, I knew I had to.
My mouth nearly dropped at the shock when she toasted my brother and his fiancé. She was softening. She was acknowledging love. The knowledge that she was opening herself to the concept gave me hope. Maybe I could tell her without having my heart splattered on the floor. Maybe the answer would be better than I imagined.
When she said no that night, everything changed, but not for the reasons you would expect. When I kissed her, she kissed me back. When I held her tight, she grabbed on to me for dear life. She felt the reverence and weight in the moment. I watched her face as she pleaded with me to not say what I was saying. The fear in her eyes was immediate. She cried. She knew she would ruin it, and somehow ruin us. She was afraid that all her degrees wouldn't match up to what I was offering her, my complete and total heart. The responsibility of it was too big for her handle. Emotion was taking over logic. Her eyes filled with tears because she was fighting herself, what she really wanted. All I could think about was the future that she was stopping - the conversations, the kisses, the little fights, the making up, the kids, the growing old together. She was stopping us. She was stopping what I had spent six years building in my head. My heart stopped beating for a moment. I didn't know what to do to make it better. I didn't know how to keep her from saying the things that would keep us apart. So as always, I retreated. I gave up. I lied and told her we would be okay. The center would hold.
"So how do we fix this?" Sweets leaned back in the chair and tapped his fingers on the table quickly.
"I don't know that we can." I'd been in a constant state of depression since the night I'd told her. We'd been working. It just wasn't the same. Now, I was trying to protect myself. I'd briefly dated Catherine in hopes that she would distract me. I played married couple at Bones' reunion, and almost broke out into a cold sweat when she wrapped herself around me to dance under the stars. I even acted like it was okay for her to leave me.
"Hopelessness doesn't look good on you, Booth. We can fix this," immediately Sweets picked up his cell, and called the airport. "There's a flight leaving in 2 hours that can get you halfway there. We'll have to call her agent to get the other travel details."
"Getting to her is not the problem, Sweets. It's the making her see what she's throwing away. It's getting her to trust us. I need her to believe that the feelings we have for each other are strong enough to hold us together no matter what she thinks will happen." There was that chest pain again. I had a feeling it was the fear that I was talking about something that would never happen.
"Look, Booth. She loves you. Don't doubt it for a second. You have to convince her that she is not what she thinks she is. It's not an easy task but you know it's not impossible. There are so many things that she's accepted because she's seen them in you or because of you. This one is just huge. It's about her overcoming who she is because of her past. She has to understand that no matter how she's been hurt, her heart is not broken. It's the healing that has made her heart so much stronger than it was before." As Sweets spoke, I smiled. His flowery words needed singing violins in the background or at least a few cellos.
"I don't know, man. I'm just not sure I can stand another pounding, " I said. As soon as the words crossed my lips, I knew I was wrong. I was raised on faith. Faith got me through a childhood that was far from stellar. Faith got me through doing what I had to do as a soldier. And faith had allowed me to wait as long as I had for her to love me. No matter how I tried, something in me still wouldn't give up now.
Sweets grabbed the check and reached for his wallet. "Just go. Figure it out when you get there. It's better than languishing here and wondering if you could have changed it. There's this quote outside the office building. It says 'Nothing happens unless first a dream'. Maybe you had the dream to push you to quit waiting and make it happen." He got up, quickly placed some bills on the table and then smiled. "Besides if you don't do it, I'll make sure you're booked for extra sessions when you come back."
I groaned, watched him walk out the door and grabbed a cold fry. My thoughts took me back to the dream. When I woke up from the coma, I was mourning a life that was complete. I had Bones, a baby and real, true love. If I wanted it back, I was going to have to work harder for it. I reached into my pocket, and flipped out my cell.
"Yes, you booked travel arrangements to the Maluku Islands for a Dr. Temperance Brennan. I'm her partner and I need to meet her there."