Disclaimer: "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and all its characters are property of Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox and Mutant Enemy and the UPN Network.  "The Monkey Zoo" written by Ginger, published by Copyright Control.

Summary: Things have been going just a little too well lately so there must be something wrong.

Spoilers: Up to and including "The Gift".

Distribution: If you want it, here it is, come and get it.  But you better hurry 'cause it's going fast.  Oh yeah, and let me know.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Author's Note: Here's to Robert Rankin for writing some of the weirdest and funniest books I've ever read.  The title of the story is taken from a Silver Ginger 5 song.

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PART I

I EAT BREAKFAST LIKE YOU FOR… WELL, BREAKFAST

***

Sex

It sort of fills the gap

That opens right back up

It's never quite enough

Let's try mix in some love

That sort of makes it work

It's sort of making sense

But you're not making sense

I guess we got it wrong

Somehow

Hello

That déjà vu is back

Again

In this is where I say, "I love you"

            -- "The Monkey Zoo", Silver Ginger 5

***

Xander opened his eyes as the opening bars of his favorite Silver Ginger 5 song filled his room.  He rolled over and groggily peered in the direction of the clock radio that sat on his nightstand.  Since the heavy drapes of his bedroom were closed only very little daylight filtered in.  In the relative darkness he recognized the glowing numbers on the front of the clock trying to tell him the time, but he only saw them as two luminous red blobs.

Since that, of course, wouldn't do, Xander rummaged around under the covers for his hands, found them and brought them out to give his eyes a good rubbing.  He was surprised and also a little hurt by the fact that his right hand hadn't been trapped under Anya's body, depriving it mercilessly of blood, like it usually is.  He noted that Anya was still very much blissfully asleep next to him, even though the clock radio was blaring.  She also seemed to have been cured of her snore.

Huh! he thought, as his brain was still too foggy to formulate words.

Xander slowly emerged from under the covers and gave every muscle found wanting one a good stretch.  He tried to yawn but found that he felt very rested and that he looked forward to facing a new day instead of his usual longing to curl up next to his girlfriend (Whoops, excuse me, fiancée! Xander mentally scolded himself) and sleep the day away.

He turned the clock radio off.  Six thirty, it cheerfully proclaimed to anyone inclined to listen.

Five and a half hours of sleep, Xander mused.  I wonder where all this positive energy comes from.  I never used to be a morning person.

He shrugged, and wandered off in the general direction of his bathroom, feeling unexpectedly excited by the prospect of showering, shaving and all the other things usually done in a bathroom in the morning that will go unnamed.

When he finally emerged from the bathroom again he found the bed empty and a delicious smell in the air.  He quickly pulled on his work pants and T-shirt and proceeded into the kitchen where he was greeted by quite the glorious sight.

The table was filled with pretty much every breakfast food imaginable to man.  Bacon, sausages, hash browns, five varieties of toast, seven kinds of eggs and mountainous plates of pancakes and waffles fought for his attention.  In a small, far off corner the table was set for one.

Next to this culinary carnival stood Anya, spatula in hand.  Xander's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets when he noticed that she had discarded her usual sleeping attire (one of Xander's shirts several sized to big for her and sweat pants) for one of those black lacey numbers and a pair of black high heels, the kind of ensemble that he only ever saw in the catalogues that he nicked out of her mail.

"Good morning, honey!" she chirped excitedly, then threw herself at him and kissed him passionately.  "I made you breakfast," she added after a kiss so long that Xander wondered whether he had turned blue from oxygen deprivation.

"So I noticed," was all Xander could manage.

"Sit down!  Eat!" Anya commanded, leading him over to the solitary chair and pushing him into it.  "Do you want coffee, tea, orange juice or a Bloody Mary?"

How could she conjure up all this food in just the short time I was in the bathroom? Xander wondered.  And did she just ask me if I wanted a Bloody Mary for breakfast?  She knows I like Margaritas better!

"Anya, have you been meddling with culinary dark forces powerful beyond our imagination, or have you taken up smoking crack?  Where did all this food come from?" he finally asked while his girlfriend had taken to piling all kinds of food onto his plate.

Anya gave a hearty laugh and then added, "I cooked this, silly!"  She was the very definition of perky.  "Come on now, eat," she coaxed.

And dig in Xander did.  He shoveled great amounts of food into his mouth until his cheeks threatened to burst.  Meanwhile Anya stood next to him and looked on contentedly as her boyfriend stuffed his face.

"Arrenff you gonna eaf annyfink?" Xander asked spraying bits of his half-chewed breakfast all over the table.

"Oh, no, I'm not hungry in the morning," Anya answered, shaking her head.

For a moment Xander pondered why he was so focused on the food and not on the fact that his girlfriend was standing next to him in a state of near total undress.  He decided to put it down to the fact that he knew he didn't have the time to give Anya the attention she deserved and the food served as the necessary distraction.  He would thank her properly later that night.

Try as he might though he could not even make a dent in the amount of food that Anya had prepared.  And considering how much he had eaten so far he should have been feeling much more full.  But he just felt pleasantly satisfied and there still was an Everest of food in front of him when he had to leave for work.  Anya seemed not at all upset by the fact that the vast majority of the food she had prepared had gone untouched.

"Have a good day," she whispered as they kissed good-bye.

"Thanks for all the food," Xander answered.  "Look, let me try and at least get a start on showing my appreciation for this before tonight.  Do you want to meet me at Fangio's for lunch?"

"But of course," she beamed.  "And you don't have to make it up to me.  You are very welcome."

"I'll see you at lunch then."

And with this he set off down the stairs towards his car and a new day on the job.  He was really looking forward to getting a good day's work done.  As he stepped out of his building he was surprised by how warm it was outside, considering it was still only March.  The sun was shining down warmly from a pristine blue sky.

This was going to be a good day indeed.

***

On one of the hills overlooking Sunnydale, Bill stood under the same sky with the same sun beaming down pleasantly.  But they were having a much different effect on him than they were having on Xander.  For Bill was not happy.  Bill was not happy at all.  Actually Bill could have been described as unhappy, he was so not happy.  Oh yes, indeed.

"This is not good," said Bill.

***