AN: Here is the second installment of my parody series, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest!
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing that you recognize.
Ominous dark water.
It's raining.
A lot.
There may or may not have been a wedding planned for today, and it may or may not have been the wedding of Elizabeth Swan and William Turner.
Elizabeth Swan is staring desolately at her bouquet, in the rain.
Way to be a drama queen.
Now there are British soldiers every where. They have Will.
Will: You look beautiful.
Elizabeth: I think its bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
I'm pretty sure its even worse luck if the groom is in shackles, but that's just my opinion.
Governor Swan: Excuse me! What 'ze fuuuuck?
Lord Beckett: William Turner, you are being arrested for piracy.
Governor Swan: This warrant's for Elizabeth…
Beckmeister: Oops! My mistake! Here's Will's! Redcoat minions! Shackle her up too!
And then, some stuff happens and now Jack Sparrow is rowing a coffin with a leg.
Some smelly pirates are talking and some are of South Asian decent, and now they are talking about keys.
Jack: I have here a magnificent picture of a key. Now, class, what do keys do?
Pirate: They unlock things!
Jack: Four for you, Glen Coco! You go, Glen Coco!
Midget Pirate: Gibbs, I'm uncomfortable following Jack, seeing as he has no idea of where to go.
Gibbs: Me too. But there is always a reason to Jack's madness.
Now we see Beckett again and he is talking to Will about giving Jack a job.
And now, we're back on the Pearl. Again.
Jack: Why is the rum always gone? -sees pirate blacked out, drunk- Oh, that's why.
A wet dead looking guy appears.
Jack: Bootstrap Bill Turner. And to what do I owe the pleasure of your carbuncle?
Bill: I work for Davy Jones:
Jack: Oh shiiiiiii- I know your son!
Bill: Will?
No, your other son -_-
Jack: Yep. He helped me steal this very boat.
Now, Bootstrap is talking about how he died and undied.
Bill: Davy Jones wants me to give you a black spot. Deuces!
Bootstrap leaves, Jack now has a black mass on his hand, and there is unnecessary hysteria on the Pearl.
The Kraken just ate a boat.
Now Will, Governor Swan., and Elizabeth the Useless are talking.
Useless is in jail. This makes me happier than I should be.
Will: I'll free you and then we'll be married…If you still have me.
Useless: I'd have you already if it weren't for these bars.
Governor Swan breaks a candle holder to diffuse the sexual tension between his daughter and Will.
They leave.
And now, there is a commercial break.
Ok, now we see Will, on a seemingly deserted island, with the Black Pearl all abandoned.
Will walks through the jungle, shouting, until some creepy natives burst out of trees and shit.
Now Will is tied to a pole and offered to Jack, who is wearing cleverly painted make up.
Jack jingles when he walks.
Will is being taken away.
Now Elizabeth is being harassed by nasty smelly guys in jail.
Hee hee, she's jailbait….. And her boobs look wayyyy fake.
Elizabeth's daddy bails her out and is making her go to England. She refuses, because she thinks she's helpful in someway.
Now, Beckett and Elizabeth are discussing things. Like cursed Aztec gold.
The scene is all bright and the creepy, comic relief pirates are there, with the dog with the keys.
They are having a religious debate.
Wooden Eye: We need to protect our immortal souls since we're not immortal no more! -points to Bible-
Did you know that the Bible is the most shoplifted book of all time?
Baldy: You can't read! It doesn't count!
Now key dog is barking and God makes a wave throw them out of their boat for a really bad catfish pun.
They try to steal the Black Pearl, but they fail. On the Useless scale, they are below the Midget Pirate, but above Will, because at least they don't cause a lot of unnecessary problems. Also, Will is the reason Elizabeth is a pirate now, sooo… Elizabeth is still on the bottom of said scale. No one will ever take her place.
Now a commercial is offering me a free clip on radio if I get AARP.
Jack wants big fire.
Jack: Haboogie sniggle sniggle!
He really said something like that. I am not making it up.
Jack distracts his minions with fire while he gets some spices.
Apparently, the natives don't like paprika. They try to roast Jack.
Happy music plays while the crew, in bone cages, has a swinging competition.
Every main crew member, plus Will, is in one cage, while the unimportant ones with no lines are in another. Guess which one falls off the cliff.
A native sees them trying to escape and calls all the other tribe members.
Jack doesn't understand that blowing on fire is probably not a good idea.
The important crew members are stuck in the cage. They roll the cage to try and escape the tribe.
When that fails, they "lift it like a lady's skirt" and run.
They fall into a watery crevice and the cage breaks.
Jack is having a food fight with tribal women.
He FALLS OFF A CLIFF, on his BACK, and survives.
Will: I can't leave with out Jack!
Jack appears, followed by the cannibal tribe.
Will: Shit, lets go!
Jack manages to get on the ship, and tries to give a speech to the non-English speaking tribe, but God makes a wave splash him and he stops talking.
They sail away, leaving the dog.
Gibbs: Lets bounce! To open, deep, dark waters!
Jack: Yep! Just make sure its super shallow.
Gibbs is confuzzled.
Will gets pissy and demands Jack turns himself in. Jack is like, "oh, nuh-uh, boo."
Jack shows Will his picture of the key.
Jack: If you find the paw prints on the three clues, then write them in your handy-dandy notebook, it'll save Liz.
Will: Really?
Jack: Do you know anything about Davy Jones?
Will: No.
Jack: Then, yeah, it'll save Elizabeth.
They go to see Tia Dalma, AKA the Caribbean voodoo lady *SPOILER ALERT* AKA Calypso. .
Tia Dalma would be super pretty if her teeth weren't all black and rotten-looking.
The Black Pearl Gang™ ask Tia Dalma about Jack's black spot and Davy Jones' love life.
Tia: A woman as changing as the tides broke his heart so he cut it out and put it in a chest.
There is some debate over whether he really cut it out or not. Seeing as half of these people were immortal skeletons in the last movie, and they're being chased by a guy with an OCTOPUS on his FACE, who also has minions with various sea life ON THEIR FACES, its safe to say that nothing is out of the realm of impossibility.
Jack and Gibbs lead Will to his rainy doom.
I got up to make myself a Nutella sandwich, a time consuming process, while the commercials were on and missed a few scenes. I'm sure nothing important happened.
Davy Jones has arrived and is asking people about death, sins, and their feelings.
Like I said, nothing important.
Davy: You, kid, aren't dead or horribly diseased to the point of death. Why are you here?
Will: Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt.
Sucks for Will.
Davy Jones has amazing powers of teleportation.
The guy who plays Davy Jones also plays the Minister of Magic in 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One'.
Now try and watch the whole first half of that movie, especially his speech, with out picturing him with tentacles on his face.
Jack Sparrow's soul is worth 100 others. They go to Tortuga to get the 99 others.
Its really fun to hold your hands up to your face, make a tentacle beard with your hands, wiggle your fingers, and say "Davy Jones!" in a creepy voice. Try it, I dare you.
They are in Tortuga, holding try outs for their death harvest, when a drunk Norrington shows up.
He is soul 5.
Jack tries to sneak out behind a tree branch.
When you shoot someone's drink in Tortuga, you cause a massive bar fight.
Useless has arrived, dressed like a guy, and is fighting.
She knocks out Norrington.
He is thrown into the bar's pig pen. Which is highly unsanitary, I might add. But then again, this is a pirate movie. Nothing is sanitary.
Liz: What has the world done to you?
Clearly nothing pleasant.
Will is being whipped by his father, in the rain.
Poor Will. Really. Because pain and humiliation is not cool. At all.
I am amazed, however, at the fact that he was able to not only get up and walk around after the whipping and being thrown down the stairs, but also but on another shirt. Realistically, he'd be in excruciating pain. And really, not at all truly able to hold a conversation with a barnacle guy on a wall.
My dog is trying to steal my sandwich. Crap.
Ok, now Useless is talking with Jack about compasses and Will.
Norrington is drunk. Drunk and skeptical.
What ever Useless wants most in the world will lead them to Davy Jones' Chest.
Will challenges Davy Jones to a game of Throw The Dice Or Be A Fish Longer.
Will is a good swordsman, but sucks at this game. He's hot, so I guess that makes up for his faults.
I really don't get this game, but Bootstrap looses.
The key is in the gaping hole where Davy Jones' heart used to be, underneath his tentacles.
Will manages to steal the key from a sleeping Davy Jones, moving him up on the Uselessness Scale. He is now below Gibbs, but above Midget Pirate.
Will promises his dad to stab Davy's heart with his knife.
Happy Father's Day to Bootstrap, I guess.
This movie is full of innuendos.
Useless: Will taught me how to handle a sword…
Jack: Orly?
Useless is skanky.
The Flying Dutchman is a level of badass that no other can compete with.
And now, the Kraken comes out to play.
Mayhem, destruction, and death ensues.
Apparently, if you hang onto the mast of the ship, you are less likely to die.
Will is back on the Dutchman, but is hiding out in its…jaws…
Captains can perform marriages.
Jack's compass works fine, by the way.
And Liz thinks Jack is a good man.
Also, they are both curious and they both want to know what it tastes like. Interpret that however you want.
There is a commercial on about abused pets. Please take a moment to hug your pet.
You know what's weird? In the POTC universe, this movie marks the first time in her life that Elizabeth has worn pants.
They have found Davy Jones' chest.
Since only Will has the key, I have to wonder what Jack planned to do with the chest.
Now there is a sword fight going on between Will, Jack, and Norrington.
So, now there is tangible proof of Liz's uselessness. Will tells her to guard the chest. She gets all pissy and refuses. Then, the chest gets stolen, making it easier for Davy to get it back and harder for someone to kill him.
Good job, Useless.
They take their fight to a church, where Jack falls onto a massive bell, ringing it and alerting all the bad fishie people to their whereabouts.
Norrington and Will are having an epic fight on a giant wheel. Since there obviously just not enough badassery in this scene, they pick up Jack and include him.
Liz finds the chest thieves, AKA, Creepy Squared, AKA Wooden Eye Guy and Baldy. She attempts to end her era of Useless, but discovers she is swordless. The era continues.
One of the fish minions is competing for Useless' spot as the most useless, but he provides comic relief in the form of the loss of his shell-head, so Liz still holds the title.
Norrington and Will roll by, taking out more bad guys than Liz will in this entire franchise. So, about six bad guys.
Actually, you know who is more Useless than Elizabeth Swan?
Bella Swan.
So now Norrington tricks the fish guys and our lovable group of Black Pearl misfits, all in one scene.
And now, the Dutchman is back.
The Black Pearl thinks they have won…They are wrong.
The Kraken is attacking.
The Pearl throws it off for a bit, but really only succeeds in severely pissing it off.
They run out of barrels of gun powder, so Will tells them to use the rum.
Every pirate on that ship is heartbroken.
And now the Kraken is back. Its all up inside the ship, but every crew member with a name is safe.
Gibbs has the most motivational sayings. First it was "lift it like a lady's skirt" and now it's "heave like you're being paid for it".
Elizabeth can't shoot. She is taken for a drag by the Kraken but, of course, is saved.
Now the Kraken is even angrier and there are only, like, eight people left.
They are abandoning ship. The poor Pearl.
Elizabeth kisses Jack and Will sees. He is understandably pissed. Elizabeth shackles Jack to the Pearl to save everyone and he calls her a pirate.
They sail off, leaving Jack and the Pearl. Jack escapes his shackle, only to turn around and see the Kraken. Jack is taken by the Kraken. And so is the Black Pearl.
Everyone in the safe boat watches. Also, everyone on the Dutchman is watching, too.
Davy Jones thinks Jack has his heart, and that he took it to his Locker when the Kraken ate him. He is wrong.
Norrington had the heart the whole time and delivers it to Lord Beckett in order to get his life back.
Now the Black Pearl crew are in Tia Dalma's bayou. There is ominous humming by people with candles, in the water.
Tia Dalma, being the great hostess she is, offers up some drinks and some inspiring words.
They are toasting Jack, and when Liz says her toast, will glares at her knowingly.
Now they are talking about bringing Jack back from Davy Jones' Locker.
Tia Dalma: If you are going to brave the weird and haunted shores at world's end, then you are going to need a captain who knows those waters.
And then, Barbosa appears, but more importantly, he has a green apple And undead monkey with him.
The end!
Review?