Revenge of the Alcohol

By Mister Schnopps

Disclaimer: Ruby belongs to me, 'cause I'm Ruby. Elisabeth belongs to miss julep, 'cause she's Elisabeth. Kelly belongs to Miss Chardonnay, 'cause she's Kelly. The other insignificant beings belong to Tamora Pierce.

Author's Note: Yep. I also wrote this on my b-day. After "Blood of Worry". It's a lot less serious, more stupid. There should be a category called "idiotic". Take out "supernatural" and put in "idiotic". This would definitely fit into that genre. Anyway, I hope you have fun reading this. I was only half-awake when I wrote this, so it might be a little strange. Actually, knowing me, it's gonna be strange. Also, it might help if you have read Kel's Story by me and Miss Julep. This has a lot of references to it. PG for occasional cussing and mild violence.

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Three friends—Kelly, who called herself Miss Chardonnay; Ruby, who called herself Mister Schnopps; and Elisabeth, aka miss julep—sat in a room, cracking themselves up over another stupid joke of Ruby and Elisabeth's. After the laughter subsided, Elisabeth said something serious. (A/N-for one in her life. J/k)

"Hey, Kel? Have you read all of Ruby's and mine stories on the TP section of ff.n? —Kel's Story, Alanna and I, The Retirement Plan, Unhappily Ever After, and Blood of Worry? (A/N-hinthinthint)"

"Yep. Well, actually just a couple. You guys were seriously on something when you wrote Kel's Story. No, just kidding, it was so funny. I agree with it so much! Even though—"


Ruby, being her usual rude self, interrupted. "Oh, I know! Some people dun like Kel and Raoul, but they're so perfect for each other! Both are tall, strong, and have a kick ass personality! But Kel/Neal is stupid. So unoriginal. Which is why THAT will end soon enough. And Kel/Cleon? Ugh! Don't even get me started on Cleon. That idiotic, annoying—"\

"Ruby, we get the point. We only see you about 1700 times a day! We know that you hate Cleon! Get back to the plot of this stupid story, idiot girl!" screamed Elisabeth.

"Okay, okay! So I'll stop! Sheesh. So…um…let's play computer games!"

"Fine" grumbled Kelly and Elisabeth. They'd do nearly anything to get Ruby off the subject of Cleon.

After playing computer games for a couple hours, the three buddies logged onto ff.n, read lots of stories, and finally got to Kel's Story.

"Hey, who cares if we wrote it, let's read it anyway!" said Elisabeth.

Ruby and Kelly both nodded their heads in agreement. They reached the part where Cleon and Shinko were about to get beheaded.

"My God!" chortled Ruby. "I can't believe I actually wrote that part! They deserved it, though. That stupid redhead deserves worse. He deserves—"

"Ruby!" warned Elisabeth, while Kelly threw a pillow into Ruby's face. "What did we tell you about Cleon? Spare us the agony." Sheepishly, Ruby stopped trying to talk.

Kelly opened her mouth to make another lame joke. (A/N-J/K, K-T! Your jokes aren't lame!), when suddenly, the story displayed on the computer screen jumped out and pulled Mr. Schnopps, Miss Julep, and Miss Chardonnay into the beheading scene.

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Cleon gaped at the three stunningly beautiful (A/N-j/k!) girls who had suddenly appeared in the middle of the courtyard. Untangling themselves from the cluster of speculators and such, Ruby, Elisabeth, and Kelly climbed onto the beheading platform. (A/N-Obviously, Cleon and Shinko are still alive)

Elisabeth, gathering up her nerve (A/N-j/k, 'Lisa! I know that you are very brave), cleared her throat. "Hola, all! I'm Miss Julep. But since all you drink here is ale, you can call me Elisabeth."

After Elisabeth gave her mini-speech, Kelly gave the crowd a smile and a wave. Then she put on her cheesy French accent and said, "Bonjour! I'm Miss Chardonnay, but I know you would rather call me Kelly. No autographs at the moment, please!"

Ruby, after directing one last kick into Cleon's side, took a small bow. "Hola everyone! I'm Mr. Schnopps, aka Ruby. I bet you're wondering why we're here. Actually, I'm kinda wondering that myself, but who gives a shit? I'm in Tortall! Also bet you're wondering why Cleon is going to die—other than the fact that he slept with Shinko. Let me TELL you about HIM!"

Kelly and Elisabeth groaned.

"Shush, you two. The citizens of Tortall deserve to know the truth about him! So…Cleon," Ruby smiled evilly. "Cleon…"

(major pause) "Okay—firstly, he's scary. What kind of guy calls his friend "Dewdrop"? Freaky! I would personally freak out if my friend started calling me that. Next, he's a redhead. I've noticed that most redheads aren't very hot. (A/N-No offense to redheads. I just needed another reason why Cleon sux) Next, he takes advantage of Kel. I mean, you're jousting the Stump, let's go screw? She trusts him and he uses her to somewhat fulfill his horny desires! Or at least he tries. Ha. Lastly…um. I can't think of anything else. But you get my gist when I say Cleon sucks, and deserves to get 17 hours of torture, every bone broken, gutted, and hanged? Good, I thought so."

Ruby strutted to Kelly and 'Lisa. "Damn. I forgot half of my speech."

Elisabeth patted her arm. "It's okay. I think they got the point." (A/N-Elisabeth, say this in your sarcastic voice, and you'll know what I'm going for) She pointed to Cleon, who was now covered in rotten cabbage (A/N-Kelly, is it a rabid one? =P), tomatoes, and carrots. Even Shinko and Kel tried to hurt him, or at least his ego. Cleon's only response to this embarrassment was a feeble whimper.

"Hah! Kelly, I told all redheads are wimps! (A/N-again, no offense to redheads. This statement is simply just essential to the rest of the story.)"

Kelly just gave a look that said "whatever. Ruby, I don't know you anymore."

A petite redhead emerged from the mob, throwing a well-aimed tomato at Ruby. "What did you say about redheads?"

Ruby turned. "Bitch! This is my monkey shirt! (A/N-Kelly-munkuvay lavay!!!) I'm gonna get you! The statement is true, by the way!"

Alanna rolled up her sleeves. "Bring it on, bitch!"

"Ok!!!" Ruby obviously didn't realize she was about to fight the legendary Lioness. (A/N-I love making fun of myself!) She jumped on Alanna, and they proceeded to fight, which is the author is to lazy to right out move-by-move. Anyway, in the end, Ruby broke Alanna' snail. Alanna started to sob and nurse her now-short nail. Ruby delivered one last kick to Alanna's head. Alanna collapsed to the ground with a load thump.

Ruby raised her fists and gave a victory cry. "Bam! Bitch goes down! (A/N- That, by the way, is the only good part of the movie, Scream)

Kelly and Elisabeth each grabbed one of Ruby's arms. "Okay! You proved Alanna's a wuss, and Cleon's a loser! Let's go back home!"

"Wait!" screamed Ruby "Dude! Cleon's not dead yet! Maybe I'll just behead him myself." Grabbing Kel's glaive, she cut of Cleon's tomato encrusted head. She turned to Shinko, who rembled. "I'll let you live. Don't let me catch you screwing any more guys who ain't you hubby, k?" Shinko nodded, then sprinted off the platform. "OK, then. Only one more thing."

Strolling over to Kel and Raoul, Ruby pushed their heads together. "Be proud. Let the world know that you two are lovers!" They started to make out, an done could here the "occasional" yell of "Geez! Go find a room!"

Ruby wiped her hands on the fallen Alanna, then looked at he watch. "God Elisabeth! Why didn't you tell me it was 4 am?"

Elisabeth snickered. "You were having to much fun."

Kelly smiled. "You LOOKED like you were having a good time!"

Ruby grinned (A/N-wow, I'm getting kinda repetitive, aren't I?) sheepishly. "I was! Now Tortall is even more perfect. I can't wait 'till Lady Knight comes out!"

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A/N-Yes, another one of these. So, I'm surprised you actually got this far. I know the writing and plot and stuff is really bad, but I had SO MUCH fun writing this. Don't get the title? Schnopps, Julep, and Chardonnay are all alcohol. Actually, it should just be called Revenge of the Evil Mr. Schnopps. But now do you understand the title a little better? Good. Review. Now. Oh, one more thing-------If Tamora Pierce doesn't seriously hurt Cleon in Lady Knight, I'm gonna email her this story.