Good evening, my name is Zog and I am an immortal. Not a high and mighty immortal you understand – merely a middle ranking bureaucrat immortal. We get left out of the great stories like the Simarillion but we are part of things none the less.
One of the tasks my colleagues and I perform is what you might call processing of souls. Those beings that die or pass into the "Ancient West" need to be properly catalogued before they reach their ultimate destination and I am responsible for souls passing on; in what you would call the third and fourth age. I seem to have got landed with a lot of very unusual and awkward cases….
There I was standing with my clipboard at the ready, pencil neatly sharpened when the first customer appeared.
Name: Balin son of Fundin.
Species: Dwarf
Cause of passing over: Killed by Orcs.
As deaths go this wasn't entirely unusual, Orcs provide us with quite a few of our earlier than intended customers. I had a little trouble with his accent and was rather put out that he insisted on addressing me as "Laddie" a name only for domesticated animals in my opinion, still he at least went onwards without too much fuss.
Name: Gandalf
Species: Maiar
Cause of passing over: Killed by a Balrog of Morgeth
I say "killed" but the old chap wasn't having it. Before I had got half way through the forms, word came from upstairs he was to be sent back. Have you any idea of the amount of paperwork that causes? He wasn't too happy about being sent back without his clothes or even his pointy hat but rules are rules.
Name: Theodred son of Theoden
Species: Human
Cause: Killed by Orcs
"I'll say this for the Rohiirim they know how to enjoy a good afterlife. It was off to the halls of his ancestors feasting and quaffing before you could say sign here. We are supposed to get signatures but half the time these warrior types won't wait and in any case a lot of them could no more sign their name than they could refuse a drinking contest.
Name Boromir son of Denethor
Species: Human
Cause: Killed by Orcs (another one – this is getting monotonous!)
This one was still muttering something about being kissed by his brother, his captain and his king. What all three of them? He didn't look the type to go in for that sort of thing but it's not my job to be judgmental about the lifestyles of lesser beings.
Names: Various all fairly guttural
Species Orcs (hundreds of the damn things)
Cause: Killed by (where do I begin? Some of the above and a lot more – middle earthers have really got it in for these guys but I can't say I blame them).
Name: Saruman the White (As if!)
Species Maiar:
Cause: Stabbed in the back and fell off his white tower or died later and just stabbed in the back (it depends whether you are a purist or what we call a Jacksonian)
Name: Witch King of Agmar
Species: Wraith
Cause: Killed by Eowyn (see we are an equal opportunities service)
He wasn't a happy Witch King at all. Wraiths aren't supposed to die particularly at the hands of women warriors he complained bitterly that they cheated sending a woman after him and he said she was dressed as a man. Personally I find that a lot less unusual than a man dressed as a woman but then they tell me it's quite different over in the Pantomime section.
Theoden: King of Rohan
Species: Human
Cause: Killed by the above.
Not quite sure why he kept asking "where are the horse and the rider?" they were both right in front of me; still at least being a king, he graciously condescended to sign my forms before heading off to join his son in some serious quaffing – I have heard it said that its like drinking only you spill more. The horse trotted off to horse heaven very happily after providing the necessary hoof mark on the documentation.
Names: Some dead guys all ghosts
Species: Originally men but now ghosts
Cause: released from curse by some king or other.
I had to work overtime on this one, there were masses of them and the leader kept saying the way was shut – not up here it isn't sunshine!
Name: Haldir
Species: Elf
Cause: killed by (you guessed it) Orcs …or perhaps not
This one was very confusing according to some he died at a place called Helms Deep and according to others he wasn't even there! Besides, elves are supposed to be immortal and sail west. He was very upset and wanted to take his complaint higher up. This of course was the cause of the now infamous Tolkien vs Jackson case which took into consideration other anomalies and inconsistencies such as the ownership of Asfaloth, the dropping of Tom Bombadil, and see above re Saruman.
A further action is likely to be brought following events set out in The Hobbit which should have been settled first but in a peculiar time shift is still in production. Probably something to do with tachyons (whatever they are, my colleagues in the Star Trek section are always going on about them) or it might have to do with that weird doctor who keeps popping up and getting sent back in a different body - and I thought Gandalf was bad…
Name: Denethor, Son of Ecthellion
Species: Human:
Cause: Set himself on fire
He told me he'd been in a fever and had been talking about Jackson ever since the fire went out. It seemed a familiar line I must check with my colleagues in the Country and Western Section….
Name: Sauron:
Species: Maiar:
Cause: Destroyed by the ring into which he had put most of his malice.
He was most put out when I asked how as a disembodied eye he was so intent on having a ring - I mean it's not like he could wear it, is it?
Name: Gollum/Smeagol (basically like bad cop, good cop but we don't have these here)
Species: Hard to tell- probably a hobbit originally
Cause: Burnt to a crisp in the fires of mount doom.
Kept muttering about his precious and wanting to ask me riddles. Funny, he didn't look like the Sphinx who I met on my last job over in the Egyptian mythology section but you never know.
Name: The one ring
Species: Jewellery (Whatever next?)
Cause: Same as the above, who was apparently holding the ring at the time.
I shouldn't have to deal with this. Ok Humans, etc., even trees and disembodied eyes, but jewellery?