Disclaimer: I own nothing
A / N: This fic is dedicated to my best friend, Cristian. Some years ago, I suffered bulimia and he make me see the reality about myself.
It's a one-shot for now. I hope your honest opinion =)
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She looked again at the reflection of her body in that damn mirror. Of course, she knew that her brown eyes were beautiful. Her smile was warm, her hair was silky ...
Penelope caressed with trembling hands the scar on her stomach.
That was no big deal. It just a flaw more, in her body full of imperfections.
Why would a man like Battle, laid eyes on her? He could access to any woman. She know better. Such men, never want romance with women like her.
It had been months since that fateful date, but she still felt stupid. How could she be so absurd? No man could fall in love with her, prima facie.
'Beauty is inside' 'I don't care how you look' ... The world is so hypocrite. Nobody is superficial, but everyone spends hundreds of dollars on miracle diets and gym equipment. Love is blind. However, all love movies, is starring for statuesque men, and their perfect women.
In the world there is no place for women like her. The curves do not cause admiration, or longing looks. Men look with lust skeletal bodies walking on high heels.
Her eyes filled with tears, while those thoughts wandered in her mind, hammering her soul.
How could a man want a body like hers? Why would anyone choose her?
Rage filled her soul. Disappointment hit every beat of her heart. She could not be so stupid. She could not be so naive … Penelope closed her hand, punching that damned mirror.
The glass hit her knuckles. She dropped on the floor, resting her head against the wall. The room carpet was stained with blood that escapes from the wounds in her hand.
Someone broke quietly into her apartment. She didn't bother to repress her crying. It was too late to hide. It was too late to pretend that everything was fine.
She did not want to hide under the guise of her fake happiness. She was tired of being the happy girl. Penelope hated her own body. She hated her life.
"What did you do?"
She heard Derek's shout behind her back, but Penelope didn't move from that corner. His hands gripped her waist, lifting her off the floor.
"Don't touch me!" Penelope cried as she passed her bloody hand on her hair "Don't look at me"
"Why did you hurt yourself?"
"That none of your business! Go away!"
Derek stared the wounds on her left hand, approaching her slowly. "Let me see your hand"
"NO!"
"Penelope ... Please ..."
She sighed heavily, extending her wound hand toward him. Derek looked with horror her torn skin, covered in blood.
He closed his eyes for a moment. He knew this time would come. And she could harm herself again. That was another symptom. They felt miserable, their own body caused her revulsion.
He always thought his friend was a strong woman, sure of herself. But since that psychopath came into her life, Penelope was a shell of her former self.
She had become a lonely woman. She stopped going out with the team for drinks, or meet him for dinner.
"Let go of me ..." He heard her faint voice, like a whisper.
Penelope wrapped a sheet around her body, before returning to sit in the corner of her room. "Derek, you can go. I don't need you here"
"Let me heal your hand and I'll go"
Her sad eyes, surrounded by dark circles, carefully observed his face. Tears threatened to spill out from her lacrimal "Why do you care about me?"
He sat beside her, stroking her hair gently "Because you're my friend, and I love you"
"Love you, too" she whispered, her tears falling down her cheeks.
Derek rose from the floor to go get some bandages and something to prevent her wounds became infected. She had enough health problems, and it was his duty to make her open her eyes to reality. Her obsession could end her life at any time.
He sat back down next to her, ready to heal all her pain. Both physical and emotional pain. Her face twisted as he placed the bandage around her hand covering her wounds.
"Pen ... baby girl ..." Derek whispered, trying to start a conversation. But she had her eyes lost in some corner of the room. He knew she was looking at the broken glass, which previously formed a mirror. Her most hated subject in recent months. "Listen to me"
She turned to face him, her gesture full of grief. "What?"
"You need help"
She raised her knees up to her chest in an unconscious gesture of protection. Derek didn't need to be a profiler to know it. She was locked to any conversation, she didn't wanted to hear the truth about her life.
"How so?" she asked softly, avoiding looking directly into his eyes.
"You know what I'm talking about, baby"
"Don't know"
He sighed heavily, shaking his head helplessly.
"I can't fight it for you okay? This is a battle you gotta fight for yourself"
"I know it," Penelope said as her chin began to quiver "I have a solution"
"You're not solving anything"
She let out a bitter laugh, her hand clenching the sheet that covered her body
"What the fuck do you know about this, Derek? You're perfect. You've always been perfect. You don't have to hear snide comments about your looks. You can finding someone to love you. You don't feel like the world sends subliminal messages with its ads, and its clothes size 4. You don't know anything "
For a moment, Penelope saw hurt in his eyes. His brow was furrowed and his jaw clenched, gritting his teeth, "I understand more than you think, Pen"
"Sure ..."
"I know what you're feeling. I've felt disgusted with my own body, and was only 13. You think it's easy for me to find a person who really loves me? I disagree. I have no one, just like you "
She leaned her head against the wall, closing her eyes. Why does he have to be so stubborn? Why he didn't stop meddling in her life?
"You know what I meant. My body needs to change, I can not go on like this"
"You're right. Your body is not healthy"
Penelope opened her eyes in horror. She knew her body was disgusting. She was aware of her cellulite, stretch marks and her extra kilos. But she never expected that Derek could be so sincere. Her heart was beating so hard, she could barely breathe.
"Why are you so cruel?"
"Because you need to open your eyes, Pen. I just want to help you"
"Get. Out. Now"
"Baby ..."
"Fuck you!" she cried, rising angrily from floor, her sheet tight against her body "I never want to see you anymore"
"What?"
"I know my body sucks. But I don't need you remind me, Derek!"
"Calm down ..."
"NO!"
Derek grabbed the sheet that enveloped her half naked body, tearing the fabric into two pieces. She tried to cover herself, but he grabbed her shoulders and carried her to the living room.
Penelope was in the midst of her apartament, in front of the mirror in her living room in nothing but her black underwear. She made no movement, only cry.
He approached her, cupping her face between his hands, "Look at you ..."
"I won't ..." Penelope replied, slapping his chest, "Get out!"
"Look at you, please …"
Derek turned her body toward the large mirror. "Tell me what you see"
"A horrible fat woman"
He rolled his eyes upward, without hiding his disbelief. "Your mind distorts reality. What you see in this mirror, is not real. This a fictional reality that hurts you. Baby, you're NOT a horrible fat woman. You're beautiful"
"I'm horrible and I'm Fat"
His hands were placed on her wrists, guiding her hands toward her belly "Close your eyes" he whispered, positioning himself against her back.
Penelope was about to laugh and send her dear friend to go hell. But his voice sounded so sure ... so she just followed his instructions. She let his hand guide her fingers down her stomach, and go up to her ribcage.
"Can you feel this?" his soft voice said as the pads of her fingers touched her skin "Those are your ribs"
Her hands fell to the side of her hip, and she could feel her bones there. When her fingers reached her chest, Penelope was surprised. Her breasts fit in the palm of her hand, she could even touch her collarbone effortlessly.
"Open your eyes ..."
"Derek ..."
"Open. Your. Eyes"
She followed his instructions, looking at her true reflection in the mirror. She was pale. She could see every bone in her body against her skin. She was not a walking corpse, but her body had lost much weight in too little time.
Penelope looked at her hands carefully. Her nails were discolored. All fingers of her hands was covered by scratches made with her teeth.
"I'm a monster ..." she whispered weakly, still staring at her body.
Derek pulled her against his chest, his arms around her waist. "You're not a monster. You're beautiful, and you will always be beautiful to me. You're just a woman whom needs help. And I'll take care of you every day of my life ..."
She rested her head on his shoulder, still looking in the mirror. She was thin, she had achieved her goal.
If she could lose a little weight ... Just a little more ... She ... She would be perfect.
"There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore." (Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls)