Title: no sunlight anymore
Rating: T (slight adult themes)
Characters/Pairings: Mapleshade, others; unhealthy and strained Mapleshade/Appledusk.
Disclaimer: The title is from "No Sunlight" by Death Cab for Cutie, and I do not own any of the characters in this fanfiction.
Authors Note: I was a big mess earlier today, so I wanted to try an experiment: I wanted to see if I could write a lengthy one-shot based on an idea, and I did! I also wanted to try my hand at writing in first person, and I hope I did well in that field too.
Summary: A villain is a victim whose story hasn't been told.
Words: 2,800~
no sunlight anymore
To love. To cherish. To protect.
These are the promises that I made to them.
They were internal, not uttered aloud because they shouldn't have been – every mother keeps these thoughts in her mind. Each and every day as she watches the kitten fluff be replaced by adult fur, the kit-blue of their eyes either change color or keep it's soft hue, and the small, clumsy tumbles of a curious little one turn into the fine steps of a warrior.
I loved each of them. I wasn't the best mother in the world;
(when i had the time to be their mother)
I was too paranoid and frightened often at times, and I never wanted to leave their side – even though they were newborns at the time and it wasn't as though they could go anywhere. But still. I like to think that I tried my very best. I was a first time mother, so was it really that fair to judge me when given this information?
(of course it's fair! don't forget who you are!)
I cherished them. They were my kittens; I was quite positive that I would never be able to love anyone more than them in those days.
(except for him)
Some of the other queens, they would laugh at me – quiet, undetectable little chuckles hidden underneath that deceitfully kind exterior – and tell me in that condescending tone: "Every first time mother says that, but that'll pass by your second litter. If you have another litter, that is."
And, lastly, I would protect them.
When they were born, pushed out of my womb and brought into the world, I had the sharp sense that I would never allow another cat to lay a claw on their pelt without reason. That I would always be there to guide them through the rights and wrongs of life. I would protect my kittens with my dying breath if it was necessary.
(i would kill for them)
Three promises. Three promises that are repeated through the mind of every mother during the birth of their kits, thought but kept silent because each other queen in the nursery were thinking the same things.
It's kind of funny how one day would break each one of these three promises.
I can still remember that day; it was too quiet and too calm and I remember being so happy despite it because my little ones had just opened their eyes. All three of them could hardly formulate words out of their mouths, but that didn't even matter to me in the moment because I was so happy that they could see me, their mother.
But then he came inside, along with our leader and two other warriors that I can't put a face to now. He took one look at my kits, gave me a small, disgusted glare, and then turned to our leader and told them who the real father of my kits were – the father that I wanted to keep hidden because no one could know. Not yet, anyway.
I curled my tail over my little kittens to hide them away from the harsh glare of the tom who would destroy my life. I tried to deny it, but he had proof, you see.
"The shape of their ears and tail," he had said, a disgustingly sadistic grin growing on his face. "Who does that remind you of?"
And then I was...they just...
They exiled me. And my kittens.
And for what?
Loving?
Breaking the code?
I was forced to leave my home – the place where I had been born, where I grew up. I caught my very first mouse there- "Look, Mama! My first kill!" I had made friends there. I was made a warrior there. I might have even gotten an apprentice, one day, when my kittens were grown and I was out of the nursery.
The ground felt different underneath my paws that day – it felt too rough and too foreign and I remember hating that my kits had to stumble behind me, because they were so young, and I couldn't carry all three of them! I was just one cat!
I was going to the river; the rush of the water hitting stone and twisting through the sandy banks filled my eardrums, and eventually made it hard for me to even think because I was so worried that a patrol would come for me, and I would be killed, maybe.
My kittens were tired – they mewed for milk and warmth and these were things that I couldn't give to them in the moment.
"When we get to your father," I had told them, taking a quick break to give each of their little heads a lick. "Just beyond the river."
Cold water sprayed against my forelegs, but I ignored it in the moment because I was just so worried – would he be there? Would RiverClan accept me? Would-
I had to think quickly, but I told them carefully to stay on the rocks and to be very careful not to slip. One at a time, I had murmured while nervously checking over their heads to see if a ThunderClan patrol would be coming. One at a time. I took the lead, praying that they would be safe.
I was so stupid! I was stupid stupid stupid stupid-
They were little, so young, just opened their eyes! Their legs were thick and short, unable to stretch out too far. They were...
This moment is the only moment that I can remember clearly, now; I remember hearing a sharp squeak, followed by the sound of something dry squelching against a wet surface. The noise had only made me curious, at first, but I only turned around when I heard that terrible, heart-stopping splash!.
My paws nearly lost their grip on the stones underfoot, but I kept my balance – surprisingly – as I turned, only to see one of my three kits.
She was staring at me with wide and fearful eyes,
(that look i'll never forgive myself for making her look like that)
her gaze darting from me to the water. She was shaking, violently, and mewing uncontrollably, as if saying "Mama, they fell into the water!".
Everyone has heard a mother say that they would do anything to protect their kits. In that moment, this statement couldn't have been more true.
I don't remember the next few moments as clearly as I'd think I would; I remember not hesitating before plunging muzzle-first into the chilly water,
(it had to be leaf-bare didn't it-)
with stars exploding in front of my eyes from the sheer pain that emanated from the contact between my warm body and the coldness of the water. I was frozen, stuck in place for heartbeats suspended upon heartbeats – precious time wasted because I was acting on pure instinct – with no one there to aid me and save my kittens.
It seemed like hours
(it was really maybe five or so seconds-)
until I was able to move my limbs; I twitched and began using my paws to stroke through the water once I realized that I was sinking. The light from the light gray sky was replacing itself with the dark shadows of depth; I would die if I didn't start to pull myself up.
I don't think I'll ever know what allowed me to surface myself – perhaps it was StarClan
(ha what a joke)
telling me to keep going, because I had kits to save. I found myself breaching the surface, gasping for air; cold waves slapped onto my face and caused me to choke, but I only blinked, shaking my head to clear the water from my gaze.
I began swimming, looking around me for my lost kittens – but there was no one but the forest and I. No ears poked from the surface, no mews of terror, nothing. I was next to alone in the cold, rushing river.
I was silent. I was grieving.
The only thing that made me force myself to move was the sound of mewing behind me, and I turned to see my little daughter being pulled into the river; her tortoiseshell fur
(she looked just like me-)
was becoming enveloped in a coat of unforgiving dark blue. She ducked beneath the surface, and in the time it took me to get from my position to the place that she fell, she did not come up again.
I dipped beneath the surface once again, and I only saw a tiny shape, starting to go down the river. I would've screamed, if I didn't need to save my breath.
The only thing I could think of as I swam after her, desperately trying to find her and bring her back to me – to the comfort of her mother – was that now, one of my promises had been broken.
I couldn't protect them.
I couldn't...I failed them.
"You'll never be a good mother," My mother had told that to me, long ago when I told her that I was pregnant. Her amber gaze trailed to my slightly extended belly, and she pursed her lips together, shrugging. "Those kits will grow up to be outcasts because you won't know how to help them through life."
She was right. My mother, the only cat who had never believed in me, no matter how hard that I tried to please her-
(Mama can't you just look at the mouse I caught? Mama why are you so happy about Ivyflower getting pregnant I'm pregnant too I'm your other daughter! Mama please pay attention to me-)
-was right. I was a terrible mother.
I was a failure.
Eventually, I caught up to my little, precious daughter. My little kitten was caught in my jaws as I pulled myself on the river bank.
I ignored the sand that coated my paws and belly, and I looked down at her as soon as I had assessed that we were safe and well out of the water, but she was already gone. I licked her, I checked her breathing, I even tried to push my paw slightly onto her belly to see if I could somehow help her clear the water from her chest, but...
It was too late.
She had probably began drowning as soon as she had smacked into the water – they were only a week old, after all.
My three kittens were gone.
One was at my paws, dead, because I was too encased in grief and shock to go back and help her. Her brother and sister had already drifted off, but I had left her alone.
She needed me.
(Mama why didn't you help me out back there that RiverClan apprentice was hurting me-)
I was a disgrace to the name of all mothers and queens.
Who would want me now? Who would want a broken, motherless queen?
I thought maybe he still would.
It didn't take long for that beautiful, enticing scent to hit my nose. I picked my head up, forcing myself to stop looking at the form of my drenched, deceased daughter, and looked at the shrubbery in front of my very face.
I began to panic – what if he thought...what if he guessed...he...
He'd believe me, right? I mean...he...he had to.
He told me that he loved me.
When his head appeared, a slightly irritated look casting in that gorgeous green gaze of his, my heart began to pound. I merely stared back at him sadly, slowly lowering my gaze until I was staring back at our daughter.
He followed my gaze wordlessly, and I could've sworn that I heard my heart snap at the next events that followed.
"You- you killed her! You murderess – you killed a kitten! What in StarClan's name is wrong with you! Why on earth would I want you now?!"
I couldn't believe the words that were filling the too silent air around us – my mate, the one cat that I strongly believed loved me despite those pesky insecurities of mine, was telling me these- these lies!
I didn't murder my kittens! I would never! I loved them!
(I'M NOT MY MOTHER-)
"Get out of here, you fox-heart! I don't want you!"
All of the commotion that was going on between us drew RiverClanner's to us; the leader, a strong and large golden-furred she-cat, took one look at the pair of us, and drew her own conclusions as to what had transpired.
I tucked my tail between my legs as she, him, and two others spewed out curses and insults to me. My daughter's body lay silent and still at my paws, and I stumbled away from her in my fear.
I left her side, once more, and this time, it was probably the final time.
I couldn't bury her; she was in the paws of my mate
(my former mate)
as he bent down to sniff her, a saddened and disturbed look casting in his gaze. He merely shook his head, and then he-
Oh the audacity of him!
He claimed that he came upon me, and that I had told him that I dunked my own daughters head beneath the surface. I had killed her purposefully, and now I was trying to gain sympathy.
He didn't bother to mention that I was his mate, and that the dead kitten he was so carelessly examining was his own daughter.
The RiverClan leader told me to leave, and that if I ever came back, she would see to it that she would kill me herself. She had kits – they were apprentices now, I believe – and what I was being accused of probably disgusted her beyond belief.
But I did nothing! Nothing but love!
I loved him, but he threw me away.
("Oh, yeah, you're that ThunderClan warrior, right? Uh...you're name...don't tell me, I know it." "Uh...yeah...I like you a lot too, I guess." "You're pretty, I suppose.")
It was all a lie.
I was just a pawn to him; just an easy way to throw away some pent up hormones. He didn't really want me. I had mated with him, and I had thought, really thought that he loved me. He told me he did, he said it right when he was clima-
I felt disgusting. I felt used.
I ran away from the scene with my tail between my legs, pressing it so closely into that spot because I felt like, if I drew it away, then I would fall apart. I had to protect myself and the little dignity and self-respect that I had left.
My kittens: dead.
I had broken one of my three promises to them; I could not protect them. Another one of the three – to cherish them – had been thrown away the minute I clasped my jaws around the lifeless body of my daughter.
And the third...I...
I didn't deserve to love them.
And it was his fault for making me feel like that.
How dare he use me and get me pregnant, only to throw me away. How dare ThunderClan toss me out of their ranks as well, because they were disgusted with my half-Clan love affair.
I suppose I was screwed over in life at birth; I was in a litter of two with a more talented, more conventionally attractive, and more likeable sister. My father was gone, out of the picture. My mother would rather fawn over my sister then me.
I had no one.
And I was a fool to believe that I would somehow, someway, ever find happiness.
Someone like me doesn't deserve it.
And now, in present time, I am here, stuck in this dark and disgusting forest because I was so ashamed and filled with self-hatred that I felt as though StarClan themselves didn't deserve me. I left them as soon as death hit me – thanks to the cold grip of greencough and exposure to the leafbare temperatures – because I knew that I would never fit in with them.
And I hated them for how easy it was for those starry morons to agree to letting me into the Dark Forest; they didn't even care.
I'm stuck here in the Dark Forest because I believed that the only thing in life was love. I'm stuck here because I chose to isolate myself and be consumed with the immense amount of hate that I had for myself and who I was forced to be.
So perhaps a cat could understand why it's so easy for me to manipulate that little, broken kit named Crookedkit.
His great-grandfather is my former mates. I see Appledusk in Crookedkit's eyes, in his brown tabby fur and the way that he walks.
And even though Crookedkit honestly didn't do anything wrong, I didn't either.
So I suppose we both are being punished for things that we can't help.