I stare out the window of the tour bus zoning out thinking about her, the one that got away I was so stupid to kiss Tess to try and get back at her for kissing her old boyfriend. Except she didn't kiss him, he kissed her and wouldn't let her out of it; I know that now because of Mitchie, who talks to her frequently. We don't speak her name around me at all, even when Mitchie gets a phone call and it's from her she goes into the other room to answer it, that's not the only reason but its one of them at least. I remember all of the fun times we had on tour, at camp, at my house, at her house, everywhere, we did everything together, we always had each other's backs then this happened; me being an idiot happened. We broke up six months ago I saw her, in passing three months ago she still haunts my every thought, I still have her picture on my nightstand I couldn't take it down. I keep a picture of us kissing on top of the empire state building; it had been a beautiful day the sun shining a few clouds in the sky that weren't too bad, she had been complaining that her lips were dry and that she needed Chap Stick, so I kissed her, Mitchie took the photo. Another one we took was one of me holding her close, the wind whipping her hair, we were both laughing at the camera, that one was also a beautiful picture I kept it in my guitar case.
"Nate" says Shane waving a hand in my face to get me to come back to the present, I finally look at him he sees the look in my eye and groans. "Nate" he says grabbing my shoulders so he would keep my attention "you have to stop thinking about her, you need to move on, it's been six months" he says to me. His eyes filled with concern for my mental sanity, they were all afraid I was going to go crazy on them but I haven't yet, I just don't talk, a couple words I used to be more talkative but now I just don't. Mitchie walked out, hearing everything that went down and came over to me.
"Nate don't worry about her she's fine, at least that's what she tells me" says Mitchie trying to be reassuring but can't stand lying, she hasn't told a lie since her first year at camp, which was two years ago.
"Can I just hear her voice?" I ask her looking Mitchie straight into the eye, sharing all the need just to hear her voice through my eyes, when Mitchie was finally able to look away, she dialed her number.
"It's me! Leave a message and well if I'm not to busy doing whatever it is I do I'll call you back" she says in a cheery voice that was not her usual cheery self, Mitchie clicked end.
"She's not ok, something is wrong, that isn't her voice" I say sternly to Mitchie.
"Nate, she's getting better it used to be worse but she'll never have the voice that you want to hear ever again because she changes when things change, but the voice she used to have that will always be her Nate voice" says Mitchie explaining it to me, I nod then turn back to the window trying to remember her 'Nate voice', her laugh everything about her as usual. We're heading back to L.A. where we'll be recording another album and doing all the usual stuff that used to be exciting but now it's just the same old stuff. When we reach the Connect 3 house, we get out, unpack and everything. The next morning, Shane is trying to get me up which I rather not do because we were having a vacation for two weeks before starting to record and doing the usual stuff.
"Why? Shane" I whine.
"We're going for a run come on put on some shorts and a wife beater" says Shane throwing the clothes at me, I get up, change, grab some shoes and am running down the stairs when I hear the door open.
"Shane wait for a second I need to grab my phone" I yell to him, it wasn't like no one was going to call unless she got dropped on her head and forgot the last six months then maybe, but I was always hopeful. I come running down the stairs when I go into the foyer to find, Mitchie opening the door to her. All the blood drains from my face, my jaw drops, she was still just as beautiful as when I last saw her. She smiles at Mitchie it wasn't her smile her smile is so much wider this was her semi happy smile, but the smile quickly goes off her face when she notices me frozen in the foyer at the bottom of the stairs. I still loved her like no tomorrow but I could never tell her that if I wanted her to move on and be happy, that's all I want for her: is to be happy.
"Nate you coming?" yells Shane walking out of the kitchen into the foyer to see what had happened, then I realized they had wanted me out of the house, for when this went on but it hadn't worked since she must have arrived earlier then expected. Shane led me out of the room my body not wanting to move but reluctantly did we go out the side door. We started our run, after a little while not talking, I started talking for once.
"You didn't want me to see her, that's why you were making me go on a run, you know I probably wouldn't have ran into her if you just left me in bed" I say to him, Shane sighs knowing he can't avoid this subject.
"Yes, but we didn't want to take the chance even though now I see our little plan didn't work either" replies Shane.
"Why?" I ask him, looking at Shane's face.
"Why what?" he asks me.
"Why didn't you want me to see her?" I ask him, Shane looks down at the ground then up at my face.
"Nate you can't even say her name, you cringe every single time you hear the name to the point we won't even say her name" says Shane.
"No I don't" I say defensively even though we both knew I couldn't.
"Say it then, say her name" says Shane; I take in a deep breath.
"…"
"See you can't say it, Nate your not over her and it's been six months if you can't get over her by now I don't know if you ever will but you could at least try and we've been trying to help you non stop; but you don't try at all" Shane points out to me. We stop talking for awhile, I thought about why I didn't try after awhile it finally clicked.
"Shane I don't think I try is because I don't want to try I don't care if I'm alone for the rest of my life because I know I won't find someone else I'll love as much as I love her, I don't think I can stop loving her even if I try I think it'll just hurt me and more people" I explain to him, the words just flowing out before I even think them, Shane stops running right there on the sidewalk.
"Wow and I thought you and her were going to be just some summer fling not something like this" says Shane trying to wrap his mind around it, I nod.
"Shane I love her, and I'll let her go if it makes her happy anything for her happiness" I say to him, Shane nods, we pick up our run again and run home, Mitchie had gone shopping for a couple hours with her. Shane and I hung out the rest of the day Jason and Ella were at the park for most of the day, so we hung out and played video games. Mitchie came in, 'she' had left in her car not coming inside, Mitchie had her hands full of bags, and Shane got up and helped her carry the stuff to their room. Then, Mitchie and Shane came downstairs; I had changed the channel, and was now watching That 70's Show. We went through the rest of the day with it being oddly quiet for our house; I was looking out the window at the rain when Mitchie put down her magazine.
"You know Nate she misses you" says Mitchie, I turn all of my attention on to Mitchie.
"She said that?" I ask her quietly, not sure I could handle it if Mitchie was making it up.
"No but I can see it in her eyes, the way she talks, the way she acts when she sees a picture of you, she misses you" says Mitchie reiterating the last part, I look down, then get up and run out to my car. I pull out as fast as I can without sliding or squealing the tires I see Shane's and Mitchie's face watching me as I go to her house which was 20 minutes away with ok traffic it was around 10 when I pulled in front of her house, I see a light on in her room. I get out and knock on her door, it takes a few minutes but she opens the door.
"What are you doing here?" she asks me, it felt nice to hear her voice in person even if it wasn't her usual voice, I take in her appearance, her eyes are red and puffy like she's just been crying and she's wearing my old boxers and one of my old shirts. It was true she really did miss me.
"I'm an idiot, I should have listened to your side of the story the reason I didn't listen was because you're too good for me. The only reason I let you go was because I thought you'd be happier without me but I was never happy, you consumed my every thought, and I'm sorry Caitlyn Gellar, I'm deeply sorry" I say to her, she looks at me surprised by this. "I love you, but if you don't want me back I understand I'll wait for you till I grow old because I can't love anyone else as much as I love you" I finish, she looks at me stunned by this.
"I love you too" says Caitlyn shocked by the words coming out of her mouth "I didn't know I felt this way but I guess I always knew though seeing you today just reminded me of it" says Caitlyn, and that's when I pulled her into a kiss, it was an amazing kiss, the one where you don't rush and are just purely confessing your love in one simple kiss.