PROLOGUE:
"Hey, why not screw up your first anime, ddog?"
"Well, for starters, my first was Sgt. Frog, and Gorak knows I can't ruin that craziness the slightest. Second, that's because I already did. Here it is, nice and twisted, as always!"
"..."
"..."
"ALRIGHTY THEN!"
Chapter ONE: Hey, cuz why not?
"Well, it's about time!" RE4 Merchant declared proudly, as he set foot onto the school bus. You see, being a Spanish arms-dealer in the middle of Rural Spain isn't exactly good for educational purposes, and after the events of RE4, he was gonna have to start over. For school, this was literal. Well, either that, or this is Merchant's kid. I don't know, because I'm only partially omniscient. Yes, that's right. AOO is back, in black, too. AAAAnd now he's on a bus, too. Great, now EOO (Entirely Omniscient Observer) is gonna have to step in! "So, why am I the only one here?" Merchant person asked Busdriver. "And please, don't answer in a rap." he added. "Oh, fine. You see, being that this place is supposed to be a secret to all humans like you, and because Leon had to pick up EVERY FREAKING PAMP- I mean, you're the only human on the human bus. There's plenty of Monster buses." Busdriver explained, still speaking faster than the average human. "Thank yo- Wait, only HUMAN?" Merch asked, his red eyes widening. "Oh yeah, you're not human. I forgot." Busdriver corrected himself, scratching his head. "Well, that, and that there's a guy right there." Merchant said, pointing to Tsukune. Huh, 's funny, how their problems are very similar in the end. "Oh... Uhhh... Hey? Wait, did you just say MONSTERS!?" Tsukune (No, not from Faithfully. If you DIDNT confuse the two, then congrats, I don't want to see you again.) said to the two. "Oh, um, er, hello there, stranger!" Merchant said in unison with Busdriver. Now, now, you tw- I'M BAAACK!* Anyways...
After they arrived at Yokai Academy Sign Place Thing, (Yes, they were all ironically silent after exchanging hellos) Merchant felt a little... over-acquainted, to say the least. He'd been here before. Just... not quite sure when, or how... "Hey, you sir. What's your name?" He said Tsukune, to which he replied. "Oh, uhhh, my name is... CACTUS!" he shouted, as he ran into the forest. No way was he getting involved with such a character as Merchant. Little did he know, however, that he was walking into a world of just that. Craziness. And upskirts. Many, many upskirts. And don't even get me started on the nosebleeding. That's gonna get to him a lot. So, after Tsukune ran off, Merchant saw it fit to walk in that general direction himself. As he grabbed his MP3 Player and flipped on some pretty fitting music, (Over The Hills and Far Away. Hey, it's just unfortunate I imbued him with a little me personality.) he started on his journey. During quite the journey, involving... well, Journey, Trans-Continental Pewds, and (of course) random upskirts that somehow make their way into the situation despite him being in a forest, Merchant sang along to Led Zeppelin gold. As the song slowly came to a calm stop, so did he. He was finally there.
(Man, parenthesis are annoying, AM I RIGHT?!) Merchant walked into the school grounds, extinguishing some random fire that somehow manifested onto his coat. "Man, how'd you get here?" He said, as the fire died out. "Man, I just wanted to find Hoooooowwwwwwlllllll..." The fire said, as his last words rang out into eternity and space and Over The Hills And Far Away. "Anyways, where were we...? Ah, yes, the school grounds." Merchant said, walking past Tsukune, who was accompanied with a girl wit pink hair. Everyone was shouting random stuff at the Merchant *2 as he entered Ms. Nekonome's room. Tsukune sat in the desk next to the window, and the girl, apparently named Moka, sat behind him. But Merchant didn't care if his new friend got the hottest lady in school, because he knew he was gonna have a mob of floozies all to himself by Prom, cuz he gots das shweag, bruh! He then sat down next to an empty seat, and remembered something: He was terrible at spelling. And math. Science, too. How did Merchant get into Yokai Academy again?
*Extra Dialogue: You can leave now, EOO. "But I'm liking this-" NOPE! (Wait, did you just shoot him? I only ask, because Asterisk Guy is on vacation.) Yes, indeed I did. Thank you, Falcon-Lord.
*2(Obviously! Just check out the context: "Hey, that's not fair!" Pointing out his natural swag. "How'd he score that?" judging his epic coat and scarf. "Man, it might be the shrooms, but that guy has red eyes and a flippin magical rocket launcher on school grounds!"... Yeah... "And what about his friend, the one with the hot chick with the pink hair? Like, whaaaaat? I thought we were in a school filled with monsters, not an anime convention!" ...See? Totally towards Merchant. But maybe that last one was for Tsukune, though.)