Greetings all...yes I have a new fic here, but I'm sure it's not going to be what you're expecting! This piece will be a satirical take (or a spoof or parody if you will) on Grey's Anatomy as we know it. I've become rather frustrated over the story lines, and the excessive characters piling up and I'm sure there are many of you out there who feel the same way. So I had some silly ideas about it, and decided to write it out to give me somewhere to vent my thoughts. Please do not take any of this seriously! I don't mean to offend anyone or their interest in particular characters or relationships. It's just for fun! I'll understand if you don't want to review, or if it's not your cup of tea, but if you like it please be sure to let me know. This won't be a long fic, chapters will depend on my mood, and what else I can think of to vent on.
It's set as a Halloween piece, and there may be a character or two appear from other shows that you may recognize. Rated M for language or situations, so read at your own risk.
And sadly, don't own any of these folks - they belong mainly to Shonda & Co, god help us!
It was the eve of Halloween, and the gang at Casa Grey had been spooked by someone skulking around outside, peering into the windows. Meredith had called 9-1-1, and now Officer Horatio Caine stood at the doorway, trying to get some information on the incident. He chafed inside the uniform, still not accustomed to wearing it after his demotion from CSI Miami. Just because he had commandeered a shipload of black sunglasses, they had kicked him back to patrol officer, and across the country to Seattle. He looked at the couple in front of him, taking their names down on his notepad.
"Dr. Derek Shepherd..." The man with the impossible perfectly moussed black hair and piercing blue eyes spoke up first. "And Dr. Meredith Grey." Indicating the pale blond woman next to him. She was wearing her favorite ratty Dartmouth sweatshirt and flannel pants, looking like she was still in college, rather than a nearly full fledged surgeon.
"He's my husband..." Meredith cooed, batting her eyelashes at Derek.
"She's my wife..." Derek cooed back. "We have the Post-it Note of wedded bliss over our bed to prove it."
"Wait a minute...so you're not legally married?"
"Oh yes we are...we're even trying to have a baby!" Meredith protested.
"Except you have a hostile uterus," Derek muttered.
"I don't think it's my problem...it's probably your stupid boy penis..." Meredith whined, looking at Cristina for help.
"You tell him, Mer. Stupid boys and their stupid penises..." Cristina offered from her perch on the sofa, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. She smacked Owen on the back of the head for emphasis.
"Ow!" Owen closed his eyes, feelings of battle terror starting to take over, brought on by the smack to his skull. "Oohh...I think I'm gonna pass out..."
"Oh shut it, Hunt..." Teddy sighed from where she sat on the other side of him, giving him a sharp poke in the ribs with her elbow. "That PTSD stuff isn't working anymore...you picked her, not me...damnit...I'm not gonna go along with your plans anymore..."
"But you'll always be my GI Jane..." Owen said soothingly, laying his head on Teddy's shoulder.
"Somebody sedate me!" Cristina yelled, throwing the popcorn up in the air, letting it fall around them like snowflakes. "Where's the tequila?"
Officer Caine frowned, and slowly removed his sunglasses, peering at the crowd in the living room. "Excuse me, ma'am..." he drawled, "but do all of these people live here?"
"Why yes, why do you ask?" Meredith looked over her shoulder. Besides Cristina, Owen and Teddy on the sofa, Alex was pacing back and forth (having nothing else to do), Jackson was busy posing in front of the mirror with his shirt off, and Lexie and April were arguing over the design of the chore wheel. Mark was talking on his cell phone, setting up a date with three of the pharmaceutical sales agents that liked to make out in the supply closet. The only ones missing were Callie and Arizona, who were out picking up paint for their bedroom. Meredith frowned - they had been discussing that issue for days now, and she hoped they came back with something suitable. She was tired of finding paint chips all over the house.
"Doesn't it seem a little..." he paused for effect, "crowded?"
"Welcome to my world, Officer," Derek sighed, running his hands through his perfectly coiffed hair. "You should be here when they all try to jump in bed with us because they can't sleep alone..."
"Say, don't I know you from somewhere?" Officer Caine asked suspiciously, peering at Derek.
"Well, I am the world's best renowned neurosurgeon, after all," Derek prompted. "I save lives every day, it's kind of my specialty." He smirked and leaned against the wall, knowing it was his best look. "Or maybe you saw my face on the billboard we just put up…"
"No...not that..." Officer Caine removed his sunglasses slowly one more time. "No...you're that crazy guy who likes to speed in your Porsche Cayenne. I think we have an outstanding warrant for your arrest." He checked his notepad to be sure.
Derek backed up slowly. "No, seriously, I did my time...and just because I like to drive with my foot to the floor and fishtail around the corners...jeez, can't a guy have a little fun after being shot?"
"Shot?" Officer Caine drew his own pistol. "No one said anything about shots fired..."
Meredith rolled her eyes, nearly causing a headache from the intensity. "Not now. That was last month...see how his scar is already healed and everything?" She ripped open Derek's blue shirt to show the scar off. "I think it's sexy, don't you?" She touched his chest lovingly.
"I wouldn't know about that, ma'am."
"They call him Dr. McDreamy," Meredith said proudly.
"I'm happy for him, but someone here called 9-1-1. Can you tell me what happened?"
"Oh, there was someone skulking around outside the windows," Meredith replied. "We thought maybe it was Denny, wanting back inside, but then he doesn't need to skulk..."
"He could just appear without having to make a big deal about it," Derek added thoughtfully.
"Appear?"
"He's dead."
"He likes to make an appearance every now and then...it's so annoying," Alex spoke up. "My ex-wife had an affair with him."
"Before he died?"
"Dude...no way...when she had a brain tumor...she thought she was fucking him!"
"Riighht..."
"But I fixed her," Derek pointed out. "That's what I do."
"Yeah, you told me. Now...about this skulker..."
"He was tall..."
"I thought he was short..." Meredith interjected.
"No, he was average..." someone else added. "Kind of skinny..."
"Wearing a black cape..." Lexie called out. "And he was wearing a mask, with stringy gray hair sticking out...!"
"How do you know that?"
"Well, I do have a photographic memory. I caught a glimpse of him before he ran away."
"You think you're so smart, Lexipedia," April frowned.
"At least I'm not a virgin like you!" Lexie taunted in return.
"That's not for discussion. Didn't we already discuss that?" April pouted, stomping her feet. "I don't wanna talk about it!" She jerked the chore wheel away from Lexie and ran towards the kitchen, her little feet moving as fast as they could. "You're mean..."
Lexie laughed and chased her, trying to grab the chart away. "Gimme that..." They ended up on the floor pulling hair and pinching each other.
Derek looked at Meredith. "The children are fighting again. It's your turn to talk to them."
"Fine." Meredith went to break up the fight. "Quiet you two or no supper tonight!"
Officer Caine rubbed his temple. "Look, if that's all you can tell me for now..."
"Yes, that's all we have."
"Okay, I'll put out a warrant for a tall black caped person then."
"Great."
Mark came up behind Derek then, looking at the cop. He whipped out one of his business cards and handed it over. "If you ever want something done about that complexion of yours, give me a call. I can help you with that."
"You're a dermatologist?"
"No, I'm the plastics god of SGH, don't you know that?" Mark scolded him. "When I'm not fucking all the nurses or the other female doctors, or Derek's sisters..."
"Wait, you fucked my sisters?" Derek asked, his eyebrows going up.
"Well, yeah...it's rite of passage for the Shepherd girls, isn't it?"
"That's really TMI..."
"Well, I AM the manwhore around here. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it." Mark winked at Derek.
"Just because we made up after you fucked my wife doesn't mean I forgive you for everything."
"He fucked your wife?" Officer Caine glanced over at where Meredith was now mediating peace between Lexie and April.
"Not this wife...my ex-wife who lives in Los Angeles now."
"This is getting confusing. Are there any other relationships I should be aware of here?"
"Well, I also slept with Lexie, who is Meredith's sister," Mark mused.
"After I told you to keep little Sloan out of little Grey," Derek reminded him.
"It's not LITTLE!" Mark bellowed, offended at the idea his man bits were small.
"I slept with Lexie too..." Alex offered.
"I'm married to Owen. It seemed like the right thing to do when I couldn't even do surgery," Cristina said. "I just live for my man now...it's so simple..."
"And I wanted to sleep with Owen," Teddy added. "But I did have sex with Mark, and then there was that psychiatrist who just left town screaming..." She bit her fingernails, thinking of the greatest love of her life she had only known for a month.
"Oh, and there was Callie too...but now she's a lesbian," Mark said. "She's not here right now."
"I want to have sex with Teddy, but she told me it was inappropriate," Jackson whined. "I even took my shirt off like this..." He flexed his impressive abs for everyone.
"You know your HR department would have a field day with all of this," Officer Caine sighed, putting his hands on his hips.
"We don't have one – after Derek started having sex with Meredith when he was her boss's boss, they gave up," Cristina commented. "Now they just stay in their offices and quiver in fear."
"Alrighty then, I'm going to go. If you see anything else suspicious you give me a call." He gave Derek one of his business cards, embossed with sunglasses.
"You have your own cards?"
"From before I was demoted. They didn't like me in Miami anymore, sent me here. I don't want to talk about it." He stalked away before anyone could ask any question, nearly tripping over his own feet in the darkness, but he didn't like to go without his sunglasses.
Derek closed the door. "Strange man."
The door burst open again, and Callie and Arizona rushed in, each holding a can of paint. "We got paint! Mine's purple..."
"Mine's beige..." Arizona said, smiling sweetly at everyone. "We can paint it all like rainbows and butterflies!"
"You can't paint your room two colors!" Meredith shouted.
"Can too. You said we can do whatever we want," Callie reminded her, brushing back her long black hair. "That's why we moved into this frat house. Besides...you owe me one for the panties..."
"Fine!" Meredith hated to be reminded that Callie saved her butt when Addison posted the black panties on the bulletin board and she exchanged a guilty look with Derek. Even though that had been three years, or was it four...or maybe two...she always got mixed up in the timeline of their life...anyway, Callie liked to remind her of that. "Go to your room then! Everyone go to their room!"
"But we live in a tent in the backyard," Cristina pointed out.
"Just until we get the addition finished," Meredith soothed her. "You know you will always have a place in my house."
They all shuffled off to their respective rooms, while Cristina took the flashlight and pulled Owen out to the back yard. Lexie and Teddy went up to the attic, and April to Izzie's old room. Callie and Arizona were living in the room under the stairs in the basement (that used to be a cold storage room so they needed space heaters on for warmth), while Jackson and Mark had bunk beds in Alex's room, and the three of them fought constantly all night about who could make the most obnoxious sounds with their armpits.
Derek put his arm around Meredith, who watched them all leave with a proud smile on her lips. "You do realize this isn't normal..." he muttered in her ear. "How am I supposed to get you pregnant if we can't have wild sex wherever we want to anymore? This is driving me crazy!"
"Oh it's just temporary...you know I need to mother everyone now."
"You do?"
"Yes, silly. Now that I'm all whole and healed, it's my duty to take care of everyone else."
"You scare me sometimes, Mer," Derek sighed, taking her hand to lead her up to bed.
The house settled down for the night, and the lights went off one by one in the bedrooms and the tent.
"Good night Derek."
"Good night Meredith."
"Good night Mark."
"Good night Alex."
"Good night Jackson."
"Good night Teddy."
"Good night Lexie."
"Good night Owen."
"Good night Cristina."
"Good night April."
No one noticed that April had not spoke up during this litany of good nights...no one realized that she was lying in her bed, focused on the swirling fog that insinuated itself under the window sill. Her eyes went wide as she realized it was taking the shape of a man, a very rumpled looking, unshaven man, wearing jeans and a grey sweatshirt.
"You're not Izzie..." he said, looking puzzled. "But you're in her room..."
"I'm...April..." she said in a very small voice, peeking over the covers. Her little virginal heart beat rapidly in her chest, as she wondered what this apparition was.
"Well, April...did anyone tell you about me?" he asked, sitting on the edge of her bed. The air was cold around him, and she shivered again.
"No...who are you?"
He looked offended. "I'm Denny...they killed me off but I keep coming back. I loved Izzie."
April nodded slowly. She'd heard about Izzie Stevens, the ex-wife of Alex who left him all broken and bitter. "Go away...you're not real..."
"Sure I am. I can even help you with that pesky virginity of yours..."
"What?"
"Ghost sex, baby...don't knock it till you've tried it!"
April fainted.
*And for those of you that have read my stories in the past, I AM working on a more romantic MerDer story, just haven't got very much yet...I'm hoping this may kickstart me to do more on that once I get rid of my frustrations!