I looked over my shoulder as we entered the courtroom. I saw that look between Bren and Booth. If it had been a wave, it would have washed them both away. If it had been a fire, they would have both been ablaze. In that moment, it occurred to me that something happened and I was never told anything about it. That momentary wave I saw between them was a mix of sadness and electric attraction. I had to find out what had happened and when. Trial day would not be the day to do that. Trial day was Bren's day to revel in victory over Heather Taffett and my day to revel in the power of love.
About a week after the trial, I figured I would drop my best friend a friendly visit. Okay, I felt like being a little nosy. I had to know what on earth was bothering Bren. I had to know what exactly happened and when it happened. I figured I could possibly do something with the information to help Bren and Booth both.
I knocked on her door and waited for her to answer. About two seconds later, I heard the sound of muffled footsteps. Bren greeted me at the door looking like she had been a horse ridden a little too hard and put in the stable wet. I know we all were recovering from the trial. Even Jack was still recovering from the trial. I knew much of the ragged appearance she wore had to have come from a more private source that she told no one about. As she offered me a drink, I was thinking of how I should approach this subject. These days she was so moody, I just thought it best to tread very carefully.
"Sweetie, Is everything okay?" I asked.
"Everything is fine. I am still a little worn out from the trial." Bren answered.
"No, I mean between you and Booth. I saw how you looked at each other on our way into that courtroom. There was heat and hint sadness. "I explained carefully.
"What, where and when?" I asked insistently.
She looked at me as if weighing the pros and cons that came with telling me the whole story. Bren is really good at keeping a very hard outer shell and a very soft center. Bren I guess had always protected herself that way. The feeling of vulnerability was not a feeling that she liked. I could tell that she really did not want to talk about it but the subject had to be discussed in order for her to make sense of it all. That weighing process seemed to include swishing her drink around in her glass.
"I'm really starting to worry about you. I have never seen you in hyper rational mode like this before. You at least need to talk to me. What you say I won't repeat a word to anyone else okay!" I pleaded smiling my concerned smile.
Her response was so profound, even for Bren. Bren could hide her emotions from strangers. I, on the other hand, could read her like one of the novels I help to write. Her facial expressions read like words to her chapters. I could read on her face the storm of emotion. I could see the regret and the pain she had been carrying around for I did not how long. I watched her as she took a gulp of her drink. I was praying that she would open up, at least to me. She was good at building her walls and even better at keeping people out.
"Okay, Ange, you win. A couple of weeks ago Booth told me he loved me in not so many words and we kissed. I wanted to reciprocate the action. I wanted to emotionally, but I started thinking in rational terms." Bren answered me visibly shaken.
This revelation should have shocked me. It didn't. She was in love with Booth and had been for a long time. Even though it was no secret to me, I never thought I would see the day that he would say something. Being in love with Booth would explain why she hit Booth so hard at his own "funeral" or hit Taffett with that briefcase hard enough to knock her out cold. Bren was good at using logic and rational thought to solve problems. She seemed to neglect her heart more than listen to it. Her "great" mind called all the shots. Somewhere along the way, her heart got some authority for a microsecond.
"So what did you tell him and what did you do?" I asked urging her to elaborate.
"He told me he wanted to give us a shot. I told him that the FBI would not let us work together. That was when Booth kissed me. At first when he kissed me, I could not resist because it felt so good and secure. Then rational thought broke the emotional moment. I told him "no" I told him I did not have his open heart. I told him I could not change because I did not know how." Bren answered staring at the floor.
It broke my heart to see my best friend so torn between her perfect little world and the world that had been revealed to her. Ms. Rational was so much more like a woman in at moment instead of an unfeeling, scientific robot. It may not seem to say, but Bren has always been so robotic. In the back of my mind, I wondered what she would do when presented with a display of love. I got my answer as I sat on the living room couch. She ran the opposite direction as fast as she could. She lied to herself and then lied to the man she loved. I understood then where those looks came from. Booth laid it all out and she squashed it to save herself hurt and tried to spare him hurt.
"Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel guilty about doing the rational thing?" She asked me.
"Sweetie, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You lied to yourself and him to protect yourself. You don't know how to handle your emotions yet. You have a heart that is bigger than you think. If you didn't have it, we would not be talking now. I personally recommend that you listen to your heart more often and your logic less. I think Harmonia called it a long time ago. You are afraid to be loved and afraid to love. While Booth pulled you closer to him, you pulled way as far as you could. Booth wants to be with you so much it damn near kills him. You want the same, but I see how much it scares you. Sweetie, there is no logic to love." I answered pointing out how the way of love.
"Has it occurred to you that you love him so much it kills you on the inside at times?" I asked.
She did not answer right away. I saw the mounting defense begin to build. It was about a second later I saw it crumble. For the first time, she had no defense to hide behind. Bren knew that I was aware of it all. Her silence answered my question in a way that words could never or would ever satisfy.
"Sweetie, the attraction you two share is hardly a secret. I see it every day in the lab. You said yourself that you found him symmetrically pleasing. Booth has done a lot to show you just how strongly he feels about you. You two are electrically connected here. I see the sparks fly between you two whenever you don't think anyone else notices." I said pointing out what everyone else on the squint squad saw.
"Bren, has anything else happened after that night or before that night?" I asked.
She sat across from me just bouncing the question around. Something told me that I was about to get more information than I bargained for. I could see whatever she had hidden from the rest of us boiling slowly to the top.
"Sweetie, is there any history of any out of the ordinary touching?" I inquired.
"You mean sex?" Bren answered bluntly.
"Yes and no." I answered in happy to hear her usual frankness.
"After he fired us on that first case, I suggested that we could have sex since we wouldn't have to work together. When we got outside, he admitted something private to me. He admitted that he had a gambling problem. Not long after that we were kissing. If not for the alcohol, I would have been in bed with him that night. I got in the cab and headed home alone since I knew we had tequila
". A few Christmases back, I had to kiss him under the mistletoe as part of a deal I made with Ms. Julian. We blew poor Caroline's mind and I think I blew my own. It was a great kiss and there was tongue. I slow danced with Booth at the class reunion. I felt so safe and secure there when he was holding me. It was an odd feeling to not feel like running. After that dance, I was left even more confused. Now I don't know what to feel or think." She answered sounding so much more like a woman.
Bren shot me a look through those hazel eyes that begged me for some kind of advice on how to handle this mess she found herself in. I had to think for a few seconds. I was wondering how I was supposed to advise her woman-to-woman. I had to construct my words the best way I could for someone who was fragile for the moment.
"Sweetie, you have two options from where I sit. One is you talk to him and be completely honest with him. Don't hold back. Both of you would feel better in the end. He may be dating Catherine, but his eyes are always seeing you." I said emphasizing it as the best way.
"I don't know what that means. His eyes can only see what is in front of him." She answered obliviously.
"What I mean is that no matter who he chooses to date, he still sees you in every woman. He may not tell you that but that is exactly how he feels." I answered clearing up her confusion.
"Or you could take some time to understand your heart. Once you understand your heart your head will also understand the situation mentally. I mean really understand your emotions Once you come back, your head and heart will have an answer that you can live with." I said trying to keep her from this option.
She looked at me thoughtfully through each option. The very mention of other women seemed to change her expression sour. We all knew she was jealous of Catherine or any other woman who entered his life romantically. I still did not see just how much. The depth of her jealousy seemed depthless.
"Ange, what should I do? Do I talk to him and let everything out? Do I just disappear for a self-impose sabbatical?" Bren asked me visibly torn between the options.
I answered her the only way I knew how considering the position I was in.
"Bren sweetie, you are the only one who knows that answer. Let me know what you want to do. If you ever need me, you know where to find me. " I answered as I prepared to leave.
I got up to leave. I gave her my hugs and a good night. I was praying that she would do some talking instead of some running like she always had. As I walked down the hall, I thought of her and how I once felt that way too. Jack and I used to be on the same footing. Somehow our love story worked out. I could only wonder if Bren's and Booth's would too.