One Small Way to Gross Out Owen Harper

Jack stood there for at least seven minutes examining the object before him and then after deciding he'd learned all he could, he put it where it belonged and spun around on his heel, his mind already forming questions to ask more knowledgeable minds. Skipping happily up the stairs, the moment he entered the main Hub he smelled the enticing aromas of Indian takeaway, which meant that Ianto had returned with their lunch orders. He rubbed his hands together in hungry anticipation; they'd both had to skip breakfast when an errant Weevil, who had failed to return to the sewers before daybreak, decided to visit a local fishmonger in search of the day's fresh catch.

Taking the steps two at a time until he neared the top, Jack slowed down and then sauntered casually into the boardroom where he was greeted by the sight of his team busily tucking into their food. He had to smile as he pulled out his chair; Ianto always looked like a little boy when he tucked his big white cloth napkin into his collar. "Unlike some people I know,' and Ianto had focussed a firm stare in Jack's direction when Gwen had asked about it at her first lunch with the team, "I refuse to risk dribbling down my shirt front."

Ianto looked up and smiled back at him before pulling a large tea-cosy off Jack's container. "Didn't know how long you'd be so I kept it warm for you, Sir."

Inhaling the delicious scent of one of his all-time favourites, Prawn Biryani, Jack sat down, removed the cover and immediately put a large prawn into his mouth, closing his eyes as the flavours of myriad spices burst onto his tongue. There really was nothing like the very first bite of Indian food when you haven't had it for a while. "I'm glad I left the ordering up to you, Yan," he smiled gratefully at the younger man.

"Always my pleasure, Sir," Ianto reached out and snagged one of the smaller prawns with his fork, ate it and then nodded in agreement. "One of Juboraj's best dishes, in my opinion." He offered Jack a basket wrapped in a tea towel to keep it warm. "Naan, Sir?"

While Jack accepted the proffered bread he cast a sideways glance at Owen, gauging his time. Just as he saw the medic stuff a huge spoonful of chicken curry and rice into his mouth the immortal got a wicked gleam in his eye as he asked, "So, Owen, in your best medical opinion, is it possible to take a dump so big that you actually lose weight?"

The words had no sooner left Jack's mouth than the partially-chewed food left Owen's, spraying across the table where it landed on Gwen's plate and in her face.

"EWW!" Gwen screeched shrilly as she shoved her chair back from the table and began wiping herself off. "This is the last time I sit across from you, Owen!"

"God damn it, Harkness!" Owen bellowed as he grabbed a large poppadum and sent it sailing like a Frisbee at his grinning boss. "You're a fucking pig!"

Jack shrugged unapologetically as he neatly caught the bread and set it on the table with one hand while selecting and eating another prawn with the other.

Seated on Jack's left and well-used to his naughtier side, Toshiko merely shook her head and looked across the table at Ianto. "Is he like this all the time, Ianto?"

In his usual spot at Jack's right side, the archivist paused with his spoonful of lamb curry halfway to his lips. "Actually, the one and only time he had me come and see what was in the loo I told him that if he ever did that to me again I would give him a swirly…" Ianto allowed a smile to grace his lips, "…before I flushed."

Owen burst into guffaws of laughter that were so great that he both fell out of his chair and lost his breath, forcing Tosh to leave her cinnamon chicken and pound on his back, a task which she performed with gusto. When he finally regained his seat, he wiped his streaming eyes before rasping out, "I have definitely under-estimated you, Tea-Boy!"

"Yes, well, keep that in mind," Ianto replied in a mild tone, "the next time you go home and leave me to clean up whatever disgusting mess you've made down in the autopsy bay, all right?"

The priceless look of horror that crossed the doctor's face set the rest of the room laughing; Ianto's gift for revenge against Owen's shenanigans was innovative and legendary.

As they all tucked back into their food, Jack was already making plans to turn the autopsy bay into a garbage tip the next time Owen when home expecting Ianto to tidying up behind him. He even had a few suggestions for Ianto's payback schemes. He gave himself a mental pat on the back as he shovelled in a piece of sauce-laden naan; 'I do love being sneaky,'

end