A/N:Hey everyone, coming out of retirement to post this, man it's been two long years since hasn't it? Looking over an old fic, inspired me to write this. Damn I'm rusty, but hope you enjoy nonetheless. I guess, you can read this in conjunction to the old fic Torn, which kind of inspired this.
It's funny what the mind can do in five years, if given the time to heal. Five whole years, Kamui realized, to have come to this point of his life. For once, he was able to achieve what he wasn't able to attain during this teenage and childhood years, stability.
It was what others would consider mundane and ordinary that had given him his stepping stone, his path to assemble back the pieces of his shattered life , the people he had lost. The first year was a living horror, the images would haunt him, the screams of the people, calling for their savior; a sixteen year old boy who was trapped beneath concrete and a sword, he had been helpless to stop what was his destiny.
Kamui rubbed his eyes, looking away from the computer screen, his eyes dry from the glare of the screen. He tried not to think of it, his mind was fickle and would easily fall into the hole he had spend five years of his life to dig himself out of.
He couldn't believe that after all that had happened, his life would be this easy. Easy in his term that his only worry was not trying to forget his statistics assignment and to remember to leave clean water for his cat. His existence to any other person would be worth nothing but a yawn, but had those people known his demons, those people would be praying gratitude to their deities that they weren't in Kamui's shoes five years ago.
Kamui smirked, his eyes fixated on the gray bunting curling around the warmth of his computer, he reached over to pet the sort fur. "You lazy thing," he mused, tickling the cat's neck, purrs humming loudly, "What a life you have buddy, eat, sleep, while i'm stuck here on a Saturday night doing a paper on Eastern civilization, tell me how is that fair?"
Mitts opened one golden eye. Kamui knew if the cat could roll his eyes at him, he would. To be honest, he didn't mind staying home on his evenings free, between school and working at the university library, he stayed most of his nights in with Mitts. Kamui wondered if it was pathetic that his cat had more of a life than he did, usually crawling into the window during early mornings after being out all night.
Fortunately, Kamui wouldn't have it any other way, boring and mundane seem to be the lesser of two evils, beats having to save the world and slaughter millions.
There were few people he would actually spend time with, he wasn't the most social person on campus, mostly for his lack of effort and having to get involved with anyone. Yuzuriah would call once in a while to make sure he wasn't dead incase Mitts had smothered him in his sleep, and Keichii, for ever the over achiever would spend most of his hours in the library where he worked. Medical school was the next step in Keichii's life, Kamui wasn't surprised by that, the boy had the natural calling of a physician, forever devoted to helping others.
Kamui tried not to bother the other boy when he saw him immersed in his Chemistry book, he might as well be in another world. Kamui found company in books. Endless pages and words kept his mind busy, kept it from wandering to other distasteful things. It was what had kept Kamui on a frail sense of sanity those first years, he had forced himself to read, anything, to keep him from falling deeper into the sadness.
Five years had been good to him, but he was still a work in process. There were afternoons when he would sit in his lectures on Russian prose, and his mind would wander away, to the lives that had slipped from his fingers.
He wondered about Sorata and Arashi, had the other boy lived, what kind of life would they have had. Kamui knew they would be the picture perfect family, married with children and some sort of pet. Yeah, he knew Sorata wouldn't let him stew in his thoughts on Saturday nights with Mitts. 'Night out on the town! Tokyo better brace itself!'
Kamui would try to stop himself from thinking of Fuuma. He knew where those thoughts would lead him, five years could mend anything except a broken heart. At nights he would yearn for the other boy, to hear his voice, his laugh, feel the embraces they had once shared in their youth.
It had hurt to let him go, hurt so much it still burned in the pit of his stomach after all these years. He knew the choice of his decision would haunt him forever.
It was either to keep his Fuuma and die along with the world, or let him go, and let Fuuma live, even if it wasn't at his side.
It had taken a sword to his shoulder to make him see his selfishness. His own needs had blinded his eyes to what Fuuma had wanted all along, what had been in his hands all his time. To let him go, stop loving the illusion he thought was Fuuma, so the real him could live.
I let him go, Kamui's mind would whispered, and I saved the world, and all to be alone in the end.
He had set Fuuma free, and he had yet to know of him after the final battle. His dreams would let him find solace, they let him indulge in his fantasies that could never be. To have Fuuma near him, embracing him, touching him, never letting him go.
Kamui sighed, curse under his breath, he hated when this happened, reminiscing on the things that could never be. He refocused his mind back to what mattered, the paragraph and half glaring at him from his computer.
He never thought it would become this...easy. How five long years could dull his being and make it nothing but a brief memory. How the idea of ever having had feelings and emotions now seem like distant things. He knew those things had existed in his being once, a long time ago.
Subaru rested against the trunk of the tree, gray smoke misted over his head. The blood of his latest victim had dried and tainted his skin.
Same old same old, stalking his prey, doing the job and feeding the tree. It had been the same endless cycle for five years now.
He rested his head against the rough trunk behind him, the sakura pleased with its latest meal, a fat banker that had tried to cheat the government of billions. The kill couldn't had been simpler, the banker had crumble in front of a pretty face, and there was nothing haunting than a pale young man, big eyes, gun in hand.
It had been easy.
But now the hunt was over, and Subaru was left alone to stew in his own thoughts, those were never good devices. He was restless, wanting his mind to focus on his work, and not the mess that has been his life since he's been sixteen.
He would spend most of his nights under the tree, the swaying branches kept him company. Subaru hated being alone in his apartment. The shadows would torment him, his past lurking from every corner. His guilt, always a gnawing presence.
He wondered how he could still be alive sometimes. How can his will still be making him go on after all these years. He would roll off his couch during dawn (he rarely slept in his bed, exhaustion preventing him from walking that far), and look at his ashen face in the mirror. His eyes had become dull and old.
He was still young for thirty, younger than Seishirou-san when he died, but yet he looked ancient, like he had lived thousands of lives in three decades. He knew he had suffered heart ache that could go on for a thousand years.
He sighed, Seishirou-san, this is how you left me, to live in the shadows of your existence? His hand drifted to his hazel eye, delicately stroking his side, if he wanted to, he could feel the pulsations, how the other's eye reacted to the touch.
It was one of the reasons why he got up every morning, why he kept on moving against his sea of guilt and lost will, to feel the other man's eye bound to him, living through him.
Time had dulled the burning ache of loss, Subaru had learned to live with the loneliness of his life, even if it was struggle to keep on living each and every hour.
"Keichii, seriously, i don't need you to walk me home like you're my nanny!" Kamui huffed, trying to outpace the other boy, but Keichii's long legs were no match for his small steps.
"What makes you think i'm walking you home? huh? Maybe i'm meeting someone for a date down town, and you just happen to be walking the same route i am" Keichii beamed triumphantly while Kamui rolled his eyes.
"Yes I am sure your biology book must be so so lonely, waiting for you to have your hands all over it, stroking and flicking it's pages all night long," Kamui smirked mischievously.
"Way to make studying dirty Kamui," the other laughed. Kamui tried to look offended, but his smile betrayed him. He liked that how for a few minutes his friend could make him laugh and forget his worries, if for ten minutes.
Kamui stopped mid path. His tiny apartment was downtown, he'd usually take a short cut through Ueno park. Keichii lived on campus, so he hated having to bother his friend to walk him home, though it would be the other boy who would volunteer to be his buddy on his walk home. He hated having to be a burden.
"Look, i'm almost home, i can take it from here," Kamui rested his hands on the other's shoulder, pivoting him in the direction they came from. "You go home and make sweet, gentle study to your text books, i'm sure they're lonely."
"Ha ha ha," Keichii huffed, amused, "Fine i'm going! but don't think it will be like this all the time, next time, i'm walking you to your apartment door!" the booming laughter made Kamui cringe, he wouldn't be shocked if that happened.
Amused, Kamui watched his friend fade into the distance, blond head bouncing along on his step.
Kamui turned and continued his path down the park. It was cold, his breath tiny clouds in the darkness.
The scent of sakura unmistakable. Even in the dead of winter, he knew that scent, and where it was coming from.
It had been five years since he had seen the Sumeragi, Kamui remembered how he would pathetically come to this park, to the sakura to see if he could see the other man. Cold nights and muggy days he would wait with nothing to appear. He sometimes wondered if Subaru had finally died after all this time. If another Sakurazukamori had taken his place, the tree always looked well fed.
But also another part of Kamui had resigned to the notion that maybe Subaru didn't want to be seen. Kamui knew that he would remind him of another failure to add on his burden of life.
So Kamui had given up, trying to find a man that didn't want to be found, didn't want to be bothered with his existence. He was learning to move on, even if it hurt him while doing so.
A booming laugh had distracted him from his train of thought. Subaru huffed, wondering what drunken love birds had wandered to this part of the park at this hour.
Couples would often walk arm in arm in the park, stop by the sakura tree to admire and kiss beneath its beauty.
Subaru would often look at those people, painfully apathetic, and a little envious at time, he felt cheated.
Lighting another cigarette, Subaru, under the shadows peered to where the voices were coming from.
He could make out two men, a tall blond and average height brunette. Subaru smoked and watched the exchange, the smaller man putting his hands on the other's shoulder, smiling gaily.
Subaru felt like he was intruding, looking into something he wasn't a part on, the joys of life those two must share. He watched the blond walk away not before laughing loudly again and waving at the other that stayed behind, who laughed and smiled.
The one that remained continued to walk down the path. Subaru was about to return to his smoking and thoughts when the face of the young man caught eyes, recognition flaring in his gut. It was Kamui.
Subaru let out a stuggled sigh. It had been almost five years since he's seen Kamui face to face. A small part of him that cared, the tiny part of him that wouldn't let go, still reminded him of Kamui.
He recalled the times the other would wait hours by this tree, just to see him, but like a coward, he would hide in the shadows, unable to face the youth he had let down, the one person that depended on him for support.
Kamui stopped coming by the tree and moved on with his life. During Subaru's free time when he needed to be distracting, he would drop in on Kamui, and watch from a distance.
He would always be either in the courtyard of the university, studying hefty history books, or in the library stocking the shelves with returned books.
Subaru could see how five years has mended Kamui. He seemed healthier, he smiled more, he seem so...normal.
Subaru watched as Kamui stopped in front of the tree, eyes risen to the pink branches. Subaru was hidden well enough in the shadow that he could observe Kamui without being seen.
Five years had done Kamui well, he had grown at least a few inches, his body filling out what had been a childish frailty. Eyes still large and haunting, adorning a beautiful pale face.
He saw Kamui sniff, closing his eyes, inhaling the scent of the night-
and his cigarette smoke.
Kamui had paused in front of the sakura, looking at it's immense beauty. He tipped his head back to smell the intoxicating scent. It was wonderful.
Until he smelled something bitter and acidic.
Cigarette smoke.
Kamui's eyes flew opened. He felt a chill bitter than the cold weather bite at him.
Subaru was here, he could feel it.
He was troubled on what to do. Finally his chance had come, to see the other man face to face after all these year. Yet, he didn't know if he could.
Mindlessly his feet moved towards the source of smoke, a small part of Kamui wishing it was just a discarded cigarette butt, not the other man.
Kamui had kept his eyes downcast, but he was still able to catch wisps of a black trench coat. He felt his breath catch, the nearness of the other man, after all these years.
He looked up to see the apathetic look of the other man, lazily smoking a cigarette with bloodied hands. The crunch of the frozen grass grabbed the other man's attention.
Kamui felt stranded on the confusion of his emotions, part of him wanted to hurt Subaru, for leaving him for so long, let out his anger on him, but the other part of him want the other man to take him in his arms.
"Subaru..." Kamui breathed, unable to say anything else.
Subaru blinked tired eyes, a sad little smile on his face, "Hello Kamui."
"I I thought you were dead," Kamui said, stepping closer to the man, unable to stop himself, "I thought you were gone for good,"
"You're not the only one," Subaru replied, trying not to flinch at the cold hands that cupped his face. Kamui had grown, but no enough so to look him straight in the eye. He still looked beautiful, even if pained expression adorned his face.
Gently, Subaru shifted from Kamui's grasp, inhaling a puff. Kamui looked at him flabbergasted. "That's it? There's nothing you're going to say? not even a lousy apologize for dropping off the face of the planet for five years?"
"I've been here all along Kamui," Subaru replied honestly. Those simple words made Kamui flare up like a ruffled bird, it was slightly amusing.
"No shit, you've been here, all this time I thought you were dead!" Kamui felt years of frustration spill out. How could the other man be so nonchalant, while he worried over him, years ago?
But it came to Kamui that Subaru didn't want to be cared about, he wanted to be forgotten, drunken in by the darkness, like the bodies he harvest for this master, the Sakura.
Kamui sighed, looking at Sabaru. Five years had been brutal on the other man, fatigue and chain smoking had done its work, he seem ashen and pale, the once youthful spark of his eyes gone, replaced by a jaded detachment.
Kamui reached for the cigarette that lingered on the other's hand. That little move managed to spark a slight interest in the other man's dull eyes.
Cigarette in hand, Kamui leaned against the trunk, mimicking Subaru's stance, and drew a puff from the cigarette, successfully exhaling it in the air. He looked at the corner of his eye to a stunned Subaru.
"Don't!" he heard the other man, reaching for his hand, to discard the cigarette.
Kamui smiled at him, "Why not? you do it."
"It's a filthy habit, i don't want you to dabble in such a thing," Kamui had extended his arm outward, away from the other's reach.
"Kinda hypocritical don't you think, that" he took another puff, exhaling to the side, "That you should be worried about my well being just now, or is it your addiction talking? Are you mad i took away your cigarette? that must be it, because i can't believe that someone who's dropped off the face of the planet, especially when i needed him most in my life, would be conserved over me."
Kamui flashed Subaru a beautiful icy smile before snuffing the cigarette against the the trunk.
Subaru looked away, unable to hide the guilt of Kamui's words. He was a hypocrite.
"Tell me Subaru, how has it been? Being alone all these years?" Kamui asked, no pointing sarcasm in his voice.
"How else would it be." Subaru replied, Kamui knew him well enough to avoid dabbling in useless explanations.
"Bad huh? Still stuck in the past? wishing to change what was inevitable, and hating each day that you couldn't? Yeah, that was me four years ago, Subaru, though i don't know why i'm telling you this, you don't care."
You don't care.
The words hurt, to hear them out load in years hurt him, Subaru sighed, knowing that a vain I'm sorry would be pointless, but uttered the words anyway.
"Don't be sorry Subaru, i don't need it. I've been fighting, five years fighting with no one at my side to move on, to be normal and be vaguely happy, i think i owe myself that much, after all the shit that's happened."
Kamui reached again for Subaru, stroking his think face, the man looked so tired, so beaten. "I missed you Subaru, those years, when i thought you were dead, i missed you. When i though you didn't want me anymore, i ached. Why did you do it, Subaru? I could had given you anything you wanted, why?" Kamui knew the anwser to his question, he wasn't able to give the other man everything, his body wasn't enough for a man who yearned for someone else.
Subaru wanted to cry, but the years had taken away that ability. He reached to pet Kamui's face, his hair. "I've missed you," he whispered, lowering his forehead to Kamui's.
"So have I. You know i wouldn't have cared Subaru, why didn't you just stay?" Kamui responded, his hands grasping at the other's collar.
"I couldn't, I didn't deserve you, and you didn't deserve to be with someone who would consider you their second best." Subaru whispered, his lips hovering over Kamui's lips.
Subaru had said what Kamui knew all along, he would always be Subaru's second best.
Kamui looked at the pleading eyes above him, the green eye glimmering like it did back then. He embraced the other man, lips whispering by the other's ear, "What makes you think i care? Don't you think i've always known all that, and i've made my peace that i'll never mean as much to you as he does."
Subaru wrapped his arms around him, nearly crushing him to his frame, "That's not true. You've always been on my mind, always. I've cared for you like I haven't for anyone else, since Hokuto and Seishirou-san left me, please don't say that you never mattered to me because," Subaru looked Kamui in the eyes, "you have, i just, didn't want to hurt you."
Kamui chuckled bitterly, "Yeah, that worked out well didn't it?"
Subaru tried to look away from the other's eyes, trying to escape the foreign warmth of embrace.
Kamui's hands smoothed on his back, it felt good, he realized, it felt good to be touched. "Please..."
"I know," Kamui hushed, "It's okay," His hands cupped the other's face. He smiled faintly, reaching up to lay a small kiss on the other's cold lips.
"Kamui," Subaru breathed against the soft lips, so much warmth. Kamui's lips urged him, cajoling him to respond.
It's been years since they have kissed, it felt odd, but somehow familiar. Kamui let himself rest on the tree trunk, feeling Subaru's frail weight on him.
Kamui could feel Subaru's trembling hands on his hips, he didn't know if it was for the cold or the nearness of him.
Kamui felt the other's cold lips trail down his jaw, gently nibbling along his neck. He gasped, felt his body burning again in that familiar wanting ache.
"Subaru," he whispered, hating to stop the ministrations on his neck, the hands softly caressing at his hips. "Please, at least not here, we'll freeze." he smiled. Subaru's somber face looked back at him. He couldn't deny that his body was burning like his, the other man was still human, even if it has been years since he's felt human.
Kamui felt brazen, locking his hands on the other's hips, he could feel that this sudden human contact was scaring Subaru, he could feel the other man's urge to run away. "Please don't leave me, you did it once, i don't think i can handle it a second time." violet eyes pleaded with tired green and hazel.
"I'm sorry Kamui," Subaru whispered, kissing the other roughly, torsos pressed, hips grinding.
He left Kamui breathless, he wanted more, to be touched, to be held, he ached to be held again. "Come with me, it's not far, please don't leave me tonight."
Subaru stared at him dumbfounded, "I am, so sorry." Kamui could see all the will power it took the other man to lift off him, "I can't, not anymore."
Kamui was stricken, "Subaru, I don't care, please, just don't leave me alone tonight, I don't care about tomorrow, just come with me tonight."
Subaru tried not to look at him, while he fished for another cigarette, to tame his body, to subdue the urge to grab Kamui and strip him bare in the winter air, to feel his body on his, share the warmth of the other, inside him, deeply in him.
"But i care Kamui, and I know I'll leave you in the morning, and I don't want to hurt you again. If you need to have a quick roll in the sheets, look for someone else, someone meaningless to you." Subaru inhaled the smoke, this small part of his heart that cared, dying slowly.
Kamui looked furious, anger to hide the pain and rejection, "You think that all you are to me is just a quick fuck? is that it?" he stepped closer to the other man, fury made his eyes a deep blue, so beautiful, "I could have anyone else for that, but i don't want you for just a fuck, can't you get that?"
Subaru shrugged, knowing he needed to end this now, needed to get Kamui away from the black hole of misery that was his life, "You want a life with me, something that can't happen. Please Kamui, move on, you've been able to do so for five years, you can do it until you die." Subaru knew his presence around the other man would be like a cancer, doing nothing but damage, no joy.
Kamui looked at him, pained. He tried to smother a sob behind his hands. He closed his eyes, hoping to wake up, that somehow this raw pain was unreal.
He opened his eyes to see nothing but darkness. Subaru had melted into the shadows.
Kamui stood alone, under he sakura tree, never hating it as much as he did at that moment.