Well this is just a silly and very random, one-shot. I haven't written in ages, but I finally managed to finish this weird little story. Hope some will read and review, that would be lovely. There might or probably are some spelling mistakes, so apologies for that already =) And I know the whole formatting stinks, but I'm having trouble changing it =/ Oh well.
A Therapeutic Badass Story
Dear Diary,
"Fuck Rach! Fuck off with that dear diary crap!"
"Don't you 'Fuck me', Noah Puckerman!"
"Heh..that's not what you said yesterday night"
"You are insufferable!"
"Just leave off the dear diary, doll"
"I don't appreciate your belittling petnames"
"Baby..."
...
It was a sunday evening...
"It was wednesday afternoon Noah, don't make up lies!"
"Stop ruining my story"
"Hmpff"
It was a sunday evening, I'd just come back from a hit, a nice, clean kill it had been. Payment received.
"You chased a rat out of your house"
"Seriously babe, stop fuckin' ruining my badass story!"
"Stop lying!"
"Rach..."
"Lying is not badass"
"...Damn"
"You didn't even kill the rodent"
"Please.."
"You just chased it with a broom around your kitchen"
"Stop..."
"And it came back the next day"
"..talking"
Defeat.
"Let me write it"
"You weren't even there the whole time!"
"Well I know all the facts"
"You won't make the story badass"
"Atleast it'll be the honest truth"
"Nobody fuckin' cares about that, besides nobody's gonna read it"
"Stop swearing infront of Houdini"
"Stupid rat..."
Alright, now for real. Let's start at the beginning. Yes Rachel, I swear on my hot Puckerone man I will tell the truth. *whisper* Women*whisper"
"We'll see about that"
It was a...wednesday afternoon
"See?"
"Ok, go on"
It was a wednesday afternoon, I'd spend the last hour chasing some fucking annoying rat around my craphole of a kitchen, in my stinkin' appartment.
"That's because you never cleaned"
Ignore.
Finally I chased it out...
"No you didn't"
"Yes I did"
"Who's sitting next to you right now?"
"You know i'll make rat soup out of you one day"
"Noah! Don't threaten Houdini"
"Are you serious? ... Ok..you are serious"
Finally I chased it out, when someone knocks on my door. I open the door and guess who it was. Yes invisible people, the lady sitting right next to me, Miss Rachel Berry. We were both suprised to see eachother, so we just stared, first in eachothers eyes. Then I stared at that smokin' little body of hers and she stared at my guns. Then she jumped into my arms, wrapped her sexy legs around me. We started making out and five minutes later we were in my bad and she was screaming; 'Oh Noah give it me! Harder!'
Screech!
"That did not happen! How dare you write such an inaccurate story of events, which by the way is highly offensive.."
"Rach.."
"You said you'd stop lying"
"Baby.."
"You are no longer badass to me"
Crushed.
"Fine"
After I chased the stupid rat out...for the moment, someone knocks on my door. When I opened it, it turns out to be Rachel Berry. We're both pretty damn suprised to see eachother and Berry's looking like a goof with a Wiggles mug in her hand.
"I did not look like a goof"
"Ofcourse you didn't"
Smile.
When she finally manages to get her voice back, after I have long gotten my badass self together, she asks me for friggin' sugar. Seriously who the hell knocks on peoples doors nowadays for fuckin' sugar? Silly girl.
Glare.
"...Ssssorry"
Blah blah blah, undinteresting..boring, yada yada. I show her to the kitchen, grab a pack of sugar and let her fill her silly mug. Then another knock on my door, I open it and briefly feel something touching my leg. Turning my head, I can just make out a tail making its way in the kitchen. I smirk, expecting screaming coming my way any second now. Pretty impressed when I don't hear any.
Then I remember there's someone at the door, so I turn around again and there's some punk pointing a knife at me.
'Hey man, what do you think you're doing, put that knife away', I say to him. Not actually expecting him to do that, but I just need Rachel to hear something's wrong.
At that moment I'm just happy Rach is hidden in my kitchen, 'cause if asswhipe comes anywhere near her, I'd kill him.
"You're so sweet"
Stare.
"I mean, despite your horrid and crude use of the English language, it shows you care about me"
Ignore.
While I'm thining this, shithead thief is stepping closer while still pointing that fuckin' knife at me, he opens his mouth and starts talking;
'Hand over your money'
'Dude, have you looked around? I don't have any'
'Don't bullshit me!'
By now I'm backed up close to the opposite wall and jerkdog's still all up in my face demanding money that I don't bloody have, (nor would give to him) when I see a tiny figure appear behind wannabe-Willis.
WHAM
Miss Berry-badass just clogged dickwarp on the head. Still remember the look on his face, he didn't even know what hit him. After that we called the poilice and then after like a fuckin' 20 minutes they finally came 'round. My awesome girl even had to hit him with the iron skillet again. Then they took him away.
..."Your girl?"
Damn.
"Don't get any ideas, it don't mean shit"
"You like me"
"No"
"Yes"
Smile. Stare.
"Fine. You're pretty cool for an obsessive drama queen"
"NOAH!"
"I take it back"
"Noah!"
Whine. Pout. Tears.
"Fuck no! Don't cry! Shit shit shhh...ok ok, I take back what I took back"
"You like me?"
*Sigh*
"Yes, I like you"
"Alot?"
"Maybe"
Huge smile.
"I like you too Noah"
Smirk.
"I don't care. You know, I don't even know why I've been writing this down"
"Noah, we both went through a traumatic event, writing is a good emotional outlet. In a normal situation I would obviously suggest for us to sing, but since our landlord is seemingly unappreciative to our and especially my extraordinary musical talent, which clearly implies he is tone-deaf, and I believe neither of us can afford to be removed from the premises, writing down our adventure may prove to be very therapeutic"
"Sorry babe, you lost me after emotional outlet"
Argh!
"Wanna make out?"
"You are incorrigible ... Ok"
THE END